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Have I already invested too much?


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Metal_Muffin

Hello,

 

Feels weird being back on here!

 

So, I'm married, two years in June to a wonderful, strong man. When things are good we are amazing, in general we have a brilliant marriage. I do feel though I have invested a lot, I've supported him and encouraged him to grow and with that he's furthered his career much more then he originally imagined, I run the house, I keep it clean and I look after all the money. Sometimes though I just feel like I have a child and a sloth all rolled into one. He's just got into a stress for instance because I asked him to empty the bin. He's reaction and behaviour is as though I've just asked him to walk on his hands through fire! When we argue, we argue!! It's mental and harsh, it makes everything cold. I hold my hands up that im too blame for that as well. There's times, like now where I just think 'what the actual ****!' Is this what I want from my life and relationship, it's annoying and agitates the hell out of me. We bought a house only a few months ago, i know I love him but is that enough for you to sell your soul on moments and choices for a 'easy life'. It might even all be me, my expectations are too high, I don't know. Just feels a little one rule for him and one for me. Right now we are in completely different rooms of the house, he's sulking cause he had to do the bins and I'm sat in the kitchen writing this trying not to let it wind me up too much. IT feels like a battle when it's like this and I don't want to keep fighting with someone who I'm meant to be fighting with, not against!

 

If you read this please don't think I'm in a loveless marriage etc as I'm not, I love him, he loves me, is it always enough?!

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You need to communicate how you feel, but I think the problem is you've started by doing too much for him.

 

It's always good to start with the positives when you have a problem, otherwise you come over as extremely negative. Approach it by saying you really want to this marriage one you're BOTH happy with and tell him how you feel honestly.

 

Do you both work?

Does he do any chores?

No kids yet? Is that right?

 

If he's like this now, what happens if you have kids? You'll get very run down and become angry.

 

I'm sure most people don't love doing chores, but it's necessary and he needs to do his share.

 

I tend to do the traditional female roles like cooking, washing clothes, ironing etc.

 

My H does the garden, empties the trash every week and did stuff around the house.

 

I still feel I do more, but he's not bone idol and he pays the lions share of the bills.

 

You need a fair balance. I suggest you make a list of what you do and what you think he does or ask him to make a list of what you do and vice versa. People often perceive things very different to the reality.

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You don't mention anything about addiction, adultry, abuse or abandonment, there for this is likely fixable.

 

It sounds to me like you may each have a different set of expectations and requirements which you need for a healthy, happy marriage (ie different "love languages")

 

That is what MC is for and what it can work well at reconciling. MC can help you understand each of your expectations and help you to understand the others expectations and needs.

 

MC can also help you to communicate more effectively and how to manage disagreements and arguments in a much more effective and less toxic manner.

 

This is the bread and butter of marriage counselors and what MC is for. My suggestion is to seek MC before someone does do or say something that causes permanent damage and one of the "A"s mentioned above does occur.

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There's probably just a simple misunderstanding between you. A marriage counselor would help.

 

If you'd like him to do something, preface it with a compliment. You're so good at this...I'd like you to reach up and get this for me...etc.

 

And say Thank You! I enjoyed lunch, thank you. You're so strong! You're an ox! Thank you for moving my table. I liked watching you flex your muscles. Thank you for getting this off the shelf for me. Especially if it's menial everyday stuff. Watch his face light up.

 

Edit: I'm curious, guys. What would you like to hear?

Edited by loveboid
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Ninjainpajamas

It sounds like you are a bit controlling and overbearing with your agenda to pursue a happy and perfect marriage on the outside and he's just kind of being dragged along with it, not really objecting or necessarily fighting against it because he's not really one to be in control and on top of things.

 

You sound like the kind of woman that puts a lot into her projects to succeed, which is your investment by choice...with the expectation that it's going to lead you to everything you want and need. And when it doesn't you become disappointed, and maybe feel the need or desire to do more, which means taking more control...instead of just backing off, but you likely want to fix something you have no idea how to fix.

 

All the while dragging along this guy in the process of your empire that you are building, not really addressing his needs, not really being on the same page with him, not really understanding how he feels because you've got the target in your sights for that big picture. You're putting that on the back-burner and just pushing ahead towards your practical goals, but the foundation isn't going to be strong enough to support all that.

 

So I think all your energy is going into the wrong things and the communication is lacking here, you're ignoring relationship issues because you think when everything is great they are great and you just have a few bumps to smooth over, without ever acknowledging that maybe even the compatibility isn't there in many respects, maybe you don't even share the same goals, because it seems to me that you're kind of running the show...which is a huge rift in long-term relationships.

 

It's not about the trash, it's your overall treatment and expectations of him...and the stress likely comes from having to meet that expectation. Turn the tables around, what if you had a guy doing what you were doing for him, you could probably never imagine that happening to you...but you can imagine that would be quite uncomfortable and overbearing.

 

You're obviously angry right now, and you don't strike me as the person who would just "give up" so I think you're going to be doing this for a while before you ever get close to giving up, but no...to answer you question love isn't enough. Eventually you will burn through those emotions through constant conflict and disagreements, successfully creating a divide, and those great moments will happen less and less and be fewer and farther in between until you're just permanently staying in separate rooms...pretty much just doing your own things, but of course, you will fight with him over it and have these expectations of him that he probably can't ever realistically meet.

 

You put the cart before the horse it seems like to me, now you're going to deal with the consequences.

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It's better if you're in love with him. You've got to keep your positive illusions of him alive. He's got to keep his positive illusions of you alive too.

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