Issues with going out late

[lookingforanswers12]

My wife and I have been together 9 years, 4 of those married. We're both in early 30s - 31 and 32. We both work in relatively high stress jobs.

 

A major bone of contention in recent times has been her feeling uncomfortable with me being out late, and the repercussions of this. While initially it was more an issue of her not being ok with me coming home really late (say 2am and later, and being drunk), it is now becoming an issue if I'm out even at 11pm.

 

Her logic is that she cannot have children with me if this is how I will behave when I am a father, and thinks I act immaturely and that I will then run away partying with my mates while she takes care of the kid. I feel that I have no reason to behave as if I have a kid, and I will have no problems changing my lifestyle in any way shape or form when the need arises. I also feel that going out with friends every once in a while is such a fundamental thing that it irritates me when I am questioned about my whereabouts and given what are curfews in effect. All the late nights out are with mates (and not with other women).

 

Is this normal behavior? Am I being unreasonable?

 

It has come to a point that I feel completely caged and I cannot go out for anything without feeling worried it will end up in an argument, or me being characterized as a person who has a desperate need to be constantly out. I also cannot be in a marriage where there is a condition that to have children I have to behave in a certain way even before kids to prove i can behave in a certain way once they're here. I feel like I should cut my losses and get out so I can live my life as I please without feeling guilty for such small freedoms in life.

 

I should add that my wife is an intelligent woman, who I would love to be the mother of my children. She is not the most enthusiastic partier and would much rather spend here evenings at home, reading a book or watching tv. I have always been quite a guy's guy and love being around friends.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

How many times a week do you need to go out without your wife and how long do you stay out for?

 

If you are in a high-stress job, then to me it is plain stupid to be staying out until 2am if you have to get up for work the next day.

 

I agree with your wife. I wouldn't have kids with you until you knuckled down and started being a bit more responsible instead of acting like a single bloke.

 

Personally, I think you need to grow up.

[lookingforanswers12]

OP,

How many times a week do you need to go out without your wife and how long do you stay out for?

 

Once every 2-3 weeks. At the moment I am cutting the evenings to get home midnight-ish, but if I had a choice I imagine i happily would go out till 3-4am

[Arieswoman]

....and are these week-nights ?

[lookingforanswers12]

....and are these week-nights ?

 

yeah usually..wife and I spend the weekends together

[Arieswoman]

OP,

As I said in post #2 I consider staying out late on week nights when in a high-stress job just plain irresponsible. I consider midnight to be "too late", because by the time you've got in, got ready for bed etc it could be 12.30 and you could wake your wife up. (Don't forget she's in a high-stress job as well, and needs her sleep)

 

A more important factor is the drinking & driving aspect. If you are out late drinking, then you could still be "over the limit" the next morning. This could seriously impact on your career if you get stopped and breathalized.

 

I think you are being selfish and irresponsible.

 

If you really can't do without these late-night "blow-outs" with the boys, maybe you should examine your comittment to your marriage?

[lookingforanswers12]

OP,

A more important factor is the drinking & driving aspect. If you are out late drinking, then you could still be "over the limit" the next morning. This could seriously impact on your career if you get stopped and breathalized.

 

I dont drive to work. I take the train so that is not an issue.

 

Why is going out and having a blow out somehow implying i am less committed to the marriage? Most of the men I know would go out and drink themselves to merrydom if they were around mates every once in a while and I work in a fairly well respected profession. This wouldnt mean they are less committed to marriage or anything...just that they can act like boys when around their mates.

 

I am married and there for my wife everyday. Why cant i go out every few weeks?

 

I am just wondering wherther this is a "men are from mars" thing that women don't quite get. Its not as if i will meet my buddies and we will sit around and drink tea and go home at 9. You meet friends in a pub and see where the night goes. What is so unusual/irresponsible/non-marriage like about this?

 

If I had kids I would obviously not go out late and that makes complete sense to me. But why just for the sake of proving that I can be like that should I already start acting like this?

[Arieswoman]

I dont drive to work. I take the train so that is not an issue.

 

OK so maybe the D & D isn't an issue but turning up to work hung-over after only a few hours sleep will impact on your performance there.

 

What is it you do exactly work-wise?

 

It's not so much the "blow-out" that is the problem IMO, it's doing it on a week-night when you both need to go to work the next day.

 

I'm also curious about this

 

You meet friends in a pub and see where the night goes.

 

what does that mean?

[lookingforanswers12]

What is it you do exactly work-wise?

I work in finance, more specifically managing money.

 

You meet friends in a pub and see where the night goes.

 

What I mean is that you meet your friends, have drinks, you might decide to go to another pub, club or restaurant, or to someone;s place and there is your 2 am right there.

[Lion Heart]

I completely agree with your W.

 

I'm glad Aries posted what she did. By the time I'd read half of your thread, I could only imagine how your wife was presenting a grounded, mature argument and you continue to respond like a child. I'd cut and run from you if I wanted children! There's no point in arguing anything with you about this. You want what you want (to act single) but you WANT her too! Oh and thank goodness there'd be ONE grown up to actually BE THERE AT HOME (YES EVERY NIGHT) to care for a child.

 

IMHO your W already has 1 child too many in this marraige and she hasn't given birth yet! How fri**in frustrating for her.

 

By the end of your thread starter, I said "grow up".

 

With your household going down to 1 income for possibly a LONG time after children (you don't know if you'll have twins or a child with special needs) how much money will you have "leftover" for your frequent nights out? Can you afford to pay a carer to replace you while you go out? Babies are exhausting!

Have YOU done the sums on that? Mr Finance, I bet your W looks after all that?

 

Or are you quickly doing them now?

 

IF you want children any time soon, and remember some women are pre-menapausal at your ages, then I'd be buckling down, working out a financial plan, considering how you could create "family fun times" with your whole family and invite the mates over for those instead.

 

If you think you're under pressure now? Then x that by 100-1000 after children. It's the best job in the world but it's the hardest job in the world for most. I've had 4 chn but YOU would be harder to "raise" than all of them put together because you just don't "get it".

 

This maturity and foresight is WHY your W "gets it".

 

I think you need another 20y or so of partying b4 you realise you've missed something.

 

Lion Heart.

[Diezel]

Are you guys being serious right now?

 

It's once every 2-3 weeks. It's not like he's doing it consistently 3 times a week. And this isn't even about whether he's being responsible at work or not. That's his problem, how it affects his performance. The thread is about how his wife is upset that he is going out late on a weekday.

 

I get it, the usual shaming convention "grow up". But what does that even mean? That means that at some point we have to stop enjoying the things we like doing just because at certain ages we are expected to act in certain ways? Should I have told my girlfriend who was out last night with co-workers, that she needs to "grow up" as well?

 

The way you ladies are painting this makes it sound like he is going out and making it rain in Las Vegas. You aren't even taking into account the fact that he might already know what the expenses will be, that's not the point RIGHT NOW.

 

His wife knew EXACTLY what she was getting into and simply is expecting him to adhere to this.

 

I'll give you this, 2 AM on a weekday might be a bit much. But that's me personally, but to suggest irresponsibility at a job or him not taking into account future finances is a bit much.

 

I think the better question is: Does she go out on her own with her friends at any point during the week? Does she have her fair share of ladies nights every 2-3 weeks as well?

 

OP, you can compromise but do NOT cut that night out completely. You are going to need it at some point, but so is she.

[lookingforanswers12]

Have YOU done the sums on that? Mr Finance, I bet your W looks after all that?

 

I think you need another 20y or so of partying b4 you realise you've missed something.

 

Lion Heart.

 

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the frankness. See the thing is that I dont go out very often and we're very good with our finances, so it doesnt make such a big difference money wise.

 

Your comment about partying is fair. But does it mean I need to stop partying to prove I am mature? What about my perspectives on life, on the world, on everything else. Isnt that what maturity is define by. If not so, I have to say my concept of growing up is completely messed up. I always used to think that growing up means being able to put things in context, not getting riled up about the small stuff and knowing when to do what. I really cannot see the logic of why I should stop going out. I really do wish I could.

 

To me it sounds like a rather boring way to think about life. I need to not have fun to be mature, or change what is fun to me? Maybe I really never grew up then. When I have kids I completely buy your logiv, or even when my wife is pregnant. But when neither of those is the case, I cant connect the dots.

 

The way you ladies are painting this makes it sound like he is going out and making it rain in Las Vegas.

 

I think the better question is: Does she go out on her own with her friends at any point during the week? Does she have her fair share of ladies nights every 2-3 weeks as well?

 

OP, you can compromise but do NOT cut that night out completely. You are going to need it at some point, but so is she.

 

For all my sins, I have never been to Vegas,

 

More seriously, it feels to me like things are hunky dory when I am a good little boy. When I dont go out, everything works fine. All it will take is one night...and that might be preceded by 3 months of no going out late, but that 1 night out will end up me being coloured as a drunk, irresponsible man. To be fair I might come home tipsy that one night, but again, do other married men never come home late? Honestly, I enjoy the watching TV together, drinking wine, talking about the future, buying curtains (for real), doing DIY together etc. But I have to be around the guys sometimes. Else I will feel a little weird after a few months. And being around the guys means no curfews.

 

My wife does go out with her friends, colleagues etc. but is always home by 10ish max. She is not one to go out late, and does it very rarely. Hence she is morally always one up on me.

 

I work hard, make good money, keep fit, love and respect her and her family, and have been faithful in a long term relationship. I feel like somehow I am getting the wrong end of the stick in being criticized for small freedoms which I fully deserve.

[road]

I dont drive to work. I take the train so that is not an issue.

 

 

 

 

Walking around in the morning exhausted does not make for quality time at home before you leave. Cheery interactions over just a cup of coffee is much better then stumbling from bed to out the front door.

[road]

30's is the time to grow up.

 

 

30's and married is past the time to grow up.

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts you would not like your wife to be hanging at bars getting drunk crawling home at 3 am.

[beatcuff]

All it will take is one night...and that might be preceded by 3 months of no going out late, but that 1 night out will end up me being coloured as a drunk, irresponsible man.

 

fun how no one sees her as a control freak --- you can't, not that, never.

 

once a month with the boys, home by 11p (now) and using the 'daddy' card.

 

maybe that's why many couples divorce. to many restrictions. i don't recall anywhere in the marriage contract where i give up all rights.

[d0nnivain]

It's a compatibility issue. She wants kids & wants them to be raised in a 2 parent home. Your behavior is telling her you are not ready for that. Your words that you can stop going out & staying out all night are empty words because you are not stopping. The allure of staying out all night beyond once in a while on a special occasion ends for most people. The fact that you are doing this every 14 to 21 days but would happily do it every night indicates that you are not ready for fatherhood where the kids & their needs have to come first 24/7/365.

 

 

You have to chose. What you chose is up to you but you can't responsibly have kids & be a parent to them while maintaining this level of partying. It's unrealistic & unfair to your wife.

 

 

BTW this divide will only get worse while she's pregnant & nursing so for the sake of the baby can't drink. For you to be off partying will feel like you are abandoning here.

[Arieswoman]

So now we have it OP ;-

 

What I mean is that you meet your friends, have drinks, you might decide to go to another pub, club or restaurant, or to someone;s place and there is your 2 am right there.

 

I was a single/divorced woman in my 30's at one time and I sometimes went out to with girlfriends to pubs and nightclubs. And hey-ho, we were always getting hit on by groups of guys (some married - "on a long leash", as we used to say - some single) out on the pull, trying to chat us up and get us to go back with them to "a friend's house" for a "chat" , trying to cadge a lift home etc etc.

 

Please don't tell me that this doesn't happen and that you don't egg each other on to do silly things, because I don't believe you. I've been there watching you all making idiots of yourselves.

[lookingforanswers12]

The fact that you are doing this every 14 to 21 days but would happily do it every night indicates that you are not ready for fatherhood where the kids & their needs have to come first 24/7/365.

 

First, I would not happily do this everyday. I don't have the energy I think and it would be harmful physically and mentally.

 

You have to chose. What you chose is up to you but you can't responsibly have kids & be a parent to them while maintaining this level of partying. It's unrealistic & unfair to your wife.

 

This is exactly where I dont get it. Why should I behave as if I have kids when I dont! Neither is my wife pregnant. When either of these situations present themselves, I will act accordingly.

 

Even when I can have a chilled out, carefree life, I should act as if I have some imaginary restrictions???

[MJJean]

Your comment about partying is fair. But does it mean I need to stop partying to prove I am mature? What about my perspectives on life, on the world, on everything else. Isnt that what maturity is define by. If not so, I have to say my concept of growing up is completely messed up. I always used to think that growing up means being able to put things in context, not getting riled up about the small stuff and knowing when to do what. I really cannot see the logic of why I should stop going out. I really do wish I could.

 

To me it sounds like a rather boring way to think about life. I need to not have fun to be mature, or change what is fun to me? Maybe I really never grew up then. When I have kids I completely buy your logic, or even when my wife is pregnant. But when neither of those is the case, I cant connect the dots.

 

 

 

For all my sins, I have never been to Vegas,

 

More seriously, it feels to me like things are hunky dory when I am a good little boy. When I dont go out, everything works fine. All it will take is one night...and that might be preceded by 3 months of no going out late, but that 1 night out will end up me being coloured as a drunk, irresponsible man. To be fair I might come home tipsy that one night, but again, do other married men never come home late? Honestly, I enjoy the watching TV together, drinking wine, talking about the future, buying curtains (for real), doing DIY together etc. But I have to be around the guys sometimes. Else I will feel a little weird after a few months. And being around the guys means no curfews.

 

My wife does go out with her friends, colleagues etc. but is always home by 10ish max. She is not one to go out late, and does it very rarely. Hence she is morally always one up on me.

 

I work hard, make good money, keep fit, love and respect her and her family, and have been faithful in a long term relationship. I feel like somehow I am getting the wrong end of the stick in being criticized for small freedoms which I fully deserve.

 

Marriage is sometimes about compromise. Have you tried to come to an agreement?

 

I am a wife of 12 years, 15 together, that pretty much shares your wife's point of view. I don't think married people should be going out drinking with their buddies until the wee hours and certainly not on a weeknight.

 

However, I also understand the need for some time away from work, home, and the spouse to relax and enjoy some bonding time with friends.

 

If I were you, I'd be interested in coming to some kind of arrangement such as every 4th weekend you get a night out with friends and can come home before 3 am absolutely smashed as long as you aren't driving.

 

No, you don't have to change what is fun for you. You just need to understand that once people settle down and start thinking about a family they generally start to change their habits. Going to the bars and clubs to spend time with friends becomes meeting at someone's house for an evening of cards. Instead of going out til late night, the guys meet up at a football game, have a few drinks, and go home at a decent hour. That kind of thing.

 

Give your wife a break. Being pregnant and having an infant are not only major life changes, but that is the time in a woman's life when she is the most needy and vulnerable. And then there is the physical discomfort, all the things that could go wrong, the hormones making one emotional and a bit crazy, the fear of the pain of childbirth and the fear of being a bad parent and messing up the kid for life, etc. etc.

 

It's natural for her to feel a little anxious and insecure when contemplating making a baby and all it entails. If you've expressed your opinion to her as you have to us, I can see why she might be a bit skittish and upset. From her point of view, it could easily look like you don't want to really settle down, that you may be unhappy with the restrictions a child puts on your life, and maybe you'll either live like a single man forever or leave once the real adult responsibilities hit you.

 

Her biological clock is ticking. The older a woman is, the less likely a successful pregnancy and healthy baby become. After 35, a woman's fertility decreases and the chance of a miscarriage, a complication during pregnancy, or an abnormality in the baby increase. If she wants more than one child she's probably factored in the time it takes to conceive, the pregnancy, the birth, the recovery, and the time it takes to be ready to try to conceive and birth the next child. All of this, or course, assuming no fertility issues. Realistically, if you started trying to conceive right now without fertility issues, it could be 1-2 years before pregnancy occurs. She could be feeling a certain sense of urgency here.

 

Looking at it like that, can you see why your wife may be a bit insecure, anxious, and worried about starting a family with you under the current circumstances with her wanting you to be home and you wanting to act like a single guy?

Edited April 1, 2015 by MJJean

[MJJean]

 

This is exactly where I dont get it. Why should I behave as if I have kids when I dont! Neither is my wife pregnant. When either of these situations present themselves, I will act accordingly.

 

Even when I can have a chilled out, carefree life, I should act as if I have some imaginary restrictions???

 

You don't have a chilled out, carefree life. You're a married man with all of the obligations and restrictions that entails. She's not your GF, she's your wife. Big distinction there.

 

Should you act as if you have some imaginary restrictions? No, because they aren't imaginary! You're married. You've agreed to certain restrictions on your behavior.

 

Men have been telling women since forever that they'll settle down for real when the baby comes. Few do. Actions speak louder than words. If you're acting as if you have the responsibility of a child your wife will feel more comfortable with having an actual child. Which, going by the posts you've made, it sounds like you both want.

[d0nnivain]

This is exactly where I dont get it. Why should I behave as if I have kids when I dont! Neither is my wife pregnant. When either of these situations present themselves, I will act accordingly.

 

Even when I can have a chilled out, carefree life, I should act as if I have some imaginary restrictions???

 

 

Because it's not that easy to stop. Also because she said she won't get pregnant with you until you stop. Do you want kids or do you want to party? Right now your actions going out to 2 a.m. on work nights tell her you want to party. If she said tomorrow that she's pregnant, you won't just stop going out. At the very least can you start cutting down now, even to once per month, then once every other month. If she sees change, she may soften her stance but just your promise to stop when she's pregnant is BS & she knows it.

[autumnnight]

More evidence that I must just be weird for a woman.

 

I personally do not see one late night every 3 weeks as some huge "I can never be a parent" big deal. My big questions would be about drinking and driving (which you already answered) and self-control/behavior while you are out. If all you do is hang out with your male friends, yell over the game, laugh, play darts (forgive me cause i really don't know much about bars). and then go home and crash, I don't see harm in it. IF you or anyone in your group dances with and flirts with strange women, buys drinks for women and chats them up, etc. THAT is a problem.

 

Because I am a lighter sleeper, past midnight on a week night would bother me not just for my partner but because them getting home at 3AM would disrupt MY sleep as well.

 

From the outside looking in, I would think a compromise of, say, every 3rd Thursday till midnight might be workable. Once you have kids, if you are an engaged father, this will take care of itself. Trust me, for the first couple of years you won't have the energy to go out partying lol.

[MJJean]

More evidence that I must just be weird for a woman.

 

I personally do not see one late night every 3 weeks as some huge "I can never be a parent" big deal. My big questions would be about drinking and driving (which you already answered) and self-control/behavior while you are out. If all you do is hang out with your male friends, yell over the game, laugh, play darts (forgive me cause i really don't know much about bars). and then go home and crash, I don't see harm in it. IF you or anyone in your group dances with and flirts with strange women, buys drinks for women and chats them up, etc. THAT is a problem.

 

Because I am a lighter sleeper, past midnight on a week night would bother me not just for my partner but because them getting home at 3AM would disrupt MY sleep as well.

 

From the outside looking in, I would think a compromise of, say, every 3rd Thursday till midnight might be workable. Once you have kids, if you are an engaged father, this will take care of itself. Trust me, for the first couple of years you won't have the energy to go out partying lol.

 

 

I'm an odd woman, too, because I don't mind the DH going out and having some friend time even if it's late night here and there. My DH's here and there is about once every 2-6 months, depending on his work schedule and when his friends are available. No big deal.

 

I do like to know where he'll be and who he will be with. I like him to call home if he's going to be later than expected or there is a change of plans. And he has to keep his phone with him, fully charged, and turned on in case of an emergency. All of which I think is reasonable.

 

I prefer DH be home at a reasonable time if it's a weeknight because I can't sleep until he comes in. I worry. It's a thing with me that I just can't relax enough to rest unless I know the DH and the kids are safe. If he wants to go out on a Tuesday, I ask he be home early-ish so we can both get enough sleep to handle the coming day. If it's a weekend, I ask that he doesn't drive during drunk rush hour and just stay up after the kids get to sleep so I can have some me time watching movies, goofing off on forums, or doing some online gaming.

 

OP, once the kid(s) come(s) along, you'll come to realize sleep is much nicer than drinks with friends. In fact, while you have an infant or toddler you'll come to think of sleep as one of the Top 5 things you love in the world.

 

After a few years or so of being parents and being together 99% of the time you aren't working, your wife may actually start to push you out the door so she can get some precious time to herself! Believe me, once she becomes a mommy she will see the value in time without you or the kids awake and around.

[SJS]

What bars are open until 2 or 3 during the week? (ok, that may be my small town naivety).

 

 

Would your wife be ok if you came home late but sober?

[elaine567]

Your wife gave you a test and you are failing it.

Your wife will have to give up a lot more than a few nights out to have kids.

If she is going to make that commitment then she wants to see some commitment from you too. I guess you either give her that or she leaves, her clock is ticking and if you are not up to being father material she will find someone who is.

 

I wasn't born yesterday either, staying out till 3am, means going to clubs and parties and that means women are involved.