DKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 So lovin and I were at a party with 7 other couples and a few singles. After a couple hours of wine flowing the conversation turned to mom and wife being two different roles within the family. One of the singles is recently divorced and was upset because her ex husband told her she was a great mother but a horrible wife. She commented that "isn't it all the same, being a great mom makes me a great wife" A very passionate debate followed. Right down gender lines. So on the ride home, lovin asked me did I feel it was two different roles. Absolutely. I would think that the relationship with the kids is one apart from the husband. I don't feel that being a great mom makes you a great wife. My needs are apart from their needs. Her response was nothing makes her feel closer to me then watching me be a great father. My issue is shouldn't we expect parents to do their best as parents? That doesn't mean your doing your best to be a great spouse. I think this is a huge divide, every women at the party felt great mom = great wife. I have a hard time seeing the connection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Sadly what some women think of as great mom is not only horrible wife, but actually helicopter, obsessed, overprote ctive, hypermom. One of the biggest factors in a child's security and well being is observing two parents who love and value each other. Nuff said. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm not sure. Personally I try to strengthen all the relationships close to my heart. How about you? Your lovin thinks you're a great dad. How'd it go with your exW? Were you a great husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Sadly what some women think of as great mom is not only horrible wife, but actually helicopter, obsessed, overprote ctive, hypermom. One of the biggest factors in a child's security and well being is observing two parents who love and value each other. Nuff said. I agree, and a woman needs to take care of both her man and herself to be energized to take care of the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Show me a woman who wigs out about the hubby being important too stuff, and I'll show you a woman who has replaced her marriage with her child. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 They are connected. You can't be a great parent if you treat your child's other parent like crap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm not sure. Personally I try to strengthen all the relationships close to my heart. How about you? Your lovin thinks you're a great dad. How'd it go with your exW? Were you a great husband? Lovin is both my ex and current. Yeah she views me as a great dad, and says that there is nothing more attractive to her then that. Yet I don't think that makes me a great husband. I believe I'm good to HER apart from the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Sadly what some women think of as great mom is not only horrible wife, but actually helicopter, obsessed, overprote ctive, hypermom. One of the biggest factors in a child's security and well being is observing two parents who love and value each other. Nuff said. Yes, I don't think its a gender thing. Sometimes a parent will put their total focus on the child and it can slowly push the spouse out of the picture. I have seen two examples of this. First my parents. My mother was the defination of helicopter mom. However she pretty much ignored my father as she focused on her three kids. My father was in a sense pushed out of the inner circle and did his thing on the outside. After my little sister left for college she then turned her focus on him. The problem is he was settled into his own life. Second my sisters husband would win national father of the year awards if there was such a thing. He doesn't treat her bad, more like the soldier that guards his gold while he is away. Their son is his life, and they so often excludes her from things. My mom was a great mother I would say a horrible wife, after we all moved out she was a great wife. BIL is a great father, subpar as a husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Two totally different relationships, unless you're into that sort of Norman Batesy stuff. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Seachan Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 It's all about ying-yang: keeping a balance. If you're spending so much time managing your kids that you are neglecting your marriage, then you are neither a good parent nor a good wife/husband. A good mom will not jeopardize her kids stability by ignoring her role as wife. Likewise, a man who places so much importance on work - in the name of providing for his family - that he has no time for said family is neither a good husband nor a good father. Some of the most difficult conversations I've had with my H over the years involved reigning in his career ambitions in the interest of nurturing our marriage and spending time with the kids. Sure, being successful benefits our family, but not at the expense of missing out on the kids' childhood. He was always glad for these conversations when I told him I needed more of his time. By giving us more of his time, he was a happier person. It also made him more focused during work time; he became more efficient with those tasks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm female and I have to say I do not think being a great mom automatically makes you a great wife (nor does being a great dad make you a great husband). I totally believe the two roles are seperate BUT I think it is likely people who think a great mom = great wife might feel that way because they figure that if they are doing a great job caring for the children, that must make them a great wife, too. I think the problems arise when moms or dads see right past their spouses and fail to nuture that relationship but pour everything into the children. Of course children should be loved and taken care of, but caring for your child doesn't build or maintain the relationship with a partner, yanno? So, I agree with you on this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Two completely different things IMO. Although I think the two can complement each other, you can be a horrible spouse while being a good parent. I think it's quite common actually. I also think you can be a good spouse while being a lousy parent, but I think the former is more common. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 For me I find nothing sexier then watching him interact with the children. It makes me feel even more connected with him. I think the mistake that some women make is thinking that the husband should feel that some connection based on the relationship the wife has with the kids. I have been guilty of this in the past, expecting him to veiw me as a great wife for trying to be the best mother I can be. There has to be a balance, each relationship within the unit has to be nurtured independent of each other as well as the relationship as a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 There has to be a balance, each relationship within the unit has to be nurtured independent of each other as well as the relationship as a family. Agree. That's what I decided when I read this and thought about it. My initial thought was - why would they be connected? They require totally different types of nurturing to make them work. But it is true that it is connected in a way, and being a bad parent would preclude being a good spouse for most people. They are both important but the needs are so separate for both roles, those needs have to be met in all aspects for everything to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The problem is when the wife starts to act like a man's mother and treat him like a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Ahh negging. It does work on certain women. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Yes, I don't think its a gender thing. Sometimes a parent will put their total focus on the child and it can slowly push the spouse out of the picture. I have seen two examples of this. First my parents. My mother was the defination of helicopter mom. However she pretty much ignored my father as she focused on her three kids. My father was in a sense pushed out of the inner circle and did his thing on the outside. After my little sister left for college she then turned her focus on him. The problem is he was settled into his own life. Second my sisters husband would win national father of the year awards if there was such a thing. He doesn't treat her bad, more like the soldier that guards his gold while he is away. Their son is his life, and they so often excludes her from things. My mom was a great mother I would say a horrible wife, after we all moved out she was a great wife. BIL is a great father, subpar as a husband. I don't want to insult your mother or offend you but was your mom really being great mother? It sounds like she treated her husband like an unnecessary piece of furniture and almost disallowed him to participate in raising his kids. That wasn't being a great mom. I would think a great mom would encourage a strong relationship between the kids and their father and would welcome dad to be involved in the child rearing. I don't think your mom was a great mom in excluding her husband from the family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't want to insult your mother or offend you but was your mom really being great mother? It sounds like she treated her husband like an unnecessary piece of furniture and almost disallowed him to participate in raising his kids. That wasn't being a great mom. I would think a great mom would encourage a strong relationship between the kids and their father and would welcome dad to be involved in the child rearing. I don't think your mom was a great mom in excluding her husband from the family. Well, all three of us have a great relationship with our dad. Mom passed away last summer, but we had a great relationship with her. She was a dominate woman and dad is laid back. They did however fall into different roles as we grew up. Mom did stop him from parenting us. The issue was they didn't really have a relationship outside of us, at least no one visable to us. When my sister finally left home they struggled to reconnect as she instantly turned her focus on him. They made it and they were really happy, and for the first time in my life I could see they were "IN LOVE" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Ofcourse it's possible that you can be a great mum and not a great wife. Same as you can be a great dad and not a great husband. In WH extended family I've definitely seen the mothers put way too focus on the husbands, both parents actually neglecting their children, yet to no avail for the security of their marriage. The one having all the focus on them, cheating! Sort of like treating them like Princes or Princesses and the "royalty" cheat. So obviously there needs to be some reality. Family dynamics are intricate. Basically though I guess if BOTH parents can focus on the children for a decent amount of time. AND both parents can focus on each other then the perfect family could exist. It's when one spouse "drops the ball" in their role as parent & spouse that the imbalance occurs and issues are created. I won't be gender specific here. If one parent was horrible but got all their needs met in the marriage union (as opposed to contentment in the family) it could still go horribly wrong for the marriage. As a woman, BW, mother of 4 and a grandmother now, if my H had not been an at least sometimes focussed on the chn, it would've affected our marriage very much. I can see WHY this lady developed her concept of great mother = great wife because part of it is! If a H (or W) sees the children neglected then there are gonna be issues in the marriage. It takes honest and open communication (sometimes ALOT) between a couple when there's HUGE disparity like this and one spouse can feel it. And wants the change. And needs the change to occur to stay in the family! The spouse who needs the change may hint to start with, communicate and even scream out loud about it BUT if the other spouse won't come to the party then there are major issues as we read here daily. The real problem for some marraiges is that one spouse won't communicate but yet EXPECTS. Unspoken expectations build resentment and bang. This is ridiculous. No one's a psychic all the time! Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The problem is when the wife starts to act like a man's mother and treat him like a child. Not that hard to do when the man acts like a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think there needs to be a balance. I recently read an article a mom wrote admitting how she is only 1% wife and 99% mom and was talking about how much she neglected her husband. If there is no balance, a lot of those relationships fail. Whether you have kids or not, time needs to be made for the person to took vows with till death do you part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think the problems arise when moms or dads see right past their spouses and fail to nuture that relationship but pour everything into the children. Of course children should be loved and taken care of, but caring for your child doesn't build or maintain the relationship with a partner, yanno? So, I agree with you on this. Agreed. Once past infant/toddler stage, no child needs every ounce of a parent's attention and energy "poured" into them. Rather than hours of Gymboree and $1000 stroller rides, they need parents that are connected to each other and the world around them... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 No, they don't go automatically together. However conversely I hope that anyone would admit that bad mother makes a bad wife - if I saw my spouse neglecting or mistreating my kids I would struggle to accept they were a good person let alone a good spouse. The only time, in all his jackassery during and before the affair (before dday), that I ever seriously wanted to leave, was when he was being horrible to the kids - I honestly could have killed him at that point! I do find it odd how often this question comes up on here. I am sure there are many women who do have the balance wrong - but I'd be interested to hear their viewpoint TBH. Why is it this way? Is it because she just chose to do this and their relationship is weak, or is it perhaps because her H didn't step up to his role as father - they have different views on parenting perhaps. She feels she has to fill his role as well. And is their an element of dad's nose being out of joint because he isn't the only object of his wife's attention. Maybe men and women are different - I only know that when I a see H being an involved and loving father, even though his attention isn't on me, I see him being a good man and a good husband and I love him even more. My children are a big part of my world and it makes me happy to see that he values them as I do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 my opinion is you can be a great mom to the kids and a horrible spouse. think of all those sexless marriages, where the kids get it all, and hubby gets blue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Maybe men and women are different - I only know that when I a see H being an involved and loving father, even though his attention isn't on me, I see him being a good man and a good husband and I love him even more. My children are a big part of my world and it makes me happy to see that he values them as I do. I feel as you do, and I'm fairly sure my H feels the same way. As a mom, I want romance and an adult relationship and sex. I don't understand how this is at odds with having days that revolve around work and kids. Realistically, H's job gets more of his direct focused attention than me, but I'm not jealous of his job. We make time for each other after the work is done. And we work together to make sure the work gets done first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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