sandylee1 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm thinking about buying the book 'not just friends ' for my H. He's not a WH, but I don't think he understands the concept of an EA, so I'm hoping if he reads it, some things will sink in. How would you react if your wife asked you to read it? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm a woman but I have handed many a book to my husband asking him to read them. He takes them, glances at the cover, puts it down & never picks it up. The one I was most passionate about him reading, I finally got him to talk to me about it but I never did manage to get him to read it. Men don't read self help books the way women do. I think it may be a way to get the conversation started in an objective manner, as long as you stay calm. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 How would you react if your wife asked you to read it? I'd probably talk about my experiences in MC working through my own EA in the past, presuming this hypothetical is a different wife. Figuring prominently in that discussion would be the concepts of marital privacy and agreement about inappropriate behavior by spouses, this predicated upon decades of interaction with women who apparently believe EA's are not affairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 well, how would you react if he handed you 50 shades of grey and asked you to read it? I would expect that reaction from him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 How would you react if your wife asked you to read it? I personally like self help books, contrary to most, I read them more than my wife. However, to answer your question, it seems a tad passive-aggressive to hand him a book to read in order to get your point across. Perhaps a discussion, one where you make sure you have his attention, and then lay out what you are feeling, how his behavior impacts your feelings and then lead into how this book helped you and may help him too. I'd be more receptive at that point to read it. Just a thought and no, I don't know if you tried this already. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 well, how would you react if he handed you 50 shades of grey and asked you to read it? I would expect that reaction from him Well, I've not read 50 Shades, but if he asked me to read it, I'd think he wanted to spice things up and get a bit kinky. I wouldn't be offended at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I personally like self help books, contrary to most, I read them more than my wife. However, to answer your question, it seems a tad passive-aggressive to hand him a book to read in order to get your point across. Perhaps a discussion, one where you make sure you have his attention, and then lay out what you are feeling, how his behavior impacts your feelings and then lead into how this book helped you and may help him too. I'd be more receptive at that point to read it. Just a thought and no, I don't know if you tried this already. Thanks. I haven't said anything yet. I'm trying to see how I'd phrase what I have to say, without it turning into an argument. Things are pretty good in our marriage, but I really need to get this situation addressed. It's bugging me a bit too much to not say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Well, I've not read 50 Shades, but if he asked me to read it, I'd think he wanted to spice things up and get a bit kinky. I wouldn't be offended at all. Bingo. Even if you didn't read the book, you'd understand his intentions. I'm assuming presenting him with a book on EA's would have a similar effect. You might accomplish the same thing - and overcome any "too long" objections - by printing out a shorter article and asking him to read it together... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm thinking about buying the book 'not just friends ' for my H. He's not a WH, but I don't think he understands the concept of an EA, so I'm hoping if he reads it, some things will sink in. How would you react if your wife asked you to read it? The message that this is something you really want me to read probably wouldn't sink in. A frank, honest discussion at a good time would work best. Failing that, if worried about an argument, a written letter given to me to read, think about and process on my own would work. Link to post Share on other sites
hawkeye_pierce Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm a guy and wish my wife would read the book our counselor told us to read. It's pretty awesome and opened my eyes to some things that I had done to contribute to arguments. Unfortunately, I don't think my wife wants to do anything to repair the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Bingo. Even if you didn't read the book, you'd understand his intentions. I'm assuming presenting him with a book on EA's would have a similar effect. You might accomplish the same thing - and overcome any "too long" objections - by printing out a shorter article and asking him to read it together... Mr. Lucky Thanks. I think this is a good idea. He's more likely to read a shortened version . I just need let him know exactly why I'm raising it. I don't want to leave it too long or it'll keep playing on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Men don't read self help books the way women do. I think it may be a way to get the conversation started in an objective manner, as long as you stay calm. Yes. Trying to remain calm without getting too emotional about it is preferable. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump_No_More Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm a guy and I've read 'Not Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's a great book and explains very succinctly how not maintaining boundaries with the opposite sex can easily (and insidiously) lead to EA's and PA's. I think it should be required reading for any committed relationship. I've 'survived' two failed marriages that ended from infidelity (not me), so I think I qualify to speak with some measure of authority on this. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm a guy and I've read 'Not Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's a great book and explains very succinctly how not maintaining boundaries with the opposite sex can easily (and insidiously) lead to EA's and PA's. I think it should be required reading for any committed relationship. I've 'survived' two failed marriages that ended from infidelity (not me), so I think I qualify to speak with some measure of authority on this. Thank you. I will put a plan into action to have him understand how I feel. It will only eat me up otherwise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm a woman but I have handed many a book to my husband asking him to read them. He takes them, glances at the cover, puts it down & never picks it up. The one I was most passionate about him reading, I finally got him to talk to me about it but I never did manage to get him to read it. Men don't read self help books the way women do. I think it may be a way to get the conversation started in an objective manner, as long as you stay calm. I don't think this is true of all men or all women. I've read many self help books prior to her affair and after. I'm certain I'm not alone because I've shared thoughts about them before with men friends and have had great conversations that often end with them asking for a link or title of the book. On the flip side my WW has been reluctant to read any of the books on affairs that I have. But I agree that some men would not give them the time of day much less actually read them. The men that have been threatened by books like that seem to have something to prove in ther masculinity and have the attitude that "real men dont do that". Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Me - with a hypothetical wife (not my current one).... Unprovoked, I would wonder if she was unnecessarily worried about me and my character and would wonder WTF? Provoked (some concern over a female in my life) - I might read it, to see what her concern was. Now the more subtle way to discuss how affairs happen and the whys...might be to rent some movie dealing with this topic, and then use the movie to discuss how often PA's, start form EA's and why "some people" don't recognize whats the start of and EA.... just discuss the movie and subject in general. Then maybe...bring the book to him in a few days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I might be a bit peeved if my husband bought me, out of the blue, a self help book like The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: A simple, effective way to banish clutter forever or Codependency For Dummies or The Good Wife Guide: 19 Rules for Keeping a Happy Husband or I Love You but I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship or even The Break-Up Bible: The Keep Strong, Let Go And Move On Guide As Dichotomy says WTF!!! You cannot just buy the book and serve it to him cold. Have you actually read the book yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandylee1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Me - with a hypothetical wife (not my current one).... Unprovoked, I would wonder if she was unnecessarily worried about me and my character and would wonder WTF? Provoked (some concern over a female in my life) - I might read it, to see what her concern was. Now the more subtle way to discuss how affairs happen and the whys...might be to rent some movie dealing with this topic, and then use the movie to discuss how often PA's, start form EA's and why "some people" don't recognize whats the start of and EA.... just discuss the movie and subject in general. Then maybe...bring the book to him in a few days. Thanks. This is what I expected . That he might wonder wtf. He's not much of a reader either, so I definetly need another approach. Mmmm, I have a plan to deal with this. I'll update you on how it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm a guy and I've read 'Not Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's a great book and explains very succinctly how not maintaining boundaries with the opposite sex can easily (and insidiously) lead to EA's and PA's. I think it should be required reading for any committed relationship. I've 'survived' two failed marriages that ended from infidelity (not me), so I think I qualify to speak with some measure of authority on this. I agree with this, as apparently do a few others. I think a conversation about your concerns, followed up by a request to read the book, is just fine. I also agree that it should be required reading before any marriage. My wife said her affair never would have happened if she'd read that book first. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Ira Glass, son of the author, did a piece for his NPR show "This American Life" concerning "Not Just Friends." I thought it was excellent. Your husband may enjoy listening to it more than reading the book, and it may even get him interested in reading it. But be careful. When, eventually, I checked the book out from the library, my wife found it lying around the house and brought it to me with tears in her eyes, wondering whether I was trying to tell her something. Took a few tense minutes to get things straightened out. Link to post Share on other sites
Syberia Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I would be offended, personally. I would ask why you felt the need to dump a book on me instead of talking to me about whatever the issue is instead. I can't speak for my wife but I'd expect her reaction to be similar. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Unprovoked, I would wonder if she was unnecessarily worried about me and my character and would wonder WTF? agree with this OR start to think , maybe she is hinting SHE is involved in one. Link to post Share on other sites
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