VannaRose Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have been with my husband going on 13 years now, married for almost 8. For the last 4 years he gets drunk every 2 to 3 days and will fight with me for hours on end. Last week he went on a 24 hour bender, not sleeping, continously drinking and fighting with me for 24 hours straight. When he gets drunk I become his enemy. He picks apart everything I do, he says unforgivable things that he does not remember, convenient for him. I have told him we must go to counseling because we obviously are unable to deal with these issues on our own. What makes it even harder is the horrible things he says. Just last night I refused to perpetuate the arguement by participating. His response is that he hopes I choke in my sleep. He attacks my family, if I give my neice a ride home, or go to family dinner (which we have weekly) then I am not "putting him first". It is not like I bail on him to spend time with my family. He "does not know why I care about them". Yes I have had a tumultuous family life. Does he not understand that he is making it worse by reminding me of that. I don't understand why he wants to see me hurt like that. I have told him numerous times that nobody in my life has hurt me like he has. And the jelousy, my god the jelousy. I bartend, and often get hit on. He was furious with me that I would not call him everytime I was hit on so he could "come out and kick their ass". I told him that was not rational to think that way. His response "you must want to get sexually assaulted". Who says that **** to their wife, especially when he knows that I have been, the violent kind. I gave him an ultimatum, attend therapy with me or I am gone. I have gone to therapy once before for these issues. He downright refuses to go. It is getting harder and harder to stay. I no longer want to subject myself to his anger, I can no longer hear the horrible things he says to me. I fear I am falling out of love with him. This scares me, the last thing I want is for my marriage to fail, but I don't have any fight left in me, I am a shell of the person I was and the person I know I can be. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 So why are you staying? I can hazard a guess. You don't want to be seen as a failure because your marriage hasn't worked out how you'd hoped? You don't feel you could cope financially without him? He's destroyed your self esteem and you believe you deserve to be treated this way? Read your own story, if you were to advise a friend in the same situation what would you suggest? I bet you'd tell them to get out & move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 It's pointless to go to marriage counseling while he is still in an addiction. There may be problems in your marriage, but trying to fix them now while he's a raging alcoholic would be like putting a bandaid on a papercut while you are having a heart attack. The huge problem (his alcoholism) must be addressed before any other issues. You can't take anything he says while drunk personally. I know it's hard, but you must detach when he goes into these drunken rants. Arguing back or trying to prove him wrong is just pointless. Drunk people are irrational, impulsive and sometimes mean. Expecting a drunk person to think rationally is unrealistic. You have to wait until he is sober to talk to him. If he refuses to get help, you have no choice but to leave. Alcoholism is progressive, so it will only get worse if it's not treated. He isn't going to suddenly see the light. He needs to want to change, and be willing to put in work and effort to change his whole lifestyle and mindset. I am sorry you have to deal with this. The reality is, you will fall out of love with a person like this, and that's normal. You will naturally detach emotionally to protect your feelings from him. This is for your own protection- you are not supposed to unconditionally love someone that is mean to you and has no consideration for your feelings. It's OK to say "he is not the person I married anymore and I do not love this person". It's OK to say "I love you, but I can't be with you anymore". I believe we should give addicts a chance to change. However, that only applies if they want to change and get better. If he was agreeing to get help, attending meetings, getting therapy... I'd say to stick it out and to expect a few relapses. But he is not willing to even try, and that means that you need to focus on yourself now. Work on detaching from him, avoiding arguments (leave the room, leave the house if you have to) and doing more activities with friends and family. Consider Al Anon, as it will give you the opportunity to meet people going through the same thing. Doing these things will build your strength, which will make it a lot easier to leave. (((hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 ....I gave him an ultimatum, attend therapy with me or I am gone. I have gone to therapy once before for these issues. He downright refuses to go. It is getting harder and harder to stay. Unless you act on the ultimatum he will always, but always carry on behaving as he has done. Why? ... Because he can. He knows your threats are empty, he knows you won't leave, he knows it's all bravado and hot air. Time to quit the words and make with the actions, dearest. I don't think what you have for him can be called 'love'. You have a compnction to stay, and you probably pity him - but he is not the person he was, and he never will be, while you stay with him. He may not even change once you leave. But that's not your problem, or issue to deal with. Your main priority, is, and always should be - you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VannaRose Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 We both have problems with substance abuse. Mine is with Marijuana and not alcohol. I really do think he feels the things he says while drunk when sober. I appreciate your advice. I feel like I know what I need to do, our relationship is in a crazy weird place and leaving while it is like this, I think, will always make me feel like I have not tried hard enough. But I can no longer be with him if he can not accept that I am a flawed person, that I am not evil to the core (as he has told me). I am actually, normally a very calm and peaceful person. He is absolutely not the man I fell in love with, who was kind, and generous. I found a local counselor who specializes in couples with substance abuse issues. Because of the rager last week I told him that I will make an appointment for 8 sessions. If he choses not to participate then he is making my choice an easy one. This is my last battle, I refuse to spend the rest of my life in this dark place. And you know what, about 5 years ago I had reacurring dreams for around 8 months of an impending storm. In those dreams I could see the danger coming, never quite reaching me. It was if I was suspended in this moment of fight or flight. Now I know what that meant, even in my dream, I was leaning towards flight. Thank you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Time for you both to quit your addictions. He needs counseling/AA and possibly in patient time at a rehab. How bad is your pot addiction? Can you stop on your own or do you need professional help? Your marriage is extremely toxic and it's not going to get any better until you leave and he gets help. His abuse will continue to chip away at any love and care you have for him until you have hate and resentment towards him. He needs to hit rock bottom before he wakes up, that is IF he wants to stop and get help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Next time he starts this, record it on your phone. Record his shouting, insults and everything. Play it back to him when he's sobered up. Tell him he needs help and if he doesn't get it, your gone. NEVER issue ultimatums that you do not follow through. It makes you look weak. Have a bag packed ready and waiting in the trunk of your car. Be ready to walk at the drop of a hat when his drunken rage starts. Say nothing to him and walk. Have some emergency money in the bad and know which hotel your going to spend the night. Your refusal to engage him, will be totally unexpected. Remember, people treat you how you allow them to. DO NOT ACCEPT it any more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Co-Dependence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VannaRose Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have left many times during his rages. He assumes I am cheating on him every time I do. And I have never, and I mean never given him a reason to think I would cheat on him. He then threatens to kill himself and all that. I know he won't but it works to manipulate me every time. I think I have been threatening to leave for so long without any real consequences that he knows I am full of it. I don't want for this to fail so bad that I am allowing behavior I should not allow. I am afraid that if we are to successfully become sober that I or we will realize that we are not compatable, or something like that. When I leave to calm down on a walk he will follow me, shouting in the streets how much of a home and a bitch I am, and that is tame compared to what he usually says. I think I am really disconnecting from my marriage, not an attitude I want to have. Thank you all for the kind ear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VannaRose Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have so many recordings of his rants. He refuses to listen to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VannaRose Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Smoking pot is less about needing the drug and more about using it to cope with my problems. I started smoking when I was 13, it was a great way to escape my home life and the issues I was facing as a teenager. I believe I need professional help so I can find healthier coping mechanisms. Smoking just sweeps them under the rug, it is the band-aid on an amputation Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 If you leave for good that will probably make him stop and realize what he has done. As long as you stay there and put up with this behavior he will continue to drink himself to death. The best thing you can do for him is leave. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 My ex husband was exactly the same. I was stuck in the cycle you are in now. He made threats to me when I told him I was leaving. My friends and family all advised me to leave anyway. It took my son being assaulted by him one night in a drunken rage and the police taking him away before it was over for good. I wish I could go back and leave about 3 years earlier now! Before my kids were affected. He still drinks heavily and abuses anyone who is around. You either have to leave or accept that nothing will change unless he wants it to, and you say he doesn't. Life is too short for you to be living like this, don't waste as much time as I did on someone who treats you badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VannaRose Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Last night I followed through. I had a friend come pick me up shortly into the fight. I actually got sleep I feel like I capable of finally following through with the consequences I set forth. I feel a shift in my thought process, he has run out of chances, used em up! He has till the end if the week to decide to participate in counseling. If not come Monday I will file for trial separation. Where he will get another week to go. If still no he has made my choice for me. Thank you for the sympathetic ear! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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