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Contact from wife's former something-or-other - what to make of it?


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My wife and I have a big-deal anniversary coming up and in the course of one of our conversations about it we remembered that shortly before an earlier big-deal anniversary, my wife received a letter from someone with whom she was briefly involved a long, long time ago. The letter was sent to her office, and not to our house, the address of which is readily available. The writer mentioned his current SO (wife, perhaps) and wrote a few other innocuous things before veering off into slightly more salacious reminiscences and then concluding with a suggestion that perhaps he could drop by for a visit sometime. Just to catch up.

 

My wife brought the letter home, handed it to me, and asked "What should I do with this?" The expression on her face was the sort of expression I would expect if she had stepped in something on the sidewalk.

 

At the time, my wife believed the contact was innocent although unwelcome. My opinion was that guys never do this sort of thing unless it's a first step toward something more serious. When the subject came up again recently, she said that she now believes that yeah, he was definitely hitting on her, but even though we now agree neither of us knows for sure. There are plenty of instances of this sort of thing where the result is an EA but what I'm interested in is, has anyone ever run into one of these contacts and found it to be entirely innocent?

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Ummm, do not let your wife see this creep, period. The fact that she at one time believed the contact was innocent speaks VOLUMES about her though, and that would honestly trouble me a lot more.

 

So yeah, that is...for me, the bigger problem here. That she could read a letter like that, which ends with the creep asking if he can drop by for a visit, and think it was innocent? Red flags man! Is she a grown woman or a naive 14 yr. old girl with zero experience with men?

 

So I'm sure some will say it is a good sign that she didn't keep this letter from you. Which is true, but it's a BAD BAD sign she ever at one time believed it to be innocent. Men do not write letters to women they used to sleep with asking if they can drop by for a visit..if they do not have anything shady planned. Have a long long talk with your wife about boundaries.

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If she had just joined social media and he sent her a note that said Hi, How have you been? It's great to see you I'd say think nothing of it. Here, he went to a lot of trouble & it smells fishy. Since your wife doesn't appear interested & showed you the letter, I'd celebrate the fact that you have a strong marriage & not give this chap another thought.

 

Happy Anniversary!

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Boundaries are not really an issue in this situation.

 

The letter was carefully written so that you couldn't prove bad intent. Her memory of the guy is that he was more dweeb than predator and she thought it unlikely that he was any different now, so at first she found it hard to believe that he was making a move. My take on it was, dweeb or not, he's a guy, and this is how guys operate.

 

My question is just, does anyone have a specific instance of this sort of contact whether they were able to find out the real intent and that it turned out to be innocent?

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No I have no such experience because nobody from my past ever wrote me a letter like that.

 

It seems pretty calculated if it was just innocent. Social media would have been easier & more transparent so it leads me to believe he had motives but I also wonder if your wife was the only former classmate who got such a letter. This guy may have been casting a wide net to see who would take the bait.

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Lurkeraspect
Ummm, do not let your wife see this creep, period. The fact that she at one time believed the contact was innocent speaks VOLUMES about her though, and that would honestly trouble me a lot more.

 

So yeah, that is...for me, the bigger problem here. That she could read a letter like that, which ends with the creep asking if he can drop by for a visit, and think it was innocent? Red flags man! Is she a grown woman or a naive 14 yr. old girl with zero experience with men?

 

So I'm sure some will say it is a good sign that she didn't keep this letter from you. Which is true, but it's a BAD BAD sign she ever at one time believed it to be innocent. Men do not write letters to women they used to sleep with asking if they can drop by for a visit..if they do not have anything shady planned. Have a long long talk with your wife about boundaries.

 

 

These sort of neanthrahl responses always make me shake my head.

 

This is the 21st century, women can make their own choices about their lives. No man, tells her what she can and cannot do.

 

Personally, this all looks benign and transparant. Nothing was hidden, and it's certainly not the OPs wife who decides who sends correspondence to her. Please don't make this into an issue. It's not.

 

OP, this is s NON ISSUE.

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Friskyone4u

There is no reason for this communication sent that can be anything good for your marriage . The important thing is that you do not fall asleep at the switch and be fooled by her apparent disinterest .

She showed you the original letter but I would make sure her curiosity has not gotten the better of her and that she has not responded without telling you , all the while you thinking it died .

He has no business contacting your wife and asking her to meet up.

This is exactly how EA can start and if he is mobile enough to travel to your area Inwould be concerned. And I would be really suspicious of all of a sudden she wanted to visit an old girlfriend or go away for a week end .

You can totally disregard this but I would pay attention if I were you and put my antennae up

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My wife has received several contacts from former lovers over the course of of our marriage. Each one was different intent.

 

One ex sent a card , using her maiden name, but sent to our home. He is single and I think had just broke up with someone he was with. I dont know how he could have found her new address at my home and not have known she was married, but maybe he did know she was married maybe he did not - the card was definitely a fishing expedition. My wife also showed me the card right away...which was key to me feeling okay about it. There was never any followup or additional contact. No issues on my part.

 

A long ago ex (like high school), now long time married, sent a private message via facebook, that he was going to be in town with his wife, and suggested we (all of us - spouses) meet for lunch. He was very clear on the spouses part if they were to meet. Standup guy from what I am told. No issues or bad intent here.

 

Another ex - well lets say bad intent to the max.

 

 

I would not worry with your story or post.

Edited by dichotomy
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dichotomy - I had been thinking of these sorts of contacts as falling into two categories - OK and Not OK. Your breakdown gives a better way of looking at it -

 

  1. Clearly OK (your second example)
  2. Fishing Expeditions (your first example)
  3. Bad Intent (the third one)

My wife's was a fishing expedition by all indications. The mention of his current SO was a distraction to suggest it was Category 1, but the rest of it made it clear that he was trying to stir up old memories without issuing an explicit invitation. I'd say my original question - how to resolve the ambiguity? - applies to Category 2. It sounds like most, including us, go ahead and handle this as Category 3 - better safe than sorry - without following up. However it would be surprising if none of these never turned into affairs - kind of like email spam, which wouldn't exist if nobody bit.

 

"Bad Intent" to me would be contacts that contain explicit invitations for private communications or physical contact ("text me on my burner phone, it's safe, be sure to get one too" or "I'll be in town for a conference all week, wife staying home, let's get together"). Is that basically what your "bad intent" contact involved, or did you determine that it was bad intent in some other way?

Edited by Morro72
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dichotomy - I had been thinking of these sorts of contacts as falling into two categories - OK and Not OK. Your breakdown gives a better way of looking at it -

 

  1. Clearly OK (your second example)
  2. Fishing Expeditions (your first example)
  3. Bad Intent (the third one)

My wife's was a fishing expedition by all indications. The mention of his current SO was a distraction to suggest it was Category 1, but the rest of it made it clear that he was trying to stir up old memories without issuing an explicit invitation. I'd say my original question - how to resolve the ambiguity? - applies to Category 2. It sounds like most, including us, go ahead and handle this as Category 3 - better safe than sorry - without following up. However it would be surprising if none of these never turned into affairs - kind of like email spam, which wouldn't exist if nobody bit.

 

"Bad Intent" to me would be contacts that contain explicit invitations for private communications or physical contact ("text me on my burner phone, it's safe, be sure to get one too" or "I'll be in town for a conference all week, wife staying home, let's get together"). Is that basically what your "bad intent" contact involved, or did you determine that it was bad intent in some other way?

 

Bad intent - without a long story it was a MM and former lover who wanted to resume their sexual relationship. They were in contact and had a relationship on going without my knowledge (a form of cheating). His offers were very clear - lets have great sex again. He even used a GF of hers to pass on the offers. Fortunately this OM/MM lived far away and I put a stop to it after dDay. It was not just bad intent on OM side, my wife had bad intent of her own.

 

Her other old boyfriend who was fishing with the greeting card sounds more like your situation. We talked about her writing him back and saying she was happily married, but decided to try just ignoring his outreach and if he tried again - she would respond. He never did - he was not a predator... just fishing . My wife was also very open about it all. But this old BF/lover was NOT married as in your wife's case. Thats not good.

Edited by dichotomy
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Her other old boyfriend who was fishing with the greeting card sounds more like your situation. We talked about her writing him back and saying she was happily married, but decided to try just ignoring his outreach and if he tried again - she would respond. He never did - he was not a predator... just fishing . My wife was also very open about it all. But this old BF/lover was NOT married as in your wife's case. Thats not good.

 

In our situation, my wife had long ago (before we were engaged) told the guy to get lost permanently. She didn't want to respond to the more recent contact but was sufficiently upset by it that I didn't want a repeat, so I sent a discreetly-worded note to his house (not to his office). If his wife/SO saw it, and if he was in fact on a fishing expedition (in which case he wouldn't have said anything to her about his original letter), I'm sure they had an interesting discussion at that point. (I didn't say anything about us being happily married. I decided it was redundant - the fact that my wife gave me his letter should have told him everything he needed to know.)

 

Yes, the fact that he is now married (or whatever) makes a huge difference. Our tentative conclusion, after our recent discussion, was that he was less than completely happy with his situation and wanted to see if perhaps the same was true for my wife.

 

But still, it's just an educated guess that he was fishing. And we can't even ask the guy, because first, my wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and second, if he was fishing, he would lie.

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autumnnight
Ummm, do not let your wife see this creep, period. The fact that she at one time believed the contact was innocent speaks VOLUMES about her though, and that would honestly trouble me a lot more.

 

So yeah, that is...for me, the bigger problem here. That she could read a letter like that, which ends with the creep asking if he can drop by for a visit, and think it was innocent? Red flags man! Is she a grown woman or a naive 14 yr. old girl with zero experience with men?

 

So I'm sure some will say it is a good sign that she didn't keep this letter from you. Which is true, but it's a BAD BAD sign she ever at one time believed it to be innocent. Men do not write letters to women they used to sleep with asking if they can drop by for a visit..if they do not have anything shady planned. Have a long long talk with your wife about boundaries.

 

 

Good Lord Almighty. This happened several anniversaries ago, his wife had a disgusted face, and was obviously NOT interested.

 

OP, please don't go off on some paranoid tangent or lecture years later based on projection.

 

Your wife is likely a wonderful woman, so don't sully it up with a stranger's bitterness colored glasses.

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autumnnight
There is no reason for this communication sent that can be anything good for your marriage . The important thing is that you do not fall asleep at the switch and be fooled by her apparent disinterest .

She showed you the original letter but I would make sure her curiosity has not gotten the better of her and that she has not responded without telling you , all the while you thinking it died .

He has no business contacting your wife and asking her to meet up.

This is exactly how EA can start and if he is mobile enough to travel to your area Inwould be concerned. And I would be really suspicious of all of a sudden she wanted to visit an old girlfriend or go away for a week end .

You can totally disregard this but I would pay attention if I were you and put my antennae up

 

Again, don't [project and start sleuthing based on what some other weirdo man did. Contrary to LS belief, not every married woman is a whore waiting to happen :rolleyes:

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OP, please don't go off on some paranoid tangent or lecture years later based on projection.

 

No risk of that. As noted, she dealt with the guy before we were engaged, we gave him a refresher course a few years ago, nothing to report since then.

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dichotomy - I had been thinking of these sorts of contacts as falling into two categories - OK and Not OK. Your breakdown gives a better way of looking at it -

 

  1. Clearly OK (your second example)
  2. Fishing Expeditions (your first example)
  3. Bad Intent (the third one)

 

ITA with the above dichotomy...my bf's ex-w contacts him out of the blue every so often and it's mostly a fishing expedition. When she's single it's bad intent. I don't see any of her contact being clearly ok because (I believe) honestly there is no reason for an ex lover to be asking to meet for lunch solo, hang out, etc.

 

 

No risk of that. As noted, she dealt with the guy before we were engaged, we gave him a refresher course a few years ago, nothing to report since then.

 

I have had an ex-lover fish, however I shut it down and have had to lose a friendship (recently) over the constant requests for meet-ups and hints about sexual favors. I told him the way he was talking to me made me not want to be friends. No skin off my back, I don't need that in my life when I have someone whom i'd never dream of ever cheating on.

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These sort of neanthrahl responses always make me shake my head.

 

This is the 21st century, women can make their own choices about their lives. No man, tells her what she can and cannot do.

 

Personally, this all looks benign and transparant. Nothing was hidden, and it's certainly not the OPs wife who decides who sends correspondence to her. Please don't make this into an issue. It's not.

 

OP, this is s NON ISSUE.

 

This woman is married. She's part of a team of two. Decisions like this, like being in a marriage, take two people in agreement.

 

If she doesn't like sharing her decisions with her husband, then she can divorce him and stay single.

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autumnnight
This woman is married. She's part of a team of two. Decisions like this, like being in a marriage, take two people in agreement.

 

If she doesn't like sharing her decisions with her husband, then she can divorce him and stay single.

 

Of course, she DID share.

 

Come on guys. This wife is not your wife. She's not cheating. She's not thibkibg of cheating. There's no smoke or fire here.

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understand50

She showed her H, and they talked it over. She did what all H's would like their Wife to do. They were able to work as a team. Sounds like a good marriage with communication and nothing hidden. It also show why, each side of a marriage should always give a broad idea about former lovers and past history, or at least let the other know when a ex lover tries, or does get in touch.

 

She did it just right - GOOD for her.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Of course, she DID share.

 

Come on guys. This wife is not your wife. She's not cheating. She's not thibkibg of cheating. There's no smoke or fire here.

 

Lukarespect was making a broad generalization, which I countered with a broad generalization of my own.

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Lurkeraspect
This woman is married. She's part of a team of two. Decisions like this, like being in a marriage, take two people in agreement.

 

If she doesn't like sharing her decisions with her husband, then she can divorce him and stay single.

 

But she DID share with her husband, WAS transparent. Not every situation is devious, not every wife is a cheater, and this is a good example of that. And my response was not to the OP and was specifically targeted at one posters statement that men/husbands can dictate what a woman/wife can and/or cannot do. That's all.

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I had an ex bf send a friend request on FB. I just ignored it. I don't think it was a fishing expedition, but I had nothing to say to him, he's so far in the past.

 

I didn't think it needed any discussion, but if I got a letter, showing more effort, then I would tell my H. I'd like to think he'd tell me as well.

 

OP - Your wife is honest and open. No worries there.

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But she DID share with her husband, WAS transparent. Not every situation is devious, not every wife is a cheater, and this is a good example of that. And my response was not to the OP and was specifically targeted at one posters statement that men/husbands can dictate what a woman/wife can and/or cannot do. That's all.

 

You intimated that a married woman can do whatever she wants to do, even defy her husbands feelings on the matter if she feels he is being unfair.

 

I agree every woman has the right to do this. But making a habit of telling a spouse to butt out of your life does not a happy marriage make. Better to divorce.

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A long ago ex (like high school), now long time married, sent a private message via facebook, that he was going to be in town with his wife, and suggested we (all of us - spouses) meet for lunch. He was very clear on the spouses part if they were to meet. Standup guy from what I am told. No issues or bad intent here.

 

Going back over the thread this one caught my eye again. My first reaction was that I haven't really seen any examples of this sort or heard any from our friends. My second reaction, after the caffeine kicked in, was that my wife and I had done just that. The short version of the story is that we were both in college with the guy. He was in one of my classes - a really dull graduation requirement thing - and we shared a similar, vaguely twisted sense of humor, which helped make the class tolerable. He met my wife through me and they became friends as well. The two of them were briefly involved at a time when she and I were just friends (my wife and I were "just friends" for a long time before we got engaged so there are lots of people in this category) so that was never an issue. I looked him up a few years ago and we wound up having dinner and reminiscing with him and his wife. A good time was had by all.

 

So now I know of two examples. Anybody got any others?

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Going back over the thread this one caught my eye again. My first reaction was that I haven't really seen any examples of this sort or heard any from our friends. My second reaction, after the caffeine kicked in, was that my wife and I had done just that. The short version of the story is that we were both in college with the guy. He was in one of my classes - a really dull graduation requirement thing - and we shared a similar, vaguely twisted sense of humor, which helped make the class tolerable. He met my wife through me and they became friends as well. The two of them were briefly involved at a time when she and I were just friends (my wife and I were "just friends" for a long time before we got engaged so there are lots of people in this category) so that was never an issue. I looked him up a few years ago and we wound up having dinner and reminiscing with him and his wife. A good time was had by all.

 

So now I know of two examples. Anybody got any others?

 

 

 

 

You fail to see that you looked up the OM.

 

 

That the OM had a wife and was not after yours.

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