Can I get out of this prickly spot?

[CharlottesWeb]

Six years ago when I was young and stupid I cheated on my then boyfriend (now husband). I was racked with guilt but knew the truth would have killed him but I needed to confess so gave a very edited version of the truth to him. We worked through it and recently got married.

 

Basically on a week away with a very promiscuous friend of mine she had no hesitation in picking up. I kept saying no but I eventually gave in and as her wingman slept with a friend of a guy she wanted. The next night I had my first lesbian experience with my friend. My husband knows all of this.

 

What he doesn’t know is that on that night my friend offered to show me the best time ever and made me promise I wouldn’t resist it. I assumed she meant her and I together and agreed. The next night it ended up being the guy and his friend from the previous night and two other guys. I shouldn’t make excuses but I was young and stupid and went along with it and we all ended up together. Afterwards I decided that I could no longer be friends and stopped seeing her however still saw her as part of our extended group. My husband knows none of this.

 

Here’s where the trouble starts. I didn’t invite her to the wedding and now my husband is asking questions as to why. He wants to know what has happened between us and is not accepting no for an answer. No good can come from telling him now so I made up some stupid reasons and he has asked around and is picking big holes in the story. Now he is really pressuring me for the truth. I have been 100% faithful since that stupid episode years ago but if I come clean now there is no way we will get through it, it seems like such a waste as we are great together and with one child and another on the way we deserve to be a happy family.

 

I know the haters are gonna hate so I will wear that but for those who don’t want to hate what do you think would be a believable excuse as to why I dumped her as a friend but kept it hidden from him?

[Winterina]

Truth is always the best policy. With truth you can never go wrong. He deserves to know. He already knows that you are lying to him. So you can have him lose any trust in you forever, have this affect your relationship for good, and have him suffer.

OR you can tell him the way things are without editing. Short term this might be worse thing to do, but long term it is definitely not. He might even learn to trust you again at some point. Not an easy road ahead but at least it is the right road that can take you to the right place.

Choose the other one, and you will never get there.

[sandylee1]

I know we all do a lot of things we regret, especially when we were younger. I certainly did, so I'm not going to judge you.

 

Can I clarify he only knows about the lesson experience and not the guys?

[sandylee1]

Is there any way he could find out the truth if you didn't tell him? Would He go and ask Her and would she tell him?

 

If there is any chance he could find out, then you may have to come clean. I'm not sure if you could tell your H that the reason you are not close and haven't invited her is that she disrespected your relationship and you feel without her you would never have cheated.

 

It is shifting the blame and not taking full responsibility I know, but I also know you don't want him to find out.

[d0nnivain]

I'd start with a watered down version.

 

Remember when I confessed to you that I cheated way back then. There was more to the story then you know. It was still a short lived thing born of stupidity and immaturity. As I said to you then it's behind us. It hasn't happened since. I don't want it to happen again but she was part of it & looking at her reminds me of a time in my life I would prefer to forget. Because of that I didn't want her at our wedding & I didn't want those memories to taint what we have today.

 

 

Please don't keep pressing me for more details. I already hate myself enough. You don't need to know and if I told you it would change everything. You'd see me differently & I can't bear that. It's in the past. I walked down the aisle with a clean slate & I mean to honor our vows.

 

 

Can we drop it now?

[Winterina]

I'd start with a watered down version.

 

Remember when I confessed to you that I cheated way back then. There was more to the story then you know. It was still a short lived thing born of stupidity and immaturity. As I said to you then it's behind us. It hasn't happened since. I don't want it to happen again but she was part of it & looking at her reminds me of a time in my life I would prefer to forget. Because of that I didn't want her at our wedding & I didn't want those memories to taint what we have today.

 

 

Please don't keep pressing me for more details. I already hate myself enough. You don't need to know and if I told you it would change everything. You'd see me differently & I can't bear that. It's in the past. I walked down the aisle with a clean slate & I mean to honor our vows.

 

 

Can we drop it now?

 

He will sense there is more and it will further erode the trust.

[d0nnivain]

He will sense there is more and it will further erode the trust.

 

 

It's not a sense. She is point blank telling him there is more but that it's better he not know.

 

 

I don't think full details -- painting an ugly picture in his mind that he will never get rid of -- makes things better.

 

 

As I have aged, most times when somebody I love & trust tells me there are things I don't need to know, I have learned the hard way not to push. I don't care about many times I have said, no it won't change things, it changes things. This will be no different.

 

 

If he didn't push before the wedding, at the time the infidelity happened, pushing now will make things worse, not better.

 

 

N.B. I am NOT advocating she lie to him. I am recommending that she try to dissuade him from pushing for details that will only hurt him.

 

 

He already knows she cheated & he forgave her. How do those details, now, years after the fact & after they married, help the situation?

 

 

If this was a few weeks after the event or during the original confession, I would have advised similarly: truth with as few details as possible but then the consequences of revealing all would not have been as serious. Losing a BF is different then losing a husband.

[Davey L]

He will sense there is more and it will further erode the trust.

 

I disagree. She's telling him there's more, but asking him not to ask her. It's honest. If my wife did this I could accept it.

 

She must be prepared for him to press for details though. If he does then maybe the response from her could be to say that she would rather not but that he should think about it and if he still wants to know in, say, a week, that she will tell him.

[Winterina]

Davie L and Donnivain

 

 

There is no truth that she can tell him that can paint worst picture in his mind, than if his mind is let to wonder what could it have been...

 

 

He will imagine absolutely the worst, ESPECIALLY if she tells him 'here is a part of the story, please don't ask me for the rest'.

 

 

Not a good and healthy ground for a relationship to leave your partner wonder.

 

 

Now he already knows something is off. Better to tell the guy and not put him through torture. Does not sound like a loving act. Sounds very selfish. It is on him to decide after being told the truth what to do...

[CharlottesWeb]

Can I clarify he only knows about the lesson experience and not the guys?

 

He knows about the first guy which was just him and I and about the time with my girlfriend. He does not know about the 4 guys plus my girlfriend together, that would kill him.

[CharlottesWeb]

She's telling him there's more, but asking him not to ask her.

 

This is what I have done, well not exactly, I haven't acknowledged there is more but he knows there is. I have asked him leave it be because there is nothing more to tell. Maybe I should switch that to "yes there is more but it's better left dead and buried in the past where it belongs"

 

Would people accept that from their spouses?

[CharlottesWeb]

He will imagine absolutely the worst,

 

I can't see him imagining something worse than me being with 4 guys. Maybe it's better that I just let him imagine?

[CharlottesWeb]

Is there any way he could find out the truth if you didn't tell him? Would He go and ask Her and would she tell him?

 

He certainly could ask her but I doubt very much she would tell. She is not the type to gossip and there would be no gain in her spilling the secret so I doubt she would do it. But if course one can never know for sure.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know the haters are gonna hate so I will wear that but for those who don’t want to hate what do you think would be a believable excuse as to why I dumped her as a friend but kept it hidden from him?

 

I guess haters are gonna hate...and liars are gonna lie...

 

Repairing one mistake with another just doesn't work. Your only chance for the positive outcome you want is to be truthful with him and work through the issues if possible. Anything else will be a train wreck, albeit a slow-motion one that might take years to play out. Won't be pretty...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SawtoothMars]

I can't see him imagining something worse than me being with 4 guys. Maybe it's better that I just let him imagine?

 

Seriously... I don't think you have the moral right. You basically lied and tricked him into marriage. If you don't come clean this will eat away at him forever! He absolutely knows you are being dishonest and it really doesn't matter where his imagination goes with this... he knows you are not telling the truth. This will make him doubt you every time you spend an extra 20 minutes at the store. Nothing you say will ever be true... because to him you are a liar!

 

I mean look... people do stupid stuff. What you are doing now isn't forgivable because it's just selfish cowardice. You are asking him to "trust" you but you are not willing to trust him to stay if you tell the truth?

 

Everyone makes mistakes... it's what we do afterward that determines whether we are good people or not. Perhaps it's time you tried to finally be someone better!

[catapult88]

At this point, the fact that you hid this part of the story from him for all of these years, is the part that is going to feel more of a betrayal. That's only going to get worse with more time.

 

Yes, it's really scary to know what's at risk by revealing the truth, but you're carrying that weight daily right now, years later. He knows somethings wrong right now, that's not going to just go away. Your choice comes down to being honest and facing the risks, but being able to remove that weight and go forward in a healthy manner, or try to hide it and erode your marriage over a long term.

 

If anything, you have some ground to show how much you regret and want to move on from that time of your life by not inviting your friend to the wedding. If that will be enough, I don't know.

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry you have to face this.....but you do have to face it...to continue lying to him would mean that you werent really sorry at all.....just sorry you have to face what is inevitable...he will continue to ask questions......till you are worn down and tell him anyway, the longer you keep it hidden the longer it will take to heal the relationship....you have to prove you are remorseful....and if you really want to save your relationship i think couples counselling is needed

 

 

betrayal is a killer to a relationship and even though you want the relationship to last it wasnt him that did damage ......you have to work hard to fix this.....harder than you will probably ever work to gain back trust and understanding..and he will have to work at trusting you..........i wish you well...and i honestly hope that you can but you have to give him a chance to decide what he wants...you made decisions poor thoughtless and uncaring choices that did nto consider his feelings at all....now its his turn to decide if he can live with what poor choices you made...there isnt any avoiding that..... its not up to you......you need to tell the truth and then let him heal.....because he is already thinking the worst....dont make it prolonged and drawn out...come clean and do it today....then hopefully he will see how truthful and remorseful you really can be in your partnership...and truly believe that you wont do it again with counselling time and effort on your behalf....i hope that you work through this....and everything works out for the best.....for all of you and yours......deb

[Darren Steez]

OP you have no trouble going online and asking for help to effectively lie to maintain your deceit. Don't you think that's a problem?

 

The problem is you think you are actually justified in keeping the truth from him. He keeps nagging you'll eventually get irritated believing he should just drop it. What he has is a tiny crack of doubt about not just the validity of what went on that night but everything you say or do hence forth. 5-10 years assuming you and your friend don't tell him, that crack becomes a chasm and one that no amount of MC could bridge.

 

Do you expect honesty from your husband? Do you think it's ok that he kisses a co-worker etc and omit the facts but it's ok because he wants to preserve his marriage?

 

Are you an example to your children of how one deals with problems in life. Is this is way you'd have them deal with it?

 

What happened happened. This may not be who you are now but you keep dragging a little piece of that person every time you lie to your husband.

[CharlottesWeb]

Do you expect honesty from your husband? Do you think it's ok that he kisses a co-worker etc and omit the facts but it's ok because he wants to preserve his marriage?

 

Of course honesty is important. I told one lie, one only, when I omitted to tell him the whole truth about what happened that week. I have been totally honest with him before that time and up until very recently when he started questioning why she wasn't at the wedding.

 

Just to put it in perspective, and I didn't want to do this but now feel it's necessary, the week away was supposed to be with him and I but he cheated on me not long before. We were still working through things when the time came for the week away and he said I should take one of my girlfriends, that is the only reason I was even there with her. That does not in any way excuse anything I did, I take full responsibility for that.

 

The point I want to make is that I have never pressed the point about what happened when he cheated, he told me what happened, said that was all, and I have taken him at his word.

 

I'm not even sure that he is even thinking as far back as that week anyway, it's equally as likely that he just thinks it's something between her and I. He might think we have got together again or something like that, all he knows is that something is not right.

 

What happened happened. This may not be who you are now but you keep dragging a little piece of that person every time you lie to your husband.

You're right, it's not who I am. I am a good wife and a good mother. What good will telling him do? He may not even want to know, he has not mentioned that week at any time just that he knows something is off with my girlfriend and I. He's could be just playing the good husband and is trying to get us back to being friends and you want me to hit him with a huge bomb? That is far more cruel than leaving the past in the past.

 

Can you imagine this;

Him-Hi honey, you and Sarah need to patch things up, she was a good friend.

Me-No she wasn't, I am not friends with her because all those years ago I had an orgy with her and 4 guys... sorry for not telling you.

Him-WTF I can't get over that

Me-Yeah sorry, Anyway I'm leaving with your son and the one we have on the way.

HOW IS THAT BETTER?

 

And don't kid yourself and suggest that he would stay. Can any of the guys here honestly say that they would stay after finding out their partner did what I did? I have to live with that because it is the best option.

 

Maybe if he was asking specifically about that week then coming clean would be an option but at this point it's not a given that he's even considering anything about that week.

 

Surely when looking at the bigger picture you can see why the truth in this case only destroys a successful marriage with the only benefit being that he now knows the truth and we can not be sure he would even want to know. I still think finding a way to get him to drop the questions is plan A.

[d0nnivain]

Charlotte

 

 

I still advocate starting with telling him he doesn't want to know but we all know that he's going to press.

 

 

I would line up a good marriage counselor before you have this chat. Perhaps consult with this person to see if there is a better way / better word choice.

 

 

Try as hard as you can to tell the whole truth but superficially without specifics. The # of people alone is enough to make this hard to deal with. Continue to emphasize that he knew you were unfaithful back then apparently as was he and most importantly nothing like this has happened recently & certainly not since you have been married.

 

 

While it's unlikely you still have to have some faith that you two can work through this together but it will be very tough. On some level it's unfair to blow up a marriage with kids for something that happened while you were dating but it will be very difficult for him to get this image out of his mind.

[SJS]

What about something along the lines of, "you remember that weekend I told you about? Well that's when I decided that I just don't think she's the type of person I want to be best friends with. She's fine as an acquaintance, but we're on different pages now and I didn't want her sharing our special day with us".

[Darren Steez]

Of course honesty is important. I told one lie, one only, when I omitted to tell him the whole truth about what happened that week. I have been totally honest with him before that time and up until very recently when he started questioning why she wasn't at the wedding.

 

Just to put it in perspective, and I didn't want to do this but now feel it's necessary, the week away was supposed to be with him and I but he cheated on me not long before. We were still working through things when the time came for the week away and he said I should take one of my girlfriends, that is the only reason I was even there with her. That does not in any way excuse anything I did, I take full responsibility for that.

 

The point I want to make is that I have never pressed the point about what happened when he cheated, he told me what happened, said that was all, and I have taken him at his word.

 

I'm not even sure that he is even thinking as far back as that week anyway, it's equally as likely that he just thinks it's something between her and I. He might think we have got together again or something like that, all he knows is that something is not right.

 

You're right, it's not who I am. I am a good wife and a good mother. What good will telling him do? He may not even want to know, he has not mentioned that week at any time just that he knows something is off with my girlfriend and I. He's could be just playing the good husband and is trying to get us back to being friends and you want me to hit him with a huge bomb? That is far more cruel than leaving the past in the past.

 

Can you imagine this;

Him-Hi honey, you and Sarah need to patch things up, she was a good friend.

Me-No she wasn't, I am not friends with her because all those years ago I had an orgy with her and 4 guys... sorry for not telling you.

Him-WTF I can't get over that

Me-Yeah sorry, Anyway I'm leaving with your son and the one we have on the way.

HOW IS THAT BETTER?

 

And don't kid yourself and suggest that he would stay. Can any of the guys here honestly say that they would stay after finding out their partner did what I did? I have to live with that because it is the best option.

 

Maybe if he was asking specifically about that week then coming clean would be an option but at this point it's not a given that he's even considering anything about that week.

 

Surely when looking at the bigger picture you can see why the truth in this case only destroys a successful marriage with the only benefit being that he now knows the truth and we can not be sure he would even want to know. I still think finding a way to get him to drop the questions is plan A.

But it's not a successful marriage because it's built on a falsehood...and you are here.

 

You see the contradiction?

 

You come clean about everything, stop lying and he decides to stay and you both work on this marriage AUTHENTICALLY, then you can get your successful marriage award because then you would have truly earned that title.

[SawtoothMars]

Just to put it in perspective, and I didn't want to do this but now feel it's necessary, the week away was supposed to be with him and I but he cheated on me not long before. We were still working through things when the time came for the week away and he said I should take one of my girlfriends, that is the only reason I was even there with her. That does not in any way excuse anything I did, I take full responsibility for that.

 

... and that explains why you are still together... but doesn't change the situation.

 

You're right, it's not who I am. I am a good wife and a good mother. What good will telling him do? He may not even want to know, he has not mentioned that week at any time just that he knows something is off with my girlfriend and I.

 

Maybe if he was asking specifically about that week then coming clean would be an option but at this point it's not a given that he's even considering anything about that week.

 

I'm going to be straight with you... You may think doing a couple guys at once is some giant freaking deal.... but it really isn't. Most guys would not struggle with this even a quarter as much as 8 bloody years of dishonesty.

 

You seem to think your husband is 12.

 

Bottom line is that you are a liar until you choose to be honest. If he doesn't want to know... then cool... but you have to give him the option! Also... stop hiding behind your kids.

[d0nnivain]

...

I'm going to be straight with you... You may think doing a couple guys at once is some giant freaking deal.... but it really isn't. Most guys would not struggle with this even a quarter as much as 8 bloody years of dishonesty.

 

 

Charlotte I'm going to hope SawtoothMars is correct for your sake. Assuming the freak out about the # will be less intense then you think, if you can't dissuade him from asking, make sure you preface the full disclosure now with a contrite explanation that you didn't know how he'd take it. Show it as an effort to preserve his feelings not a full blown desire to deceive. Yes, you did omit the worst parts but hopefully knowing you as long as he has & seeing the true you he can eventually overlook the act & the fact that you weren't sharing all of the details.

[Mr. Lucky]

The point I want to make is that I have never pressed the point about what happened when he cheated, he told me what happened, said that was all, and I have taken him at his word.

 

Then why not tell him that?

 

"Honey, you cheated and I didn't press. I'm asking the same of you, it will only dig up more hurt for both of us. We've recovered and built a great life together, let's not jeopardize that. Instead of looking back, let's look to a wonderful future together with our kids".

 

Added bonus - it's the truth !!!

 

And then hold your ground and refuse to discuss...

 

Mr. Lucky