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When the mother puts the kids desires before the husband


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LookAtThisPOst

I heard a talk show on the radio about how marriages tend to go down the drain when the mother puts the kids so-called "needs" before the husband and he becomes a second class citizen. It seems the kids soccer practice, ballet recitals, and the kids' social lives come above the connection between the actual married couple, and the husband is shoved aside like he isn't there.

 

This is likely the cause of many crumbling marriages. This could even go into the same classification as dating SINGLE mothers as they put in their profiles, "My kids come first and they are my world!"

 

Chances the reason she's divorced is likely do to the above reason.

 

If anyone cares to contribute to this, feel free to reply.

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In many cases, it is also the father promoting the sports and soccer practice to mold their sons into "real men" to the exclusion of the wife...

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You know when you have children it's a big responsibility. You often sacrifice a lot for them and those early years are very difficult. When I hear men complaining about the wife putting the kids first, it ticks me off, because instead of appreciating that she is often run ragged, it becomes jealousy.

 

I'm sure my H felt I put the kids above him when the kids were younger. I don't believe I did, but to me they were little dependants who couldnt do things for themselves and he wasn't .

 

Especially for a SAHM , they are so undervalued by their husbands at times. If the lines of communication were good and they both realised that they need quality time together, and they would make time for each other, I don't think those issues would arise.

 

What you end up with is the husband resentful he's the only one earning and feeling his hard work and supporting the family is unappreciated. Then the wife feeling unappreciated for doing the chores, dealing with all kids activities /homework /school parties etc.

 

There are many dad's who think their role is purely to be a provider. They don't connect with their kids and take little interest in the kid's activities.

 

Another thing in my experience is that moms tend to think of the kids more when making plans.

An example is my H would say 'Let's go to the movies tomorrow '. Then I say? "Whose gonna sit with the kids ' . He just didn't even think about it. Many of my friends have said similar things. The one that cracks me up is my friends H, saying she's putting obstacles in the way when he suggests they go out and she asks whose gonna watch the kids.

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I'm not inclined to judge/condemn a mother (or father, for that matter) for putting the kids first. Their job is incredibly tough, complicated and bewildering at times. You have to look at the whole package. Marriage and kids... it's a constant balancing/tightrope act for the parents. Not for the faint of heart. You're not always going to get it right. Mistakes will be made.

 

Resilience of the marriage depends on both partners' flexibility (willingness to bend, compromise, negotiate through all the constant adjustments), tolerance, communication, and lots & lots of love.

 

In all the chaos and lack of time to devote to personal needs, little gestures go a long way toward preserving the marital bond. Taming a sharp tongue also helps a lot. Learning how to "fight fair" because oh yes there will be fights.

 

It's all an incredibly intricate dance. And it's all up to both Mom and Dad to orchestrate the whole thing and get it to work. All day, every day. It's a huge accomplishment to achieve any level of success at it.

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Quiet Storm

My husband wants me to give our kids lots of attention. He's not jealous at all. He's invested in them and wants the best for them. He thinks I'm a good mom. He also knows that I make time for him and us.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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My husband wants me to give our kids lots of attention. He's not jealous at all. He's invested in them and wants the best for them. He thinks I'm a good mom. He also knows that I make time for him and us.

 

Same.

 

We both put the kids' needs first. We work together to meet their needs (he works more hours than me to provide for them, I spend more hours in person with them providing for their needs). And when that work is done, we enjoy our adult time together.

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This could even go into the same classification as dating SINGLE mothers as they put in their profiles, "My kids come first and they are my world!"

.

 

Um, newsflash- Single fathers say the same thing.

 

(And yes it's a dumb thing to say)

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Especially for a SAHM , they are so undervalued by their husbands at times. If the lines of communication were good and they both realised that they need quality time together, and they would make time for each other, I don't think those issues would arise.

 

I remember one memorable two week period when my two middle kids were small. Wife wanted to help a friend open a store so I used vacation time to stay home with the kids. Never been so tired in my entire life, couldn't wait to get back to work!

 

We both put the kids' needs first. We work together to meet their needs (he works more hours than me to provide for them, I spend more hours in person with them providing for their needs). And when that work is done, we enjoy our adult time together.

 

If you do it correctly, family time can also satisfy the need for adult time together. Plenty of time to chat while you're watching kid's soccer, softball, etc. Problems arise when the responsibility for those activities falls on just one parent...

 

Mr. Lucky

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No, you always put your spouse first. This is how many marriages start crumbling. How many posts on here do you see about "sexless marriages" and such? When you are keeping busy with things such as the kids' swimming/piano/sports/karate lessons it happens. This is part of being a parent, but the thing is, your kids need less of this than you care to think.

 

 

If you don't work on each other while the kids are young there is a newsflash, they get older and they move out. Then all you are left with is yourself and the spouse you didn't have much time for. Guess what comes next?

 

 

I always say, you focus on each other first. Then the kids. Look, it doesn't mean if you want sex from your wife you take her anywhere and everywhere and leave your kid vulnerable in the bathtub. It isn't like that. Kids have needs, and as parents you knew this going in. But you have to make each other happy first, because if you don't you can split up and guess who suffers then? The kids.

 

 

Always put your spouse first.

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If you do it correctly, family time can also satisfy the need for adult time together. Plenty of time to chat while you're watching kid's soccer, softball, etc. Problems arise when the responsibility for those activities falls on just one parent...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree, but would be careful about the word "correctly". There is more than one correct way. In our case, it's not great adult time to connect at those events, because the younger sibling being drug along needs to be supervised and entertained :p It's easier for us to divide and conquer, and meet up later.

 

So far, no problems here :)

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IMO, it's problematical when either spouse prioritizes the children above their life partner, notwishstanding the health and safety of the dependents. Children are important and valued and loved and cherished but the marriage is the center of the family.

 

Perhaps that's why I respected my parents so much in life, even when we disagreed, which we certainly did before their deaths. They found the balance to value and prioritize the marriage and still parent my often annoying butt to adulthood.

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"A small word of advice about having children: Don't."

 

Said to me by my father, a week before we got married....

 

My Mother and Father never referred to themselves as 'parents'.

They considered themselves to be 'a couple with children'.

 

Bearing in mind they married in 1953, and had my elder brother a year later, it has to be understood that in those days, the only reasons married couples did not start a family was because of some biological reason they couldn't.

It was expected of couples to have children, and many did out of habit, family pressure and convention.

But my folks didn't have a huge parental instinct, and I honestly believe that much the same applies with a lot more people, nowadays, who are reluctant to admit it.

 

There are many people whom one could judge as 'unfit to be a parent' and others who definitely really deep down don't want children, but still have them "because... well.... it's what you do, isn't it?"

 

We occasionally hear people on this forum say that their parents wanted grandchildren, and in some societies it is taboo to not want them... indecent, unheard of...

It's about time people were honest with others, but chiefly with themselves.

 

Parenting is hard enough without being made to feel you HAVE to go through with it, and sadly, I know many parents for whom having children has been something of a 'mixed blessing'.

I even know some parents who actually regret having had a family, even though they love their children. The relief that their children grow older, become independent and self-sufficient, is palpable, and some couples rejoice in their new-found and re-discovered freedom, once the birds have flown the nest.

 

Reminds me of a short dialogue on 'Roseanne' between our eponymous protagonist and her 'husband' Dan:

 

"Dan!"

 

"What, Honey?"

 

"Have the kids gone to school?!"

 

"Yeah, they left ten minutes ago...."

 

"Good! Change the locks!"

 

Who here, is going to admit that hit their funny bone and rang true at the same time?

 

(*Puts hand up*....)

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I'm no expert, and don't have kids, but wouldn't the ideal to be to find a balance? Not prioritize one or the other?

 

Obviously some things (not letting child starve to death or anything else to death) take priority. But overall? Seems kind of silly to pick one over the other if both are important to you.

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The kids come first.

 

Anybody who doesn't like that shouldn't have any.

You make my point succinctly.

 

I would venture the opinion that if one strips away the guilty feelings, (and the consequent fear of verbal reprisal) the pressure, the obligation and the conventional mores, an awful lot of people would be happy to actually admit they didn't want kids in the first place.

 

I've lost count of the amount of times I have heard grandparents admit they love their Grandchildren 'because they can give them back'.

And many grandparents become unpaid, convenient carers for their grandchildren, while THEIR children - the children's parents - go out to work.

I've met a few in my time, while I was running bistros and cafes, and it's been hard work for them, and not always a welcome duty.

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Reminds me of a short dialogue on 'Roseanne' between our eponymous protagonist and her 'husband' Dan:

 

"Dan!"

 

"What, Honey?"

 

"Have the kids gone to school?!"

 

"Yeah, they left ten minutes ago...."

 

"Good! Change the locks!"

 

Who here, is going to admit that hit their funny bone and rang true at the same time?

 

(*Puts hand up*....)

 

Ha! Cute, and yes I can relate, but don't interpret that to mean that I have any second thoughts about having kids. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

Parents first....kids first.....either of these can be successful or unsuccessful. What is important is for the parents to AGREE on a philosophy, otherwise there will be resentments either way. And also for the parents to have the common sense to avoid extremes in either of these philosophies.

 

Parents get criticized far too much. Everyone's got an opinion :rolleyes:

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The title of the post is "when the mother puts the kids desires before the husband" It doesn't say needs. I think that's an important distinction.

 

 

Of course my parents took care of my needs. They put a roof over my head, fed me, clothed me, got me medical and dental care when needed and made sure I went to school. Those things were what they considered my needs and anything else I got was considered something extra, not a need. I was allowed to have extra curricular activities so long as it was affordable, did not infringe on my parents time and wasn't something that they would be held responsible for. In other words I was expected to arrange my own schedule and get myself to and from my own activities. When I was 8 yrs old my mother taught me how to use city transit and from then on my parents did not chauffer me. My mom didn't even have a license anyways. The time they put into my education pretty much boiled down to them reading my report card and attending a couple of parent/teacher interviews a year. They gave me praise when those things went well and punishment when those things went poorly. Other than that they had no clue what I was doing in school.

 

 

My parents had no problem whatsoever letting me know that I was the low man on the totem pole in our family and that their marriage, their lives, and their household did not revolve around me. I was expected to be able to have a life outside of their constant involvement and supervision. Now I'm not holding my parents up as a shining example of parenthood as I think they did drop the ball and they probably should have been more attentive and involved with me. However I do agree that parents do not need to be directly involved with every breath their children take. Of course very small children are totally dependant and need constant care and supervision but once kids get a little older they should be encouraged to venture out on their own a bit and parents should still have a life outside of meeting their kids every wish and desire.

 

 

I think spouses should be put each other first. By that I don't mean that parents should just be out every night having a party while their kids are left home to burn the house down. I just mean that taking your spouses feelings into consideration and making some extra time for them when they need it, even if that means taking some time away from focus on the kids, is not a bad thing and the kids aren't going to go to hell in a hand basket just because 110% of your attention isn't on them.

 

 

I actually think kids are happier and more secure when they see mom and dad putting their marriage first and taking care of each others needs. There is less family hostility and fighting and the kids have more respect for their parents.

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I wouldn't have been happy knowing that I was low on the totem pole. I think that it's normal for parents to think of their children first - dads do it, too (I know that mine does, even at my age). They very clearly love and support each other, as well.

 

OP, I've come across profiles of men who say similar things about their children. I like that they think of their children; they aren't just out there not thinking about who they're bringing into their children's lives, and how it might affect them.

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Why does it have to be seen as one coming before the other?

 

 

Sometimes the kids come first, sometimes your spouse comes first, depending on the situation. Instead of having kids spend so much time shuttling from this lesson to that lesson to another lesson, why not slow down and spend some family time together? This fits the needs of both parents and children, and can help to build and strengthen the bonds of the family as a whole.

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The kids come first.

 

Anybody who doesn't like that shouldn't have any.

 

Except they shouldn't. Your spouse should. You were their spouse before they were a mother. Never forget that. But people do. They let themselves go, rest on their laurels, etc. Lose the spark. The one person you should love more than anyone else in the world is your spouse. If that isn't true, you are in trouble.

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I think this is a false dichotomy. Both partners conceived those children, both partners should put their children first in appropriate situations. Both partner should out their relationship first where necessary.

 

Problem arises when one or both partners haven't matured enough to accept that children need to come first for a period of time and that children represent a massive investment in time and attention for BOTH partners. It can lead to unbalance and one partner being forced to become the go-to parent for everything and the balance slips even more.

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Except they shouldn't. Your spouse should. You were their spouse before they were a mother. Never forget that. But people do. They let themselves go, rest on their laurels, etc. Lose the spark. The one person you should love more than anyone else in the world is your spouse. If that isn't true, you are in trouble.

 

 

When it comes down to it, it's probably not that someone loves their children or their spouse more. The love can be equal but different.

 

It's when one spouse loves themselves more than either their partner or their children that the problems arise.

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toolforgrowth

I have no desire to be above the children, but I also have no desire to be below them either. This is an expectation that needs to be communicated to your partner LONG before you have children.

 

My xWW placed no value on our marriage, so it failed. And my daughter comes from a broken home as a result. That's what happens when you place your children over your partner.

 

Here's another way to look at it: my xWW was so horrible, I looked my daughter square in her eyes and said it was never going to happen when she said she wanted me and her mother to get back together again. Crushing my daughter's dream was preferable to that.

 

My xWW even tried using that argument to get us to R: she said "the kids have suffered enough." Didn't fly then, and it doesn't fly now...not to me.

 

I will not be a second class citizen in my own home, and I will not sacrifice all my desires for everybody else's. BTDT, and I ain't going back.

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You ABSOLUTELY have to focus on the partnership of marriage. Its a mistake, mostly an unconscious one, to make the children primary.

 

Guess what? The children NEED the parent to be happy and solid.

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GorillaTheater
I think this is a false dichotomy. Both partners conceived those children, both partners should put their children first in appropriate situations. Both partner should out their relationship first where necessary.

 

Problem arises when one or both partners haven't matured enough to accept that children need to come first for a period of time and that children represent a massive investment in time and attention for BOTH partners. It can lead to unbalance and one partner being forced to become the go-to parent for everything and the balance slips even more.

 

I agree. It's a problem if the kids always come first, and equally a problem when the spouses always come first. I never begrudged my wife and kids during those times when the kids came first. I just ain't that needy.

 

And don't argue with me. I have enough kids to staff a infantry squad.

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