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Devastated beyond words


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Lovemyhusband2

A little over a year ago I was sexually assaulted at a bonfire. I was drinking and a guy pushed me up against a wall and proceeded to kiss and grope me. I was stunned and froze at first and then kissed back for a second before pushing him off of me.

 

This guy had no reason to touch me or think I was interested in him at all. In fact, I had made it quite clear I wasn't interested in him.

 

I didn't tell my husband, in fact I didn't tell anyone. I was embarrassed and felt violated, I just wanted to forget about it.

 

Well, my husband found out about it and wants a divorce. He says I lied to him when he asked, I guess technically I did, but I didn't know how to tell him. I didn't want to tell anyone.

 

I desperately want to save my marriage. We have been together 16 years and I love him more than anything in the world. I don't know how to be without him. I can't even accept he wants a divorce.

 

I am in therapy and a support group for sexual assault victims to cope with the assault.

 

My husband is set on this was a drunken kiss. That's not what it was at all. I was taken advantage of, I didn't want him to kiss me. I just don't know how to explain this to my husband.

 

He doesn't understand how violated, powerless, and demeaning sexual assault makes you feel. I couldn't accept it myself, let alone tell him about it.

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So sorry to hear about this. I think your husband honestly should have shown more sympathy. The guy forced himself on you and you were afraid and understandably, a lot of victims don't want to talk about traumatizing event. I would insist on counseling together to help with this. If he refuses and insists on getting a divorce before trying to work this out, then he honestly is not worth fighting for.

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its pretty easy. he caught you in a little lie, and now does not trust anything you say about it. Schedule a polygraph test and let him write up the 10 questions he wants to ask you...to prove that you are true only to him.

 

 

and the whole "is a polygraph a waste of money" argument...does not apply. he will think it is 100% accurate, and when you confirm that you were groped without any provocation on your part, he will be happy.

 

 

BTW, what were you doing at this bonfire party without him there to protect you??

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froze at first and then kissed back for a second

 

Why this part? Is your H basing his conclusion on this?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Your husband has to talk this through with you.

 

 

An assault is a crime. You blame the victim is a problem. To get a divorce after 16 years of marriage after a split second drunken kiss (which I don't really understand why you kissed back) seems like an overreaction.

 

 

Marriage counseling may be your best option.

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I don't think we have the full story. I know full on victims that if not in denile that did not require as extensive therapy, they wish they got kissed and felt up.

 

The lie on top of your husband feeling he failed his one job would be source of problems. If you couldn't trust him with this, I assure you he wonders what else haven't trusted him with. If can lie about something big, how many small lies. If fail to run too the one person on earth that's supposed to help you, how many other things has he been taking out of the loop for.

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You sound like some one who will not take responsibility for your actions. You did kiss back the random guy but your instincts kicked back and you broke the kiss.

 

Your biggest mistake was to hide it from your husband. If you truly cared for your husband you would have told him about the incident. By hiding you just made it worst and your husband no longer trusts you.

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autumnnight

As an assault survivor, I understand why you kissed back a second. I remember thinking if i relaxed, maybe he would too and I could push him off. And the male responses here explain exactly why you were afraid to tell him.

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I recommend you drag him to counseling. All of this stuff you're going through is in the textbooks and isn't your fault. He probably needs some education about this. Most people do.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

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About kissing back:

 

It's very common for someone being assaulted to feel overwhelmed, and comply with the attackers wishes as a way of avoiding violence and injury.

 

It's not at all unusual, and the greater the fear, the greater the degree of compliance.

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What they all said about complying.

 

I was assaulted. In theory I could have shouted and fought. But there's not just 2 fear reactions, there's 3:

 

Fight

Flight

Surrender

 

 

Because of childhood issues it seems my first reaction is to surrender.

 

When I was assaulted, I complied. I hated every minute of it. I said "No", but when he carried on anyway, I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and with as little damage as possible. I surrendered. I kissed back, but it was like my mind was in a separate room, looking on. I didn't come back to my body until I was safe at home.

 

This happened more recently with a small incident too. A supposed friend put his hands on my waist and slid them down to my hips in a shop. This despite me telling him very explicitly earlier that day that I was not interested in a relationship etc. I was able to be so easily assertive...up until the point where he put his hands on me. Then my mind separated again and I complied & did what he said (tried on a dress he then picked out). It was only some minutes later after trying on the dress, safe in the changing room, that my mind came back to my body again. I felt sick. And yet even then I felt unable to address what he'd done. All I was able to say, was that he was not going to buy me the dress.

 

 

So yes. What you say is possible.

 

HOWEVER...You did lie to your husband, for a long time. He will have picked up that something was off with you. And he will assume you have had an affair. Hopefully you're being honest with us, and not trying to cover up something.

 

Your problem is trying to convince him otherwise. And you may not be able to if you have been flirty with men before, or if you have cheated before, or if he has always seen cheating as a deal breaker. How can he know if you're still lying to him or not? That's the sad reality.

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Honestly, this kind of situation is a true test of love and manhood. And the hubby here is flunking.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

He should be at her side, solid as a rock.

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I am in therapy and a support group for sexual assault victims to cope with the assault.

 

He doesn't understand how violated, powerless, and demeaning sexual assault makes you feel. I couldn't accept it myself, let alone tell him about it.

 

 

 

Your husband needs to see a therapist that specialized in sexual assault as much as you do.

 

 

A therapist that specializes sexual assault may be able to help him understand some of these processes and issues.

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How did your husband find out? What information was he initially given about it?

 

 

 

 

That is pertinent info. If one of the other people at the bonfire witnessed only the "kissing back" portion of it and reported to your husband that he/she witnessed you two making out passionately and feeling each other up for 15 minutes, this is going to be more of challenge.

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When married two people are supposed to be one. While yes you are the victim, yes something horrid happened directly to you. Thing is, it happened to your other half as well. His reaction is anger after finding out. He has not had the same amount of time to sort things out and the main person he has to do such with omitted truth. He might even feel a bit guilty cause he let his wife go off drinking alone. He might feel stupid cause he trusted the event and people.

 

If anyone needs manhood questioned it's the punk at party attacking a married woman. If feel husband isn't reacting way desire, from his perspective you did not react how he desired. You got attacked by stranger, he got lied to by wife while others outside the relationship were privy.

 

Hell, your husband might wonder if wanting to go out drinking without him in the future is why event was hidden. Men have feelings as well. Like anyone they are not always understood or expressed perfectly. If you can handle things wrong in the start, then give him a window as well. One can not just say man up and trust me after lied and help me with my issues. A man is going to question the crap out of anyone that could deceive them. He just learned from third parties wife was attacked, he also learned his wife can lie to him every day without reservations.

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I was under the impression the husband was upset over being lied to, not mad at wife due to actions of uncouth man. Sorta hard for a man to support his wife through a traumatic event...If he is in the dark the event even took place. My projection is anger over the lie, not lack of sympathy for the attack itself.

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autumnnight
I was under the impression the husband was upset over being lied to, not mad at wife due to actions of uncouth man. Sorta hard for a man to support his wife through a traumatic event...If he is in the dark the event even took place. My projection is anger over the lie, not lack of sympathy for the attack itself.

 

A man who is going to focus on my fear of disclosing instead of my trauma has basically proved to me WHY I couldn't tell him.

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So he did not even ask why you had fear of disclosing the event. Sorry if misread the dynamics here. Personally I would be ticked if kept in the dark. Yet would want understanding why kept in the dark...So could move forward.

 

Still many worlds. Reaction to being told and finding out for self is a split path. Reaction for finding out for self could be very different then if was origanally told.

 

If couldn't tell from my posts I wish for things to work out. No blame, just going forward from a unique and extreme experience I wish no one to have knowledge or wisdom of.

 

My wife and I are a team. I would be disappointed if we did not approach things as such. I'm her support as she is mine, it would hurt if I was denied in doing my one job.

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autumnnight

So are we really saying that a man should focus on why his wife didn't tell him right away instead of support her in her trauma? Are we really saying that his anger at being "left out" of her nightmare is more important than her assault? If so, then I basiclaly give up because that is just pathetic.

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It's not that your husband doesn't understand the gravity of an assault, it's that he believes you are lying. You say you were assaulted, his mind says you're lying and covering up years of cheating or even an affair and who knows what else.

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autumnnight
It's not that your husband doesn't understand the gravity of an assault, it's that he believes you are lying. You say you were assaulted, his mind says you're lying and covering up years of cheating or even an affair and who knows what else.

 

Any man who asks me to prove I didn't cheat when I finally open up about a traumatic assault is going to get some select words. If he asks for a polygraph to prove I was assaulted, then he is going to have an EX by his name as soon as the courts allow it.

 

But then again, when some men are a hammer, everything is a nail.

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So if I find out something and press my wife for disclosure, that would be her opening up to me? Then if my wife that did not need my support during the entire time of not being forthright with me got mad at my level of support...how is that even logical. Then my wife wants to split hairs about omitting truth to me while trying to pump me for understanding she failed to come to me for in the first place. Your husband did not attack or lie to you, he is reacting to a situation beyond his control. There is no time machine, if can't both have understanding of each others perspective; how does going forward happen? I couldn't use something really bad happened to me in order to overwrite my wife's feelings. Both of our feelings are equally important.

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