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For those who've gone off sex in marriage; why?


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Nikki Sahagin

Hi all,

 

This isn't a gender specific friend so men, women - feel free to reply.

 

If you're married and have gone off sex, what's your reasons?

 

* Health

* Loss of attraction

* Pregnancy/kid related

 

Or something else?

 

I'd be really interested to know.

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This thread made me think about things more clearly so thank you.

 

I'm a woman who's birthed 4 children (3 pregnancies, 1 twin pregnancy).

 

I remember a number of reasons why I've felt turned off: (not in any particular order & not all with same partner)

* being upset or angry from spouse's actions or words

* not wanting the critical analysis of the session afterwards

* no foreplay

* feeling ill

* no privacy or not private enough

* feeling totally unattractive - "unsexy"

 

Can't think of any other reasons.

 

Lion Heart.

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Usually exhaustion, or because baby is in the bed between us.

 

Oh, and shiftwork - that's a nuisance. It's hard to have sex when I'm in bed and he's working in a different country. ;)

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In the past reasons for me were :

 

1. Feeling tired and stressed with young kids to look after

2. Getting no (not enough) help with chores/kids, so ticked off

3. Financial stress

4. Resentful towards my H for all the above

5. Body image /feeling unattractive

6. Not getting enough out of it

 

The first 4 haven't been an issue for many years now. I'd say the last point is linked to the 5th one.

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Not my choice. My ex acted higher drive than she was to catch me, and quite literally after saying "I do" she started saying "I don't". Bait and switch. I tried for many years to change that, to no avail, so finally divorced her and found someone who is compatible.

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Usually exhaustion, or because baby is in the bed between us.

 

Oh, and shiftwork - that's a nuisance. It's hard to have sex when I'm in bed and he's working in a different country. ;)

 

Why is there a baby in bed between you?

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For those of you who have said body image/feeling unattractive, has your husband said or done anything to encourage you feel bad about yourself? Or the opposite?

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Nikki Sahagin
For those of you who have said body image/feeling unattractive, has your husband said or done anything to encourage you feel bad about yourself? Or the opposite?

 

Yes; this is an interesting point!

Low self-esteem/self-image would be a big sex killer if you dislike your body etc.

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I believe that many people [men and women] never intend on having a healthy, long-term sexual relationship after marriage. They do the bait and switch routine with hopes that their partner will not leave. Sometimes even going so far as to make their partners unattractive to others by making them gain weight for example. This way the 'cold' person does not have to have sex or worry so much about the other person leaving them for someone else.

 

The best thing anyone can do after marriage is to stay fit and healthy, continue to dress well and be generally attractive and leave before you have any kids if the OP starts to become cold. Do not waste time trying to change someone, negotiate or wait things out....the years will pass and nothing with happen except continued frustration.

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When I was pregnant I was so miserable and exhausted by 8 pm I wanted nothing to do with sex. He was so good about toughing it out that as soon as my body only contained 1 person instead of 2 he got daily bjs for a month straight while I healed up LOL

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Thegameoflife

Can't believe nobody said boredom. Sex isn't really that exciting. Other than needing to release once a week, sex is boring to me. It's the same person and eventually everything is routine. My wife is always willing, but I'm not that interested. Rather work on projects. Maybe I'm spoiled. Novelty wears off when you don't have to work for it.

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I'm happy to not be on this boat. My wife, young looking 35 is always horny. I make plans often for us to get out of town so she can let loose. She enjoys wearing sexy outfits and getting attention when we're away. I surprise her with club wear dresses and high heels which she loves wearing. I'm enjoying this ride :D

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Thegameoflife
I'm happy to not be on this boat. My wife, young looking 35 is always horny. I make plans often for us to get out of town so she can let loose. She enjoys wearing sexy outfits and getting attention when we're away. I surprise her with club wear dresses and high heels which she loves wearing. I'm enjoying this ride :D

 

How often do you have sex? Is it just when you go out of town, or are those just times to be louder away from kid?

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Honestly? Getting an IUD. We still have sex once or twice a week and I enjoy it but my mirena has killed that desire to get going. I wish I could get rid of it but it's the best birth control I've ever had in every other respect.

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My marriage became sexless due to my husband's illness. A sack of rock on my shoulder.

 

 

I am so sorry about your husbands illness. Not his fault but a painful loss.

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#1 reason for married people to go off of sex:

Marriage Certificate

 

Never stopped us.

 

 

Then having a child was supposed to. Nope.

 

 

Oh, but wait until you have the second one, you can do those same tricks with two of them in the house, you'll have less time. Want to bet? Two kids, both under 4 and we have sex a few times a week, meaning 4 times or so. Basically the same without kids.

 

 

If you want it, you'll figure it out.

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For those who've gone off sex in marriage; why?

 

In the realm of total celibacy, I didn't go off sex but, when the love died, it felt completely different and the desire for frequency died with the love. It became more like what my exW had spoken of many times, sport-fµcking. Nice in the moment but meh, the afterglow was like the deep black of space....

 

Fortunately, few men are wired this way so, generally, such issues like that won't occur. Barring physical issues, men are generally 'up' for sex. I think one tell-tale sign of my anomalous behavior was my dislike for 'make-up' sex. Yeah, making love was nice after issues were resolved but not as a band-aid to resolve the underlying issues. I had great difficulty separating the emotional content from the physical and, in general, this is not an issue for most men.

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I didn't go off sex in my marriage; I went off sex with my xH. We drifted apart, and lost the connection. And with the loss of connection, I lost all attraction for him. But my drive never disappeared. I remember on many occasions waiting for him to leave so I could masturbate.

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Thegameoflife
Never stopped us.

 

 

Then having a child was supposed to. Nope.

 

 

Oh, but wait until you have the second one, you can do those same tricks with two of them in the house, you'll have less time. Want to bet? Two kids, both under 4 and we have sex a few times a week, meaning 4 times or so. Basically the same without kids.

 

 

If you want it, you'll figure it out.

 

I don't think people stop having sex because of their kids. They might use them as an excuse, but it's not the reason.

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Too much beer makes a weenie limp... especially if it is 1/2 case/day habit. it's not my choice but sure is my H

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EverySunset

My STBXH was overly fond of secretly getting it from other women and then from a bottle of grey goose. I wasnt even third on his list... That was his computers.

 

I love the idea of intimacy. Marriage actually really increased my desire to be intimite, and have a satisfying sexual relationship. Next time I'll just choose my partner a little better.

Edited by EverySunset
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