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Is this a sexless marriage?


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TiredofTrying79

Hi, longtime lurker first time poster. I have spent alot of time reading on here about sexless marriages and it has been wonderful to get both male and female perspectives on the subject. Without going into alot of details about my life and my sexless marriage I was just wondering what really constitutes a sexless marriage. I have had physical intercourse with my wife less than a handful of times of the last 8 years or so, but here is the kicker, she is fulling willing to give me a blowjob whenever I damn well please? Would other husbands be ok if they got off whenever they wanted but had no intimate relationship with their wives? I am so unhappy because I am looking for intimacy and I get zero. What would other people do in my situation, do you stick around or leave?

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Why do you ask what others would do in your situation? So what if some guys would be ok with BJs only. You clearly are not, and you're miserable. Would finding out that 10 guys would be ok with it and 5 guys wouldn't make you any less miserable?

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Michelle ma Belle

I suppose it depends on how you define intimacy. It would appear that you and your wife have different definitions. She may see it as sexual release hence the blow job buffet while you see it as more of an emotional connection coupled with physical intimacy.

 

Have you communicated your feelings to her at all?

 

I know that most men in any relationship would love to have an unlimited supply of blow jobs but I suppose even a good thing can seem less so when you know you're missing out on other good bits.

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You're clearly not ok with it and you shouldn't be, but as a wife, I would much rather know that my hubby wants an intimate relationship over just getting off. It means sooooooo much more!

 

Can you tell her this? Is there a reason why she doesn't like to have sex?

 

Intimacy should be two people enjoying each other and both receiving pleasure. With the current situation you've explained the pleasure is only one way. Tell her you want the pleasure to go both ways! ;)

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maybe she has some kind of BJ fetish........

 

i'm just sayin'.......

 

does she enjoy when you go down on her, too?

is a BJ ALL you do? is there cuddling, groping, dry humping, kissing?

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autumnnight

It's perfectly OK for you not to be OK with this.

 

Someone will probably suggest you do more dishes or stop equating sex with love.

 

I'm going to suggest you get honest with her about what you need, and, quite simply, if she loves you she'll try to meet that intimate, exclusive need.

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TiredofTrying79

Thank you for the feedback, to answer some of your questions I have talked about this her many times over our 10 year marriage but she just shuts down, nothing ever changes. Since I started lurking here a couple months ago I have managed to let go of the anger and bitterness that has formed over the years from trying to explain it to her nicely, getting mad about, etc. Recently I have been able to explain better to her the real hurt that this has caused me and I told her that I was going to continue to bring up this conversation because I refuse to keep sticking our heads in the sand but after listening to me lay my heart out for half an hour he response was "Are we really going to continue to talk about this every night after the kids go to bed" I just about cried after she said that cause it really hit home that she may love me but she is not in love with me.

 

For people wondering why I put up with it, we have 3 young kids together and they are my world. I haven't ever cheated and as far as I know neither has she.

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Does she show you affection in other ways? Does she enjoy other non penatrative sexual acts? If yes and yes, the fact that she shuts down whenever you try to talk about it makes me wonder if there is some physical issue with intercourse that she is embarrassed about.

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Blowjob buffet sounds so bland.

 

If you went to a buffet everyday and they just had the same item on the menu, you'd definitely get bored of it.

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TiredofTrying79

That's part of my issue, she is very affectionate and wants me to be affectionate with her but after ten years of no intimacy it's gets kind hard to show affection. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she is a fantastic mother and we agree on child rearing, life, etc. We get along great except there is this giant whole inside me. I explained it to her the other night that I basically only have half a wife, I have the life of a happily married husband but I feel single cause there is no intimacy. I'm not looking for passion like when were started dating, but there is absolutely nothing there.

 

Syberia, she does enjoy other act from a physical stand point, I go down on here as much as she lets me (she prefers to give me a blowjob to stop things whenever i do anything to show I am interested in her) I have the normal worries that I am awful in bed but I can make her orgasm multiple times before we even get to penetration and although it is hard to remember sometimes I know that I have given her orgasm more often than not in penetration as well.

 

If she is faking it she is a damn good actor and has the ability to umm.... release fluids.... by thought then. I'm no casanova but I really don't think I can't satisfy her.

Edited by TiredofTrying79
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Is she worried about getting pregnant maybe or even an STD?

She has had 3 kids, is she sore when you have intercourse?

When did the intercourse frequency start slowing down?

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TiredofTrying79

after our third she had her tubes removed (c-section so it was easier for her than me) so not worried about kids. She is not sore, she won't even let me put it in, we basically do everything but penetration. I have tried so many things, I have done foreplay for hours, I can make her orgasm orally, fingers, etc. She just doesn't want sex, it's only if I initiate and then she tries to avoid penetration no matter what. She won't explain anything to me, she just says she doesn't know why, her hormones are off (won't go to doctor to actually confirm this). I'm really starting to get a complex that I am no good in bed but when I logically analyze what sex we have had and when I look on the forums about other people, I keep realizing that it's not me.

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davidromero43

If you got some type of lube like fire n ice. Do you think she would try it? You start to get intimate, reach over and take it out of the side table drawer. You say "Look what I got for us to try". Would she do it?

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Hi, longtime lurker first time poster. I have spent alot of time reading on here about sexless marriages and it has been wonderful to get both male and female perspectives on the subject. Without going into alot of details about my life and my sexless marriage I was just wondering what really constitutes a sexless marriage. I have had physical intercourse with my wife less than a handful of times of the last 8 years or so, but here is the kicker, she is fulling willing to give me a blowjob whenever I damn well please? Would other husbands be ok if they got off whenever they wanted but had no intimate relationship with their wives? I am so unhappy because I am looking for intimacy and I get zero. What would other people do in my situation, do you stick around or leave?

 

 

Sexless is defined as less then 12 times a year. An oral sex is sex. In fact in some marriages sex might take all sorts of ways - beyond or instead of intercourse. Age, health, medical issues and more can make intercourse less a part of sex for some.

 

Many women view blowjobs as MORE intimate than intercourse - more giving - and its why typically they are the first act to start disappear in marriages. It has/did in my marriage. I miss giving and receiving oral like we used to do. I also view oral as more intimate then intercourse.

 

But everyone defines intimacy differently.

 

Grass is greener thing I guess.

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I just about cried after she said that cause it really hit home that she may love me but she is not in love with me.

 

Don't think that's true as she's certainly going out of her way to make things work in her own dysfunctional way. Since you've been lurking here, I'm sure you know many spouses become averse to or uninterested in sex without worrying about the effect on their partner. She's still giving, a pretty loving act in my book.

 

There's an answer, you just haven't found it yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Divorce.

 

Read the other threads here. Check out the dead bedrooms section on reddit. If your relationship has been been like this for years it won't get better. We only have one life, and it's better not to spend much of our time being unhappy.

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I know two women like this. Both have unresolved trauma. One was a rape victim and one was sexually abused by her father as a young teenager.

 

 

If your wife wont tell you why she refuses to engage in intercourse, your only option may be to tell her you want a divorce unless she goes to counseling to figure out what her issue is.

 

 

Before that of course it would be good if you could try to encourage a calm safe atmosphere where she might be able to tell you if something like this happened to her.

 

 

Still, she might not be able to open up to you without professional help if this is at all what is causing her issues.

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When you share openly from your heart and your spouse shuts you down without any significant response, it sounds like it's time for professional help. Have you ever contacted a counselor? Suggested that the two of you seek help? There is lots of help available. You are not the first couple who has experienced this kind of a situation. I know about an article titled Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs that may be helpful as you approach the subject next time. Maybe just printing it off and asking her to read it will be a none threatening way to bring it up again. If you are interested in looking at it send me a private message and I will send you the link.

 

As a man who lost his marriage because of stupidity and carelessness, my heart really goes out to those who are struggling. I often wish I could go back in time and fix myself without having to go through this awfulness, but none of us get that luxury. Since there are no "do-overs" it's vitally important that we not take anything for granted. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Edited by GoBlue
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it definitely is a strange story you tell.

you are sure she does not have vaginal pain from intercourse?

 

 

You can not call it sexless, because you can get a BJ any time you need one. a LOT of guys would kill to be in your position.

 

 

have you tried anal sex....maybe she would be ok with that if she is not telling you about some hidden medical condition she has.

 

 

can you get a sex toy into her and get her to orgasm? if so, there would be no reason for her to not let your penis in there too!

 

 

the only reasons I can think of are she is bat **** crazy, OR she has a lover and has promised him that you can no longer make love to her.

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