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So sad - sexless marriage


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sosadaboutus

This hurts so bad. I just had another talk with my husband about his lack of interest in sex. I’m 42, he’s 48. We’ve been married for almost 3 years, together for 5 ½. We had spoken about this subject 3-4 months ago and he said he would work on it. This has resulted in sex twice since then, once the weekend after the discussion and once about a month ago. This has turned into the average for us, once every 2 to 3 months, for the past 2 years. He doesn’t believe it and thinks I’m exaggerating, so I showed him my tracking notes to prove it to him. He said during this latest discussion that he thought it was getting better. The last two weekends I’ve worn lingerie to bed, made it pretty clear I was interested, but nothing happened.

 

He gets very defensive when I tell him how I feel and he says that he doesn’t mean to make me feel unattractive or humiliated, so I shouldn’t feel that way. He says I’m pressuring him for sex. He says he’s sexually attracted to me. He also said he felt he already got all the sex out of his system (before we married, apparently). He says he’ll go to therapy with me, but made it pretty clear with his tone of voice that he’s not happy about it. Everything about his responses says to me “stop bothering me about this”.

 

I’m at my wits end and completely devastated. I did not sign up for a sexless marriage. I was married previously, to a man who abused porn to the point of sexlessness, but I’m fairly certain that my current husband is not cheating or using porn. He’s just not sexual (that I can tell), but says that he is, “just not all the time”. I feel like I’m doomed to be rejected this way by my husband, no matter what I do or who I’m married to. :(

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sosadaboutus

I very nearly did ask him this during our discussion, probably should have, it's a perfectly reasonable question. But, at the same time, he would just see it as "more pressure" or worse, as emotional blackmail. I know how he feels about open marriages. He fails to see the unfairness of the situation, where I go without for months, until the planets align for him, or whatever actually triggers his desire. I've really tried to find out what is causing his issue, so that I might be able to help with a solution, or at least be able to be more compassionate about what it might be, but he just tells me it's "normal" for men his age to have low libido. I told him, I didn't think every 2-3 months was normal at all!

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I'm 51 years old. If you were with me, you'd be complaining how much I was wanting to do it so I don't think it's age.

 

I also want to reply to your mention of wearing lingerie to bed. Most men really suck at picking up on women's subtle hints and cues. It's taken me almost 20 years to catch on that if my wife puts her toes up against my leg in bed that that is her "game on!" Sign. Up untill then I just thought she was trying to warm up her feet.

 

Signs and hints that other women would think are over the top slutty and brazen, often go completely unnoticed by many men. Stop trying to be subtle and just giving hints, be more proactive and just start doing it. I suggest you just climb on him and start making out and the work your way down and start sucking his d!ck.

 

If he pushes you away after that, then you have some deeper issues that need to be addressed.

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autumnnight
I very nearly did ask him this during our discussion, probably should have, it's a perfectly reasonable question. But, at the same time, he would just see it as "more pressure" or worse, as emotional blackmail. I know how he feels about open marriages. He fails to see the unfairness of the situation, where I go without for months, until the planets align for him, or whatever actually triggers his desire. I've really tried to find out what is causing his issue, so that I might be able to help with a solution, or at least be able to be more compassionate about what it might be, but he just tells me it's "normal" for men his age to have low libido. I told him, I didn't think every 2-3 months was normal at all!

 

I could have written this for years in my own marriage. I agree with oldshirt. Make this crystal clear. Sexual intimacy is very important in marriage, and he needs to step up to the plate.

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Consider a divorce.

 

Because any reason for him to turn it around, has to come from him.

Was he always like this before marriage?

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm so sorry OP. Believe me when I tell you...I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH!

 

I've been here and stayed with my ex husband for a total of 20 years (4 dating / 16 married)!!!

 

I got the same rejection and response that you're getting. Eventually we stopped having sex altogether which lasted for more than 6 years (I literally stopped counting after 6) :(

 

I've written about my experience in numerous threads relating to sexless marriages on here so feel free to peruse if you want more details.

 

Unfortunately I don't have any good news to share with you.

 

The fact that he tells you that he loves you and is attracted to you and is in denial about how infrequent you're actually having sex is classic. Then to begrudgingly agree to therapy is even more classic.

 

For men, this solution should be an EASY one! They created these amazing blue pills called Viagra (or similar brands)...ever heard of them? These babies all but remove the big pink elephant in the room and have helped millions of men in the process. Have you asked him about taking such drugs? Do you think he'd consider it?

 

My ex didn't think he needed them and didn't want to entertain the idea which left us at a complete deadlock. How can someone you're supposed to love and cherish and be attracted to NOT want to find a way to make it work ESPECIALLY if there is a way to make it work?! Right???

 

I am continually AMAZED at how many couples are in these kinds of marriages and relationships where one partner chooses for the both of them how things will be sexually. Typically it's the men who complain they're not getting enough sex but there is an emerging sector of women who find themselves in this position more and more.

 

Again, I don't have answers. All I can tell you is that I loved my husband. I know he loved me deeply as well. We had a family and we wanted to stay married but after countless years of going without it became impossible for that kind of hurt and rejection not to manifest into anger and resentment. And when that happens, it poisons every other aspect of one's life and marriage. It becomes toxic.

 

After 20 years I found the courage and asked for a separation. And I've never regretted it.

 

The only way this kind of relationship works is one of two ways; (1) if he actively participates in finding and implementing ways to improve your sex life and in turn your relationship OR (2) you have to make peace with your situation as is. Period. Continually pressuring him will get you absolutely no where and will only make things worse.

 

I'm sorry my friend. Hugs to you.

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He also said he felt he already got all the sex out of his system
So something changed in him and he's no longer interested in sex? It's possible that this is a medical problem that can be easily solved. See if he's willing to go to the doctor and get checked out. If he's suffering from low testosterone, the decreased interest in sex will feel perfectly normal to him. I don't know about ED, but it may feel similar.

 

Does he get off from porn, or does he not have an interest in that either? If it's not just you, but seems to be his sex drive as a whole, see if he's willing to see a doctor.

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Medical issues, depression and medication can also cause problems with libido.

 

What was he like sexually when you first met?

Why did his marriage/last relationships fail?

Has he been cheated on?

Could sex be a trigger for him over past hurts maybe?

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Sosa didn't say anything about ED or performance issues. Viagra and other ED meds are physiologic vasodialators which can increase blood flow to the penis. They do not increase desire, make anyone horny or make anyone want to have sex. They simply assist with getting an erection for men that already want to have sex, are already aroused and being stimulated.

They don't do a thing for a guy that isn't interested or isn't attracted or isn't aroused.

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GorillaTheater

I'd rule out low T as a possible culprit from the outset. It's remarkably common in us older guys. It hasn't grabbed me yet, but I keep an eye out for the signs. Here are some symptoms I quickly got from the web:

 

 

  • Sexual dysfunction (unable to maintain erections)
  • Reduced sex drive (reduced sexual activity)
  • Decreased energy
  • Loss of body hair, reduced shaving
  • Depressed mood
  • Increase in body fat
  • Decrease in bone strength
  • Reduced muscle mass

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sosadaboutus

Thanks for all your replies and perspectives on this!

 

Yeah, he's been to the doctor to have his testosterone checked, and it was normal.

 

He doesn't seem to have a problem with ED, just complete lack of desire. He doesn't watch porn, but for me that is a plus with a previous partner who was addicted to the stuff. Because of that, it really does nothing for me, that way, anyway.

 

Before we married, our sexlife was satisfying to me, it wasn't super-high by society's standards, but enough for me, about once or twice a week. Then it dwindled to 2 times a month, which was still ok for me, now's it's 6 times per year, which is far too little. What's worse is his not understanding how it makes me feel, and not attempting to figure out what's going on with him. I just supposed to be ok with no sex.

 

Just to clarify the lingerie incidents, without getting detailed, I made it very clear that I wanted sex. We had also made an agreement in our previous discussions that lingerie would be the signal to him that I wanted sex, since apparently he loses track of how long it's been.

 

He's never been cheated on, that I'm aware of. Most of his previous relationships failed as he ended them, for various reasons (he says he was picky). I'm not aware of any sexual abuse in his past, he says he was not. I know that people tend to not share that info, even with partners, but I tend to believe him, as he doesn't seem to be triggered by tv or movies that have those themes, like my ex-h would.

 

However I do think there is some sort of psychological block for him and sex. I'm just not sure what it is. Madonna/whore complex, possibly?

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If you have communicated with him several times about this, I think it's time to communicate to yourself that this relationship very well may be over.

 

Your needs aren't being met in one way or the other and I can guarantee this just isn't about the sex. Whether it's comfort level or anything else, if your needs aren't being met, that you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

 

I know some people say it is just sex, but it's MORE than sex, it's INTIMACY. And the lack of intimacy puts ANY relationship at the risk of dissolving.

 

At this point, it seems you have very little choice left.

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When I read stories like this I'm always reminded of how I was cheated on.

 

Like you I too took down notes to prove him how he was depriving me of my rights.

 

Before we married, our sexlife was satisfying to me, it wasn't super-high by society's standards, but enough for me, about once or twice a week. Then it dwindled to 2 times a month, which was still ok for me, now's it's 6 times per year, which is far too little. What's worse is his not understanding how it makes me feel, and not attempting to figure out what's going on with him. I just supposed to be ok with no sex.

 

You sound like me. But in my case sex never dropped to the level you told.

How can you be so sure that he is not getting it elsewhere?

Finally I made my husband confess of cheating on me with men, lying me into this marriage being bisexual. Just for your information, I never wish you the same.

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Michelle ma Belle

The bottom line is that if HE wants to make this marriage work he will have to make an effort including communicating clearly and honestly with you. This is where therapy comes into play since so many couples have such a hard time talking about this stuff for various reasons.

 

If not, you're doomed to live unhappily and unfulfilled I'm afraid.

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If not, you're doomed to live unhappily and unfulfilled I'm afraid.

And you shouldn't resign yourself to that under any circumstances. Someone who really loved you and prioritized your well-being wouldn't want you to live that way.

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Thanks for all your replies and perspectives on this!

 

Yeah, he's been to the doctor to have his testosterone checked, and it was normal.

 

He doesn't seem to have a problem with ED, just complete lack of desire. He doesn't watch porn, but for me that is a plus with a previous partner who was addicted to the stuff. Because of that, it really does nothing for me, that way, anyway.

 

Before we married, our sexlife was satisfying to me, it wasn't super-high by society's standards, but enough for me, about once or twice a week. Then it dwindled to 2 times a month, which was still ok for me, now's it's 6 times per year, which is far too little. What's worse is his not understanding how it makes me feel, and not attempting to figure out what's going on with him. I just supposed to be ok with no sex.

 

Just to clarify the lingerie incidents, without getting detailed, I made it very clear that I wanted sex. We had also made an agreement in our previous discussions that lingerie would be the signal to him that I wanted sex, since apparently he loses track of how long it's been.

 

He's never been cheated on, that I'm aware of. Most of his previous relationships failed as he ended them, for various reasons (he says he was picky). I'm not aware of any sexual abuse in his past, he says he was not. I know that people tend to not share that info, even with partners, but I tend to believe him, as he doesn't seem to be triggered by tv or movies that have those themes, like my ex-h would.

 

However I do think there is some sort of psychological block for him and sex. I'm just not sure what it is. Madonna/whore complex, possibly?

 

Since the Low T has been addressed and since actual ED doesn't seem to be an issue and since you don't mention any other underlying marital issues such as alcoholism/drugs, abuse, abandonment, severe fights etc etc, that leaves a few other things to consider.

 

I would suggest hacking into his computers and phone etc to confirm for yourself that he isn't spanking to porn regularly or that there isn't another woman (other man?)

 

You can't just ask him if he's spanking or if he's seeing someone else because he'll just say no and then cover his tracks better.

 

Do an honest effort of looking for yourself.

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...then if your investigation turns up no outside sexual activity, then you need to decide if this is something you are willing to live with or not.

 

 

If deep down you can live with this, then you just need to keep working and keep plugging along.

 

If on self-reflection you realize that this is not something you can live with, then it's ultimatum time.

 

Your options are -

 

- cut your losses and move on and leave him behind

 

- open marriage where you can get your needs met outside the marriage with his consent.

 

- cheat, where you get your needs met without his approval.

 

Those are your options.

 

His options are he can either step up to the plate and make an honest and ongoing effort to take care of you or he can pick one of the other options.

 

The key is that you have to be clear and resound that remaining in a roommate relationship is not an option.

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At this point, it shouldn't really matter if he is cheating or not.

 

Point blank: Her needs aren't being met. She needs to exit the relationship NOW.

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At this point, it shouldn't really matter if he is cheating or not.

 

Point blank: Her needs aren't being met. She needs to exit the relationship NOW.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to slam the door and walk away. We're talking about your marriage here. There's got to be a reason he's rejecting you.

 

OP, if it were me, I would take him up on that offer for therapy. I wouldn't give up on it until I got to the root of the issue. Good luck.

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Therapy only works for those receptive to it.

 

Sure, she can try it once. But from my vast experience of reading stories like this, the short-term gains still turn into long-term losses.

 

The damage this is doing to HER psyche and HER self-esteem is slowly eating away at her very self. And all the while, he sees that there is nothing wrong. Until he sees a problem, there will be no improvement.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he cancels on the therapy session either.

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Obviously, I am not a guy.

 

But I am a low-drive person.

 

And I can tell you how I feel from the other side.

 

I love my husband. I find him attractive. I just have no desire for sex. Love and romance do not = sexual desire for me.

 

Keeping a calendar feels like an insult. Bringing it up constantly does feel like pressure.

 

Imagine that someone brings you a nice hot cup of coffee. You like it and you drink it. They come back 20 minutes later with another cup. You drink it to be polite. They come back again, and at this point, it is just starting to be annoying. How can you refuse the coffee without hurting their feelings. Then they start getting mad because you aren't enthusiastic about the coffee anymore. And you start getting to the point where even coffee ads start making you sad and irritated, because it's not NORMAL to not want coffee all the time, so you feel INFERIOR and WORTHLESS.

 

I know sex isn't coffee. But it can feel like that. He doesn't want to disappoint you, but he doesn't want it. And he doesn't want YOU to feel like his lack of desire is about you. In his case, he is just avoiding it completely, because that allows him to avoid and ignore the hurt.

 

I am not saying he is right. He should be making more of an effort than he is making.

 

But you can't expect him to be like he was in the beginning either. A new relationship is always going to make someone hornier - it's all exciting and new. But a person always goes back to who they are.

 

You have a few choices here:

 

- Talk to him bluntly and tell him you need sex. If it isn't going to be with him, it will be with someone else.

- Accept him as he is, and masturbate a lot. Or cheat, but that comes with a whole different set of problems.

- Understand that he is never going to be who you wish he was, and move on.

- Insist on therapy and hope for the best. But if he has low drive, he is never going to magically become a high drive person.

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sosadaboutus

Thank you for your perspective on this, pteromom. I feel strongly that low drive people should say upfront that they aren't going to work on it. My h has been saying for 2 years that we'd get back to sex more often, but it never materializes. I realize that he probably feels that this would be a death sentence for our marriage, but at least I would be able to make an informed decision about the relationship.

 

The only reason I kept a calender in the first place is because he kept saying that it's not as infrequent as I thought. I showed it to him last night because he looked me straight in the face and told me I was exaggerating when I told him we only had sex 6 times last year. I'm not trying to keeps score, but had to because he keeps gaslighting me on the topic and I end up feeling crazy and doubting my own needs and memory.

 

No, coffee isn't sex. Coffee isn't an important part of a marriage. Coffee doesn't bring you together and bond you as a couple. No spouse, that I've ever heard of, turned to the other and said, "you know, I don't think I ever want coffee again. I've had all the coffee I care to drink in life." And if they did, it probably wouldn't be a marriage ending issue.

 

I am willing to compromise. I know it will probably never be twice a week again. Twice a month would be very nice for me, once per month is a little low, but peppered with a few twice a months here and there, that might work, too. Did I mention we don't have any kids and aren't planning to? There's really very little in the way of excuses.

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autumnnight

I understand that it feels like pressure. But as a person for whom sexual intimacy is vital, comparing it to too much coffee is, quite bluntly, insulting.

 

It really shouldn't have mattered that sex didn't equal love for my husband. It did for ME, the woman who he promised to love and cherish. Honestly, I could have cared less if the closet was organized or is the dishes stayed in the sink overnight. But it was important to HIM that those things be done. I am not a big gift person. I'd rather spend time with someone on my birthday than get a present. But gifts were important to HIM, so on HIS birthday I made a big deal out of presents.

 

With every other need or love language, we tell people to meet it in the way their partner needs. Then sex comes up, and people who need it are either told it is their fault their spouse doesn't want it or basically told they shouldn't need it and if they leave over it they are shallow.

 

Sex might be like too much coffee for the low drive partner. The lack of it feels like not enough food and water, emotionally speaking, for the higher need person.

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So, there you have it... for low drive people, sex might as well be annoying offers of coffee over and over.

 

Sorry, but for most low drive people, they don't want to admit there is a problem because to them, it ISN'T a problem.

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