Lionhearted Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Please help. I know this is long, but please stay with me. I've been married for about 15 months. I'm 29 and my husband is 31. I can remember a time when I was sure that my now-husband was my soulmate and best friend, but now I feel so lost and unsure. Before my husband and I met, I had a "friend with benefits" that I dearly wanted a relationship with, but he was not interested. He had even denied to mutual friends that he and I were ever more than friends, so I knew there was no future there and I moved on. I met my husband and very quickly fell in love with him; we were engaged just 3 months after meeting. While we were engaged, real life caught up to us and things got hard. He was laid off, and I've been supporting us financially for most of our relationship. He became very comfortable not working. I make decent money, enough to (just barely) support the two of us, so this slowly and insidiously became our new norm. It never bothered me until we had been married for about 3 months. I felt myself slowly begin to resent him for allowing me to work 48+ hours a week while he did next to nothing, all day, every day. He even stopped helping around the house. Trying to get him to wash a few dishes, pick up groceries, or help with dinner was like pulling teeth. I worked overtime every week, night shift, and still was expected to keep him clothed, fed, and the house clean. We stopped having sex; his choice, not mine. He never "felt like it" anymore. I tried so hard to be romantic with him so many times to no avail. Our relationship very quickly transformed into a mother-son dynamic. I did express these concerns to him, and begged him to find a job. I don't feel he ever took me seriously. A few months into marriage, I was put on an antidepressant. I began to feel better about my marriage and our dynamic. Maybe not better, but numb. I also began to notice I didn't have a lot of self control over impulses. I became more outgoing and became really, really good at faking happiness. Well.. My "friend with benefits" I had before marriage contacted me one night, and I met up with him. I've now been having an affair with him for over 10 months. Please no judgement, as I NEVER in a million years would have thought I'd be capable of such actions. Typing it out, I can't even believe this is me, and this has really been happening. It felt like an escape from reality; in the hours i spent with this other man, the stresses of real life felt like they didn't exist. He made me feel beautiful, loved, and respected; I hadn't felt that from my husband in months. The other man is gainfully employed, and I have to admit, I know it's just a fantasy, but I feel I am in love with him. I truly feel this antidepressant has "helped" me be capable of these actions, as I've been able to just never really sit down and think about the consequences this could have on my husband. I just don't think about it, so it's not an issue. I feel like an absolute crazy person, and cannot believe I've let myself become this person. But I just don't often think about these unsettling thoughts, so the days go by and I keep doing this. So here's the worst part: I'm 6 weeks pregnant. It is the other man's. Neither of them know yet. I've been weaning off my medication, and suddenly reality is hitting. No one in my life knows of the horrible, tangled web I've weaved. I feel so alone, and utterly hopeless. I cannot stop crying. I just don't know what to do. Do I tell my husband everything, and surely get divorced? I can't imagine telling him. It's so horrifying, I don't think I can do it. Do I tell the other man, and see how he feels about it, and use his reaction to determine my ultimate decision? Do I terminate it and cut off ties with this man to focus on my marriage? I've already become this person I don't even recognize, cheating on her husband, so considering termination is just another horrible thing on my list of the person I've become. I just have never felt so alone. I hate myself for all of this, and I see no way out that could preserve my happiness. I wish I could just leave, without a trace. Leave my whole life, raise this baby, and start fresh. I wish the other man would leave with me, and we could start a family out of this fractured situation. But I know, logically, that it's not that easy. I'm not sure how my marriage turned into the mess that it is now, but I do care about my husband. The pain of him finding this out is unbearable to me. Please, I know I probably sound like an awful, horrendous person and a hypocrite. But I still need help. Please, any advice would be appreciated. Has anyone else out there been through something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Terminate unless you want to be a single parent. Divorce and move on alone. Your sex buddy doesn't want you. He is really gonna resent you for keeping his kid and him having to pay for 18 years even though it's his fault too. Your husband doesn't want you and you don't want him. Why no protection? Did you think if you got pregnant he would want you? It will have the opposite affect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 You need to get out of your marriage unless your husband gets off his ass & works: in the marriage, around the house & for real earning money. However, when your husband finds out about the affair he will most likely end your marriage any way. Be careful that he doesn't sue you for support. Forget the other guy. Assume your only option is single parenthood & decide if you want that. If you don't do consider adoption because there are tons of stable happily married couples out there, DH & me included, who would be thrilled to be able to adopt a healthy infant. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well forget the right or wrong of the affair . You couldn't use protection ????? This is really not complicated . You only have two choices (1) terminate the pregnancy and HOPE you can live with the guilt on a couple of issues on that one (2) have the baby . Now , assuming your husband is just lazy and not dumb, he is probably aware that your sex life is not exactly prospering . So assume you are going to be asked it is his. The absolute worst thing you can do is lie on they one. So in this case my guess is he will either divorce you or tell you to terminate the pregnancy in order to stay married. Since finding a job has not been a high priority , I don't think he will be rushing out to find one to help support a wife who is cheating on him and a child who is not his. I don't see how you get outbid this one without him finding out . You know you should have divorced first .' It's called consequences for your actions and you will come out better by not waiting to face the music Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 you have 2 options, really. 1. terminate the pregnancy & keep quiet about the A. 2. keep the baby - you're not having sex with your H, so he'll know about the A. like another poster said - he might sue you for support, so be careful with that. do you want to keep the baby? think about the child 1st. what do you want to so about it? can you imagine raising the baby alone, are you ready to be a single parent? are you ready for that scenario? do you have any close friends and family you could talk to? how did this OM make you feel loved & wanted - what is your relationship with him like now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 First of all... antidepressants don't cause affairs. Second, as everyone says... there is no excuse for having an affair. However, your husband seems to be doing a really good job of trying to prove that wrong. I think you can (and should) count your affair partner out with regard to being any kind of a future partner (and possibly father as well). So if I were in your shoes (and actually I was, although I am single so the situations are a bit different), then I would count on doing this on your own. I know it may feel like it but your life isn't over - far from it. Obviously you will have to tell your husband since he's going to eventually notice your ever-increasing girth and connect the dots that it is unlikely to be his. Better to approach that head-on. He will probably walk, but frankly I would not consider that much of a loss from what you say. Unfortunately (depending on where you live), from a legal perspective you are likely to be in a position that as part of a divorce, you will have to pay him alimony since you have been supporting him. The good news is that you have been married a very short time so any such alimony/spousal support should reflect that. Don't let it drag out for that reason. You now are faced with raising a child on your own (if that's what you choose). It's not the end of the world. It is time to stop crying, pull it together, and make a plan. I am sure you have thought endlessly about what things you could have done differently during all of this, so I won't go there. But sometimes the best you can do is consider it an incredibly painful learning experience and use it to make yourself a better person. Good luck to you - 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Like many people who affairs, you've painted yourself into a corner. The result will probably be you divorced and living alone, with or without the baby. I'm not going to judge you, but you did bring yourself to this place. It's time for some honesty. Tell both men the truth and hope for the best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Wow. Well the father deserves to know. He's got legal rights and responsibilities for any of his kids that are born. It would be nice to tell him, don't you think? He might be in love with you and want to marry you, you never know. Or he might want to be a father, you never know. Or he might want nothing to do with you and the kid--that would be nice to know so you can get on with your life without him. Knowledge is power here, for you and him both. Anyway, tell them both. First, decide what you're going to do with any of their responses. If he does this you're going to do that. And decide what you're going to do no matter what they respond. Also I would consult a lawyer or research online about alimony. You're on the hook for it the longer you're married to someone who isn't working or is making less than you. If your husband decides to stay with you he may later leave--and take his alimony with him--as just desserts. He could try to clean you out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 And I thought I had a bad weekend.... It's like reading the script for 'Blue Valentine'. Let's hope it doesn't end in the way that film does. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 you must divorce the mooching husband he knows he has you as servant how do you think he describes you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 He had even denied to mutual friends that he and I were ever more than friends, so I knew there was no future there and I moved on. I wish the other man would leave with me, and we could start a family out of this fractured situation. But I know, logically, that it's not that easy. I'm confused how you'd think you'd go from Point A to Point B above ??? Your marriage and pregnancy are two separate issues. No support, no intimacy and no sex = no relationship. Engaged after 3 months, you rushed into a wedding with someone you didn't really know. Why you went through with it since your H's issues were already making themselves known is a mystery but doesn't seem much to save there. You might consider ending it. The father of your baby obviously has to know NOW and deserves input. Your decisions regarding pregnancy, which are time-sensitive, might have more clarity once you speak with him. Keep posting, let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lionhearted Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you, everyone, for your responses and advice. Some of that was hard to read, but I needed it. It's definitely time to stop running from my problems and face the music. To answer a few of the questions, The pregnancy was not intentional, to try to make the OM want me. I know from the picture I've painted, it doesn't seem like it, but I do know better than to try that. We never used condoms because I am on birth control. Not a wise answer, I know, but I figured that i had been using this method of birth control for roughly 10 years, so I assumed it would keep working. I don't know why it failed, other than the 1% chance of pregnancy while on birth control caught up to me. I am well aware that this was irresponsible, naive, and flat out dumb, but my thinking was that I was safe using the birth control alone. No method of protection is 100%, other than abstinence, so I do assume full responsibility for this, but wanted to explain my reasoning behind it. As far as having this baby, I definitely do not want to terminate. The thought alone sickens me. It's not this baby's fault that I am in this mess. I don't feel I could ever live with myself if I ended the pregnancy. I want to love and appreciate this baby. I already feel like I love him/her, and I do want the absolute best for him/her; I just don't know what that is. And another thing; trust me, I know that neither antidepressants nor lazy husbands cause affairs. The affair has happened because I chose to make it happen. I guess I just wanted to provide some background information, because I'm so shocked and appalled that I've become this person. The antidepressant has enhanced my ability to stay in denial about my part in all of this. And the issues with my marriage contributed to me justifying my actions while I was in the act of being deceitful. I have a lot of issues with my marriage that should have been addressed before we even wed. I feel like he takes advantage of me, belittles me and all I do for us, and expects me to basically live to serve him. He's been very controlling and verbally abusive since we were engaged. And yes, I know it was dumb to stay and marry someone who treated me this way, but I cannot change that now. These problems should have been tackled long ago, rather than putting my energy into an affair, but I can't go back and change that now. Please just understand that I'm well aware of what a crummy scumbag I've been, and believe me; if I could go back and change some of these things, I would. But I can't now. Thank you to those of you who brought up alimony; I hadn't even thought about that at all. Not a reason to stay in a loveless marriage, but a reason to proceed as smartly as I can. I'm planning on some blatant honesty, including finally being honest with myself. I need to tell the OM, because he does have a right to know that this is his. I'm not sure how he'll react, but I guess I'll find out soon enough. I need to sit down with my husband and have a full blown, honest confession session. I already know that he'll leave. It hurts me to realize the pain I'll cause him, but with the dynamic of our relationship, it may have been doomed from the get go. I'm sure the OM will be out as well, as he's made it pretty clear in the past that he doesn't want a relationship of any sort. As of lately, we only talk when we hook up. It's not like he is in love with me. I have felt like I may be in love with him, but I think I'm just in love with the idea of him. When I'm with him, I don't have to think about cleaning the house, paying bills, worrying about my debts.. It's just us, being intimate, laughing, hanging out with no responsibilities; and then I snap out of it and come back to the real world. I'm not in love with him, I'm in love with the escape from my reality that he provided. I used to fantasize that he would show more interest in me as a person, or confess that he was in love with me, but let's be honest; if he loved me, he would have pursued more with me years ago. He uses me. And in some ways, I just use him. It's toxic. I've created toxicity all around me. Honestly, I fantasize the most now of raising this baby on my own as a single mom. I wish I could just run away from everyone and everything I've created here. Please, any more words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lionhearted Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 And to Mr. Lucky, who just posted... Thinking I would go from A to B is delusional. I guess I wish it could happen that way since it's been such a long time since he originally said he wanted nothing more. He's kind of strung me along for 2 years. I guess I kept thinking that maybe one day he would come around and want to be with me, but I'm rapidly realizing that thought was childish and delusional. Seeing my quotes right next to each other like that actually sheds some clarity on our relationship. He's been using me for sex for a long time and I think it's time to sit down with him and tell him what's happened here. I think that may be my first move. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Lion hearted I think of all the new posters in the last few months you are the most likely to succeed and be happy. You know what you did is wrong and you are actually factually trying to navigate to the right end. You are being realistic and seems once you set the truth free you will be a happy single mom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Well you can certainly raise a great kid. Learn online or take classes on parenting. Keep saving or start saving money. Keep taking care of your health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) LionHearted, you seem to be very self-aware. I think you will do fine. In fact, I think you may end up happier than you ever have been. Sorry you are going through this. I too married my husband after only knowing him a few months. Everyone (including his own relatives) told me I would be sorry and told me what he was like, but I was young and stupid. I stayed married to an abusive man for over 15 years. Stupid!!! Be glad that you are aware enough to get out now. You sound mature and caring of your developing child. If it helps, I know what it's like to go through that, when the OM wants nothing to do with it (assuming that's your situation too). In my case, my daughter died due to premature birth at about 23 weeks. She lived for 20 minutes. I think about her every day and miss her all the time, and would give anything to have had the chance to spend more time with her. Please cherish your little one - I have a feeling from how you post, that you will really do great. Edited April 13, 2015 by Hope Shimmers 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 It's not going to be easy sorting through all of this but you will get through it. I would encourage you to give some thoughtful consideration to coming up with a plan of action. Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk to about this? Would you consider going to see a counselor or therapist as you're trying to navigate this situation? Would adoption be an option that you'd consider? I'm wishing you the best, hang in there. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 This is a case where the pragmatic and legally issues are so immediate that the moral and ethical and relationship dynamic considerations are going to need to wait for awhile while all the medical, legal and financial considerations get worked out. The pragmatic, nuts and bolt considerations are - - see a doctor to get started on prenatal care and to become informed if the antidepressives you are on pose any birth defect risks. - consult a lawyer to see where you stand financially and legally in regards to support and care of the child and other paternity issues. I advise holding off on disclosure to either man until you have consulted an attorney and no what your rights and responsibilities are legally and financially first. This will be a very tricky legal/financial issue depending on what each man's reaction is. You need to start circling your legal wagons now and you need to become informed of your rights and your responsibilities ASAP. You and your lawyer need to have contingency plans for any possible combination of possible outcomes such as what to do if both men refuse to support the child/what if both men want custody/what if your husband does but OM doesn't etc etc etc etc. you need to have a plan in place for any possible contingency. Get the prenatal care of the baby started, then consult an attorney to start working your way through the legal/financial minefield. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 You and your lawyer need to have contingency plans for any possible combination of possible outcomes such as what to do if both men refuse to support the child/what if both men want custody/what if your husband does but OM doesn't etc etc etc etc. you need to have a plan in place for any possible contingency. Get the prenatal care of the baby started, then consult an attorney to start working your way through the legal/financial minefield. I'd add DNA testing at some point to your list. For their own reasons, neither man will probably take you at your word regarding timing or exclusivity... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I'd add DNA testing at some point to your list. For their own reasons, neither man will probably take you at your word regarding timing or exclusivity... Mr. Lucky Yup. If either guy has an ounce of brains, they'll demand a DNA test. You need to have plans in place for any eventuality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 First of all... antidepressants don't cause affairs. - I don't think that's entirely true. I have no way of knowing whether it caused the OP to have an affair, but it is now well known that some antidepressants for example Prozac can trigger manic or hypo manic behavior. That can certainly lead to inappropriate sexual behavior up to and including an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Lion, for the short term, this will be hard. Damn hard. But, the life you are experiencing with your husband will continue to spiral until someone takes a stand - and given your condition this must be you. There will undoubtedly be a divorce as a result. You mentioned that you do not want to terminate the pregnancy. Please know that AP may be legally responsible for financial assistance (depending on where you live), but that's probably the only thing you will get from him. So, he will no longer be a factor. Long term, you will be given the gift of being a parent - with or without either of these men. You just need to get through the hard stuff first. Honesty WILL be the best policy here. It will all be ok... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Please know that AP may be legally responsible for financial assistance (depending on where you live) The OP, according to her profile, lives in the US. Why does the father's responsibility depend on which state he lives in? I thought the support requirement was the same coast-to-coast... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Brighid22 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 The affair happened because your relationship was not working out at all. You still had feelings and desire for your FWB so it was natural to find what was missing in your life with the other man. You have choices but need to act fast or your inaction will make the choice for you. In many places any child born of a married couple belongs to that couple even if there is a paternity issue. If you have a very good and trustworthy friend, I would ask to stay with them for a week. Tell your hubby you can not live as you have been living and you both need some time to think how to go on. While you are staying with your friend you can choose to terminate the pregnancy and never tell your husband. You can also choose to keep it if you feel strong enough to be a single parent. If you choose to terminate, go back on antidepressants immediately because going cold turkey with those can lead to terrible emotional swings which will not help you reason this mess out. If you choose to keep it, then contact a doctor about dosage and types of meds that will be appropriate for your condition. Above all remember your value. You are an independent, breadwinner. You run a household and work. You have great value. Don't forget it when you return to talk to your husband. You are worthy of having a loving partner that contributes to your well being. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I just wanted to add - in my experience, most judges do not grant alimony to someone who is more than capable of working themselves. Now a days you need a really good reason to receive alimony; be it children, illness etc. If you are just a lazy husband, you most likely won't get a cent. Hope you're doing well OP, and that you've figured things out. Link to post Share on other sites
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