How did you know your spouse was the one for you?

[Xelha]

I'm not married yet, but I keep wondering about this question, especially lately. How do you know?

[d0nnivain]

My mother swore to me that I would know instantly. She lied.

 

 

I met a man & the 1st time we shook hands it was like a bolt of lightening went through me. I was stunned & all I could think was wow I just met my husband. I put up with a dysfunctional relationship for 10 of the 12 years we were together because I figured the universe could not have been wrong. Stupid on my part.

 

 

When I met my husband I thought he was gorgeous & I was in the mood for something casual. He turned out to be the calmest most reliable most genuine person I ever met. Getting married was the next logical progression in our deepening connection.

[sumdude]

I don't believe in the idea of the 'ONE'. In fact there are probably millions that could be 'one that works for me'. But among billions on the planet they do seem few and far between. I'm now married the second time.

 

I can say that there are at least 5 major pieces to the relationship that have to work out.

 

1. Physical/sexual - without that spark eventually someone will get bored and stray or leave. With only this one it's a fun wild ride but cannot last.

 

2. Intellectual - You have to be similar at this level because .. well see #1

 

3. Practical-- oh yes, this compatibility is important. If you are are generally clean neat type you will not be able to stand living with a total slob for the rest of your life. Resentment will eventually doom things no matter how much you think you can let go of it. If you love to spend lavishly and your spouse is frugal or a tightwad then there will be constant friction too.

 

4. Ethical - You need to have similar codes of conduct, what is or is not acceptable and what can be negotiated. Can also apply to religion/spirituality, need to usually be somehow compatible.

 

5. Certain Common Interets - particularly in the way you like to spend free time. It doesn't have to be exactly the same but you need to have a few things in common here. If one is a health/sports/hiking nut and the other is a sofa/TV/Videogame type and there's no common ground... what will you do together when you're not working?

 

So I guess to answer your question.. over time you find that these things line up enough and you're both on board..

[CarrieT]

How did you know your spouse was the one for you?

By first learning the concept of "the one" is a myth.

 

The secret is - I believe - is realizing that people will and can love many and often throughout their life.

 

In regards to a spouse? Understanding that there may be a singular person with whom one can establish the best life feasible with that other person.

 

I am 50 and have married two different men but lived with six different men total. At the beginnings of each of those relationships, there is a belief and desire that they will "last forever."

[alphamale]

How do you know?

your knees turn to jello and you get googly-eyed

[Xelha]

Now, when I said "the one", I meant it in the sense that you chose that person to be your spouse... not that each person has just one person out there for them I don't believe in that idea lol

 

While reflecting on past relationships I realized that I was always settling, yet I wasn't consciously aware I was doing it. This time feels really different, though..

[xxoo]

It felt completely right.

 

The attraction and compatibility were both strong, even though we are yin/yang in many ways. We had a track record of working through problems together, and had mutual dreams of a family and life together. We were deeply in love. It just felt like "home": where I am supposed to be.

[Clockwork]

I don't think the instant you meet your future spouse you know right then. But you do get a different feeling about them. I know the first day I met my wife she just seemed....................different, in a good way compared to other girls. I remember how she would laugh, and how she'd sort of bite her tongue while she was laughing. I thought it was adorable.

 

 

I don't know, I told her two weeks into us dating I knew we would get married. It didn't backfire because she was impressed with me saying that. It worked too, I was right. 9 years later, here we are, still happily married with a family.

 

 

I didn't "know" on our first date. But like I said, within two weeks I did. Everyone is right when they say "you'll know". It will feel different, it always does. That doesn't mean you can't be wrong and you shouldn't see the warning signs if there are some, but in my experience I knew.

[Leetal]

I was faced with this question as well.

I agree that there is not just one person out there for you, but a fair few.

for me, it was ultimately companionship... yes I do believe the physical/sexual aspect of the relationship is important.

I knew from the day I met him that he would be someone special, and over the years this has proven true. I've never met anyone quite like him.

truth is. there are many factors that will help you decide whether this person is the right one for you - can you live life without them, can you wake up next to them every morning for the next 50-60 years of your life?, when they're not looking their best, will you still love them? when the sexual aspects of the relationship hits a tough patch, can you still talk to them about anything and everything.

I find a best friend and brother in my partner. I see him in that sense, coz despite the fact that some days you may hate your siblings, you stick it out coz you can't really do anything else. that's how marriage/relationships work, if you're willing to tough it out.

[Syberia]

Because we happened to be best friends already, and were both attracted to each other physically. What more could anyone ask for

 

(Yes, I know people say this doesn't work, and ruins friendships. Ignore them.)

Edited April 8, 2015 by Syberia

[alphamale]

(Yes, I know people say this doesn't work, and ruins friendships. Ignore them.)

It usually does but not always.

[Clockwork]

Because we happened to be best friends already, and were both attracted to each other physically. What more could anyone ask for

 

(Yes, I know people say this doesn't work, and ruins friendships. Ignore them.)

 

If a girl was my best friend and I had to decide between acting on my attraction for her and therefore risking the friendship if she didn't agree..................or just leaving the status quo and never knowing what could have been. I would choose the first option every time.

[Syberia]

It was the girl's decision, she knew I was too much of a [female sex organ] to push anything

 

Yet 7 years later, here we are.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Syberia

[BluegrassBaldGuy]

I just want to say that this thread is great. Keep the hits coming! Good reading.

[TexasMan68]

I saw myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with her when we first met. Plus she's a hottie!!!

[cocorico]

We realised we'd both fallen in love, and that we wanted to be together. We knew the good and the bad about each other, and still wanted to learn more. We had raging passion and profound intimacy, and still ached for more. We respected and relished each other, had intensity and calmness, depth and breadth.

 

Our core values were the same, but we didn't (and don't) agree on everything. We discovered we'd let down our guard with each other, and developed strong bonds of trust. Our families and friends approved of - celebrated! - the relationship. We never lacked things to say to each other. We could fully be ourselves with each other - and we wanted to be our best selves for each other.

[georgia girl]

I met my husband - first marriage - in my late 30s. He was my Mr. Now. Not my Mr. Right nor my Mr. Right Now. Just my Mr. Now. I was getting over a broken heart and he was the kindest, sexiest and smartest man I had ever met. Plus, he made me laugh. But, I wasn't ready to contemplate serious.

 

Then, he literally went flying over the handle bars of his bicycle at 30+ miles per hour. After he was evacuated out of the accident scene via helicopter, I had to drive to the tertiary hospital he was taken to and because I wasn't a spouse, they couldn't tell me if he was alive or dead. All I knew was that he had head and neck injuries and was asking for me when he was loaded into the helicopter.

 

I realized I loved him with all of my heart and told him so before they wheeled him in for emergency surgery. Five days later we left the hospital. It took us nearly a year to heal. Nearly two years to the day, we were married. I have already faced death with my husband. Nothing else even remotely scares me.

 

While not a believer in only "the one," I can share that through our experience, I am sure that he will be the only man I could ever love this much.

[Donate]

The unbelievable story of how I met my wife.

 

About two years after my divorce I found myself dating a lot of women. I also liked to travel, so I ended up meeting and dating women in cities I traveled too. I had a f-buddy in Chicago and one in California. Every once in awhile I would take a flight out to Cali and hang out for a week or so with my f-buddy. So one time we decided to spend a week in Vegas, which was the beginning of our travel adventures. While in Vegas we decided to take a nice trip out of the country to Japan. Sounds cool, so we planned it 6 months ahead of time to save up.... In the mean time I was surfing the net and found a dating site, I thought hmmm these Japanese chicks are kinda sexy, so I signed up and made a few contacts. Low and behold this one Japanese chick wrote me back and we started to email each other. After a couple of months things got serious and I decided to call off my trip to Japan with my f-buddy and instead take the trip alone and see this Japanese girl I was chatting with and emailing. So I went to Japan and stayed at her apartment, we hit it off and actually ended up getting married. Been married now for 11 years.

[Xelha]

Cute stories, everyone. I hope to have one of my own someday.

 

I've been reflecting a lot on past relationships these days, and I realize how close I came to settling... kinda scary lol. I realize that had I ended up with either of them I would've ended up miserable in the long run(possibly also in the short run:p). On the plus side I feel like now I have a much better idea of what my dealbreakers are.

[chomps]

I didn't know right away, that's for sure! After a rocky start (I almost broke it off 2 weeks in), he showed willingness to compromise on important aspects of our relationship. We both needed some work. We met in college. I was too aggressive and he was a huge pushover. Over the years, he's supported me as I work through my baggage, as I have with his. We agree on religion, kids, money, sex, which family members are toxic, etc. We've evened each other out a bit. We've been through some hell, but we both want to make this work.

 

Studies show that people who believe in "soul mate" relationships more than "hard work" relationships end up more dissatisfied and more likely to divorce. I think our mutual hard work and respect for our relationship is what makes us perfect for each other. (Oh, and Dr. Sue Johnson has contributed to our happiness after two kids TREMENDOUSLY.)

[Metal_Muffin]

We met in a bar, spent the night dancing and drinking, separated at the end of the night. The girlfriend I was with mocked him the next morning and I instantly defended him. I knew then without realising that he had managed to wangle his way in cause I would of protected him with everything I had from that point!

[aps61]

I was young, but not naive enough to believe in love at first sight or the "one" theory -I thought...I was in the last year of high school and although boys were fun and all, I was too involved in sports, and photography courses, and music and.... all that. I had many of friends that were boys, but - maybe because of that - dating was not a priority although something interesting and fun.

Yet when I saw him - not even saying met - everything felt kind of strange, strange = good, just not my normal reaction.

The friend that I was with at a party, that had been trying to convince me that we would be great if we dated and was that big hunk that all high schools have and all the girls fall for was basically forgotten to the delight of the other girls there - good thing we were really just friends and stayed good friends throughout the years - and I wasn't sure why I kept looking at the new guy talking to one of my friends. He was a regular guy nothing specially to note...except maybe...the eyes...and the hair...and the hands...and his backside was great too. I found myself surprised for thoughts that I normally didn't have like that.We were finally introduced after what it seemed like an eternity and ended up dancing together in a way that I wouldn't normally dance with someone I didn't know. I was wondering if I had been smoking something and didn't remember LOL

I don't think we talked too much that time but when I went home and my thoughts kept getting back to him.

I didn't see him again for two weeks as I was going away for the holidays and I was almost thinking that I had imagined the whole thing or maybe I had been really high, when we were back at school and I saw him again at the gymnastics meet.

We started dating shortly after. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thinking that I wanted to spend my life with him or something like that. He was just a boy that I liked and really enjoyed to spend time with. But even so there was a very strong emotional and physical pull between us.

It took longer to start thinking about future together, after all at 18 I didn't even knew if I wanted to ever get married or what I wanted to do. But as we got to know each other better we discovered some things.

 

We really enjoyed being together, do things together, go places together.

 

We seemed to have the same beliefs and many common interests and seemed to be able to compromise on the others usually without effort or drama.

 

We both had a nice sense of humor that came handy often later on when life decided to start throwing lemons at us.As long as we could find something we could poke fun at and laugh, we knew we were ok.

 

Things were really great sexually.

 

We had quite a few common dreams and goals.

 

We worked great as a team.

 

We ended up married about 4 years after we met after almost three years of living in different countries with an ocean in the middle. And even though we went trough many storms in our married life and some before, I still think it has been an incredible ride 30 years after and don't regret it one bit - Ok, I would prefer that some things had never happened or weren't happening, but I believe I would still make the same choice.