Is this just a professional conversation to you?

[Winterina]

My bf and I have had many conversations about his interaction with women. MANY times he would say something inappropriate to his or mine friends and we had zillion times talked about his colleagues from work and how he should keep his distance and communicate with them only professionally. And of course he agrees and says that it is exactly how he behaves. Well, today I find this on some app that they use at work that I did not know even existed as he never told me. He claims it is all professional and calls me ridiculous. I know it is not too big of a deal for some people. But we had so much crap in the past and every time I think we have established some balance and some things will not repeat again, they do. He would never write this way to them if he knew I would read it. We have had major trust issues and I am trying to get over his lies, and hiding things and we are trying to have everything out in the open.

I am completely broken over this, because it comes on the top of everything else. Every week there is something new with him, nothing big enough to break up over it, but it is just one of million other little and bigger things (lies) that happened in the past. For example, last night he kissed a woman on the check and she kissed him back (she never does this to anyone), so enthusiastically that I wondered where it came from. This woman is a wife of my friend whom I sent him to get his tea from few days ago. I sent him there to get tea for his health issue, and she made him breakfast and he called her his personal chef... I told him this bothered me. Next time they saw each other was last night and then that kiss all of a sudden... new way of greeting between them. He said it was just a friendly peck on the cheek, like what do you want.

 

 

I asked him to keep a respectable distance from my female friends, his female friends, his female colleagues.... he thinks he does but we always have the same conversations, he always makes the same promises and the same things always happen again... Then he apologizes. I am exhausted and I am questioning if I can live my life with someone like this who makes me feel like I need to be inspector dip****, a mum who lays down rules... I really just need a guy to protect me and love me. I used to cool and happy, and now I turned into a total paranoid.

 

So the conversation did not paste well and now I am editing the post... One thing that bothered me is that he said to one of his colleagues who was merely doing her job "Thanks, you are the best!" With the other colleague he seems to have such a friendly relationship although he tells me he barely ever talks with her. They send each other all the smiling faces and godknowswhat faces, and say things like boooo and yaaay, comment on other colleagues that they are lovely in ironic way, and he just failed to mention that she covered a shift for him. He is claiming she is the only one who could do that, but it is not true as there are many other people in his office.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Winterina

[Jessie1231]

A peck on the cheek and a thanks your the best don't seem inappropriate at all.

[d0nnivain]

You said that he has lied in the past & you don't trust him. You talk about all the little things that bother you but say they aren't worth breaking up over. maybe not individually but the cumulative effect on your relationship is clearly detrimental.

 

You have to examine the whole.

 

That said, while I don't generally kiss work colleagues on the cheek or send them smile faces, alone that is not cheating nor do I classify it as disrespectful other than for the fact that you asked him to stop & he didn't. However, the fact that you want him to "keep his distance" from basically all women -- your friends, his friends, his colleagues etc. tells me you have unrealistic expectations & major trust issues. You are so unhappy because you think every thing he does is wrong; you blow the slightest interaction with anybody who is not you into some huge cheating scandal. That's no way to live.

 

I trust my husband. I don't understand why you stay in a relationship with no trust.

 

I think your relationship is unhealthy but you both contributed to the demise.

[Winterina]

"However, the fact that you want him to "keep his distance" from basically all women -- your friends, his friends, his colleagues etc. tells me you have unrealistic expectations & major trust issues. "

 

 

This is not right. I am not asking him to keep his distance from everyone. I am just asking to keep RESPECTABLE distance, like not tell my friend he wants her to show him pic of her boobs, like not hug his friend like they are lovers while she kisses his neck and tells him how much she loves him, and with his colleagues not to engage in any private conversations and keep conversations and interactions strictly professional.

 

 

Is this too much to ask?

 

 

He stops doing things only when I ask him many times, and at the end explode and have huge argument... sometimes few such arguments are needed for things to get through to him. But as soon as one issue ends with one person, another one starts with another... In the meanwhile, I am getting more and more frustrated and more sensitive. Right now, I am just depressed.

[TexasMan68]

Insecure perhaps?

[Winterina]

Insecure perhaps?

 

Insecure for sure. You'd be too if your partner was lying to you about other women and now that he is supposed to make his amends, he is talking in a way which is not really professional. I mean, THANKS is enough. But Thanks, you are the best! is very unnecessary and goes too far, especially in our situation where his inappropriate crap was the cause of a lot of problems.

Booo and yaaay and faces of all sorts is not professional either. It is just too friendly to be professional and one of our deals was that he keeps his relationships at work strictly professional.

 

 

Just to mention something from the past - he went out with someone before while we were in LDR and never told me. Lied about it when I asked. Lied about many other things. Now he claims he stopped with everything and he is dedicated to us. But I still see this kind of stuff and it makes me think that he wil never get it if he didn't in 20 month of our relationship

[georgia girl]

Winterina,

 

 

Genuinely and gently, yes, it is too much too ask. The problem as I see it isn't with him, it's with you and I think its something you need to work on before you lose this guy.

 

 

A man exchanging a kiss on the cheek with one your friend's husband is not a big deal. We went out to dinner last weekend and all of the couples exchanged hugs. No biggie. A man emailing comments, smiley faces and whatever to a colleague about other folks at work isn't a big deal either. Heck, I talk to people all day long and I certainly am not fixated on how pristine my behavior should be.

 

 

For instance, my husband right now is training with another female friend for a triathlon. They're in the pool together. I have absolutely no issues with that unless he tries to make me swim. (I sink like a stone.) They will end up having lunch together today and I'm glad for him that he has this outlet to sharing his love of triathlons with. My brother-in-law runs marathons with two women. One is single and one is happily married. My sister has no issue with it. We are both confident in ourselves and in our relationship.

 

 

I think you have to look into you and why you have this anxiety that he will be unfaithful or unfair. Genuinely, I think you have to sort out what is realistic and why your expectations are so very high. The fact that he tries to accommodate your wishes shows that he is trying hard to meet some very unrealistic standards and must love you very much. But be so very careful. One of my husband's best friends left his wife over her overactive imagination after nearly 20 years of marriage and four kids. It got so bad that he felt like he wasn't even allowed to be a person anymore. So, he left about three years ago. A year later, he met his new wife and we danced at their wedding just about a year ago. Do you know what he said to my husband? He said, "I never knew what it meant to be in a healthy relationship. I didn't know what I was missing."

 

 

Talk to him. Ask him if he thinks your anxiety is out of control. Listen to what he says. And if he thinks its a brewing problem for the two of you, you guys need to address it together and you may individually need some counseling. If the worst of what he's done you've already posted here, I fear that your anxiety may harm your relationship.

[georgia girl]

Insecure for sure. You'd be too if your partner was lying to you about other women and now that he is supposed to make his amends, he is talking in a way which is not really professional. I mean, THANKS is enough. But Thanks, you are the best! is very unnecessary and goes too far, especially in our situation where his inappropriate crap was the cause of a lot of problems.

Booo and yaaay and faces of all sorts is not professional either. It is just too friendly to be professional and one of our deals was that he keeps his relationships at work strictly professional.

 

Winterina, "Thanks. You are the best!" is not ever unprofessional. Genuinely expressing thanks to someone for covering a shift for you is just plain kind. You're way out of line here. He wasn't inappropriate or unprofessional. You are going to lose him if you can't stop this. You are the out-of-control one here.

[d0nnivain]

This additional info -- him asking for naked pictures & repeatedly hugging somebody else like a lover -- yes, that is over the top.

 

But here's the more important thing: these aren't new behaviors. You have repeatedly asked for them to stop & they don't. How long are you going to keep being a doormat? Even if I don't think they are all cringe worthy (but some are definitely out of line), you do & yours is the only opinion that matters.

 

I had an EX who was the biggest flirt on the planet. Most of my friends were appalled by his behavior. In our 12 year relationship I can only remember 1-2 occasions where it bothered me. The reason was that no matter how flirty he was with another woman, it was clear to Everyone that I was Queen Bee. I always knew he was going home with me and if some woman took him too seriously he always came & hid behind my skirts.

 

He is never going to take your feelings into consideration. He's more flirty & touchy feely then you are comfortable with. That level of incompatibility would lead me right out the door. My Q to you is, knowing he won't change, why are you still there?

[Winterina]

Seriously Georgia Girl, seems like you are comparing your situation with mine. "Oh look how I am doing things with my husband and how I am feeling, why don't you feel like me. you are having issues.." BS. I had a 7 year relationship where I never ever thought twice about any of these issues.

 

 

It is not me.

 

 

It is the guy I live with that is lying to me. Lying, especially repeated lying, breaks trust. Losing trust leads to many interpersonal issues.

 

 

Why don't you read everything before commenting? Hug is ok. Hugging like lovers with neck kissing with I love you-s whispered into ear is not.

[Winterina]

This additional info -- him asking for naked pictures & repeatedly hugging somebody else like a lover -- yes, that is over the top.

 

But here's the more important thing: these aren't new behaviors. You have repeatedly asked for them to stop & they don't. How long are you going to keep being a doormat? Even if I don't think they are all cringe worthy (but some are definitely out of line), you do & yours is the only opinion that matters.

 

I had an EX who was the biggest flirt on the planet. Most of my friends were appalled by his behavior. In our 12 year relationship I can only remember 1-2 occasions where it bothered me. The reason was that no matter how flirty he was with another woman, it was clear to Everyone that I was Queen Bee. I always knew he was going home with me and if some woman took him too seriously he always came & hid behind my skirts.

 

He is never going to take your feelings into consideration. He's more flirty & touchy feely then you are comfortable with. That level of incompatibility would lead me right out the door. My Q to you is, knowing he won't change, why are you still there?

 

That is what I am wondering too. I guess it is his apologies and behaviour after that that draws me back in. He is always "really very sorry" and it will not happen ever again.

 

 

And good for you, you felt like a Queen, I don't. He pays attention to what others are going to think of him more than what I will feel if he does something for someone else. Last night he also washed dishes for that woman he kissed on the check after we had dinner. I had to beg him to wash dishes at home many times.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Winterina

[d0nnivain]

And good for you, you felt like a Queen, I don't. He pays attention to what others are going to think of him more than what I will feel if he does something for someone else. Last night he also washed dishes for that woman he kissed on the check after we had dinner. I had to beg him to wash dishes at home many times.

 

You misunderstand. I am not saying that I felt like a Queen in that I was waited on & spoiled. It was more like Top Dog. Everyone knew I was his GF because as flirty as he was with others, he was more so with me. If he did her dishes, he'd do mine & make the bed. On any qualitative scale I came out ahead.

 

My point was also that if he isn't doing that for you, if you always feel second best in his life and especially if he's lying to you, then you have to end this.

[elaine567]

The truth is that he can mind his Ps and Qs, he can keep his hands off all women socially, he can be Mr Distant at work too, he can be that morose man in the corner and still be sleeping with someone else.

This is not really about him, this is all about trust and you have none.

 

Sounds like he is Mr Flirt and he just loves it and I guess the woman love him too.

You shouldn't try to change him, you accept him for who he is or you move on.

He is just your bf, you have no obligation and no reason to stay if it is making you this miserable.

[Jessie1231]

The truth is that he can mind his Ps and Qs, he can keep his hands off all women socially, he can be Mr Distant at work too, he can be that morose man in the corner and still be sleeping with someone else.

This is not really about him, this is all about trust and you have none.

 

Sounds like he is Mr Flirt and he just loves it and I guess the woman love him too.

You shouldn't try to change him, you accept him for who he is or you move on.

He is just your bf, you have no obligation and no reason to stay if it is making you this miserable.

 

This is exactly right. My ex husband was a huge flirt. I knew that when I met him. He liked being the center of attention, always. It never really bothered me because that's just who he was.

 

After we divorced, he began dating someone who became insanely jealous about his flirting and I knew there was no way they would last. They made it about two years I think and finally he said he couldn't take her jealousy anymore. Everything he did was under a microscope, and he had enough.

[Winterina]

The truth is that he can mind his Ps and Qs, he can keep his hands off all women socially, he can be Mr Distant at work too, he can be that morose man in the corner and still be sleeping with someone else.

This is not really about him, this is all about trust and you have none.

 

Sounds like he is Mr Flirt and he just loves it and I guess the woman love him too.

You shouldn't try to change him, you accept him for who he is or you move on.

He is just your bf, you have no obligation and no reason to stay if it is making you this miserable.

 

We have no trust, that is true. If someone wants trust than they have to tell you the truth, its kind of a precondition, isn't it...

And he seems like he really wants to improve things, it is just that he does not know how to keep it cool for at least a month or two with other women and how not to give too much attention to other women or how to keep his conversations at work professional. His female friends were calling him all sorts of baby names, and sending him xoxoxoxoxo... all the time. There is no just normal friendly talk with him. It was all about baby boy, bubbles, and bs like that.

 

 

That is the reason why am I now supersensitive to everything. He knows this but he just cannot, even when he is trying his best keep it straight. No kissing other women, no hugs that last 2 minutes, no baby names, no conversations about our private lives to his co-workers, etc.

Is it really that difficult to do? He wants to. But he fails. All the time.

 

 

I just want some intimacy and some words and touches to be reserved exclusively for me. He really cares about how to please people and be a nice guy to everyone, jump when they say, serve them in every way he can... but he does not understand that if you try to be good to everyone you will end up being good to no one. And you will hurt the person that loves you and that you love.

I don't understand why is it so difficult to tell himself, ok this month I will talk only professionally with women at work, I will not engage in any kind of physical contact with my friends, and I will not give most of my attention when we are out with friends to any other woman.

[georgia girl]

Winterina,

 

 

If my husband ever told another woman that he wanted her to show him a picture of her boobs, I'd be furious. So there, I agree with you. That's over the line and, genuinely for me, a dealbreaker. I would consider that asking someone to cheat with you.

 

 

But, I have to say, I still don't think, "Thanks. You're the best!" is over the line. I think it was being gracious.

 

 

However, I did read all the way through - the "boobs" thing wasn't posted when I replied and I do read a lot of insecurity there. Whether there are actions of his which have led you guys to this place or not, I think its time you both deal with it. As you said, it's driving you crazy. You also said that you love him and he loves you, so I think its worth it to both of you to figure it out.

 

 

Again, I hope gently, can I suggest that you two try and talk it out with a counselor? I don't think issuing demands and having him fall short on them is working. Maybe you need to negotiate a compromise where you work on the insecurity a bit and he makes sure he never asks a woman to see any part of her unclothed again and start rebuilding trust.

 

 

You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want this to work out. I think there is a happy balance somewhere in the middle for you two but I think you both have to be willing to find it.

[Vercetti]

Wait..a...sec....here. So your other half is asking your friends for nude pictures, having other women cook for him, embraced and does friendly specks with other women, is overtly charming with every female around. You're the insecure one?

 

I don't do opposite sex friends in my relationship. If wife wants / needs a male perspective she has me ( perhaps dad and brother ). If I need female perspective I have my wife ( grandma mom sisters ). Connections with opposite sex outside the relationship ends one of two ways. Magically neutral and harmless. Or a wedge that sabotages while building resentment. Opposite sex friends, type of people that tell a husband/wife that a husband/wife cant tell them who to be friends with.....never mind the forsake all others, never mind they could spend thier time and energy on someone that's not in a intimate relationship.

 

Dealing with coporate environments...THANKS / GOT IT is enough. Not THANKS YOURE THE BESTEVER

[autumnnight]

You're not married. Just break up. This is not rocket science. You can't trust him and you're BOTH miserable.

 

And I concur, "thanks, you're the best," is neither over the line nor in excess.

 

Have you considered counseling?

[elaine567]

I don't understand why is it so difficult to tell himself, ok this month I will talk only professionally with women at work, I will not engage in any kind of physical contact with my friends, and I will not give most of my attention when we are out with friends to any other woman.

 

Because basically he doesn't want to, you are asking him to change who he is and how he goes about his life and that is very unfair.

Dating is about finding people we get along with, not finding someone and changing them into someone else.

 

He is a flirt, with a lot of close women friends.

If you lay down the law, he is going to be unhappy and he will grow to resent you.

He will not suddenly become the highly attentive boyfriend concentrated solely on you.

He is going to sneak around, like a kid being told not to play video games at midnight, he is going to lie, because fundamentally he doesn't agree with your "rules".

Applying your rules will mean he loses friends at work and at play. He doesn't want to lose the fun in his life. That is unacceptable to him, so he nods to you and then carries on as before.

If he does stick to your rules and becomes "good", he may retreat into himself and will then most likely exclude you, as you are the cause of his suffering, that is IF he sticks around.

 

This is not really about who is right or who is wrong, he may very well be going over the line here, not many women would tolerate other women snuggling into their bfs neck for instance, but the cure here is not to be dictatorial and demand he becomes someone else, the cure here is to

1. learn to live with it

OR

2. formulate a compromise that you both can live with,

OR

3. walk away, before HE shows you the door.

 

He is, who he is, you are not his mother.

[La.Primavera]

If he doesn't make you feel that way then you should move on and find someone who does. The reality is that this relationship is making you feel unhappy and is bringing you down. You said you used to be "happy and cool" now that has changed. I suspect it will only get worse.

 

You deserve to be free and happy again.

 

All the best.

[sandylee1]

 

 

Like not tell my friend he wants her to show him pic of her boobs, like not hug his friend like they are lovers while she kisses his neck and tells him how much she loves him, and with his colleagues not to engage in any private conversations and keep conversations and interactions strictly professional.

 

.

 

It's not too much to ask.

 

Asking for boob pics is out of line.

Another woman kissing his neck is also out of line.

 

A peck on the cheek is fine.

 

I would never send my H to get food from another woman. You're asking for trouble there.

 

When you discuss these issues with your BF, ascertain how he world feel if you did the same thing with other guys. How would he like would he like another man kissing your neck?

 

I had to call my H on something recently and asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned, because he tried to say it was no big deal.

 

I said fine, I'll start talking with my make coworkers in the same way. He immediately said he wouldn't like it and understood what I meant.

 

You need to decide when enough is enough, because I think this is your BFs personality. You can't change him and the way he behaves, can easily lead to infidelity.

[Winterina]

The last thing I want to do is try and change someone. He says we want the same things in the same way but does not really follow through in his actions. Our compromises are never respected, until we have a huge fight or two. Then I feel really crappy, likeI forced him into something. He claims I didn't and everything is his own choice.

 

 

I forgot to mention that saying "Thanks, you are the best" in the country we live in is a direct compliment that is not really used in local language. The woman actually thanked him for saying it to her, she must have thought he really thought she was the best.

I need to see the therapist of some sort... I am broken over our past as it is and little things like this just add to my depression.

He is now promising as he did many times before that he will not do anything to put our relationship at risk. His words are just words to me now... I do not find any comfort in them any more as I know he is probably going to fail several times before doing anything real about it