Porn problems

[mrssusieq]

I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for a little over one. Our sex life has been in a constant decline, even more so after the wedding. I try to initiate a few times a week and get turned down because he is either too tired or doesn't feel good. For the last year or so I have noticed a big increase in his porn usage. He has over 200 video's downloaded on his computer and more on his phone. I have discussed with him many times that I don't think it's wrong for him to use porn and masturbate but it hurts me that he turns me down but is very obviously horny. I have asked him to please cut back and stop downloading so much porn and he says he will cut back, but then he always keeps it up. We just had a big talk about it a couple days ago and I see now on his phone that he got subscriptions to two new porn sites yesterday. He told me that it's easier for him to just use porn because sex is too much work, and he doesn't like having to try and pleasure me. I am overweight, and I have been since we got together, and he has always told me I am beautiful and he loves my big ass. Now he is telling me that he is bored having sex with me because there are some positions that are hard for me, so this is another reason he would rather masturbate. I don't know what to do anymore, we tried marriage counseling and we didn't really get into our sex problems. We touched on it a little bit, but he honestly thinks that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing and I am being bitchy by complaining about it. Does anyone have any insight? We are a young newlywed couple in our late twenties and I am afraid this will never get better.

[Lion Heart]

Hi Susie,

Ok this is gonna be long.

You've got very good grounds for concern indeed.

 

It's horrible that you're asking, being rejected and hearing the reasons! Woah! Like he's justifying NOT meeting your needs eeeeewww. Red flag!

 

A sexual relationship is the ONE element that is expected in marraige. Marraige isn't based on PORN!

 

I'll go so far as to tell you what qualified professionals have told me about this behaviour. It can more than likely escalate.

 

At best he has a porn addiction and I know at least 2 women who've divorced their WH on that alone. "So you're not being with ME? Because you'd RATHER do it with OW on film? I'm out!" Make that 3, charged my phone to respond and remembered a 3rd!

 

IF his sex drive was far greater than yours and after giving you all you could handle, still then he was horny, maybe porn would be acceptable. Not in my M.

 

I'd start working on myself if I were you.

 

If he's willing to see a Sex Therapist then ok.

 

But baby, he's got you over a something weird?!?!

 

See an IC for YOU.

 

You need to do anything and everything for YOURSELF now. For example: (a modified version of the 180, not to get him back, to get YOU back!)

- IC focussing on empowerment.

- completely changing your lifestyle to focus on your health

- get an awesome, VERY LOUD vibrator! Or 7 different types. Buy what you want, he is! Have as many orgasms as you want / need by yourself. Don't cry, I did at 1st. That's ok. You'll get past that. You're releasing tension and getting relaxed.

- get some very sexy underwear, replace your crappy stuff. Who cares if he never sees it. You KNOW you're wearing it and it feels great.

- do long baths with candles, scented oils. Romance yourSELF.

Buy all new fragrances in shower gels, shampoos, perfumes. We're creating a new you b4 you head down the gurgler with the bath water.

- spend much more hilarious time with your BFs & GFs. Expand this circle with "healthy" fun women - GET HAPPY.

- change your bedroom to be as SEXY as YOU want it to be. Boudoir comes to mind.

- you've admitted you have extra pounds. Don't join a gym or do any miserable exercise you hate / dislike. It's about being HAPPY. Don't do anything in this sector for HIM. It's ALL ABOUT YOU GIRLFRIEND!

- yoga with alot of movement is pretty sexy. You're getting your groove back. HOT yoga is very sexy. Take an overnight bag as a yoga bag. Pack it with all your shower stuff and shower there. Your hair dryer etc. Arrive home smelling good, with great colour in your face.

- completely change your wardrobe (see a Stylist if you can) to accentuate the sexy attributes you have. Don't "weight till you lose weight" to look and feel good. Start now. You only have today.

- wear your new clothes all the time. Ditch your crappy stuff.

- get a sexy new hair do. Ask a woman who's hair looks GORGEOUS where SHE gets hers done. Go there asap.

- see a beautician. Get waxed everywhere if you want. Rejuvenation facials. Eye brow and eye lash tints (if applicable) and GET A FAKE TAN. THEY ARE AWESOME!

- STOP RIGHT NOW buying crap food. Your WH is probably a slob. From now on YOU buy fresh, healthy food for YOU BOTH. A few healthy treats are nice. My preference is blueberries. If he wants crap he can put it back in his pants & go and buy it himself! If he doesn't like that idea, you can always flick your full calendar and say "or you can take me out for dinner on...... flick..... flick.... Saturday fortnight".

- Read "No more Mr Nice Guy" substituting GUY for GIRL. Yeah its you and ME both! Hide them and when you don't have dates with your GFs, ride your bike to the local library or Uni campus library to read them. Treat yourself to a coffee in the cafeteria and consider which courses you could do to get a massive income! You'll need a bike lock! Lol.

- if you can't get enough dates with your GFs then look at healthy Women's Groups. Search WOW girls. We surf! It's awesome. Yours may do other great stuff. But it's about reconnecting. No I'm not a lesbian. Prayed hard for it but it's just not me dammit! Lol.

 

Sooner or later (who cares) he'll suspect you're having an A with "you're weird" respond with "really? I like my kinda weird. Not actually your type", "you don't ask me for sex anymore" respond with "oh you noticed. Yeah." ( he knows he's losing power and control). "You're 'too happy'" respond with "it's great isn't it. Guess I'm moving on from your kibbles" smile.

 

If there's love there from him to you then your M may survive. You're dealing with an addict remember. It's more about control atm.

 

Prepare yourself for the opposite outcome.

 

Don't nag.

Don't include him in your plans unless he asks AND you want that.

Don't bail him out financially. Just don't.

Get a separate account in your name only. Get your pay put in there.

 

Work out how long you're gonna stay in this sh** M. Give yourself a time limit. I gave myself 12m to get out of my 1st M. I stuck to it. That 12m was the worst of my M because I KNEW I deserved better. YOU DO TOO.

 

Remember you're a Daughter Of Sheba. Hold your head high, BE the woman you WANT TO BE.

 

It's gonna actually be a fun ride once you divert your energy from expecting WH to meet your needs to YOU meeting ALL your needs.

 

Big hug

Lion Heart.

[oldshirt]

His sexual energies are going into something other than you and leaving you out in the cold. This is basically the same as him having an affair with other women. The only difference is these other women are on a computer screen.

 

You need to treat this as you would if you caught him in an affair and he was resistant to ending the affair.

[mrssusieq]

Thanks for the kind words and advice, whenever I try talking to him about it he just scoffs at me and makes me feel like I am crazy. I tried talking to him about it again last night and told him how much it hurt my feelings that now suddenly he is saying my weight is a problem. And he just looked me dead in the eyes and said "I am just stating a fact". Then he got all pissed at me because it's not his fault he hurt my feelings when he is telling me something that's true. So I just sat here and cried my eyes out while he looked at me like I am a crazy person. I am thinking for sure I will do the time line, 12 months from today.

[Lion Heart]

Thanks for the kind words and advice, whenever I try talking to him about it he just scoffs at me and makes me feel like I am crazy. I tried talking to him about it again last night and told him how much it hurt my feelings that now suddenly he is saying my weight is a problem. And he just looked me dead in the eyes and said "I am just stating a fact". Then he got all pissed at me because it's not his fault he hurt my feelings when he is telling me something that's true. So I just sat here and cried my eyes out while he looked at me like I am a crazy person. I am thinking for sure I will do the time line, 12 months from today.

 

Dear susie,

 

I didn't want to "like" that last post only because it's not a situation to like.

 

I agree with oldshirt. I said everything else I thought of but didn't want to say affair. It is ofcourse.

 

The 180 is required.

 

My 1st H said my weight was also a problem but at 68kg? I went to 56kg and nothing changed.

The weight could've been a factor with you and me but we weren't stick figures when they proposed or married us.

 

Using porn & looking at unrealistic situations & model type bodies just confirms this concept to H.

 

You can get yourself back. You will and this is your best option.

 

LH

[pteromom]

Thanks for the kind words and advice, whenever I try talking to him about it he just scoffs at me and makes me feel like I am crazy. I tried talking to him about it again last night and told him how much it hurt my feelings that now suddenly he is saying my weight is a problem. And he just looked me dead in the eyes and said "I am just stating a fact".

 

No he isn't. He knows exactly what he is doing. By saying "it is because you are fat", he is placing the blame on you. He knows this will make you feel insecure and ugly, so you will become smaller (emotionally) and not have the strength to fight.

 

After all, who can't understand a guy not wanting to F*** a fat chick, right?

 

So it must be YOUR fault. He's gotta get his excitement somehow and he can't be expected to sleep with a fat girl.

 

In reality, he has an addiction to porn. There are many reasons that may be the case. He may have a specific fetish he's scared to ask you to indulge, or he may feel inadequate and prefer sexual experiences with no risk of rejection or poor performance. He may have gotten so into porn that it has become an obsession, and it's all he can think about.

 

No matter what it is though, it isn't your fault.

 

Here's what you do. Call up a girlfriend or two. Make a plan to go out. Get all dolled up so you look your best. Hold your head up high and know that you are beautiful. Go out and have fun feeling flirty and desirable. (Don't cheat, of course - just regain some confidence.)

 

See how he responds. Because his fat comments are designed to make you shut up and sit down. To have nothing to argue against. Show him that being a little bigger doesn't mean you aren't sexy.

 

Then he got all pissed at me because it's not his fault he hurt my feelings when he is telling me something that's true. So I just sat here and cried my eyes out while he looked at me like I am a crazy person.

 

When he sees you crying, all he sees is himself winning. So to him, that is victory.

 

You need to be strong here.

 

He needs to either admit he has a problem and address that problem, or let you move on to someone who will love you. And trust me, someone will.

[mrssusieq]

Yeah it is pretty ironic that when I try to talk to him about what's going on he immediately goes on the defensive and yells at me and says that I am just blaming him all the while he is blaming me. I am just so worn down by all this drama and B.S

[Satu]

The porn is a problem, but there's a bigger problem:

 

He's just not a nice person.

[Lion Heart]

Susie if you want to understand Hs behaviour then you can read "Dealing with the Narcissist" but as you have no children. You won't have to deal with him ever again after you leave.

 

The only reason why you it's important you read up about NPD (esp now since you will have to interact on some level for a while) is so that in ANY future relationships of any kind, you can recognize the Red Flags and act accordingly.

 

YOU know you're not crazy.

HE knows you're not crazy.

The readings you do will confirm this to yourself. You're the only person who needs this confirmation. No use arguing anything with him. Except for the split of assets.

 

To engage in such pointless argument is phrased "the dance of the Narcissist". Decline that dance!

 

I can almost predict what he'll do once you begin the 180. PM me if you like.

 

I'd like to say he'll change but I don't believe in fairy tales.

 

See chumplady.com you need a very big belly laugh! It's not gonna happen while you're crying on the lounge. There's a certain amount of satisfaction these people get from knowing they're still able to control you somewhat.

 

180

You are SO GONNA GET THERE!

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[loveboid]

It has nothing to do with your weight. I made the mistake of marrying someone I knew had a porn collection. I weighed 105 pounds. Your guy like mine probably had this porn addiction before you. After the newness of the relationship wears off he gets careless in hiding his addiction which was there all along.

 

Whether he picked it up before or after you doesn't matter though. There's no cure really. He's got to go to therapy and replace his addiction with something healthier. Too bad it couldn't be with us! BTW, I divorced him. One of the happiest days of my life.

 

Also I agree that he isn't that nice. During the divorce my ex tried to scare me by driving dangerously with me in a car and wouldn't let me out. A lot of porn is just plain violent and sometimes sadly that's what ends up in a porn addict's heart.

[oldshirt]

Why would you even want to be with someone who not only spanks to porn all the time but is such an ass treats you so cruelly?

 

I don't get it. I got dumped by my first love who I treated very well because some other guy had a nicer car. A couple years later I was dating another gal who I thought the world of and treated very well and she dumped me because I wasn't a drinker or a party animal. And heres guy that's just a plain ass that is cruel and thoughtless and you cry and ask people for advice on what to do so HE will have sex with YOU??????

 

He obviously is a better man than me.

[Lion Heart]

He obviously is a better man than me.

 

No way. Hope that was sarcasm!

 

It's a good thing, GREAT thing or even the BEST THING IN THE WORLD to know how shallow your partner is asap. This knowledge gives people like you, oldshirt, susie and me the insight into their characters.

 

A better car is what you want = not good enough for ME.

You want a party animal = not good enough for me.

You're addicted to porn = not good enough for me.

 

Be SO GRATEFUL we found out at all! Beggars belief we wanted a relationship with something like that.

 

The DEPTH of what we want is EASY for a person with similar depth of character to ourselves.

It's NOT a million dollars or a new car or house or anything we want from our SO. It's connection, love, fidelity & a great sex life. Who's gonna deny that to us? WE ARE the minute we settle for anything less.

 

We create our standards.

It's our right to be done with a relationship that doesn't meet them. Our RIGHT. Too bad for them. :-)

 

THESE very reasons are why I refuse to disclose what:

A) I do for a living (= $$ to a gold digger)

B) I own (same as A)

 

We have to weed THEM out asap.

 

From now on I will never own property with another person unless it's a child of mine...maybe.

 

Never allow another person access to my $$.

 

Never pay someone else's bad debts or any debts.

 

Since I was 15yo I always insisted going Dutch when dating = reduced expectations. Apparently this is ATTRACTIVE! Yikes.

Might just let them pay from now on and state clearly "no sex just because you bought me food". ha ha

 

Lion Heart.

[Quiet Storm]

The porn is a problem, but there's a bigger problem:

 

He's just not a nice person.

 

Addicts get mean when you try to come between them and their drug of choice.

[TheGuard13]

Guy here. Look, he may well be an addict, and he may be less than sensitive, but it also sounds like he's somewhat avoiding the issue while also telling you point blank when pushed. He's not attracted to you. He feels like there are things you can't do that he wants. He's getting what he wants stimulationwise via porn. Porn is a huge issue to be sure, but it sounds like there's also a basic compatability issue. Decide how much time you want to waste if you're both not going to make a serious effort to support and please the other person in your relationships.

 

What did you talk about in marriage counseling, if not this issue?

[mrssusieq]

In counseling we talked about how to communicate with each other better, and appropriate times to have certain discussions. For example he had a hissy because he wanted to leave and started yelling at me in getting off my family at my uncle's funeral that he wanted to go RIGHT NOW! I had hoped that one we worked thru all of this stuff then we would be in a better position to talk about the sex/porn issues.

[Satu]

In counseling we talked about how to communicate with each other better, and appropriate times to have certain discussions. For example he had a hissy because he wanted to leave and started yelling at me in getting off my family at my uncle's funeral that he wanted to go RIGHT NOW! I had hoped that one we worked thru all of this stuff then we would be in a better position to talk about the sex/porn issues.

 

I'm officially rooting for you.

 

You deserve better, and I want you to get it.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I sympathize with you, OP. I know exactly what you're going through. I divorced my ex-husband because he had a porn/sex addiction that, he not only never acknowledged, but blamed ME for. I gave him many chances for him to quit viewing porn. I even offered to help him through it and gave him many resources for him to do it. But the thing was....he didn't WANT to quit. He enjoyed what he did and expected to have his cake and eat it too by having sex with me whenever he got horny after viewing porn. I made it abundantly clear to him that if he was using pornography, that he would NOT be having sex with me - EVER. He didn't believe me. But...after the last 5 years of the marriage with me NOT acquiescing to his expectations and demands for sex, THEN he believed me - but still refused to quit his porn addiction. That was when I moved out and filed the divorce papers.

 

Getting out of that emotionally and spiritually abusive marriage was THE BEST thing I've ever done for myself and for my children! I felt as though I had been reborn. He still remains single since our divorce and I'm sure is still addicted to and enjoying using pornography. It's not my problem anymore and it's not affecting me negatively anymore!! I could care less what he does with the rest of his life - because I'm experiencing too much joy, freedom and spiritual/emotional PEACE being on my own and living life on MY own terms!

 

This is what I wish for you OP: PEACE. JOY. FREEDOM. And, you can have ALL of these things and more....but, YOU have to take the first step! Chances are, he will NEVER quit viewing pornography; no matter how many counseling sessions you both attend and no matter what you do. He is what he is. You'll either have to accept that he enjoys viewing pornography regardless of how it makes YOU feel - or you can CHOOSE to NOT accept it....and DO something ABOUT how you LIVE **YOUR** LIFE.

 

I'm rooting for you alongside Satu!

 

God Bless, Stay Strong...and Do what's in YOUR best interest (and your childrens', if you have any).

 

 

.

[kayla73]

What your husband is doing and saying to you is absolutely disgusting. When porn is taking the place of your relationship or marriage, that is a problem! This is on the same level as having an affair, in my opinion.

 

Who am I to tell someone to leave their husband/wife? However, in this case, you really want to reconsider who you're married to.

[Thegameoflife]

It actually sounds like sex isn't the problem with your relationship. Most people develop addictions of various sorts to escape. When your husband goes online to watch porn, he's escaping into a digital world. His real problem isn't porn, but rather something else is wrong with your marriage, or maybe it's just his own personal issues. It's the same as how some people do drugs to escape the reality where they had bad things happen to them.

 

I would like to know what is going on in the rest of the marriage. Everyone is flipping out over the symptom of your bad marriage, but let's talk about possible causes. I just feel that the real problems in your marriage, you're actually trying to hide them. For instance, most married couples start working on kids pretty soon after marriage; so is there infertility issues? How about money issues? Employment, or job stresses? Do you work, or stay at home? If I was to walk into your home, would I see a spotless home, lived in, or dirty? How are your lives day to day, if you ignore him substituting intimacy for porn.

 

I'd be weary of listening to too many people on this site. Most give advice that re-affirms their own choices, by getting others to do the same. If someone says they had to get a divorce because they couldn't solve a problem, their advice is basically worthless. Would you go to a psychologist that lives on the streets and hears voices?

[SummerDreams]

I seriously think you have way bigger problems than the lack of desire by his part or his porn addiction. He treats you like **** and you accept it, feeling more and more insecure about your appearance. I don't understand why you ended up marrying this guy. Was it because you thought you deserved nothing better? In my opinion it's better to be single than letting a guy treat you like this cause you are overweight. What he doesn't realize is he is offending himself and his choice by making you feel bad about your weight, cause he was the one who chose to marry you. I think you must start to realize that the end is near. I know it hurts, I know you must love him but you have to start facing the truth, which is, men who love their wives don't treat them like ****, regardless of their appearance. Nothing gives a man the right to treat a woman badly. Stay strong and begin some IC for yourself, then start considering a divorce. Good luck.