Jealousy? Paranoia? Or Flirting???

[LRS1969]

Marriage relationship. One spouse involved in bowling league - mixed league which does not include other spouse... in fact other spouse is specifically discouraged from going.

 

Particulars:

 

What does it mean in a bowling league environment where everyone else is doing high fives (strikes or difficult spares picked up), or fist bumps (spares not made), that most of the times my partner (who started out as a sub and I don't know real well) instead does this?

 

They hold their hand out flat and horizontal with palm down. When I respond with my hand out flat and palm down, instead of a high five, they slide their fingertips across my palm and fingertips in a single stroking movement. And that's whether it's a high five situation or a fist bump situation.

 

I haven't really paid much attention before now as there's only been like 3 games to this point, but it's hit me how consistent it is and has me now wondering if that (whatever it's called - it seems to be like something modified from part of a Dap greeting) action is a flirting maneuver (we are opposite sexes). Especially with the fact that they DO high five and fist bump the other members of the team (and persons on team being played occasionally) when appropriate - and never does the "palm stroke" with them!

 

Paranoia?

 

Making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

Just innocent fun?

 

Or obvious (even if subconscious) flirting?

[d0nnivain]

The high fives & fist bumps are not a problem.

 

The fact that the bowling spouse is discouraging the other spouse from attending league night, when it's a mixed gender team is a problem.

 

If DH or I was on a team of any sort the other would be welcome. I mean who actively discourages their loved one from coming along to be the rooting section? That is the nefarious part I wouldn't tolerate. Fist bump & hi-five all you want, whether I'm there or not. It's when somebody wants to do something behind the other's back that the trouble arises.

[LRS1969]

The high fives & fist bumps are not a problem.

 

The fact that the bowling spouse is discouraging the other spouse from attending league night, when it's a mixed gender team is a problem.

 

If DH or I was on a team of any sort the other would be welcome. I mean who actively discourages their loved one from coming along to be the rooting section? That is the nefarious part I wouldn't tolerate. Fist bump & hi-five all you want, whether I'm there or not. It's when somebody wants to do something behind the other's back that the trouble arises.

 

You are missing the point. Or the whole point (being discouraged from attending - especially with the "special hand contact" protocol IS emotionally painful).

 

The are NOT doing the high fives and fist bumps (yes, I understand that is routine bowling "etiquette"). Maybe I didn't word it quite right...

 

Let me try again:

 

Felt that this would be a proper place to post as what is going on his a form of a date... just not a "date" involving the spouse!

 

This situation is a mixed league (MF /MF) bowling league that bowls on a weekend night. It involves just one partner (spouse - who was previously paired up not with current bowling partner, but a relative - who has since been replaced by a "sub" who is a close friend of the other male on their team).

 

The other non involved spouse is not only not involved, but is actively discouraged from going at all.

 

Particulars:

 

What does it mean in a bowling league environment where everyone else is doing high fives (strikes or difficult spares picked up), or fist bumps (spares not made), that most of the times my spouse's partner (who started out as a sub and I don't know at all - nor did she; he's a close friend of the other male on this MF / MF team) instead they do this with just each other...

 

They hold their hand out flat and horizontal with palm down. When the other responds with their hand out flat and palm down, instead of a high five, they slide their fingertips across the other's palm and fingertips in a single soft stroking movement.

 

And that's whether it's a high five situation or a fist bump situation. This is what is done instead (over 90% of time).

 

And either can initiate it.

 

No high fives or fist bumps hardly ever... just this.

 

I haven't really paid much attention before now as there's only been like 3-5 games to this point (where I have casually stopped by... and yes, done in front of me as it appears to have become so natural), but it's hit me how consistent it is and has me now wondering if that (whatever it's called - it seems to be like something modified from part of a Dap greeting) action is a flirting maneuver, only softly and not "macho".

 

Especially with the fact that they DO perform high five and fist bump the other members of the team (and persons on the team being played occasionally) when appropriate - and never does the "palm stroke" with them!

 

BTW, I only see any of the other bowlers doing high fives or fist bumps (or occasional double high fives or hugs between obvious "partner couples"). I haven't seen any others do this "palm / fingertips slide".

 

Simply having fun? Meaningless good time?

 

Or some degree of flirting (even if at simply some subconscious level)???

 

An updated comment reply - as well as any others would be appreciated (obviously the reaction is just that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that it is just meaningless friendly fun).

Edited April 23, 2015 by LRS1969

[GoBlue]

Hi "LRS1969" - I have been on bowling leagues and don't find anything unusual about this practice. At the same time, however, I certainly understand why you would have your concerns. Have you spoken openly about this with your SO? Any relationship that will stand the test of time is built upon honest and open communication. He (I am assuming you are female and the SO is male) needs to know how you feel. I am more concerned about your statement that you "are actively discouraged" from attending this bowling league altogether. I am not sure what is going on, if anything, but having the conversation seems necessary. Hope it all works out. Be blessed.

[GoBlue]

Marriage relationship. One spouse involved in bowling league - mixed league which does not include other spouse... in fact other spouse is specifically discouraged from going.

 

Paranoia?

 

Making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

Just innocent fun?

 

Or obvious (even if subconscious) flirting?

 

 

I posted a response on your other thread but you failed to mention that this was your spouse. The truth is that it may be "innocent fun" but it still has an impact on you and it should be discussed. Have you considered contacting a counselor? Hope it all goes well.

[LRS1969]

Hi "LRS1969" - I have been on bowling leagues and don't find anything unusual about this practice. At the same time, however, I certainly understand why you would have your concerns. Have you spoken openly about this with your SO? Any relationship that will stand the test of time is built upon honest and open communication. He (I am assuming you are female and the SO is male) needs to know how you feel. I am more concerned about your statement that you "are actively discouraged" from attending this bowling league altogether. I am not sure what is going on, if anything, but having the conversation seems necessary. Hope it all works out. Be blessed.

 

 

 

No, I am male and my SO (spouse of +45 years) is the female bowler with the male bowling partner.

 

This (the naive but, IMO, indeed flirtatious activities) has been a long term problem.

 

So the fact that they do this only with each other and not the other two on their team is NOT a problem?

 

Or that in league bowling over the years - previously until last 2-3 season strictly Women's League that the wife NEVER used the move, just high fives - and sometime later fist bumps came in -- in fact, at the start of the season when her direct partner was a male relative and not this guy, she used just high fives and fist bumps with him - not the soft gimme skin dap... but that's still NOT a problem?

 

The fact that it is a slow, smooth move and NOT exuberant or celebratory is also NOT a problem?

 

The fact that other bowlers (and I've observed closely as I have now - since his introduction onto team - "dropped in frequently" - and watched) do NOT use this move is NOT a problem?

 

Bowling league etiquette:

 

BowlingIntel Forums - High Five or not?

 

Sheffield University Tenpin Bowling Club » Etiquette

 

Unwritten Rules of Sports?But for Bowling? | Bloggers To Be Named Later

 

And the fact that I was not only not asked (when her bowling hobby was resurrected - only now in Mixed Leagues instead of Women's Leagues) but have been ACTIVELY discouraged from going or showing up (as in telling me NOT to go), well, that is also NOT a problem?

 

Gosh.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I never realized how apt that I was to jump to conclusions like that and to make mountains out of molehills!

 

I guess that I should look at getting some therapy for excessive jealousy and paranoia.

 

And just ignore these non problems.

 

Well... let me see if there are any other (hopefully) replies.

Edited April 23, 2015 by LRS1969
Spelling

[LRS1969]

I posted a response on your other thread but you failed to mention that this was your spouse. The truth is that it may be "innocent fun" but it still has an impact on you and it should be discussed. Have you considered contacting a counselor? Hope it all goes well.

 

 

I am in counseling. She agreed that we'd get individual counseling and once completed, we'd get combined marriage counseling. After years of MY individual counseling, she went for about 6 months. We then started marriage counseling and she walked out of second session and third session and was a no show for fourth.

 

I believe the degree of open and honest communication from her can be seen by reading between the lines.

 

Her response is always that I am just being jealous, that I am making a mountain out of a molehill (etcetera).

 

I just wanted to post this across a few forums and "ask the expert" sites to see if this is considered "flirting" - or if I am being overly jealous, paranoid, etcetera.

 

(I just don't see flirting as a gray area, that there is "innocent flirting" or "just having fun" or "just am really, really friendly" - beyond a normal, polite courtesy level... but them maybe "I" really am the problem, eh?).

Edited April 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link to competing site and duplicate information from thread merge

[Clockwork]

Marriage relationship. One spouse involved in bowling league - mixed league which does not include other spouse... in fact other spouse is specifically discouraged from going.

 

Particulars:

 

What does it mean in a bowling league environment where everyone else is doing high fives (strikes or difficult spares picked up), or fist bumps (spares not made), that most of the times my partner (who started out as a sub and I don't know real well) instead does this?

 

They hold their hand out flat and horizontal with palm down. When I respond with my hand out flat and palm down, instead of a high five, they slide their fingertips across my palm and fingertips in a single stroking movement. And that's whether it's a high five situation or a fist bump situation.

 

I haven't really paid much attention before now as there's only been like 3 games to this point, but it's hit me how consistent it is and has me now wondering if that (whatever it's called - it seems to be like something modified from part of a Dap greeting) action is a flirting maneuver (we are opposite sexes). Especially with the fact that they DO high five and fist bump the other members of the team (and persons on team being played occasionally) when appropriate - and never does the "palm stroke" with them!

 

Paranoia?

 

Making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

Just innocent fun?

 

Or obvious (even if subconscious) flirting?

 

Fist pumps and hive-fives............whatever. No big deal.

 

 

But like another poster said, what kind of bowling league is this where there are both genders and yet your spouse cannot join? A Men's-only bowling league? No big deal, the wives can stay at home for that, it's a guy's night out. But a mixed team that purposely leaves the spouses out? That's strange. You know, there are plenty of other bowling leagues that your spouse could attend.

[davidromero43]

I would need a little more to go on. I might tell my wife something like "Hey touchy feely, knock it off. I don't like the extra little hand contact crap going on. Now go make me a sandwhich". Ok, I might leave that last part out. But feel free to tell her you don't like it. Don't take it to the next level of asking what else is going on. Just leave it at you don't like it. If she says do you think I'm having an affair or anything like that. Try something like "I seriously doubt you would be that bold in front of me. I just don't want another man touching my wife like that. And no butt slaps either". Just some ideas. She won't stop if she doesn't know its a problem.

[preraph]

Oh, my gosh, it doesn't take much to make you jealous. Are you kidding? You're jealous of your SO high-fiving her teammate in bowling? Just how sensitive do you think palms are, exactly?

 

You are way too paranoid. If this is the most damning "evidence" you can find of cheating or flirting, you are the one with the problem. If it makes you feel better, just go with her every time, but if you're going to do that, don't sit there ruining her night out with your irrational attitude. If you're going to go, laugh and be nice and have fun.

[LRS1969]

Oh, my gosh, it doesn't take much to make you jealous. Are you kidding? You're jealous of your SO high-fiving her teammate in bowling? Just how sensitive do you think palms are, exactly?

 

You are way too paranoid. If this is the most damning "evidence" you can find of cheating or flirting, you are the one with the problem. If it makes you feel better, just go with her every time, but if you're going to do that, don't sit there ruining her night out with your irrational attitude. If you're going to go, laugh and be nice and have fun.

 

 

 

As with most, you clearly are simply scanning the Post.

 

You don't even have the circumstances right.

 

They are NOT high giving! Read the Post!

 

Palm / fingertips sensitivity???

 

Second only to genitalia (would you like me to post the links of the medical nature that specifies that?).

 

With not really being aware of what the situation is about (as it involved NUMEROUS particulars besides the "gimme skin" move), I would have preferred a more explanatory reply - or none at all.

[Try]

at the start of the season when her direct partner was a male relative and not this guy, she used just high fives and fist bumps with him - not the soft gimme skin dap... but that's still NOT a problem?

The fact that this is there special thing is a problem.

 

The fact that it is a slow, smooth move and NOT exuberant or celebratory is also NOT a problem?

They are clearly flirting.

 

And the fact that I was not only not asked (when her bowling hobby was resurrected - only now in Mixed Leagues instead of Women's Leagues) but have been ACTIVELY discouraged from going or showing up (as in telling me NOT to go), well, that is also NOT a problem?

The fact that you are not welcome is a big red flag.

 

You cannot control her actions but you can control yours. Join the team just like the other man did. Go to every game even before you get on the team. Sit with her and claim her as your wife. Ignore her protests just like she is ignoring yours. If she does not like it, too bad. Time to man up and take action.

Edited April 23, 2015 by Try

[LRS1969]

I would need a little more to go on. I might tell my wife something like "Hey touchy feely, knock it off. I don't like the extra little hand contact crap going on. Now go make me a sandwhich". Ok, I might leave that last part out. But feel free to tell her you don't like it. Don't take it to the next level of asking what else is going on. Just leave it at you don't like it. If she says do you think I'm having an affair or anything like that. Try something like "I seriously doubt you would be that bold in front of me. I just don't want another man touching my wife like that. And no butt slaps either". Just some ideas. She won't stop if she doesn't know its a problem.

 

 

1. She knows it is a problem. And that some version of it has been frequently a problem (which was spelled out in one example in the Post - would other examples make the situation clearer?).

 

2. If the Post was really read, you'd grasp that I was told NOT to be there, that officially I am NOT there, that until recently I had not been going but the sudden replacement of the regular full-time with this sub got me to go there to just observe. I wasn't sneaking around, hiding behind things, etcetera... just casually sitting at the observation deck having a couple beers - NOT sitting down at the Team Table (I'm NOT a member of the team... She has signed up for a couple seasons now - after not bowling for a long time, ad then strictly in Women's Leagues - into Mixed Leagues with MF/MF 4-person teams that intentionally and without asking specifically did NOT include her husband).... So how do I make those announcements and comments down on the floor without making a scene? I would really like to know the answer to that one.

 

3. In times where they have become of my presence (I'll wave and nod), they ARE bold enough to do the gimme skin in front of me - but just on occasion, not near as frequently as when I have observed unnoticed. A key is that they don't revert to high fives and fist bumps (which they do with the other team members, just don't do anything - other than the occasional gimme skin that just comes through naturally.

 

FINALLY....

 

Let me get this straight.

 

I do not believe that my wife initiated this. I believe that the guy did. I believe that my wife is just "going along" not understanding that flirting is happening. But I do know that when it is brought up that the bitching starts that I'm "making a big deal out of something innocent".

 

But it sure doesn't look that way to me.

[LRS1969]

The fact that this is there special thing is a problem.

 

They are clearly flirting.

 

The fact that you are not welcome is a big red flag.

 

You cannot control her actions but you can control yours. Join the team just like the other man did. Go to every game even before you get on the team. Sit with her and claim her as your wife. Ignore her protests just like she is ignoring yours. If she does not like it, too bad. Time to man up and take action.

 

 

The league is full (and this season nearly over). Teams don't have members that join whatever they want to... the teams set themselves up, give themselves a name, and sign up for the season. There is NO way that - unwanted - I can "enlist" on that team. Or any other team (most end up fixed for years). I could start a new team, but with WHO, and I couldn't get on THIS league as it is FILLED up (older teams get dibs to join come each new season).

 

You don't know much about bowling league structures and organizations, do you?

 

Over the last couple series, I HAVE gone to EVERY game.

 

And, everyone at the table KNOWS that she's my wife!

 

Time to man up? Well, let's see... I'm a former Marine, retired cop with 17 years SWAT, powerlifting competition and boxing training background. And numerous advanced tactical and combatives training schools. Would you recommend simply breaking his jaw along with the offending arm -- or just calling him out "Old West style"???

 

Your call.

 

Next game in 2 nights so I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply.

 

(Hmmmm.... manning up don't that easy as option after all, eh?)

 

BUT.... I will give you a BIG thumbs up for this:

 

You did affirm that it IS flirting - and...

 

You did affirm that there is a BIG Red Flag warning there!

 

So that is a major plus in overriding the "less thought out" elements.

[d0nnivain]

The finger sliding, palm fondleing whatever you call it is a bit suspicious because it's only between your wife & this one guy.

 

However, he's lingering on her palm not grabbing her butt. Downshift on the jealousy thing. If that is the most flirting she does, let it go as long as it doesn't escalate too far beyond that. Do show up on league nights though.

[LRS1969]

Fist pumps and hive-fives............whatever. No big deal.

 

 

But like another poster said, what kind of bowling league is this where there are both genders and yet your spouse cannot join? A Men's-only bowling league? No big deal, the wives can stay at home for that, it's a guy's night out. But a mixed team that purposely leaves the spouses out? That's strange. You know, there are plenty of other bowling leagues that your spouse could attend.

 

 

 

It is a Mixed League. A four person team of 2 males and 2 females (required). Ad they are generally broke down into two couples (MF/MF).

 

My wife - the spouse bowling - used to bowl regularly YEARS AGO - strictly in Womens Leagues. She started back up two years ago (maybe 3) by joining a team being formed (but without me, her husband - I do not enjoy bowling but always liked going with her, especially as we do hardly anything together). Anyway, the league does not require that the spouse not be involved or participate -- that is a rule my wife has just for me (as well as her preference that I NOT even show up). If this was a Woman's League, no problem, though stopping by to watch on OCCASION and have a couple beers would be nice.

 

The problem is with it being a Mixed League, being made clear that I am NOT welcome, and then the newer "hand jive" actions ARE the problems!

 

I don't know where that idea came from, but those restrictions on me are NOT coming from the league!

 

And if you are reading all my replies to posts, you should be aware that I am not primarily blaming my wife as being the flirted, but more so as the naive flirtee who goes along with it - and gets into denial as to that is what is going on..

[LRS1969]

Oh, my gosh, it doesn't take much to make you jealous. Are you kidding? You're jealous of your SO high-fiving her teammate in bowling? Just how sensitive do you think palms are, exactly?

 

You are way too paranoid. If this is the most damning "evidence" you can find of cheating or flirting, you are the one with the problem. If it makes you feel better, just go with her every time, but if you're going to do that, don't sit there ruining her night out with your irrational attitude. If you're going to go, laugh and be nice and have fun.

 

 

Flirting With Disaster: How Your 'Harmless' Intrigue Is Undermining Your Marriage | Christina Pesoli

 

Mulan's long rant about Flirting - Marriage Builders® Forums

[LRS1969]

The finger sliding, palm fondleing whatever you call it is a bit suspicious because it's only between your wife & this one guy.

 

However, he's lingering on her palm not grabbing her butt. Downshift on the jealousy thing. If that is the most flirting she does, let it go as long as it doesn't escalate too far beyond that. Do show up on league nights though.

 

 

 

Mulan's long rant about Flirting - Marriage Builders® Forums

 

Flirting With Disaster: How Your 'Harmless' Intrigue Is Undermining Your Marriage | Christina Pesoli

[Try]

You don't know much about bowling league structures and organizations, do you?

Nope, I know nothing at all about it.

 

Over the last couple series, I HAVE gone to EVERY game.

It did not sound that way when you kept telling us that she was telling you that she did not want you to go. Glad that you manned up and went anyways.

 

Time to man up? Well, let's see... I'm a former Marine, retired cop with 17 years SWAT, powerlifting competition and boxing training background. And numerous advanced tactical and combatives training schools. Would you recommend simply breaking his jaw along with the offending arm -- or just calling him out "Old West style"???

 

Your call.

 

Next game in 2 nights so I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply.

 

(Hmmmm.... manning up don't that easy as option after all, eh?)

I did not tell you to "break his jaw". I told you to man up and take action, such as going to every game even if she does not want you to go. Since you apparently are already doing that, you already manned up. Many on these sites do not. You are a bit touchy considering that I actually fully agreed with your point of view. I know that you are upset, but you should be nicer to people that are on your side and trying to help. Edited April 24, 2015 by Try

[Try]

It is a Mixed League. A four person team of 2 males and 2 females (required). Ad they are generally broke down into two couples (MF/MF).

 

My wife - the spouse bowling - used to bowl regularly YEARS AGO - strictly in Womens Leagues.

If Women's Leagues are available, why would a married woman join a Mixed League where they would be coupled up with other men? I would understand it if there were no Women's League available, of she were single looking to meet members of the opposite sex, but add to this her not wanting you to go, and this is a big red flag.

 

 

you should be aware that I am not primarily blaming my wife as being the flirted, but more so as the naive flirtee who goes along with it - and gets into denial as to that is what is going on..

You are the one in "denial as to that is what is going on" if you think that your wife is the "naive flirtee" in joining a Mixed League where she does not want you to attend.

[LRS1969]

Nope, I know nothing at all about it.

 

It did not sound that way when you kept telling us that she was telling you that she did not want you to go. Glad that you manned up and went anyways.

 

I did not tell you to "break his jaw". I told you to man up and take action, such as going to every game even if she does not want you to go. Since you apparently are already doing that, you already manned up. Many on these sites do not. You are a bit touchy considering that I actually fully agreed with your point of view. I know that you are upset, but you should be nicer to people that are on your side and trying to help.

 

 

Sorry about the sensitivity.

 

It is just that to "man up" has a LOT different connotation in my background environment - different from that of simply going to the games anyway. To me that part was a given and I was popping in even before this guy showed up.as a substitute / then regular (the "request" had been made at start of season, like 8 months ago and he subbed a couple times about 3 months ago and has been a "subbed in regular" for about 2 months, with the League games, 2 1/2 to 3 hours, every other Saturday... so I had already been "popping in"; now it was earlier and for duration).

 

Plus I assumed that it was grasped that I had done that (been going to the games) seeing as how I had observed it several times as no one was passing this info on to me...

 

The first couple of times I sat at the observation counter - just above the bowling deck area where teams are right below - and sat through a couple beers before being noticed... which is how I noted that the guy's action of doing this every time tapered down somewhat once he noticed I was there; not that it went to high fives and fits bumps, just nothing other than now the occasional gimme five that slipped through - unconsciously? as he would then glance at my direction, like "Oops!").

 

As far as bowling etiquette:

 

http://sutbc.union.shef.ac.uk/?page_id=144

 

http://www.bowlingintel.com/forum/archive/index.php?thread-1519.html

 

http://www.bloggerstobenamedlater.com/2012/10/16/unwritten-rules-of-sports-but-for-bowling/

 

As far as meaning of gesture and its significance (all of these evolved from the Dap Greeting as developed by Black Marines in the VN War - my time - with evolving from Slap Five, Fist Pops, Give Me Five, etcetera... then evolving into high fives and fist bumps - and Gimme Skin, which the later did have flirtatious meanings as first evolved)...

 

http://www.seductionscience.com/2011/a-friendly-handshake-that-makes-women-feel-instant-attraction/

 

http://dangerdame.com/2014/02/13/the-3-most-erotic-places-to-touch-someone-with-your-clothes-still-on/

 

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/twn-news/the-touch-test-can-you-feel-the-difference

 

Again, sorry for the touchiness!

Edited April 25, 2015 by LRS1969
Spelling and additions

[LRS1969]

Fist pumps and hive-fives............whatever. No big deal.

 

 

But like another poster said, what kind of bowling league is this where there are both genders and yet your spouse cannot join? A Men's-only bowling league? No big deal, the wives can stay at home for that, it's a guy's night out. But a mixed team that purposely leaves the spouses out? That's strange. You know, there are plenty of other bowling leagues that your spouse could attend.

 

 

 

I thought that I had replied to this.

 

The League IS a Mixed League and requires 22 males and 2 females. Technically it is one 4-person team. Realistically, the team's consist of two couples over 90% of time. The members are blindly assigned to various teams, but "set themselves up" (put their team together) and sign up (and pay) to whichever League as long as there are vacancies. Each League bowling night, one team is paired off versus another team (they are assigned that night right next to each other on the lanes - say lane 24 and 25).

 

The original team was another couple (20 years younger) that we know, my wife, and a male family relative of ours. That was roughly 8 months ago (long seasons). This guy subbed like 3 months ago (and I think 2 or 3 times, maybe, before that, just periodically as a legit sub. Then like 2 months ago the male family relative was eased out and this guy slid in as a "permanent sub" for rest of season... and wife didn't set this up, it was by the other couple as this guy was VG friends with the male BF / SO of the other couple on team).

 

And yes, years ago my wife used to bowl regularly - even going to a couple tournaments... strictly on Women Leagues, not any Mixed Leagues. It was just when she resurrected her bowling hobby three years ago that she was talked into going into this Mixed League. Initially with a different team where it was replacing our youngest daughter, so it was her, the son-in-law, and a couple that the son-in-law had known for years. Then just this season was there the jump over to this team (younger daughter took her place back on that team).

 

Hopefully that clears things up...

[LRS1969]

I would need a little more to go on. I might tell my wife something like "Hey touchy feely, knock it off. I don't like the extra little hand contact crap going on. Now go make me a sandwhich". Ok, I might leave that last part out. But feel free to tell her you don't like it. Don't take it to the next level of asking what else is going on. Just leave it at you don't like it. If she says do you think I'm having an affair or anything like that. Try something like "I seriously doubt you would be that bold in front of me. I just don't want another man touching my wife like that. And no butt slaps either". Just some ideas. She won't stop if she doesn't know its a problem.

 

 

See full series of posts and read details (if you want to know The Full Picture). In general, she knows.

 

As far as this particular situation, I wanted to wait (since there was only by then a couple games left) to point out what is happening and pulling aside and asking why they are Gimme Skin with each other and high fives and fist bumps with everyone else.

 

It will either, after a few moments, hit her what Gimme Skin is (and it ain't bowling etiquette gesturing) or will remain confused and require more detailed discussion at home... but either way it will hit her that this has been going on with this guy - and if Gimme Skin hits home in the old Memory Bank, I won't have to say much as she'll be (IMO) pretty embarrassed and chagrined.

[Clockwork]

It is a Mixed League. A four person team of 2 males and 2 females (required). Ad they are generally broke down into two couples (MF/MF).

 

My wife - the spouse bowling - used to bowl regularly YEARS AGO - strictly in Womens Leagues. She started back up two years ago (maybe 3) by joining a team being formed (but without me, her husband - I do not enjoy bowling but always liked going with her, especially as we do hardly anything together). Anyway, the league does not require that the spouse not be involved or participate -- that is a rule my wife has just for me (as well as her preference that I NOT even show up). If this was a Woman's League, no problem, though stopping by to watch on OCCASION and have a couple beers would be nice.

 

The problem is with it being a Mixed League, being made clear that I am NOT welcome, and then the newer "hand jive" actions ARE the problems!

 

I don't know where that idea came from, but those restrictions on me are NOT coming from the league!

 

And if you are reading all my replies to posts, you should be aware that I am not primarily blaming my wife as being the flirted, but more so as the naive flirtee who goes along with it - and gets into denial as to that is what is going on..

 

Alright, my main concern would be why your wife prefers you aren't there. I don't know, just a bit of an alarm bell for me. That would be bothersome for me. If it were just a bunch of women, that's another thing, but wanting you to stay away in a mixed league might just be a warning sign of something.

[LRS1969]

The finger sliding, palm fondleing whatever you call it is a bit suspicious because it's only between your wife & this one guy.

 

However, he's lingering on her palm not grabbing her butt. Downshift on the jealousy thing. If that is the most flirting she does, let it go as long as it doesn't escalate too far beyond that. Do show up on league nights though.

 

 

 

Number One: An expert opinion on "harmless flirting" (plus I don't think that I should wait until it gets to the "butt grabbing" stage AND as I think I have related, I wasn't saying that SHE was flirting but that he was and that she was going along with it either unaware or naively)

 

Flirting With Disaster: How Your 'Harmless' Intrigue Is Undermining Your Marriage*|*Christina Pesoli

 

In any case, my strategy of presentation on this situation worked (presenting factual data - the informational links! - about it NOT being harmless or just clean fun and what it really is and means, along with a number of opinions from others as to it not being right - to remove the Me vs. You defensive response to a large degree) was successful and mission has been successful.

Edited April 26, 2015 by LRS1969
Correction