UPDATE- about my husband doing basic chores.

[Emerald_11]

Here is a link to my original thread I started:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/502831-my-husband-thinks-chores-just-women-so-exhausting

 

 

Hello everyone & thanks for all of the very helpful advice!

 

 

So- I have spoken to my husband many times since I first posted this thread and I thought things were going a little better. This issue comes up often so I would use those opportunities to mention little things such as my busy schedule, not being a SAHM anymore etc...I asked him to help me enforce our children's chores before they get to do fun activities, or have privileges and that has been helping. Also I told my husband part of my issue about the bed being made is to keep the sheets cleaner and I mentioned the spider paranoia issue. & He has been making the bed when he gets up after me! So that's an improvement! & things have been getting better lately.

My husband and I have talked about marriage counseling but have not gone yet because my husband doesn't want to pay for it. For the same reason he does not want to hire maid service- doesn't want to help pay for it also he said some maid service people might steal things out of the house.

He still has made absolutely no effort to do laundry or dishes though. I have let the laundry & dishes pile up a few times (when I was really tired) on days when my husband was home and I never saw any evidence that any laundry or dishes get done unless I do them or my daughter does.

 

 

Yesterday our son had to stay home from school because he was really sick and had been throwing up. I had to go to school and I had a really big test that day. My husband happened to be available and he has a much more flexible schedule so he said he would stay home with our son. So I went to school & when I got back apparently my son had thrown up on his bedding which was removed from his bed and in a ball on the floor. Also my husband informed me that my son had thrown up on the bathroom floor. I went and looked and it was still there!! I guess it had happened about an hour or so before I got there. I just couldn't believe he left the mess for me to clean!!

 

 

& this is the part that really upsets me......My son was sleeping on & off for most of the day & my husband said he was sort of bored and was talking to and hanging out with the neighbor. Then our neighbors girlfriend came over and my husband helped her boyfriend wash her car. --So he felt so bored that he decided to wash someone's car while he was leaving our kids puke on the floor for me to clean!?! this seems pretty messed up- I mean -why didn't he just wipe it up? Why didn't he put the blankets in the washer? This is not normal is it? Most husbands would have cleaned up after their sick child right??

Obviously I was upset and I told my husband it was really gross that he left the mess just to tell me about it so I could clean it when he was the one who was available that day. Also there was a huge mess in the kitchen that was not there that morning before I left. I pointed it out to him and asked him why he washed a car instead of clean up inside first? He said because it was a nice day & he would rather be out in the sun. I asked my husband when was the last time you washed MY car? & he couldn't remember- & neither can I.

 

 

I am beginning to think there is more to this whole thing than just being lazy. Does this mean he is having a power trip?

(BTW- like many posters on here suggested-he was raised by parents who believe this way- woman's work / men's work. My husbands dad -my father in law does not do housework- not even cooking. Also it is quite obvious to me that his mother did a lot for him while he lived at home like his laundry etc...)

I am so sick of being told I am a NAG when I try to explain how ridiculous I think this is! I don't think my expectations are unreasonable! He is fully capable of doing dishes-its not like he has to scrub them by hand we have a dishwasher & I know he can do laundry. He just chooses not to for some reason.

What should I do? Insist on marriage counseling? I really think it might help & I know he is just making excuses not to go. And more excuses not to hire a maid to solve this problem.

Do you guys think I am making too big a deal about this or would you be upset too?

 

 

Super frustrated!!

[CarrieT]

I don't think you are making a big deal out of it at all and - frankly - I wouldn't stay married to someone like this...

[Emerald_11]

After I asked my husband about leaving the mess for me he said he had to go someplace with the neighbor. So he left almost immediately after I arrived home. I found out later that the neighbor brought my husband to someone's house to buy pills. As mentioned before in other threads my husband does like pills. Lately I see how they take priority over other things he could be spending money buying.

[CarrieT]

As mentioned before in other threads my husband does like pills. Lately I see how they take priority over other things he could be spending money buying.

 

I am curious why you are staying in a relationship with a pill addict who is so disrespectful towards you.

[whichwayisup]

After I asked my husband about leaving the mess for me he said he had to go someplace with the neighbor. So he left almost immediately after I arrived home. I found out later that the neighbor brought my husband to someone's house to buy pills. As mentioned before in other threads my husband does like pills. Lately I see how they take priority over other things he could be spending money buying.

 

SO he left your sick son, who was throwing up alone?

 

Yes I would do marriage counseling with him and let him know he has no choice but to go if he wants to stay married to you. He is NOT a present father. Who goes off to do something else while looking after a sick child?! To get pills with the neighbour!! You have every right to be upset! And leaving a mess for you to clean up! Not do the laundry that was vomited on or clean up barf on the floor. Irresponsible.

[Emerald_11]

SO he left your sick son, who was throwing up alone?

 

 

 

He was right outside in front of our place washing a car while my son was sleeping inside. He did not leave with the neighbor until after I was home with my son. But yes he did leave him unattended inside for a bit while he was outside but says he was just sleeping. But obviously my son was not just sleeping he was getting sick all over the place.

[whichwayisup]

He was right outside in front of our place washing a car while my son was sleeping inside. He did not leave with the neighbor until after I was home with my son. But yes he did leave him unattended inside for a bit while he was outside but says he was just sleeping. But obviously my son was not just sleeping he was getting sick all over the place.

 

So if your son yelled out to him, his dad couldn't hear.

 

This makes me sad and your poor son. Kids need their parents when they are sick, throwing up is scary for a child.

 

My mom or dad used to sit with me and hold my head when I was sick. It's so rare I throw up, but even now as an adult it freaks me out and I hate it, my H sits with me and holds my head.

 

Is your H sorry? Showing remorse for making a selfish and stupid choice? Is he sorry for not cleaning up and leaving the mess for you?

 

He's a work in progress it seems, but this is going to get old real fast if you can't trust him to be there for your kids when you're not home to tend to them.

[beach]

After I asked my husband about leaving the mess for me he said he had to go someplace with the neighbor. So he left almost immediately after I arrived home. I found out later that the neighbor brought my husband to someone's house to buy pills. As mentioned before in other threads my husband does like pills. Lately I see how they take priority over other things he could be spending money buying.

 

Ya, like a house cleaner or someone to help you.

 

I must ask - why are you staying with him?

 

He's addicted to drugs and buys them illegally.

 

He doesn't consider you or your feelings.

 

God, wouldn't it be easier being on your own? At least you wouldn't have resistance against you every day.

 

All you have written about him shows he has many, many things you should be totally concerned about, yet you don't change it.

 

I hope you will change all of it - that's like living in hell! I hope you left the throw up for him to clean up!!! He's an irresponsible mean man.

[Emerald_11]

So if your son yelled out to him, his dad couldn't hear.

 

This makes me sad and your poor son. Kids need their parents when they are sick, throwing up is scary for a child.

 

My mom or dad used to sit with me and hold my head when I was sick. It's so rare I throw up, but even now as an adult it freaks me out and I hate it, my H sits with me and holds my head.

 

Is your H sorry? Showing remorse for making a selfish and stupid choice? Is he sorry for not cleaning up and leaving the mess for you?

 

He's a work in progress it seems, but this is going to get old real fast if you can't trust him to be there for your kids when you're not home to tend to them.

 

Yes, this is why this part was upsetting. I was very sad for my son too. He was really not feeling good at all. I wish I could have stayed home with him instead. Our son was left unattended while H entertained himself by washing a car for someone else-while there were plenty of things he could have cleaned to keep busy around OUR place. The boyfriend could have washed the car with the girlfriend and my husband could have been where he should have been- at home with our son. Lately he has been hanging out with our neighbor almost every day - probably because he knows where to get pills from.....

My H does not think he did anything wrong. He has not said sorry & he probably wont. If I press for an apology or keep bringing it up He usually turns it around on me- I imagine that to him I am the one who is acting like a crazy nagging bitch when I express any concerns. I think I have really valid points. When I asked him why he left the mess for me & didn't just take care of it he left really abruptly.

Until this incident happened just this week things seemed to be improving a little in this department. My son getting sick seems to have been a test for my husband & sadly I don't think he passed-- It makes me wonder --what if I get really sick? Will he be there for me? --sort of questions.

[whichwayisup]

You need to do some serious soul searching about what it is you want out of your marriage and if your husband is capable of being a good responsible father and a good husband to you. So far he hasn't shown he can be reliable or make you or your son feel safe and secure.

 

He has a pill problem. He's lazy, immature and irresponsible. He isn't investing in growing and becoming a family unit, he wants to have fun ON the expense of your and your son.

 

Love isn't enough.

 

Maybe it's time to separate and let him know how serious this is, that things cannot go on like they have been.

[beach]

All of your threads are the same. Your H has been abusive and neglectful to you... Leaving you with most of the responsibilities but always complaining to you.

 

 

When will it be enough to break free?

[Els]

All of your threads are the same. Your H has been abusive and neglectful to you... Leaving you with most of the responsibilities but always complaining to you.

 

 

When will it be enough to break free?

 

I agree completely.

 

I hate to say this, but OP, at some point this situation becomes partly your own fault as well - you are enabling his behaviour. You need to show him that you mean business and that you really WILL leave unless he makes a drastic and permanent change.

[Emerald_11]

Ya, like a house cleaner or someone to help you.

 

I must ask - why are you staying with him?

 

He's addicted to drugs and buys them illegally.

 

He doesn't consider you or your feelings.

 

God, wouldn't it be easier being on your own? At least you wouldn't have resistance against you every day.

 

All you have written about him shows he has many, many things you should be totally concerned about, yet you don't change it.

 

I hope you will change all of it - that's like living in hell! I hope you left the throw up for him to clean up!!! He's an irresponsible mean man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am concerned about a few things and have been actively working on to change them for the better. However I see how my husband needs to play a huge role in this not just me. Nothing will change unless he changes because his behavior is what I have problems with.

& of course I ended up cleaning up the puke mess since my daughter was on her way home from school and would need to use the bathroom at some point. & my husband was off with his friend.

 

 

You guys keep asking this-why do you stay? I don't have a simple answer. I guess I just want it fix issues and work on things. We are a family and are quite happy a lot of the time.-But then there are times like these as well..It is a serious issue that sometimes he seems incapable of properly supervising our kids.

I stay because I am trying to believe in marriage being forever. I try all the time to work on issues an discuss anything that upsets me with my husband- but the question is why does he keep doing upsetting things?

He knows me well enough by now to know what I like & don't.... I am beginning to see that if my H does not acknowledge certain problems and actively try to work on them with me all my efforts might fail to yield any positive results no matter what I do or say.

I guess maybe what it is: I am afraid to become a divorced single mother. Single moms seemed to get judged and be blamed for the destruction of the ideal family. My family may seem ideal to outsiders.

 

 

I want to give my marriage any chance it might have to be what I need & what my kids need it to be. I don't know if it would be easier being on my own.....I guess I am sort of scared of becoming a single mom. But then when I think about it sometimes I already feel like I am. It is a big step to take & also entails giving up which I am not good at dealing with. I want to try everything to make it better first. But how long should I try before admitting defeat? Also if we separate how do you know who should stay in the home & who should stay elsewhere? Because I want to stay in the house with the kids if that is the way this plays out.This all sounds really messy & painful so I guess I have been avoiding it.

My husband promised me a romantic weekend getaway vacation a few months back but now that the time he said we would go has come he is trying to back out of our plans & not do that to "save the money" it will cost. It is not that expensive!! Why would he not want to go now?

I am really getting fed up!

I got him a nice & funny card & a box of chocolates on valentines day...(I know not very original) but at least it was something. He got me NOTHING! but He did make dinner at home for me & our kids & he invited a friend & his girlfriend over to hang out & we had a few drinks. It was fun/fine --we do that all the time anyways though...

Gifts from him are usually sort of disappointing if I get gifts at all.

....He got me parts for my e-cigarette for Christmas....& some e-liquid..It was not what I expected & I have been trying to quit using my e-cigarette...but I still told him thank you...For Christmas I got him some new shoes, pants, a new hoodie& a remote controlled helicopter.

 

I get a little envious of my friends facebook posts about everything their SO did for them or gave them on special occasions. I try to avoid looking at FB around days like valentines day since I find it depressing.

I have actually never received flowers from my husband ever. I asked him about it after valentines day was over & he said he doesn't want to give me cut flowers because they don't last long & die.

 

 

Do you guys think there is no hope?

I just don't want to have any regrets about not giving my husband a fair chance.

....but feel I could end up regretting staying.

 

 

Its my fear of the unknown.

[Emerald_11]

My family may seem ideal to outsiders.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe this is not true at all.

[beach]

Change is only up to you.

 

He's a drug addict who's extremely abusive to you - based on your constant descriptions on your threads. No amount of waiting and wanting is going to change him.

 

He's constantly cruel to you and that tells you enough.

 

 

 

Change happens when YOU start changing things. Stop waiting for him and do it yourself - for yourself.

 

 

He needs serious help - he's an addict! You can't help him - and it doesn't look like he's willing to help himself - and his behavior should not be acceptable to you.

[badpenny]

You know, I read this, and your other thread, and i read the responses form other people here, and I read your reply above, and i had a good long reply ready to post and then I thought - aw forget it. Cut to the chase:

 

The chase?

 

Dump him, divorce him and move on.

How many more 'chances' are you going to give him?

 

How many more lines in the sand are you going to draw, before he steps over one too many?

He likes his pills, does he?

At the expense of his child's well-being?

 

Everything he does and wants, is more important than you or his children.

His priority is himself.

 

Well, here's one pill you can give him, that he's going to find very bitter and hard to swallow.

See a lawyer.

Draft divorce papers and give them to him.

Then ask him to leave.

 

This is over.

 

You're on your own emotionally and strategically.

Him being physically absent really isn't going to hurt that much.

n fact, I believe you'll find it a blessed relief, finally!!

[beach]

Did you do anything to take action today to change this FOR YOURSELF?

 

I'm just left wondering - mainly because you've come here, complain about your addicted and abusive and neglectful husband but you don't change anything.

 

It's not his job to change it - he's not going to change = it's up to you to change it.

 

What are you planning to do? What NEW action do you plan for yourself that begins to change it so you can take charge of your life/future?

[beach]

Maybe this is not true at all.

 

Of course that's not true.

 

Why would you think that?

 

I hope you will start getting honest with yourself. You keep telling yourself lies so you can tolerate unacceptable behavior/circumstances.

 

Your H needs professional help with his addiction.

[Arieswoman]

Emerald_11,

I can only reiterate what others have said on this thread.

 

There is only one person on God's earth whose behaviour you can change and that is you. Please repeat this until you believe it.

 

But yes he did leave him unattended inside for a bit while he was outside but says he was just sleeping. But obviously my son was not just sleeping he was getting sick all over the place.

 

This ^^^ concerns me greatly.

 

Your first duty as a mother is to make sure that your kids are cared for responsibly and that does not mean leaving them with a drug addict.

 

Please start taking steps to remove either him or yourself from this situation, and do it now. (If you do not, you may find that Social Services/Child Protective Services start taking an interest.)

 

Good luck.

[MidwestUSA]

You're worried about ending up a single mom via divorce - what if you end up a single mom via jail time? For your husband, that is. He has an addiction and is getting his fix thru an illegal route. Vikings, as I call them, go for 5 to 10$ a pop around here, probably more now that a written scrip is required for every refill.

 

Yet there's no money for counseling, no money for help for you with things he won't do. And there won't be any child support coming from behind bars.

 

Walk away now; don't get dragged thru the mud with him.

[oldshirt]

After I asked my husband about leaving the mess for me he said he had to go someplace with the neighbor. So he left almost immediately after I arrived home. I found out later that the neighbor brought my husband to someone's house to buy pills. As mentioned before in other threads my husband does like pills. Lately I see how they take priority over other things he could be spending money buying.

 

 

 

You are banging your head into a wall with any kind of druggie, drunk etc etc.

 

 

A druggie is just plain broken and their brains don't work like a normal, healthy person's does. As long as someone's brain chemistry is affected by chemicals, they are not going to think, feel, respond or behave like a normal, healthy person. They aren't firing on all cylinders and doesn't matter how much you beg, plead or threaten about the house work...they just aren't going to get it.

 

 

Until he is completely free and clear of all chemicals and their influence on his brain chemistry (which can take months and months after the last usage) you are barking up the wrong tree and wasting your time and energy.

 

 

Chemical abuse/dependency is a perfectly valid deal breaker.

[beach]

Your H uses drugs. It alters the way he thinks and what he does.

 

It takes the conscience portion of the brain and makes it VERY small! That's why he doesn't care what you think and how you feel!

 

You can nag him forever but he simply won't care if he stays using the pills.

 

And he won't change!

 

It's YOU who needs to change it. Do you plan to divorce him or just continue living with a man who puts you and your kids at risk every day?

[autumnnight]

<OP>, here's the thing. It isn't just your husband who is putting your kids in danger here. If your child is unattended and gets sick while you are gone KNOWING his patterns and someone calls CPS...your hubby may go to jail for drugs, and you may just lose that child because of YOUR negligence.

Edited March 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[beach]

You there Emerald?

[spanz1]

your husband is a real dick.

 

 

is there any chance he has OCD...will not clean up because he is afraid of dirty or smelly stuff? does he wash his hands 100 times a day or something?

 

 

if not, dump his lazy butt