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Does every man mean it when he says he does not want to get married?


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Hi, I'm new here so I hope I'm doing this right :)

 

I'm 22 years old and currently in college. I met my boyfriend in Italy (he was stationed there) about two years ago and we hit it off from the start. I went back to visit him and he told me he didn't want a relationship but that changed. He got stationed here in the states close by and asked me to be his girlfriend even though our long distance "thing" was very rocky. He spends almost all his free time with me and does everything I want to do with him with me and helps me where he can. However, he says he doesn't want to marry me for a few years. He thinks people are "too sketchy" and not trustworthy enough. Yet, he had been engaged before (she broke it off), so am I not good enough? He regularly tells me that I'm the love of his life and makes plans for our distant future. Should I move on? I do want to marry him and part of it is because I am graduating next year and want to work on the east coast or in Europe and do not want a long distance relationship.

 

Sorry for writing so much but any advice is appreciated. I do not want children or want financial stability. I just want this guy to be by my side forever.

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At 22 this guy is no where near ready to talk about forever. Will he change is mind, by 30, maybe but since you are already thinking about forever, you two are not compatible.

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Marriage is no guarantee of forever. Essentially, in life, there are no guarantees.

 

When anyone says they don't want to get married, and their actions support that statement, meaning they're not rushing down to get a marriage license or line up a preacher, then they don't want to get married. People who do want to get married act like people who do want to get married.

 

Enjoy the now and deal with the forever later. 22 with a military boyfriend stationed elsewhere in the world? Even more so.

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At 22 this guy is no where near ready to talk about forever. Will he change is mind, by 30, maybe but since you are already thinking about forever, you two are not compatible.

 

SHE is 22 - his age is not mentioned....

 

but in any case, 22 is far too young to be thinking of settling down 'for ever'.

 

Which I hasten to add, doesn't exist, either.....

 

Just relax, enjoy the relationship as it progresses.

Work together to make it work, and be happy he is committed.

 

Let the future unfold as it will.

You can no more force it, than you can oblige a willow-tree to become a christmas tree....

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I can't believe that you want to get married at only 22 years old. Don't you want to work on your career? I don't blame him for not wanting to marry so young. Stop comparing your relationship with his previous one. You are two completely different women.

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He didn't say he doesn't want to get married. He said he doesn't want to get married for a few years. He said this is because people aren't trustworthy. He's been engaged before and it didn't work out. Looks like he wants to take his time and make sure you are who he thinks you are before jumping into another engagement and a marriage. This is prudent.

 

If you love him, stay with him. In a couple of years, assuming no major drama, he should be ready. If not, you'll need to decide if you want to wait for him to be ready, if he will ever be ready, if you're ok with being a long term GF, or if it's time to move on.

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Ninjainpajamas
He didn't say he doesn't want to get married. He said he doesn't want to get married for a few years. He said this is because people aren't trustworthy. He's been engaged before and it didn't work out. Looks like he wants to take his time and make sure you are who he thinks you are before jumping into another engagement and a marriage. This is prudent.

 

If you love him, stay with him. In a couple of years, assuming no major drama, he should be ready. If not, you'll need to decide if you want to wait for him to be ready, if he will ever be ready, if you're ok with being a long term GF, or if it's time to move on.

 

Please whatever you do, don't be this much of a fool. Don't think after a few years it'll change or he'll change....the truth is he was probably and still is in love with his ex, you're likely a rebound of that.

 

You're 22, too young, too naive, too idealistic...if you want to be apart of the regretful old hens club, then keep doing and thinking the way you are, you're setting yourself up for a disaster...a shame you cannot learn from others and it use your head and what your gut is telling you...you're like so many women trying to change or fix men....never works.

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At 22 my mother had already been married for 3 years. Her and my dad will be celebrating 50years of marriage next month. If both partners know that they're meant for each other age is irrelevent.

OP- If your long distance "thing" was rocky and your main reason for wanting commitment is to avoid another long distance relationship then I don't see that this is likely to be a 'forever' relationship. Hold out for a man who cherishes you and can't live without you.

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Please whatever you do, don't be this much of a fool. Don't think after a few years it'll change or he'll change....the truth is he was probably and still is in love with his ex, you're likely a rebound of that.

 

You're 22, too young, too naive, too idealistic...if you want to be apart of the regretful old hens club, then keep doing and thinking the way you are, you're setting yourself up for a disaster...a shame you cannot learn from others and it use your head and what your gut is telling you...you're like so many women trying to change or fix men....never works.

 

You don't know how this man feels or how long it's been since he and the ex split or how many women he has dated since.

 

She's 22. It's not like she's nearing the end of her fertile years and needs to be married NOW in order to pop out a few babies before the alarm on her biological clock sounds.

 

He didn't say he doesn't want to get married to her. He said he doesn't want to get married for a few more years. She says he tells her she is the love of his life and he makes plans for their distant future. Considering her age, delaying an engagement and marriage for a couple years is a prudent decision. Fools rush in where Angels fear tread...

 

Look, the man was engaged and judging by the comment he made about people being "sketchy" and "not trustworthy" I am going to assume his trust was broken, the ex was not who he thought she was, and he is trying to the best of his ability to avoid making the same mistake again. Nothing wrong with that. Marriage is a huge decision. Not to be taken lightly or on a whim or because the SO wants to get married NOW-ish.

 

At 22 my mother had already been married for 3 years. Her and my dad will be celebrating 50years of marriage next month. If both partners know that they're meant for each other age is irrelevent.

OP- If your long distance "thing" was rocky and your main reason for wanting commitment is to avoid another long distance relationship then I don't see that this is likely to be a 'forever' relationship. Hold out for a man who cherishes you and can't live without you.

 

Well of course their "thing" was rocky! He's in the military. Military service tends to be very hard on a relationship. Long separations are common. Maybe he just wants to make sure she is suited to the life of a military spouse before he marries her. Maybe he wants to delay marriage until he is a civilian again and the OP has finished college before taking on the roles of husband and wife and, possibly shortly after, parents.

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toolforgrowth

Believe him. And appreciate his honesty and forthrightness about how he feels about it. He could have hummed and hahed about it, but instead he told you exactly how he feels. I would personally be grateful for that.

 

I've been married once. Got cheated on and put through the financial ringer in divorce. As such, I'll never marry again...ever. And I 100% mean it.

 

Here's an article that may help you understand why men are saying this:

 

8 Reasons Straight Men Don't Want To Get Married*|*Helen Smith

 

EDIT: I'm not saying that your man never wants to get married. And it sounds like he does, but that he wants to wait until you both are in a more secure financial position before taking that step. I think that's a fantastic idea; it shows he's responsible and that he has goals and ambitions he wants to meet first, probably both for him as a person and for you as a couple when you do get married.

 

I totally agree with MJJean. I think he's just being sensible and prudent. No need to worry about that. :)

Edited by toolforgrowth
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The relationship you have, is the relationship you have today.

 

If you're happy with it today, you'll probably be happy with it tomorrow.

 

If you're not happy with it today, you'll probably not be happy with it tomorrow.

 

The past is gone, and the future is unknown.

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mintcondition

Question: why should marriage be the ultimate goal? I don't get that. If two people are together, in love, having a great together, why does the relationship become a "waste of time" if the guy decides that he doesn't want to get married? Moreover, 22 is way too young to be thinking about a life long commitment. People are still discovering who they are and what they want out of life in their 20's. This whole idea that every relation must reach marriage status at some point is flawed.

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LoveMyHusband

No, they don't. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but based on personal experience and on hearing other people's stories, this guy means to say he doesn't want to get married to you. That guy will get married; it just won't be to you. Now, I could be wrong, but that's the most likely scenario. Break up with him and move on while you are still young. You don't want to spend another year with a guy who won't marry you. Take it from someone who married late in life and has seen it all and wasted so much time on guys like the one you are describing.

 

Tell him you are breaking up with him because you want to get married. If he wants you back, he will have to propose. Then, find someone who absolutely WILL marry you.

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LoveMyHusband
Please whatever you do, don't be this much of a fool. Don't think after a few years it'll change or he'll change....the truth is he was probably and still is in love with his ex, you're likely a rebound of that.

 

You're 22, too young, too naive, too idealistic...if you want to be apart of the regretful old hens club, then keep doing and thinking the way you are, you're setting yourself up for a disaster...a shame you cannot learn from others and it use your head and what your gut is telling you...you're like so many women trying to change or fix men....never works.

 

You are so right. I went through this vicious cycle for years and nearly flirted with the regretful old hen's club. She should cut him loose now while she's young.

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mintcondition
Break up with him and move on while you are still young. You don't want to spend another year with a guy who won't marry you. Take it from someone who married late in life and has seen it all and wasted so much time on guys like the one you are describing.

 

Tell him you are breaking up with him because you want to get married. If he wants you back, he will have to propose. Then, find someone who absolutely WILL marry you.

 

 

Jeez.......no disrespect...lol. That just sounds like the epitome of codependency and desperation. Manipulating someone into proposing by threatening to break up; let me know how that works out. It's so sad that we live in a world where women are conditioned to be needy, that under all circumstances you need someone else to make you complete, and that there's something wrong with you if you are not married by a certain age. Nice.

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LoveMyHusband
Jeez.......no disrespect...lol. That just sounds like the epitome of codependency and desperation. Manipulating someone into proposing by threatening to break up; let me know how that works out. It's so sad that we live in a world where women are conditioned to be needy, that under all circumstances you need someone else to make you complete, and that there's something wrong with you if you are not married by a certain age. Nice.

 

You're missing the point. I am not saying there is something wrong with you if you aren't married by a certain age. If anything, I'm trying to help her protect herself from being needy and instead be independent and not get hung up over this particular guy, which she appears to be heading for. The reality is that some women want to be married and they end up wasting their time with men who don't want to marry them and never will. If that's what she really wants, she should make it clear to him. Obviously, she just might not be the one for him, so I'm advising her not to waste her time and to move on.

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toolforgrowth
Jeez.......no disrespect...lol. That just sounds like the epitome of codependency and desperation. Manipulating someone into proposing by threatening to break up; let me know how that works out. It's so sad that we live in a world where women are conditioned to be needy, that under all circumstances you need someone else to make you complete, and that there's something wrong with you if you are not married by a certain age. Nice.

 

QFT.

 

If one assumed that I would get married again someday, they'd be wrong. I love my GF with all my heart, and could spend the rest of my life with her.

 

But I will NEVER marry her. I've told this directly to her face. And she completely agrees with me.

 

I am not willing to bet half my stuff (again) that we'll be together forever. Marriage is a bad deal for men and there are simply no incentives to tie the knot. No amount of shaming will ever change my mind, and will only further reinforce the fact that I made a good decision for myself.

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mintcondition

Oh.....I just went by your statement regarding marrying later in life and wasting time with men who didn't want to get married. I don't see how a loving relationship that doesn't lead to marriage is a waste of time.

 

What the OP needs to understand is that marriage is just like any previous long term relationship. You fall in love, novelty wears off, you become friends, or enemies, etc. People fail to understand that when people say "I do", thereby letting the government or religion into our lives, that doesn't mean that the relationship is immune from the dynamics of every other long term relationship. Think hard before you decide to tie the knot because you are taking on a full time job that's harder than any career you've ever had. It gets old really fast.

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Question: why should marriage be the ultimate goal? I don't get that. If two people are together, in love, having a great together, why does the relationship become a "waste of time" if the guy decides that he doesn't want to get married? Moreover, 22 is way too young to be thinking about a life long commitment. People are still discovering who they are and what they want out of life in their 20's. This whole idea that every relation must reach marriage status at some point is flawed.

 

Certainly not every relationship needs to culminate in marriage. Some couples are happy to be together without benefit of marriage for their entire lives. My parents never married. My neighbors have been together 19 years and own property as well as a thriving business together without being married. But, for some, that very public and legal commitment is a necessary step.

 

Why do we say a LTR without marriage as the goal is a waste of time? Because women have limits to their healthy childbearing years. If a woman wants marriage and then children, she has to find a suitable mate and marry with enough time left to conceive, birth, recover from, and possibly conceive again. Any time spent with a man who does not want marriage and then children is a waste of precious time for the woman who does.

 

Is 22 too young to think about marriage? Depends on the person.

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toolforgrowth
Why do we say a LTR without marriage as the goal is a waste of time? Because women have limits to their healthy childbearing years. If a woman wants marriage and then children, she has to find a suitable mate and marry with enough time left to conceive, birth, recover from, and possibly conceive again. Any time spent with a man who does not want marriage and then children is a waste of precious time for the woman who does.

 

They could be waiting a while.

 

Bachelor Nation: 70% of Men Aged 20-34 Are Not Married | CNS News

 

Men these days are not getting married.

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toolforgrowth
Guys are getting smarter. There's no need to acquiesce to archaic norms and traditions anymore in order to prove that you're "normal". Men are just not genetically programmed to nest.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with nesting. I think it has everything to do with how skewed divorce laws are against men. My ex wife had an affair, and she still got the majority of time with our daughter and a substantial child support amount, in addition to virtually everything in my house. I was literally cleaned out.

 

Why would I ever agree to sign up for that again?

 

This has been happening for years now, and men have been talking about it. Younger men have seen their fathers, older brothers, uncles, etc., all go through it. And they're saying, "no thanks."

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mintcondition

You just proved my point. You still built a nice nest (egg) for your cheating ex wife and her paramour, even though you weren't part of the nest. You were cuckolded. It's a terrible thing to go through, but a fact of life.

 

And here's what's really confounding: when a man cheats on his wife it's because he's a philanderer and a moral reprobate, but when a woman cheats the blame lies with the husband because he didn't give her enough attention, or he was verbally abusive.

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