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Unhappy in my marraige a my husband doesn't know it.


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FIRST OFF ill try to tell you our story. Back in 2007 I was in a very unhealthy relationship with my ex. Then, let's call him "E"...then E came along. We started hanging out a lot and he asked me to date him. Things were ok, but I started to get tired of him...4 months into our relationship I got pregnant. Then bam! I automatically felt like it was it...there was no way I was ever going to get away. I had the baby...a baby girl. He was a great father...got a job to where he was home all the time and really helped out a lot with her. But something still didn't feel right for me...I loved him for the father he was but never really fell in love with him. Then a little later down the road when our baby turned a year old he decides to get a job that causes him to be gone often and I get to stay home with a very fussy child alone for days and sometimes a week at a time. Id always be depressed...stressed out..and down right miserable. A month later I get pregnant with our 2nd child when our first is only 13 months. That entire pregnancy and after the pregnancy was alone most of the time while he worked. I felt like a single parent. I was always stressed out to the max and so lonely. That job of his started causing us horrible financial problems. We are now thousands of dollars in the hole. So this causes a lot of stress on both of us...especially with our 3rd child on the way...our girls are now 4 and 6 years old. He now works offshore working 14 and 7. He just started and I dont think I can take it with him being gone. My kids are so horrible for me and i have never been so stressed out and depressed. Along with all of that that I just wrote about.......I feel like we have had no relationship for the longest time. When hes home he sleeps...we have no communication at all. We dont even argue. He spends zero time with our kids..and he never wants to leave home. We're always stuck at the house with him...we, well our girls, have been asking for him to take us fishing for over a year now and it has yet to happen. We live on an island surrounded by water and he has has never brought us. Id love for him to spend time with them but he just wants to hang around the house...not hard for him to do things around the house with them either. He can include them in cooking with him...watching movies and eating popcorn. Little things like that...its the time spent that matters. Insted of sitting around fussing st them for everything the whole time he is home he needs to get up and try! Hes gone 2 weeks at a time and is home for only 1. My kids need a father in the I life and I feel that is 1 reason they're so out of control for me. And with me and him...we cant even hold a conversation..if we're not talking about the kids we have nothing to talk about...we dont laugh...we dont play around. We do the same thing every night when the kids are asleep...we lay on the sofa and watch tv and he sleeps...so im up alone. The only time he wants to rub my back or anything like that is when he wants sex. Im just so fed up and infeel so alone all the time. We are now going on 7 years and 4 years into our marriage and I think I want outmode. He has no idea how unhappy I am. I just want a life. We've been doing the same exact thing for 7 years. Idk what to do. Im not happy at all and im tired of my kids see in me so unhappy and depressed. My 4 year old told a friend just the other day that her mommy never smiles. That broke my heart. What do I do? Im scared to talk to him about anything because I know it will end up this big argument and he will make it out to be all my fault. When I cry around him he doesn't even ask me if im ok or anything...he just assumes I want to be left alone and thats what he does...he leaves me alone. Hes not there for me and I cant talk to him about anything. I hope all of this made sense. I have no one to talk to and I just need help and some advice.........if anyone can talk to me.

Edited by mgk1177
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Be honest with him. Tell him how this makes you feel.

 

How can he know - when he doesn't know? He can't! He's not a mind reader... Start communicating honestly with him.

 

Why do you keep having more kids when you're unhappy being married to him?

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I havent talked to him bc its so hard for me to open up. And every other time I have tried to talk to him about things its a big fight...and it shouldn't be...and he puts everything on me. Im not a very good talker..always been like that and I don't even know how to bring it all up to him.

 

And about my kids...I really dont know.

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Lurkeraspect

Why in the world have you had three kids with a man you say you were tired of 4 months into the relationship. My first piece of advice is to get on birth control tomorrow.

 

You also need to have a conversation with this man. I don't mean crying either. You need to have a sit down, rational, calm conversation with him. Write down all your complaints and concerns and go over them all.

 

It also sounds like you may be clinically depressed. While you're seeing your GYN, (for your BC) let him or her know these feelings you're having.

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I had just got put on birth control before my forst was born. It didn't agree with my body and I was hospitalized for 2 days. I lost 20lbs in a little over a week from them and had numerous side effects from it.

My second child I was on a low dose of them bc of my precious problems and I got pregnant with birth control.

Im not on it now bc we simply cant afford it. Im also in the 2nd trimester of this pregnancy.

 

I agree I do need to talk to him...I just cant bring myself to bring it up..I do t know how to bring it up. I try to be calm whenever I do talk to him about things and he just gets so mad and then its a fight.

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Quiet Storm

You don't have to allow your relationship with your husband to influence who you are as a mom. You are allowing your marriage problems to rain down on your kids. You never smile around them? Why? You don't need him to find joy in your kids. You don't need him to be a good mom. Work to resolve your marriage issues by communicating your needs to him. Or divorce. But don't blame him for your mood around your kids. Your bond with them stands on its own. Even if you aren't happy in your marriage, you can still have happy moments with your kids and be positive for them. If you can't do that, go see a doctor because you may have depression.

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You don't have to allow your relationship with your husband to influence who you are as a mom. You are allowing your marriage problems to rain down on your kids. You never smile around them? Why? You don't need him to find joy in your kids. You don't need him to be a good mom. Work to resolve your marriage issues by communicating your needs to him. Or divorce. But don't blame him for your mood around your kids. Your bond with them stands on its own. Even if you aren't happy in your marriage, you can still have happy moments with your kids and be positive for them. If you can't do that, go see a doctor because you may have depression.

 

 

I agree with you. I was on celxa for depression awhile back but it did nothing for me. So i weaned myself off. I dont believe though that I can take anything or do anything about my depression while pregnant. I love my kids more than anything and it hurts me for them to see me like this.

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We all need to speak up for ourselves if we want to be understood.

 

If you don't know how, you can learn.

 

It is something that can be learned. In fact, everybody has to learn it.

 

In your case, I'd begin by writing down your thoughts. Writing down your thoughts will help you build confidence in using words to express yourself.

 

I practice *nonviolent communication* in all my relationships. This begins with using non accusatory ways of expressing yourself. You don't say, "You make me feel xyz." You simply say, "I feel xyz."

 

You don't say, "You don't give me xyz." You say, "I need xyz."

 

This is an oversimplification, but it works if you practice it.

 

Here's another over-simplified example:

 

"Who is better, Bach or Mozart?"

 

You don't say, "Bach is better." You say, "I like Bach more."

 

It's a big topic, and an acquired skill, but once understood and practiced, communication becomes a pleasure and conflict rarely happens.

 

Peace.

Edited by Satu
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You have to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel.

 

 

Look, this idea that a man should be able to read what his wife is thinking and feeling is nonsense. We can't always do this. A man that knows you very well is still not a psychic. He needs to be told your feelings or else you can't complain.

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Clarence_Boddicker

You guys sound way too far apart. You're teaching your kids that marriage is a prison full of isolation & neglect. Get a divorce.

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Friskyone4u

What you are describing does not sound like a marriage and from your side of it he is awol from this relationship . But somehow you need to sit his ass down or get him to a MC and sort it out.

I may have missed it but I believe you say a lot about how miserable you are but nothing about any infidelity so I am assuming that has not happened yet. But at this rate it will and then the problems will get even worse. You have a husband who seems to be checked out , who travels for extended time, you are miserable, and there is no one to talk to.

All the ingredients for you to roo something inappropriate are there.

Get up the courage to sit , talk , and if necessary fight it out .

Lastly, I suggest you see an attorney to at least find out your rights because it seems like the situation you are describing is not sustainable in the long run.

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Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Worth every penny. In fact, we bought a hard copy first, then a digital one so we could do a quick search as needed. It fixed my marriage of 5 years real quick. We read it together, but if you read it by yourself and try implementing some of the lessons, I bet he'd open up.

 

I totally understand feeling trapped. I'm a SAHM too, and my husband was working a regular 9-5 and it was pretty much the same thing you describe.

 

As for the kids, I've found that being mindful of speaking to them in positive ways ("Yes, you can have candy after dinner." vs. "No candy!" kind of stuff) and making sure they're still getting physical affection (hugs, kisses, snuggles as needed) makes them much more willing to cooperate. But even those simple things were impossible for me when my husband and I were at odds with each other.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I really do get it, and I hope you can find the best solution for everyone. *hugs*

 

ETA: Dr. Johnson has a youtube channel so you can preview her angle before you spend money on the book. Just search for her on youtube.

Edited by chomps
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autumnnight

I know what it is to be miserable in a marriage. But gently, no matter how hard it is, if you are not willing to do whatever it takes to try to be honest with him and make your feelings clear, you can't really complain. men are not psychic, and you have children together. So yes, it IS on you to stand up and be honest.

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I'm sorry to be blunt but you can't afford birth control but can afford to birth and raise another child? You need to open your mouth and have a conversation with your husband about how unhappy you are and please for your own sake stop having more children with this man!

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Since you don't talk... Actions should speak for themselves. In other words, file for divorce now.

 

Ask for support money and enough through the courts to get you a new place to live and money to buy food. Ask for health insurance coverage for you and the kids. Go to a clinic (after you have this next baby) and request birth control! There are MANY options.

 

Seek a women's shelter if needed.

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davidromero43

I didn't see if she cheated already or not.

 

If you have. Get a divorce.

 

If you haven't. Get couples counseling, then a divorce.

 

 

Don't stay for the kids. Divorce is way better than an unhappy childhood in an anger filled home.

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