Just moved in with my boyfriend, having a hard time adjusting...

[stateofgrace]

So, I'm going to start off by saying we literally just moved in this weekend, so it hasn't even been a week yet, and I'm very aware of that. I'm just feeling very anxious and uneasy, and I'm hoping that hearing some unbiased advice will ease my anxiety a little bit and help me to adjust a little better, perhaps faster than I would on my own.

 

A bit of a back story, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, and we decided we wanted to buy a condo together. Our relationship has always been great, we very rarely argue and always are able to talk things through, sex life has always been awesome and intense, we have a blast when we go out and a blast when we hang out at home just the two of us. I do have some anxiety issues and a tendency to worry and over-think about things, it makes things more stressful for me than necessary. He does know this about me and is supportive overall.

 

Anyways, back to the situation at hand. We've just moved in together this weekend, and I think I had different (possibly unrealistic) expectations of how I thought things would be. I kind of feel like he's withdrawn a bit, we're not as close I feel, I already miss him being excited to see me...however I know this is a BIG step with probably a big adjustment period, and I know everyone needs their space so I'm trying not to overstep any boundaries in this delicate time. But neither of us have ever lived with an SO before, so I think just neither of us really knew what it was truly going to be like. We were sooo excited (we waited about 2 1/2 months from the time we purchased the place to when we got to finally move in) and I think maybe we built it up so much, being so excited, saying how amazing and great it was going to be, now maybe we feel like..."okay we're in...now what?". I mean, we're still saying I love you, still having sex, still going about our days, but I just feel like things are kind of...off right now.

 

I am considering just talking to him about my feelings, sooner than later, but I came here first because what I DO NOT want to happen is him thinking I'm feeling this way because my feelings have changed for him or I'm second guessing the decision to move in together, because that's not what it is, I love him very dearly and he means so soooo so much to me and I know relationships take work and effort and I am 100% willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship to work. This living together situation is just new to me (new to both of us) and I'm just looking for some guidance/advice/tips/personal experiences with this matter, in terms of the adjustment period after moving in with a SO, to possibly ease my anxiety. I know every relationship, every individual, and every situation is different, but some unbiased words might help me out.

 

I'm really hoping it's just a fairly normal feeling after taking such a big step, and time will smooth out the bumps/awkwardness/etc, and it's just something that requires getting used to...but since I have nothing to compare this to and I think I went into it with expectations that may have been unrealistic, it's causing me to freak myself out a bit...

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading, sorry about the length!

[amaysngrace]

I think it could just be the newness of the place. A new place can't feel like home in less than a week.

 

Hang some pictures of you two together on the walls and go buy some things that'll make the house feel more homey together.

 

I don't think either one of you are settled in yet and I really don't think it has anything to do with your relationship with each other. I think it's situational.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, I'm going to start off by saying we literally just moved in this week But neither of us have ever lived with an SO before, so I think just neither of us really knew what it was truly going to be like. We were sooo excited (we waited about 2 1/2 months from the time we purchased the place to when we got to finally move in) and I think maybe we built it up so much, being so excited, saying how amazing and great it was going to be, now maybe we feel like..."okay we're in...now what?". I mean, we're still saying I love you, still having sex, still going about our days, but I just feel like things are kind of...off right now.

 

How old are the two of you?

 

What are the financial details of the purchase and ownership? In other words, did one of you buy and the other just living there?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Auspecial]

You have both embarked on an adventure into the unknown, so it is bound to feel that way for a minute.

 

 

I would bring it up, but don't let it be too serious, and ruin a nice adventure!

[stateofgrace]

How old are the two of you?

 

What are the financial details of the purchase and ownership? In other words, did one of you buy and the other just living there?

 

Mr. Lucky

I'm 24, and he's 26. We talked about renting a place together, but he really didn't want to rent. I put the option on the table of him buying a place and me renting from him (since he was in the process of buying a house when we met, but he ended up starting a new job instead) but he said he wanted us both to benefit from this and he wanted to do this together, so we went the route of buying the place together. Therefore, both of our names are on the mortgage.

 

I think this may be causing a little bit of anxiety and uneasiness as well, since it's like...holy **** what if it doesn't work out??! I mean, not that I think it won't and my feelings are changing or anything, but I'm also not naive and I know sometimes things don't work out. That's probably not helping my anxiety...haha

[stateofgrace]

I think it could just be the newness of the place. A new place can't feel like home in less than a week.

 

Hang some pictures of you two together on the walls and go buy some things that'll make the house feel more homey together.

 

I don't think either one of you are settled in yet and I really don't think it has anything to do with your relationship with each other. I think it's situational.

This is what I was hoping to hear! I just wanted to hear that it's not abnormal and that I shouldn't be worried about anything, and that it just takes time to get settled in. Thank you

 

You have both embarked on an adventure into the unknown, so it is bound to feel that way for a minute.

 

 

I would bring it up, but don't let it be too serious, and ruin a nice adventure!

This also really helped, thank you. I do think I will talk to him about all of this, but like you said, not as a serious "we need to talk" kind of conversation, because that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I just want to get how I'm feeling out and hear where he's at...because I think that's what will ease my anxiety...Thank you

[HereNorThere]

Just relax and go with the flow. You sound a lot like in me in the sense that you suffer from anxiety. You just need to think of this using the pool metaphor. Yeah, it's the water is pretty cold and shocking at first, but it's best to just jump in.

 

You have various coping mechanisms you use in your daily life to cope with anxiety. Whether it's work, dating, social situations, etc, you just have to figure out how to apply these coping mechanisms to your current situation. Some of it will be creating new routines, some of it will be changing habits and boundaries, but where there's change, there's usually anxiety for people like us.

And when that doesn't work, wine and xanax helps also.

 

Jump on in, the water is fine. Enjoy your new life with the person you love.

[d0nnivain]

Moving in is always an adjustment. You are finding how to live together & it's new. I was always uncomfortable at 1st even when I 1st moved in with my husband.

 

 

That said, I wish you the best. I have always opposed the idea of buying residential real estate with an unmarried SO. It's too messy to get out of.

[stateofgrace]

Just relax and go with the flow. You sound a lot like in me in the sense that you suffer from anxiety. You just need to think of this using the pool metaphor. Yeah, it's the water is pretty cold and shocking at first, but it's best to just jump in.

 

You have various coping mechanisms you use in your daily life to cope with anxiety. Whether it's work, dating, social situations, etc, you just have to figure out how to apply these coping mechanisms to your current situation. Some of it will be creating new routines, some of it will be changing habits and boundaries, but where there's change, there's usually anxiety for people like us.

And when that doesn't work, wine and xanax helps also.

 

Jump on in, the water is fine. Enjoy your new life with the person you love.

I think this is exactly what I needed to hear...thank you so much for your kind words!

 

I do think I still want to have a conversation with him (not a serious "we need to talk" kinda conversation) but I just want to establish an understanding now that we're in there that I understand he needs his space and I want him to have it, just like I want mine sometimes. So far, I kinda feel almost as though he feels like he HAS to hang out with me because I'm there, which (I can only assume) could be the reason I'm feeling like he's withdrawing. I want him to know I don't expect that at all, and I WANT him to have his alone time. Because we never really did talk about that in depth prior to moving in. But I also want him to know that I still want that closeness we had before sometimes too, I don't want to end up like roommates, I want things to still be romantic at times and I don't want to be taken for granted, nor do I want to take him for granted (I know that's inevitable to a point, but I think if we talk about putting in a little more effort than we had to before would perhaps help??) I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out how to express these things to him on an equal platform so he feels comfortable, and so do I....

 

I knew my mom bought me that box of wine for a reason....!!

[HereNorThere]

Sometimes you just have to come out and say "babe, I love you, but I sometimes I need to poop!"

 

For me personally, I think it's better just to be blatantly honest about these things. When I leave the room, don't follow me. If I am interested in something, quit trying to distract me, etc. People with anxiety related issues sometimes need a little more space than the average person. Also, some people don't have the "bubble" or boundaries that other people have. Getting these conversations out of the way will help set you at ease, especially if you have a loving partner who cares about your needs.

 

Good luck and I'm glad you liked my post.

[stateofgrace]

Sometimes you just have to come out and say "babe, I love you, but I sometimes I need to poop!"

 

For me personally, I think it's better just to be blatantly honest about these things. When I leave the room, don't follow me. If I am interested in something, quit trying to distract me, etc. People with anxiety related issues sometimes need a little more space than the average person. Also, some people don't have the "bubble" or boundaries that other people have. Getting these conversations out of the way will help set you at ease, especially if you have a loving partner who cares about your needs.

 

Good luck and I'm glad you liked my post.

 

Thank you very much, you've given me some really good advice that I will definitely consider. I'm going to talk to him tonight and get everything figured out. He really is very understanding. When I get like this (anxious, paranoid, etc) I underestimate his ability to listen and understand, and once I finally work up the courage to talk to him about it, he's like...babe why didn't you tell me before?! and I feel ridiculous for even second guessing that he wouldn't understand.

 

Sometimes my anxiety just gets in the way of my logic, and it's hard when emotions take over your brain, you know?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm 24, and he's 26. We talked about renting a place together, but he really didn't want to rent. I put the option on the table of him buying a place and me renting from him (since he was in the process of buying a house when we met, but he ended up starting a new job instead) but he said he wanted us both to benefit from this and he wanted to do this together, so we went the route of buying the place together. Therefore, both of our names are on the mortgage.

I have always opposed the idea of buying residential real estate with an unmarried SO. It's too messy to get out of.

 

^^^ This.

 

I don't remember you mentioning you'd discussed marriage or even engagement so the property issue seems like an unnecessary complication in a fairly new relationship.

 

And you're both young, many things change - and quickly! - in your mid-20's.

 

Not the way I'd do it but certainly hope for the best for you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

Meh, it's just money and money only matters to those who don't have it. For all we know, she could have written a check from her private trust fund to cover her half.

 

When you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you have to learn to choose your obsessions wisely. Worrying or having an emotional investment in money, objects and things is not worthwhile concern for worry. Of course, you should be smart and responsible with money, but I'd gladly turn over all of my possessions and cash for a shot at happiness. I HAD to let go of that worry because it was eating me alive. I refuse to lose sleep worrying about my new car getting scratched or someone raising my interest rate. That's a decision I made and I'm better for it.

 

You got enough in your plate with the relationship. If you ever have a financial issue with the mortgage, cross that bridge when you get there.

 

Hope your talk went well tonight, OP.

[whichwayisup]

You can't spend 24/7 together and be so happy and excited all the time. You just moved in over the weekend, lower your expectations and just go with the flow. Really, moving in and having a dynamic happen takes time, it won't happen over night.

 

He loves you, you love him. You don't need his attention on you all the time when you live together. Gotta learn to co exist and do your own thing while being together. You need your friends and time to yourself just like he will need that time to himself as well.

 

Changes and adjustments and getting used to living together doesn't happen quickly, it takes time so don't worry. All is cool.

[Els]

Wow. I really wish you had stood your ground to rent first, honestly.

 

But we can't reverse time, so... To answer your question with another, what exactly were your expectations? Were you expecting him to be all lovey dovey throughout all the waking hours? How exactly are things 'off'?

 

I moved in with my SO after 2 years, and we've been living together for a few years now, and are close to your boyfriend's age. Yes, some of the romance is 'lost' when you move in together because you have to deal with all the less romantic stuff like splitting household chores and paperwork and bills, and dealing with each others' quirks, but you also get closer in a way that is less fireworks but more depth. You see who the person really is and how they live over the long term - and when you are both able to accept each other for who they are, that's really beautiful. I don't think that is analogous to being 'roommates' - we still have plenty of intimacy. As long as your intimacy isn't taking a nosedive (I don't mean just sex, I also mean hugging, cuddling, just touching each other) you should be fine in that aspect.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Elswyth

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree: this is perfectly normal that there is an adjustment period, and also that your anxiety will kick off. If only because your regular coping mechanisms will be unsettled by a new environment and new situations.

 

The key here is to keep talking and exploring your feelings together as you go. And set some ground rules together

 

When my husband and I moved in, we also were excited, and a bit flummoxed to find we were struggling. We argued over the heat and when it would go off, whether shoes can be worn in the house (I'm Canadian and they come off at the door; he's Brit and they leave them on), whether the towels would be hung to dry or put in dryer, and whether or not we had to eat every meal together. I felt that lunch on the weekends should be easy going, he thought we should eat together or it was a sign of something bad. He would walk in a room in which I was reading, and turn on the radio without asking. I would make a cup of tea without offering him one. on and on...

 

After about two weeks, we sat down and laid each sore point down and talked about why we felt strongly in our own positions, and negotiated a compromise for each one (he lost the heat battle and the shoes, I lost the meals and the towels...etc). And then spent the next month laughing at one another. Two years on and we know each other's expectations are, what the rules are, if you will, for living happily together.

 

It just takes time and communication and compromise. And a sense of humour :-)

[stateofgrace]

Thank you so much for all your advice everyone! I really appreciate it and you've all helped me

 

I talked to him last night and all is well, we decided we just need to be a little more in tune with how each other is feeling during this time (and onward) so we'll be good. It's just gonna take some getting used to!!

 

In terms of this:

I don't remember you mentioning you'd discussed marriage or even engagement so the property issue seems like an unnecessary complication in a fairly new relationship.

 

And you're both young, many things change - and quickly! - in your mid-20's.

 

Not the way I'd do it but certainly hope for the best for you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

I appreciate your concern, and we HAVE spoken about marriage in the future, but both of us agree that we're not in a big rush to get married. I realize that taking THIS step of buying a house together is along the same lines, but we felt this was right for us. Every couple does things differently because everyone is different.

 

In terms of money, I put down most of my savings and some RRSPs, and so did he. He makes more money than I do, so he put down more, but we both put down what we could equally afford, and we purchased it together. That's what we felt was right.

 

I know we are young and things can change, but we've both been through our fair share of crappy relationships and kinda feel like this is it. But, you never know, you never know how anything in life will go really, we're not naive, we knew the risks going into it. For now, this is what works for us and we're not planning our life expecting our relationship to fail, we are planning that it will succeed. If it doesn't, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But the mortgage is in both of our names and both of us put money down, so as far as I know, that is a pretty fair way to do things. I know some relationships simply just expire or they don't work out, I've had it happen to me and so has he, but at least we're putting our money into something and not throwing it away, and we'll have SOMETHING to both of our names if *knock on wood* something does happen.

 

But...yolo

Edited March 6, 2015 by stateofgrace

[Mr. Lucky]

But...yolo

 

I agree. And should something happen, plenty of time to recover.

 

"The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now."

- Bill Cosby

 

Saw you sig, I hope you're not taking relationship advice from him...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited March 6, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[Xelha]

Your situation sounds kinda similar to mine, except I'm a couple years older and we decided to rent instead of buy. My bf and I moved in very early on, about 3.5 months into the relationship. Now it has been almost a year, and there have been a couple rough patches, but in general it went very very well for us.

 

I remember feeling a little bit anxious about moving in together in the beginning. I was confident in my decision but when it actually became a reality I began to have a few doubts that maybe it was too soon and might actually doom our relationship. It turns out it was all okay, and I have no regrets now. I think it's just something that's very common when you first move in, you just have to pay attention to *why* you're having these doubts and if there is any real cause for concern.

 

Your relationship does change within that period, mostly you have to watch out for the little things. I anticipated a few issues, so before we moved in I made sure we discussed who would do what in terms of housework(I thought back to previous issues with roommates and thought of how to tackle those ahead of time). Basically, we each talked about which household chores we hated doing and agreed that the other one would handle those. I think in my case it helps that we both have about the same level of messiness/cleanliness. For us, dividing up the chores as opposed to alternating between them works a lot better, but that could depend on you.

 

Whenever you have an issue with each other, you really need to address it right away because when living together things can escalate very quickly and be blown out of proportion before you know it. Communication is key.

 

I do miss how excited we would be to see each other back when we were just dating. I mean, it's still like that, but not to such an extreme. That's normal though, you can't be like that when you see each other all the time. That isn't to say you don't enjoy each other's company, however.

 

One thing that I think helps as well is for each of you to spend some time alone, like hanging out with friends. Spending too much time together, especially in an enclosed space like that can really put a strain on the relationship, particularly if there are other sources of stress in your lives as well. I've noticed that when either my bf or I go away for a couple days, when we see each other again that same passion awakens again.

 

Anyway, I don't think there is a reason for you to worry about moving in. Just make sure to tread carefully, especially considering you already own a property together. Communicate and you should be fine.