Going on 'dates' with H- he always talks about work!

[bebe23]

My husband and I went on a lunch date yesterday at a cafe. I was looking forward to having some one on one time just 'hanging out' with him, but I was again feeling frustrated.

 

He was on his phone for five minutes with a customer. When the waitress came, he pointed his finger to an item on the menu to order, after I'd ordered. (Head still connected to his cellphone.) When we were eating and talking, I initiated conversation, asked his plans, my usual question 'what's up', and he started talking about work. Customers who cheat him, tools and 'shop talk,' where he has to go for a project that day, weekend work, ad nauseam.

 

I have to say it goes both ways. I'm a boring conversationist with him as well. He's not interested in my true interests and hobbies, which are things I don't want to talk about anyway. (My hobbies are kind of quirky. ) So I always end up talking about the kids, the usual minutiae- (homework, kid A wants me to take her shopping for something, dinner plans, etc.)

 

The only thing I enjoy is that I'm out with him having a nice lunch, as opposed to sitting at home. But there has been absolutely nothing interesting, romantic, or exciting about our 'dates.' We saw a movie I wanted to see last Sunday night, but that was all. We saw a movie.

 

How can we make married 'dates' actually fun? How can I get him to talk about things other than WORK??? We have been married for 18 years.

[d0nnivain]

With lunch dates it's harder because he can't really unplug

 

On dates at other times, not weekday lunches, make a rule: no phones & very limited shop talk. By that I mean if one of you needs to vent, a few minutes is OK. After all your spouse should be supportive but otherwise you should each have a few topics in mind for conversation, current events, TV shows you have seen, movies you want to see, anything that has sparked your interest during the day. If nothing sparks your interest, expand your horizons at least on date night -- watch the news, listen to talk radio, scan a news website.

[hawkeye_pierce]

Sounds like some of the problems I'm having with my wife. She only wants to talk about things that revolve around her. Has no interest in what the kids do during the day. Never asks about my day. Only wants to go out on dates if we can see a movie or go out drinking with friends.

 

I've put an end to movie dates. If we go out by ourselves now, we go have drinks and/or food then something else where we can interact with each other. Movies make the WORST dates. There's no interacting with your SO.

[SolG]

"Date Your Husband? Let Me Start the Conversation for You." - The Idea Room

[bebe23]

"Date Your Husband? Let Me Start the Conversation for You." - The Idea Room

 

 

Thank you. That's a good one. I was even thinking of bringing some kind of card game next time with conversational questions or trivia on them.

[digdoug]

he needs to leave work at work. when i leave work i leave it at the door as soon as i walk out. there is more to life than work.

[badpenny]

Ground rules. You need to lay down ground rules, or else you might just as well not go out together.

 

And I am concerned you bracket your side of things as boring and unimportant.

You imply you take for granted that he won't be interested in you...

 

You find his behaviour frustrating.

You say he finds your life boring, and that your hobbies are 'quirky' (implying again, that he would find discussing them strange, odd or bizarre....).

 

Tell me, what brought you guys together?

What was the original spark that told you both "This is the one!"....?

 

You need to find common ground, something that will unite your lives, rather than make them run along parallel, but ever-distancing lines....

 

I actually find your post quite sad....

[bebe23]

Ground rules. You need to lay down ground rules, or else you might just as well not go out together.

 

And I am concerned you bracket your side of things as boring and unimportant.

You imply you take for granted that he won't be interested in you...

 

You find his behaviour frustrating.

You say he finds your life boring, and that your hobbies are 'quirky' (implying again, that he would find discussing them strange, odd or bizarre....).

 

Tell me, what brought you guys together?

What was the original spark that told you both "This is the one!"....?

 

You need to find common ground, something that will unite your lives, rather than make them run along parallel, but ever-distancing lines....

 

I actually find your post quite sad....

 

Why would you find it sad? We have been married 18 years. Neither of us have had problems with alcohol or drugs and would never have affairs because we made our vows before God. Yes, I get bored with life in general. It is what it is. We live a very simple life in a small town, and neither of us have known anything else. We have three beautiful children, who I've pretty much revolved my life around for the last 16 years.

 

My husband and I first met through a mutual friend when he was 20 and I was 22, and married right after his college graduation. He was my first 'real boyfriend.' I was a shy bookworm who focused on studies and didn't date much until then. He was outgoing, physically fit, decently cute, gregarious, and funny, and we clicked right away. He was the first guy who I'd ever clicked with after getting zero attention from guys all through high school and most of college. It turned out he was actually shy with girls, and he found me easy to talk to. He was into the outdoors, sports, mechanical things like tinkering with cars and other such blue-collar work, while I was into books, movies, art and creative writing. I guess opposites attracted!

 

I like to write and draw when I'm not at my part-time job (teacher aide for handicapped children) and he is a very practical and business-oriented man who doesn't think I can make a living as a writer. He's right, I don't think I can either, but I still do it as a hobby. I get discouraged because I've been a stay at home mom for so many years and I have very few marketable 'real job' skills now. I've always had low self esteem.

 

He also struggles with a mild case of PTSD from his military service ten years ago. We have been through some tough circumstances in our marriage. At my low point, I felt I was losing attraction to him due to his anger outbursts and irritability, and when he lost his job (layoff in the 2008 recession) and ability to provide well for a year or two. Since then he has gone gung-ho with his trade business as a contractor. Now he makes pretty decent money and we have no debt. I'm proud of what he's done for our family and that he's become successful. His contracting work has become his main identity and he's a respected man in our community. I'm just bored with MY life. It's not him, it's me.

 

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing what I can to put the fun and spark back into our marriage. We both are recovering from varying forms of depression.

Edited March 22, 2015 by bebe23

[d0nnivain]

I like to write and draw when I'm not at my part-time job (teacher aide for handicapped children) and he is a very practical and business-oriented man who doesn't think I can make a living as a writer. He's right, I don't think I can either, but I still do it as a hobby. I get discouraged because I've been a stay at home mom for so many years and I have very few marketable 'real job' skills now. I've always had low self esteem.

 

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing what I can to put the fun and spark back into our marriage. We both are recovering from varying forms of depression.

 

 

With this post, it's more on you, then him.

 

 

What are you doing to explore your writing & drawing? Join a meet up group for writers. Write fan fiction & post in on the internet for instant feed-back. Take your paintings to craft fairs & sell them. Also try to sell your writings / stories or even self publish on Amazon etc. Will get you famous or make a living? Probably not but you may enjoy the process.

 

 

When you are happier about you, you will feel better about your marriage.

 

 

Again. if the phone calls during your dates bother you set some boundaries about them.

[badpenny]

Why would you find it sad?

I mean, sad for you.

You put yourself down far too much, and play down your achievements.

it takes a special person to work with handicapped children, and you should be unlimitedly proud of having brought up your children too... no mean feat, and certainly, the role of a Mother is not recognised by society as a whole, neither is it acknowledged when the kids really come out fine. You should be extremely proud of what you have done.....

 

....

I like to write and draw when I'm not at my part-time job (teacher aide for handicapped children) and he is a very practical and business-oriented man who doesn't think I can make a living as a writer. He's right, I don't think I can either, but I still do it as a hobby.

And that's wonderful, and again, you should be very pleased with yourself! I also wrote a couple of books. Nobody else (in an official or professional capacity) has ever seen them, but I'm really delighted with them, and my daughter, for whom I wrote it, says it's one of her most precious possessions.

 

I get discouraged because I've been a stay at home mom for so many years and I have very few marketable 'real job' skills now. I've always had low self esteem.

It's undeserved. You sound a fabulous and very interesting person, and what you do every day, is truly wonderful.

 

He also struggles with a mild case of PTSD from his military service ten years ago. We have been through some tough circumstances in our marriage. At my low point, I felt I was losing attraction to him due to his anger outbursts and irritability, and when he lost his job (layoff in the 2008 recession) and ability to provide well for a year or two. Since then he has gone gung-ho with his trade business as a contractor. Now he makes pretty decent money and we have no debt. I'm proud of what he's done for our family and that he's become successful. His contracting work has become his main identity and he's a respected man in our community. I'm just bored with MY life. It's not him, it's me.

Please don't take all of this onto your shoulders. he sounds extremely focused, dedicated, hard working and serious-minded, but when a man is that professional - even during his private ad personal moments, such as these times with you - it's not fair on both of you.

He deserves time off.

Remember, nobody ever died wishing they'd spent more time in the office.

He needs to back off, wind down a bit, and turn the phone off, for one hour.

 

Let me ask you - if he were to disappear off the face of the planet for one hour, would it stop spinning? Would his work grind to a halt and would he suddenly find himself 'in debt' out of work and with no prospects?

No.

 

For goodness' sake, just for an hour or so, with the woman he connected with all those years ago!

 

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing what I can to put the fun and spark back into our marriage. We both are recovering from varying forms of depression.

Then do this together. Work together, support one another, and join up.

It's not ALL on you.

[bebe23]

With this post, it's more on you, then him.

 

 

What are you doing to explore your writing & drawing? Join a meet up group for writers. Write fan fiction & post in on the internet for instant feed-back. Take your paintings to craft fairs & sell them. Also try to sell your writings / stories or even self publish on Amazon etc. Will get you famous or make a living? Probably not but you may enjoy the process.

 

 

When you are happier about you, you will feel better about your marriage.

 

 

Again. if the phone calls during your dates bother you set some boundaries about them.

 

I do write and publish in online fic communities, and have gotten a little feedback. I have even made some online friends who have beta'ed and critiqued my writing and I'm still trying to learn to write well enough to be published. I've sold a few paintings (for nursery and children's wall decor) locally.

 

 

I think what bothers me is sometimes I feel like I come 'last' after his clientele and customers. He's working hard to make a decent living, in a field where he's on call, all the time. His mind is on work, which is understandable. But it makes for boring conversation.

 

 

I do have a few women friends through the school where I work, and church, but I don't connect with them much. I long for someone to have deep, meaningful conversations with. No one in my local area is that close a friend to me, and I guess it's my own fault because I keep people at arm's length with my introverted nature. I lapse into expecting my H to be my Prince Charming and soulmate, and I learned long ago that he isn't.

Edited March 22, 2015 by bebe23

[Popsicle]

Talking about work is so boring, and let me tell you, single people do it too.

 

You need to be able to emotionally connect and that's not going to happen by talking about work.

 

I would suggest to him that you two start trying to have conversations that don't involve work, kids or any other daily grind.

[badpenny]

I do write and publish in online fic communities, and have gotten a little feedback. I have even made some online friends who have beta'ed and critiqued my writing and I'm still trying to learn to write well enough to be published. I've sold a few paintings (for nursery and children's wall decor) locally.

Well you've done more than I have with my work! I even wanted to set up a little business knitting special items, and i haven't got round to it yet! Time I did, time to pull finger, 'Badpenny'!

 

 

I think what bothers me is sometimes I feel like I come 'last' after his clientele and customers. He's working hard to make a decent living, in a field where he's on call, all the time. His mind is on work, which is understandable. But it makes for boring conversation.

He shouldn't be doing this.

It's YOUR time together, and while I'm certain it's neither deliberate or conscious, he needs to be advised this is happening, it's unacceptable and you find it frustrating and demoralising.

It's totally unfair for him to dedicate all his time to his own stuff, when he SHOULD be focusing on you!

It would bother me a lot!

 

 

I do have a few women friends through the school where I work, and church, but I don't connect with them much. I long for someone to have deep, meaningful conversations with. No one in my local area is that close a friend to me, and I guess it's my own fault because I keep people at arm's length with my introverted nature.

Think about getting out of that shell a bit. When all your children leave home, you will have even less to focus on. I was always resistant to being 'so-and-so's mum' or 'someone's wife'. I hd my own identity, personality, character. And I had, and still have a right to have myself acknowledged, in my own right.

You need to reclaim YOU.

 

I lapse into expecting my H to be my Prince Charming and soulmate, and I learned long ago that he isn't.

They never are. no man is. And it's unfair of us to elevate them like that, with unrealistic expectations they can't fulfil.

But you have a right to have your husband's attention, affection and consideration.

It's NOT too much to ask, and should be given to you by right, without question.

 

Quit pulling yourself down.

Your husband is married to a wonderful, capable, talented, versatile wife, and he needs a bit of a wake-up call.

[bebe23]

Thank you, badpenny for your encouraging words. Yes, I do put myself down and to the point where I've allowed one of my teenage daughters to be disrespectful to me the last few years. I'm going to try to be more proactive laying some ground rules with H about trying to talk about things other than work and kids.

 

 

When we were dating in our early 20's, I don't even remember what we talked about, it's been so long. I think we STILL used to talk about studies and work, from what I remember! We also went on road trips or hikes out in the woods together, or things like bird-watching. We went to movies and concerts a lot, and we were involved in a church. I will have to try to delve back into my memory of 20 plus years ago to remember what was initially exciting about our relationship. TBH, I don't remember it being the passionate,'fireworks' type of relationship even from the start. It was more a warm, cuddly, friends-evolving-to-lovers type of relationship. There had been other guys in college I had huge, weak-kneed crushes on, but they were always unrequited. My first boyfriend who became my H was 'safe' and 'dependable.' He was a nice guy, which was what I had wanted. I saw too many of my girlfriends hurt by the bad boys, and was glad that I was spared the relative drama of those types of men, lol.

 

 

Our marriage could be considered the type that a lot of people want to have; the long-burning-embers, rather than the crash and burn marriages we see in today's society. I guess there are a lot of blessings I have that I take for granted. I can't help having this niggling longing for more 'excitement' but at 44 years old, I think it's a waste of time for regrets.

Edited March 23, 2015 by bebe23

[badpenny]

With regards to kids,

 

"In matters of taste, swim with the current.

In matters of principle, stand like a rock."

 

If she is rude and disrespectful, ask her quietly and politely whether she gets a kick out of being rude to you and smart-talking back? Does it make her feel bigger?

Why does she feel the need to be rude, to be rebellious?

You respect her enormously and can appreciate the difficulties she faces being a teenager in a place where not much happens (you were once a teenager too...).... Is the way she speaks to you something she feels proud of?

What can you BOTH do to forge a better liaison?

 

But she has to remember that she is in your house, she is your daughter, and she is your responsibility, so she follows your rules.

You will be happy to discuss some things and maybe reach a compromise, but there are some things which matter a great deal and being respectful is one of them.

If she chooses to flout the rules, there will be consequences.

(And she will find out what they are, when she steps too far over the line.)

 

Deprive her of internet access, or something personal she finds precious, like some shoes she loves to wear, or a blouse, t-shirt or jeans.

Take them away for a month.

See how she likes having to go without.

It seems harsh, but you have to stand your ground, and exert control and discipline.

It worked amazingly well with my daughters!

 

Be calm, do not get into screaming matches, and if she gets lippy, get up and walk away.

 

And of course, it goes without saying your H must be in on this, and back you 100%.

 

He's their dad too....

[MrWindupBird]

My wife only talks about either the technical aspects of her job, or talks about the grudges and rivalries with her coworkers at her job.

 

It's very frustrating, and as well, very easy to both lonely and annoyed at the same time.

 

We'll "talk" for thirty minutes, and it'll all center around her job. After a while, I want out of the conversation because it makes my head hurt pretending to always care. And I always follow to be nice and to be supportive, but after thirty or forty minutes of a one-sided conversation I care nothing about, I will start to sort of stray from the conversation, and she all of a sudden gets offended.

 

She's very career driven, and I've recently cleared my life to write another novel—hopefully this one works out. So I've been researching things like Eastern spirituality and all different kinds of philosophies and ancient histories—all of which can lead to pretty abstract and interesting sort of open-ended—but she wants none of it. Just her and her career. It's all she cares about.

[spanz1]

yeah it is not a good thing that you can only talk about work things.

 

 

try to forge some new bonds. find something you both like to do together, then go do it. that way you will have something to talk about--your new mutual hobby.

 

 

like if you both like hiking, you could talk about new hiking/camping gear, trails to take, trips to do next weekend, etc.

[Realist3]

My husband and I went on a lunch date yesterday at a cafe. I was looking forward to having some one on one time just 'hanging out' with him, but I was again feeling frustrated.

 

He was on his phone for five minutes with a customer. When the waitress came, he pointed his finger to an item on the menu to order, after I'd ordered. (Head still connected to his cellphone.) When we were eating and talking, I initiated conversation, asked his plans, my usual question 'what's up', and he started talking about work. Customers who cheat him, tools and 'shop talk,' where he has to go for a project that day, weekend work, ad nauseam.

 

I have to say it goes both ways. I'm a boring conversationist with him as well. He's not interested in my true interests and hobbies, which are things I don't want to talk about anyway. (My hobbies are kind of quirky. ) So I always end up talking about the kids, the usual minutiae- (homework, kid A wants me to take her shopping for something, dinner plans, etc.)

 

The only thing I enjoy is that I'm out with him having a nice lunch, as opposed to sitting at home. But there has been absolutely nothing interesting, romantic, or exciting about our 'dates.' We saw a movie I wanted to see last Sunday night, but that was all. We saw a movie.

 

How can we make married 'dates' actually fun? How can I get him to talk about things other than WORK??? We have been married for 18 years.

 

 

There ya go. It does truly go both ways.

 

As the number one rule, people love to talk about themselves. Engage a person about something they are doing or care about and just keep interested and asking questions and they will go on forever. That can include work. When you ask, "What's up?", well at lunch work is still what's up. Just because it starts off as work doesn't mean it can't pivot into whatever you want. You have to direct the conversation if you are unhappy with where it is going.

 

What you said above is that you won't let him engage you in what you find interesting(you don't want to talk about it). So you are making him direct the conversation and the easiest for him at the moment is work.

 

If you don't want to talk about work then come to the table with something interesting that you DO want to talk about.

 

I would have thought after 18 years together you two have worked this dance sequence out by now.