Should a spouse tell his mother about his marital problems?

[misty12]

When and how much should a spouse reveal to his parents about the marital problems he is having? I am asking because we were supposed to go to his parents house on Easter, like we do every single Easter. A couple of days before we were having a conversation where I had brought up the possibility of divorce. So on Easter he decides he doesn't want me to go with me, therefore he did not want to go himself. He texted his mother " we are not coming over because I'm tired of pretending I have a happy marriage". His mother of course revealed this text to the entire family. She proceeded to call me the following day and we had A very awkward conversation in which she was encouraging me to work it out with him. He had also previously told his mother that we were having problems. Now Mother's Day is coming up and we are supposed to go there. Both my parents have died which is why we go to his family for every single holiday every year. But now I feel it's so awkward. The bottom line is we are still married, not separated and have not decided to divorce for certain, so I don't know what to do. Was he in the right to say this to his family?

[pteromom]

No, since his mother is the type of person to share that text with the whole family.

 

What an awkward situation your husband has created for you. I'm sorry.

 

He needs to go back to his mother and tell her he was just having a bad day that day and he is sorry he did that to you.

[goodyblue]

Omg. Never share marital woes with family! When and if you two make up the family.Will remember that FOREVER!!!

 

See a therapist, bend their ear.

 

His mother was terrible for sharing that. If you do go, be totally cool.

[badpenny]

Seriously?

 

In your shoes I would confirm his text, and file accordingly.

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counseling, either fix your marriage and make it stronger or divorce. To be unhappy and continue along the marriage pathway, not do marriage counseling is not helping.

 

What's done is done, he told his mom.. He has a right to talk to her, if your mom was still around wouldn't you be confiding in her? It was wrong of his mom to tell everybody else, that makes it all worse. Now that they know, they're gonna ask questions so be honest about it!

 

You both have made some bad choices and mistakes. What is it that you want? To work it out or divorce?

Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[misty12]

Well, his mom had to tell everyone else because she had to tell them why we were not coming over for Easter. So by telling his mom, he essentially told his entire family. I have never once shared any issues in my marriage with any family members. people tend to remember the bad things.

 

Right now the only issue in our marriage is that I don't want to be intimate with him. We get along just fine and enjoy each other's company. This is why it seems so crazy to me to divorce. We don't have a bad marriage right now. I just crave intimacy and sex and I don't want it with him, hence the affairs.

[Wondering33]

I tell my family everything. I'd rather vent & get advice from the people that know me & love me unconditionally. Who is one supposed to go to when they're having a problem with their spouse? How are you going to betray someone & then act like they're in the wrong for going to the people that have always been there for them? If you do get divorced who do you think will be the one's there to support him?

 

You are having affairs, that's why you feel awkward, you're the one in the wrong & would be one embarrassed if they found out.I had an A & my husband had every right to go talk to whomever he wanted to about it.

 

If you want to save your marriage, put your effort into fixing yourself/getting the root of your marital problems, not into telling your husband who he has the right to go to share his problems with...once you sleep with someone else, you loose that right.

[xxoo]

 

Right now the only issue in our marriage is that I don't want to be intimate with him. We get along just fine and enjoy each other's company. This is why it seems so crazy to me to divorce. We don't have a bad marriage right now. I just crave intimacy and sex and I don't want it with him, hence the affairs.

 

I don't discuss normal, minor marriage problems with family. It's true that they never forget.

 

What you've detailed above is not a normal, minor marriage problem. He's hurting, he needs help, and you don't see the problem. In his case, I would talk to my close family members for some advice. I'd mostly be asking for advice on how to get the courage to divorce.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Personally, my mother is my best friend so I tend to share a lot of things with her in confidence. We don't have a lot of secrets. Then again, my mom isn't the kind of person to blurt out things especially intimate things to just anyone and certainly not without my full consent!

 

I don't think sharing marital issues/concerns with a loving parent is the problem necessarily. The real problem is HOW your husband chose to reveal the reason why you weren't coming over for Easter. He couldn't have acted more juvenile or reckless in my opinion particularly if this was the first time his mother heard of your marital woes.

 

Talk about awkward!

 

The only way to remedy this is to sit his parents down and let them know that you are having some challenges in your marriage but are hopeful that you can work things out (if that's really what you want and are doing). It's better to nip this in the but as soon as possible before rumors start flying and people start jumping to conclusions or meddling in your personal affairs without permission.

[DatingDirection]

The mother wasn't right to tell the entire family. That does sound awkward. I don't blame you for not wanting to see his whole family after they all know what's going on in your personal relationship. Although, we all make mistakes. I'm sorry your going through this, but just know, that if they understand relationships, they will understand that it's on both your parts, not just because of you. Maybe just go, for the relationship you have with his mother, if it's a close RL you have with her as your mother in law, and act happy and positive with in yourself, not to show them there is something going on between you and your husband.

[misty12]

Thanks everyone. My sister-in-law called me and left me a voicemail that she wants to get together for dinner, just her and me, which is unusual. So the family meddling has already begun.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks everyone. My sister-in-law called me and left me a voicemail that she wants to get together for dinner, just her and me, which is unusual. So the family meddling has already begun.

 

Well, that or she may be genuinely concerned and wants to offer a shoulder.

 

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her but perhaps it's best to tread carefully just to be safe particularly since your husband isn't part of that conversation. It could end up being a he/she said situation and that is never a good thing.

 

At the same time, this might be an opportunity to let her and her family know some things they weren't aware of before the big blurt.

 

Just be careful.

[whichwayisup]

Well, his mom had to tell everyone else because she had to tell them why we were not coming over for Easter. So by telling his mom, he essentially told his entire family. I have never once shared any issues in my marriage with any family members. people tend to remember the bad things.

 

Right now the only issue in our marriage is that I don't want to be intimate with him. We get along just fine and enjoy each other's company. This is why it seems so crazy to me to divorce. We don't have a bad marriage right now. I just crave intimacy and sex and I don't want it with him, hence the affairs.

 

No, she could have easily said (respecting your privacy) that you both are sick at the last minute (day or two before).

Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone. My sister-in-law called me and left me a voicemail that she wants to get together for dinner, just her and me, which is unusual. So the family meddling has already begun.

 

Is she trying to get the scoop or is does she genuinely care and wanting to help?

 

If it's the latter, then go. If not, then tell her no and you're too busy and have a lot going on.

[misty12]

I believe my sister-in-law does have good intentions and wants to help. I just don't think I'd be really comfortable sharing details with her.

Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxoo]

This is the problem. He tells me the spark fizzles out for everyone in marriage eventually, and that you have to work at maintaining the spark. So if that is the case, why hasn't it fizzled for him? He still very much desires to have sex with me.If the marriage continues, he gets to spend his life with someone he can't wait to tear the clothes off of. For me it would be, at best, spending my life with someone who, while I love, I would feel marginal attraction for. And that would be after counseling, assuming counseling has an effect.

 

He'd probably have more drive with a new partner, relatively speaking. So, in that way, he can relate to the spark fizzling. But he still has a desire to have sex with you.

 

Why don't you see this as a problem justifying divorce? He wants to make love to his wife. That's an expectation most have for marriage.

[misty12]

He'd probably have more drive with a new partner, relatively speaking. So, in that way, he can relate to the spark fizzling. But he still has a desire to have sex with you.

 

Why don't you see this as a problem justifying divorce? He wants to make love to his wife. That's an expectation most have for marriage.

 

I agree with you that he would have more drive with a new partner.

 

I think the reason I have a hard time justifying divorce is because I grew up with parents who were roommates. They never touched each other, or had sex with each other. Every single night they left their bedroom door open while sleeping. No gestures of affection. Sometimes I think that's why my mother was depressed.

 

My husband is holding onto hope that this is just a phase for me, a result of a midlife crisis. This is why he wants to stay. I think I feel guilt as a result of this.

[sandylee1]

 

Right now the only issue in our marriage is that I don't want to be intimate with him.

 

THE ONLY ISSUE? THIS IS ENOUGH OF AN ISSUE TO GET DIVORCED OVER.

 

We get along just fine and enjoy each other's company. This is why it seems so crazy to me to divorce.

 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR THINKING.

 

 

We don't have a bad marriage right now. I just crave intimacy and sex and I don't want it with him, hence the affairs.

 

 

You crave intimacy, but not with your husband and you think it's crazy to divorce? I don't follow your logic.

Divorce or have an open marriage.

 

I'm not surprised he told his mum, your marriage is pretty dire.

 

Why continue with the farce? It would be one thing if you had a low libido and didn't want intimacy with anyone, but you're saying you don't want it with the man you're married to.

 

ETA He wasn't bad mouthing you to his mum, but stating the terrible state of his marriage. He was probably at a low point. Your MIL shouldn't have called you though. She should have spoken to her son.

Edited May 4, 2015 by sandylee1
clarity eta

[misty12]

You crave intimacy, but not with your husband and you think it's crazy to divorce? I don't follow your logic.

Divorce or have an open marriage.

 

I'm not surprised he told his mum, your marriage is pretty dire.

 

Why continue with the farce? It would be one thing if you had a low libido and didn't want intimacy with anyone, but you're saying you don't want it with the man you're married to.

 

ETA He wasn't bad mouthing you to his mum, but stating the terrible state of his marriage. He was probably at a low point. Your MIL shouldn't have called you though. She should have spoken to her son.

 

I think I am allowing him to manipulate me into staying. i just wish he would understand what I need and let me live my life for me, instead of piling on the guilt trips. He also likes to paint a picture of how horrible my life would be if I left him i.e. I'm too old to start over, anyone I would find who is single or divorced at our age has issues etc etc

[whichwayisup]

I think I am allowing him to manipulate me into staying. i just wish he would understand what I need and let me live my life for me, instead of piling on the guilt trips. He also likes to paint a picture of how horrible my life would be if I left him i.e. I'm too old to start over, anyone I would find who is single or divorced at our age has issues etc etc

 

How old are you? See, you both put your marriage at risk by having affairs to begin with, so if you want out, just divorce. You can be just as happy single than staying lonely and feeling alone in a marriage that you feel obligated to stay in. If you are staying because you're scared to be alone, that's not right either.

 

Nobody is ever too old to start over.

[sandylee1]

I think I am allowing him to manipulate me into staying. i just wish he would understand what I need and let me live my life for me, instead of piling on the guilt trips. He also likes to paint a picture of how horrible my life would be if I left him i.e. I'm too old to start over, anyone I would find who is single or divorced at our age has issues etc etc

 

But if he's not happy and you're not happy, what's the point of staying together?

 

Is it kids?

 

You say your not attracted to him or don't want intimacy with him, does he want it with you?

 

Is there a reason you've lost the desire to be intimate with him?

Can that reason be fixed?

[beatcuff]

back to the OP

 

No, she could have easily said (respecting your privacy) that you both are sick at the last minute (day or two before).

 

so mom should lie to her family? then where is the line? then having an A is ok? or somewhere in between. you now see that 'slippery slope'. the OP is only guessing at what was said. maybe it was "they are having martial problems and chose not to attend". fine maybe she said "the [insert the expletive of your choice] is screwing other men and he had enough". is it wrong (before you answer this board is filled with posters that think BS should tell all to everyone).

 

i find it interesting OP started with this not the list of issues they REALLY have.

Edited May 5, 2015 by beatcuff
grammar

[misty12]

I will be turning 41 in a couple of months. We don't have kids. He does want intimacy with me. He has told me that he feels the reason why he had that drunken one night stand is because the woman was giving him attention that I was not. And he is right, for most of my marriage I have not had the desire to be intimate with him as I should have.

 

Now that I have engaged in EA's, the desire is completely gone and part of that is I am now attracted to a different type of man than I was in my early 20's. I don't know how I could go from cringing at the thought of physical contact with him, to desiring him. But he wants that to happen. And apparently, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law do as well. He is a good looking guy, and makes a very good living. He would not have a problem at all finding someone else. But He has a low opinion of himself and suffers from depression, and feels that he needs me in his life.

[scatterd]

No you never share that info with parents. I know that husband and I had an agreement we would not .Guess what he did talk to his Mom now we are having major problems and she cant keep her nose out of our affairs.Whats funny is we are Grandparents our self.She helped make the divorce proceed they were planning behind my back.No never good.

[Thicke2013]

I will be turning 41 in a couple of months. We don't have kids. He does want intimacy with me. He has told me that he feels the reason why he had that drunken one night stand is because the woman was giving him attention that I was not. And he is right, for most of my marriage I have not had the desire to be intimate with him as I should have.

 

Now that I have engaged in EA's, the desire is completely gone and part of that is I am now attracted to a different type of man than I was in my early 20's. I don't know how I could go from cringing at the thought of physical contact with him, to desiring him. But he wants that to happen. And apparently, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law do as well. He is a good looking guy, and makes a very good living. He would not have a problem at all finding someone else. But He has a low opinion of himself and suffers from depression, and feels that he needs me in his life.

 

 

He suffers from depression and has low self esteem from being sexually rejected by his wife. You sound just like my exW so forgive me if I don't empathize much with you. Not that it justifies in anyway but I can also understand why another woman giving him attention would make him want to have an affair. You both are making one another suffer. You say he is guilting you or manipulating you into staying. Where is your power? Did you not have a voice when you decided to marry? You still have that same voice. You can choose to leave. You would actually be doing him a favor. You say you love him, then file for divorce.

 

 

I beat myself up for years while with my exW. My self esteem took a huge hit and some of those issues I still deal with today. Your H feel like a piece of sh*t because his wife cheats on him and then rejects him. You are crushing his soul.