Almost engaged but don't know if it's going to happen

[Mefinder]

Hello everyone,

 

Please bear with me as my story is long.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We started out very casually because I had just gotten out of a relationship eventually We became serious and starting seeing each other exclusively. He started talking about marriage and we even fixed a tentative date (destination wedding). He took me to meet his family and spend last Xmas with them. He also met my parents. We started talking about and looking at engagement rings.

 

During that whole time we weren't really vocal about our love for each other but I know I love him even though we never said it out loud plus I thought the feeling were mutual.

 

At the very beginning of our relationship, During one of our casual dates I had lied about my age (told him I was 2yrs younger...he's still about 5 months older than me) I'd never done that before. I might have said it because I thought he was my rebound guy and nothing could come out of it. But after going to meet his people I knew we were for real so I decided to tell him about my lie 2months ago. He took it really bad and said we should put a hold on the wedding plans and work on our friendship first as he's not sure what else I've lied about. He was very upset.

 

At first I pushed and shoved and wanted to fix things immediately. I apologized, I pleaded, I went over to his place but nothing worked. He wanted us to slow down and wouldn't bulge.

 

I took a trip out to visit family for about 3weeks, we didn't really talk while I was gone except for when he sent me a 5page email about our time together. How it worries him that we've never professed love for each other, how we are not really friends, how he's still angry about the lie. He went on to say that he's trying to regain the fondness that he has for me but while he's doing that he wants us to work on our friendship. I replied the letter telling him What I've told him countless times already; I'm sorry, let's fix things, it won't happen again...

 

The problem the now that I'm back from visiting my parents, we barely talk, I initiate most of the conversations and he's very brief. We can go days without talking until I say hi then he immediately replies back but with little or not details. Today I asked if we were working on us as we barely communicate, he said he has a promotion interview coming up in a few days so now is not a good time. I said ok and he should let me know when a good time is so we can meet up and talk face to face.

 

Do you think this relationship stands a chance or I should just cut my losses and learn from this and move on?

[d0nnivain]

If it's going to work it will take a lot of time & work BEFORE you even think about getting engaged.

 

 

Work on the present. Worry about the future when it becomes the present.

[William]

This subject is more about Marriage. Second chances is about relationships that are totally broken up.

 

Carry on.

[Mrlonelyone]

I think your relationship is set back but not destroyed.

 

You have to step back and woo him as if you were at square one. Then see how he responds.

[stillafool]

I'm kind of curious why you told him you were 2 years younger than you are what were you to gain by telling him that? If he is still really upset about the lie 3 weeks later and pulling back I think you should be worried. I guess he's thinking if you can lie about something so minor as your age can he really trust you. Only time will tell on this one. I must say if your relationship doesn't get back on track in a month you may want to move on.

[oldshirt]

Hello everyone,

 

Please bear with me as my story is long.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We started out very casually

 

 

 

During that whole time we weren't really vocal about our love for each other but I know I love him even though we never said it out loud plus I thought the feeling were mutual.

 

 

 

 

 

At the very beginning of our relationship, During one of our casual dates I had lied about my age (told him I was 2yrs younger...

 

 

 

 

I might have said it because I thought he was my rebound guy and nothing could come out of it.

 

 

 

 

But after going to meet his people I knew we were for real so I decided to tell him about my lie 2months ago. He took it really bad and said we should put a hold on the wedding plans and work on our friendship first as he's not sure what else I've lied about.

 

 

 

He wanted us to slow down and wouldn't bulge.

 

 

Your BF is actually the one in the right here. Why on earth would you lie about something so simple and so basic as your age?? Did you really think that would help you or think that he wouldn't find out??

 

He is being wise. What else are you hiding and covering up?

 

Look at the statements you made above. Those things indicate that you were not very invested in the relationship. In the beginning stages of your relationship, he was just a bed warmer and an ego stroker to you after your break up.

 

Karma is kind of a bitch at times. You don't just get to have fun and laughs and screw around and then one day have people take you seriously just because you changed your mind one day.

 

He is being smart here and doing the right thing. It is wise for him to step back and look at things a little more clearly and determine is you really are a legitimate candidate to share a mortgage and credit rating with you and for you to be the bearer of his children.

 

You may be a good, solid person who did something dumb on a whim, or you may be a bit cray-cray and a Stage Five Bunny Boiler for all he knows. For all he knows you are a hustler just out to screw guys to stroke your own ego and sooth your own wounds. If he were my son, I would want him to look at things objectively and determine if things are really adding up or not.

 

As long as there isn't more smoke and mirrors to this story that you are not telling us, I don't think this has to be a deal breaker and that the relationship is necessarily doomed. But I do think you should should do as he says and go back to square one and start Saturday night dating again and get to know each other for real and develop your relationship from the ground up with honesty and openness and not be playing games and pulling the wool over his eyes.

 

It's better to have him dump the real you and let you move on to find someone that will love the real you rather than to marry the fake you and have to be a fake version of yourself forever.

[Diezel]

This sounds more like the story of two people who are almost broken up, not almost engaged.

 

You lied. He needs time to heal. This may never heal.

It's ultimately his call now.

[Mrlonelyone]

The others are right. The trust issue is a big deal because when we marry someone we share EVERYTHING with them. We are with them at least 10-12 hours a day, living with them, sleeping in the same bed. Suppose you marry someone who is a liar and cray cray and they decide to set the bed on fire? That happens.

 

Think of John Wayne Bobbit and Lorena Bobbit .... one of them should have said "wait a minute" about that relationship.

 

You need to earn back the trust between you. It could take another couple of years to do it.

 

Marriage is a relationship on another level from any of the relatively insignificant* relationships we discuss here. Other than the bond between parent and child nothing can be more solid (especially if you have kids with them...then you're stuck for life whether you like it or not.)

 

This sounds more like the story of two people who are almost broken up, not almost engaged.

 

You lied. He needs time to heal. This may never heal.

It's ultimately his call now.

 

It is sort of a boundary between almost broken up and almost engaged. On the one hand he may not come back on the other in a week he could say he wants to marry her now more than ever.

 

*Not meant to put down any RLship since when we are in them they feel pretty important.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This sounds more like the story of two people who are almost broken up, not almost engaged.

 

You lied. He needs time to heal. This may never heal.

It's ultimately his call now.

 

I agree so completely. You lied to him, he isn't sure how he feels about you, when a guy says 'I want to work on our friendship' it means he's broken up with you in his mind but just hasn't had the guts to tell you to your face yet. On top of that he's blowing you off, telling you now isn't a good time to talk, and going days without speaking to you. He clearly knows it's not going to work out and that you want to work on it.

 

You're practically broke up and it sounds like it's not salvageable, sorry. You've tried to fix it and he isn't feeling it. I would lose my feelings for a guy who lied to me about something as ridiculous as his age too. You absolutely are nowhere near getting engaged, if this somehow works out then you need to put plans for a wedding on the back burner for a good couple of years while you work out if you're compatible or if you're gonna have all of this drama incessantly, it's only been a year, started out casual and you haven't even said I love you yet. Why you're thinking about a marriage is beyond me.

[Brighid22]

Honestly your lie was pretty trivial. His reaction was over the top. It looks like he is using it as an excuse to put distance in the relationship. If you two can't even profess love to each other then I suggest distance is a good idea. I see a lot of people here blaming you for this problem but your lie was not the reason for this breakdown. Your boyfriend took the opportunity to get space. So give him space and stop apologizing. It makes you look weak and at fault; not inspiring traits. Give him the space and get some time for you to sort through why this relationship was always a little off kilter.