mongoose2236 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My husband was first my best friend. We were roommates for over a year before we got together. I knew he wanted more than friendship but I never saw him as anything more. We grew up together and he's always been more like family. He's the perfect man and an amazing father. I love his kids more than anything in the world. I love him as my best friend. I've tried for over 10 years to fall in love with him but I just cant do it. I've stayed since he loves me and he's happy and I couldn't imagine my life without the kids. But i'm starting to resent him since I'm not in love with him and I feel like i'm missing out. I dream of him meeting someone else so we can break up, but he's completely in love with me so he would never be able to meet anyone else. If I left he'd be miserable and I'd lose the kids. If I stay then i'll miss out on love and never truly be happy. I just don't know what to do. Is it better for me to stay and keep living this lie as long as he's happy or should I leave and hope he finds someone who loves him like he deserves? I don't think he'd ever love anyone else as much as he loves me and I know i'll never find someone who loves me as much as he does. And I've been around since the kids were born they are my kids and i'd have no legal rights to them.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 No you wouldn't lose the kids. You would have shared custody and get used to not having them around 24/7. Divorce him. He deserves to be with a woman who loves him. To say you wish you'd meet someone else then leave, that's wrong. Leave now BEFORE you meet someone else! Talk to him, tell him how you feel. You owe him honesty since he is your so called best friend and husband. He's gonna hurt regardless, just be gentle and understanding to how he reacts. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I went and read your other post. So the kids aren't yours. Not a reason to stay... Though with that said, it seems you've allowed yourself to 'get close' to a MM, and your feelings have changed for your husband as you get more and more attached to this MM. This is called re writing history, many WS's do this to justify their affair. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 I said I wished HE would meet some else. Also as a step mom there is no legal right to the kids. And lastly he's always known I don't love him like he does me. Because I don't keep anything from him, even things like that. To be completely honest I've never truly loved anyone. I've known my husband all my life, been with him over half of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) The first thread was my best friend, i'm the Lizzie in it and he's Andy. She had me read it instead of just telling me (which btw pissed that it took this long for me to find out!) and thats how I found out about this site. I just posted under same account since I don't keep anything from her. But that's irrelevant. I was lazy, didnt make my own account. Sorry I didn't realize anyone look at previous postings. Makes sense though when your really trying to figure out whats going on and help. Edited March 13, 2015 by mongoose2236 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 That dizzying romantic love in the movies is not real. If that is what you are search for, it doesn't exist not at the level portrayed in fiction. Understand what you are giving up. Before you break your vows & walk away, try getting some marriage counseling. Maybe with a little effort you can fall in love. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 That dizzying romantic love in the movies is not real. If that is what you are search for, it doesn't exist not at the level portrayed in fiction. That in "in love" feeling has a name and a shelf-life, known as limerence and typically lasting 12-18 month. And while it may satisfy the heart, there's another type of love that can grow in a mature relationship that satisfies the soul. There's a difference. He's the perfect man and an amazing father. I love his kids more than anything in the world. Many people would lop off an appendage for a spouse and family like that. I'd guess, were you to walk away, he wouldn't be on the market for long... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I've been around since the kids were born they are NOT my kids and i'd have no legal rights to them.. I fixed that for you. They are not your kids biologically, but emotionally they are yours? Is their biological mother in the picture? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My husband was first my best friend. We were roommates for over a year before we got together. I knew he wanted more than friendship but I never saw him as anything more. We grew up together and he's always been more like family. He's the perfect man and an amazing father. I love his kids more than anything in the world. I love him as my best friend. I've tried for over 10 years to fall in love with him but I just cant do it. I've stayed since he loves me and he's happy and I couldn't imagine my life without the kids. But i'm starting to resent him since I'm not in love with him and I feel like i'm missing out. I dream of him meeting someone else so we can break up, but he's completely in love with me so he would never be able to meet anyone else. If I left he'd be miserable and I'd lose the kids. If I stay then i'll miss out on love and never truly be happy. I just don't know what to do. Is it better for me to stay and keep living this lie as long as he's happy or should I leave and hope he finds someone who loves him like he deserves? I don't think he'd ever love anyone else as much as he loves me and I know i'll never find someone who loves me as much as he does. And I've been around since the kids were born they are my kids and i'd have no legal rights to them.. You probably think that you have been honest with him about your feelings, but I can't imagine he would still be around if that were really true. I am of the opinion that you are wasting BOTH of your lives. Let him find someone who is truly passionate about him... and you the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Is this about sex? Are you craving a better sex life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I said I wished HE would meet some else. Also as a step mom there is no legal right to the kids. And lastly he's always known I don't love him like he does me. Because I don't keep anything from him, even things like that. To be completely honest I've never truly loved anyone. I've known my husband all my life, been with him over half of my life. You are in a very similar situation to my own wife. And I hope I can be a warning sign for you. If you do nothing, your resentment towards your husband will grow. You'll treat him poorly and he'll keep coming back like a puppy that comes back after getting kicked in the face. Eventually you'll seek out someone outside of your marriage, and probably start an emotional affair, likely followed by a physical affair. Start with some counselling and don't sugar coat anything. Bring it all out in the open. As a husband and a man, we need to be hit in the face with a shovel sometimes before we really get what is going on. But if you are truly unhappy, you need to move on. No amount of convincing from anyone about what a great guy your husband is will ever change your perception of him. You need to get out on your own and find what you think will make you happy. Good luck. My advice is please do not sit back and do nothing. Because things will not stay the same, they will get much worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 The kids birth mom comes and goes out of there life. She'll make plans with them and then change her phone number on them.. And as far as the sex question he's the only man I've ever been with so I don't know any different so that would be a no. I opened another thread asking what everyone views on love. I don't know if I just have a fantasy of what it should be vs reality of what love really is. I'm considering talking to him about just taking a break. As we've basically always been with together we may need to find out what our lives are without each other. And then decide from there if where happier together or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 A break isn't going to fix this. Breaks & silence are destructive. If you want things to improve you have to talk to each other & work together to overcome the issues. You are having GIGs because you have never been with anybody else. If you care about each other you have more than most people. Being apart from him will not be better. Get a marriage counselor. You don't have the tools to solve this without help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 And as far as the sex question he's the only man I've ever been with so I don't know any different so that would be a no. My husband is my one and only, too, but I know that we have great sex. He can rock my world and leave me breathless. I wouldn't want to give up our sex! We've been married over 20 year, btw. Sex is glue. Great sex helps create those "in love" feelings. If you were having great sex, you'd know it. If you're not, then why not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 There are many valid definitions of love, but this one is more meaningful than some: "Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) You know what they say, the grass is always greener. Talk until you have exhausted everything. Separating first is a bad move, unless you are fighting so much it's become unhealthy for your kids. Stop saying they are not yours, they are. You are mainly their mother. I say that not to keep you in an unhappy marriage, rather to give you a reason to make more effort with him before you up and leave. Edited March 14, 2015 by Rainbowlove 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 I feel more like a possession to him than a partner. He thinks he can buy us things and that should be enough. I tell him everything but he doesn't really listen or acts bored. He doesn't comfort me when i'm down or stand up for me when his family talks down to me. He can't tell the difference between my faking happy vs actually happy. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him constantly. We work different shifts so we only see eachother twice a week awake. There's absolutely no affection in our marriage. He talks down to me constantly and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. On paper yes he's the perfect guy, and i'm always told how "lucky" I am. I know he loves us he just has never been good at showing it. He blows all his money on these gifts that i'm supposed to be happy with and leaves me to pay all the bills. I've got more pairs of earrings than anyone would ever need, and I don't even have my ears pierced! And yes, he was my best friend for my basically my entire life but anymore I more say he's my best friend out of habit. I miss the friend he used to be. I actually havent thought of him as a friend at all for a few years now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 You are in a very similar situation to my own wife. And I hope I can be a warning sign for you. If you do nothing, your resentment towards your husband will grow. You'll treat him poorly and he'll keep coming back like a puppy that comes back after getting kicked in the face. Eventually you'll seek out someone outside of your marriage, and probably start an emotional affair, likely followed by a physical affair. Start with some counselling and don't sugar coat anything. Bring it all out in the open. As a husband and a man, we need to be hit in the face with a shovel sometimes before we really get what is going on. But if you are truly unhappy, you need to move on. No amount of convincing from anyone about what a great guy your husband is will ever change your perception of him. You need to get out on your own and find what you think will make you happy. Good luck. My advice is please do not sit back and do nothing. Because things will not stay the same, they will get much worse. I looked up your thread and it's remarkably the same. He's the outdoorsy sit in the quiet and fish/hunt type. He's not outgoing and always comes off in a judgmental i'm better than everyone attitude. He's happiest alone or with one or two of his buddies just hanging out. Where i'm the complete opposite. I'm very outgoing and social. I love loud clubs, meeting new people, and seeing new things. We let each other do our own things, we've even gone on separate vacations before. He likes hot beaches where I like cold snowy mountains. We truly are complete opposites but that Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I feel more like a possession to him than a partner. He thinks he can buy us things and that should be enough. I tell him everything but he doesn't really listen or acts bored. He doesn't comfort me when i'm down or stand up for me when his family talks down to me. He can't tell the difference between my faking happy vs actually happy. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him constantly. We work different shifts so we only see eachother twice a week awake. There's absolutely no affection in our marriage. He talks down to me constantly and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. On paper yes he's the perfect guy, and i'm always told how "lucky" I am. I know he loves us he just has never been good at showing it. He blows all his money on these gifts that i'm supposed to be happy with and leaves me to pay all the bills. I've got more pairs of earrings than anyone would ever need, and I don't even have my ears pierced! And yes, he was my best friend for my basically my entire life but anymore I more say he's my best friend out of habit. I miss the friend he used to be. I actually havent thought of him as a friend at all for a few years now. In just twenty four hours, your husband has become ^^^this^^^, as opposed to "He's the perfect man and an amazing father". No offense, but it does sound like you're rewriting history to justify something that you're considering doing. Do him a favor and let him go first. I'm guessing he won't be surprised. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 These and arranged marriages are actually the type of marriages that last the longest. Why? Because they started out that way (as functional only) so when you get pangs of wanting more they are easier to override. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 My answer advice remains get marriage counseling if you hope to resolve this. If you are simply done & don't even have the energy to try then just leave. However, since you say he was your best friend & you do seem to care for the kids, put in some effort before you throw in the towel. Given what you seek: more affection & some conversation I think with a little professional intervention & some effort on both parts -- yours and his -- you may end up with a great marriage. I recommend you read two books: The Care & Feeding of a Marriage & the 5 Languages of Love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mongoose2236 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 In just twenty four hours, your husband has become ^^^this^^^, as opposed to "He's the perfect man and an amazing father". No offense, but it does sound like you're rewriting history to justify something that you're considering doing. Do him a favor and let him go first. I'm guessing he won't be surprised. On paper he is the perfect man. But nobody is really perfect. I was mad when I wrote that post.. I don't like to talk down about him, i'd rather be the bad one. And how would I possibly be re writting history? My history is him. He was my neighbor my entire life until we moved in to our own place. I've never been with anyone but him. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 well if you have already decided you want to separate or divorce, how about asking him for a hall pass to have some sex with someone else. The marriage is basically over anyway, and by having sex with another men, you might actually save the basic marriage. Just don't cheat about it, get permission. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 In just twenty four hours, your husband has become ^^^this^^^, as opposed to "He's the perfect man and an amazing father". On paper he is the perfect man. But nobody is really perfect. I was mad when I wrote that post.. I don't like to talk down about him, i'd rather be the bad one. I agree with MWUSA, almost sounds like you're talking about two different people. And If your perception of your marriage - and I'm guessing your moods and actions - change so abruptly, you might need to think about the role you play in the disconnect. He may have as many reasons to pull back as you do... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) I feel more like a possession to him than a partner. Have you expressed this to him? I know you may think he should know this, but you'll have to spell it out for him. You need to talk to him about this.Explain how you feel to him. stand up for me when his family talks down to me. This is unacceptable. Call him on it and tell him what you need him to do in this situation. . I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him constantly. There's absolutely no affection in our marriage. He talks down to me constantly and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. He blows all his money on these gifts that i'm supposed to be happy with and leaves me to pay all the bills. Do you mean that you deal with bill payments? Or that you have to use yours money to pay the bills? If so you need to discuss finances properly. . I find generally that you have to spell things out to men. As you don't see much with shift work. Why not try writing or emailing him, letting him know how you feel. With all the bolded above, give examples of what you mean and when those things happened, stating the impact his words and actions have on you. Where applicable take responsibility for your actions, because it's very rare that 100% of the issues are with one person. Express that you love him and miss what you used to have and that you really want the both of you to work on the marriage to make it a happy one. Suggest marriage counselling as a start. If you do this and he doesn't take action or blame shifts, then quite frankly you'll know he doesn't care and you can take appropriate action from there on. Edited March 15, 2015 by sandylee1 Link to post Share on other sites
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