New to the forum

[macrane0603]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to the forum. I'm writing because I'm at my wits end on what to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years in June. Our daughter just turned one last month and she was born 9 weeks premature last year. We moved twice last year, got a new car, new house, my husband's father was living with us and he had advanced dementia and died a week after we moved to the new house, my husband changed jobs twice, my uncle just recently died in December, and I had my gallbladder removed and two teeth removed last year as well.

 

So that is the back story. Well for the last couple of days my husband has been hinting at having sex, but touching me and making comments, etc...Well I finally gave in before he went to league tonight. I didn't have much of a choice and I know if I didn't have sex with him he wouldn't leave me alone. He got off really well. And he asked if I needed to get off. I told him no, I was fine. He was like are you sure? I said yes and left it at that. What I really wanted to do was scream and say I don't ever want to have sex again!

 

I'm to the point in my life that I don't want to do anything, not even live. I've been diagnosed with postpartum depression and OCPD. I'm taking Prozac and Klonopin currently. I just have no desire for my spouse. I love him, but I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. It sounds bad, but I have no desire. And I know the medicine probably has something to do with it, but if I don't take the medicine it's worse.

 

I have talked to my husband about helping out more around the house and some about our sex life, but this new feeling of just not wanting to be touched by anyone or anything is scary and not sure why I feel that way. I need help, but not sure how to handle this situation.

[CrystalShine2011]

Have you considered seeing a therapist for your depression? Or already have and it's not helping? I feel for you, I really can't imagine.

 

In regards to your husband, I would be open with him and tell him what you're going through...it sounds like he will understand and give you some space in that area?

[Satu]

Welcome to LS.

 

I'm very sorry to hear that you have been through such a hard time. Anybody would find it very difficult.

 

A few thoughts...

 

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are someone who has health issues that can be addressed medically.

 

Talk to your doctor about how you feel, and discuss possible side-effects that might be relevant in your case. Ask if there is any other treatment that might help.

 

In all kinds of depression, a loss of libido can occur, but that can change when the depression lessens.

 

Do not have sex against your will. Ever.

 

By 'against your will,' what I mean is do not have sex when you really don't want to, for any reason.

 

Thats tough for your husband, but its still your right to refuse.

 

The most important thing is to get the right medical attention.

 

Have you had any counselling/therapy as individuals, or as a couple? Thats an option that might help. The combination of antidepressants and counselling can sometimes bring more improvement than either one alone.

 

Its good that you love your husband. Make sure he knows that.

 

Just some really really basic health tips:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats at least 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. Walking is good.

 

Talk to your husband. Make sure he knows how you are feeling, and what you are struggling with. Listen to him and accept his feelings. Be kind to each other.

 

You might find that posting here will be a help. You will certainly have willing listeners.

 

I truly wish you all the best, and hope things get easier for you soon.

 

Love,

 

Satu

Edited February 20, 2015 by Satu

[macrane0603]

Thank you so much for the advice. I have seen a counselor. I just got back on insurance again and I'm not sure what it all covers. We just moved 3 hours away from were my husband and I grew up and I don't know the area well. I don't have any friends down here. It's very lonely. And you are right I shouldn't have sex with my husband unless I want to, but then I'm afraid he will go somewhere else to find it. Most days I just wish I wasn't alive or could numb myself to living so that way I could just get through each day and not have to care or feel anything.

[Allumere]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. As an outsider I see a lot more positives than negatives although I have zero doubt that all you feel are the negatives at the moment. Yeah for self-awareness. Somehow through all this crap you are very aware what the issues are and although blissful ignorance sounds like the better choice, it is one that sometimes leads down the path of not being here to have the choice to make. The other advice given was definitely sound...work with a therapist and make sure you lay it all o the table with every visit. It may take some time but you will get better and feel differently with time, medication adjustments and self-care. I also agree you need to get your husband in some counseling sessions with you. He wants his wife....you can't fault him (and I don't think you did) and I think it would be helpful for him to hear from a professional that some of the things you aren't feeling or wanting from him aren't about him.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you so much for the advice. I have seen a counselor. I just got back on insurance again and I'm not sure what it all covers. We just moved 3 hours away from were my husband and I grew up and I don't know the area well. I don't have any friends down here. It's very lonely. And you are right I shouldn't have sex with my husband unless I want to, but then I'm afraid he will go somewhere else to find it. Most days I just wish I wasn't alive or could numb myself to living so that way I could just get through each day and not have to care or feel anything.

 

Who has prescribed your prozac and klonopin? How long have you been taking these meds? (Just generally, not specifics)

 

I'm so sorry for what you are feeling. I can relate in some way, as I have felt that way too in the past.

 

You need to let up on yourself in terms of pressure. You are being very hard on yourself, and it sounds like you are trying to be everything to everyone. Your child is young and you are being a good parent. Other things are important too, but the first and most important thing is to take care of YOU. Otherwise no one is taken care of.

[macrane0603]

Who has prescribed your prozac and klonopin? How long have you been taking these meds? (Just generally, not specifics)

 

I'm so sorry for what you are feeling. I can relate in some way, as I have felt that way too in the past.

 

You need to let up on yourself in terms of pressure. You are being very hard on yourself, and it sounds like you are trying to be everything to everyone. Your child is young and you are being a good parent. Other things are important too, but the first and most important thing is to take care of YOU. Otherwise no one is taken care of.

 

 

A psychiatrist prescribed me the meds when I was in counseling. I've been taking them since my birthday in September. It's hard not to be hard on myself when everyone is depending on me to take care of them. We found out back in April my husband has type 2 diabetes. So I'm constantly on him about eating right and making sure he is eating throughout the day. Then the baby needs mommy all day of course. And for myself I'm lucky to shower every 5 to 7 days.

[Hope Shimmers]

A psychiatrist prescribed me the meds when I was in counseling. I've been taking them since my birthday in September. It's hard not to be hard on myself when everyone is depending on me to take care of them. We found out back in April my husband has type 2 diabetes. So I'm constantly on him about eating right and making sure he is eating throughout the day. Then the baby needs mommy all day of course. And for myself I'm lucky to shower every 5 to 7 days.

 

The meds can (and do) lower your desire for sex/intimacy. But as you said, you need to be on them for your depression.

 

I wish I had magic wisdom that I could deliver to you. I do know how you feel in terms of not wanting to continue to go through the days. For your child's sake though, you need to just get through one day at a time.

 

While you can be supportive your husband's diabetes is something that he needs to take care of. It shouldn't be all on you.

 

You might try switching counselors (and medications) to see if things will improve more quickly that way.

[d0nnivain]

You have had a LOT going on. However, your issues are best addressed with the help of the doctors who are treating you.

 

All of this can & will get better. You have to hang in there.

 

Work with your physicians & be very careful about taking medical advice about serious subject like this from un-licensed lay people whose backgrounds you don't know on the internet.

[Quiet Storm]

I would tell your doctor that your meds are affecting your sex drive. This happened to my friend when she was on Lexapro. The doctor put her on Wellbutrin instead and her sex drive came back, and it helped her depression, too. I'm not saying this would work for you, too, but it's worth asking your doctor about it.

[coryreply]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's hard right now. You really have been through a lot of change in a short amount of time. That would be difficult on anyone.

 

I'm glad to know you are looking to get back into counseling. That really will make such a big difference in your life. Hang in there! You and your family are in my prayers today.

[Hopefulone1]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to the forum. I'm writing because I'm at my wits end on what to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years in June. Our daughter just turned one last month and she was born 9 weeks premature last year. We moved twice last year, got a new car, new house, my husband's father was living with us and he had advanced dementia and died a week after we moved to the new house, my husband changed jobs twice, my uncle just recently died in December, and I had my gallbladder removed and two teeth removed last year as well.

 

So that is the back story. Well for the last couple of days my husband has been hinting at having sex, but touching me and making comments, etc...Well I finally gave in before he went to league tonight. I didn't have much of a choice and I know if I didn't have sex with him he wouldn't leave me alone. He got off really well. And he asked if I needed to get off. I told him no, I was fine. He was like are you sure? I said yes and left it at that. What I really wanted to do was scream and say I don't ever want to have sex again!

 

I'm to the point in my life that I don't want to do anything, not even live. I've been diagnosed with postpartum depression and OCPD. I'm taking Prozac and Klonopin currently. I just have no desire for my spouse. I love him, but I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. It sounds bad, but I have no desire. And I know the medicine probably has something to do with it, but if I don't take the medicine it's worse.

 

I have talked to my husband about helping out more around the house and some about our sex life, but this new feeling of just not wanting to be touched by anyone or anything is scary and not sure why I feel that way. I need help, but not sure how to handle this situation.

 

I wonder if your doc needs to prescribe something different or change your dose as it doesn't seem to be helping. Also get your vitamin levels checkef. Bring low or deficient in certain vitamins can mimic depression!! Be mindful that some men will think about straying if their sexual needs aren't being met. I don't agree with it, but it's a harsh and sad reality!! That's how they feel emotionally connected is through sex.

[mrs rubble]

A psychiatrist prescribed me the meds when I was in counseling. I've been taking them since my birthday in September. It's hard not to be hard on myself when everyone is depending on me to take care of them. We found out back in April my husband has type 2 diabetes. So I'm constantly on him about eating right and making sure he is eating throughout the day. Then the baby needs mommy all day of course. And for myself I'm lucky to shower every 5 to 7 days.

 

Why are you showering only every 5-7 days? I Don't know how you can do that... I feel like crap until I've had my morning shower. Even when my babies were little I'd put them in the bathroom with me so I could keep an eye on them.

You need to start feeling good about yourself. When I left my ex husband I started visiting a beautician regularly, just to have my eyebrows shaped.

These little things made me feel a little bit better about myself and helped me to cope.

I suggest you start showering and taking care of you!

[Sassy Girl]

Why are you showering only every 5-7 days? I Don't know how you can do that... I feel like crap until I've had my morning shower. Even when my babies were little I'd put them in the bathroom with me so I could keep an eye on them.

You need to start feeling good about yourself. When I left my ex husband I started visiting a beautician regularly, just to have my eyebrows shaped.

These little things made me feel a little bit better about myself and helped me to cope.

I suggest you start showering and taking care of you!

 

You obviously don't understand depression.

 

The woman is crying out for help... I doubt reshaping the eyebrows will fix that... In fact I find that quite offensive. Clinical depression is not just something you can snap out of.

[loveboid]

I would get off of Klonopin. It's only recommended now for short term use, a few weeks. It's very addicting. It's in the same sub class of drugs as alcohol.

 

People say you can take alcohol to relax and fall asleep at night once in a while, but long term no one would recommend it. Klonopin is way stronger than alcohol. Over time it will wreck your sleep, just like alcohol. They both interfere with deep sleep, the most restful phase of sleep.

 

And it will kill your sex drive.

 

It sounds like you've had a stressful experience and found your husband adding to the stress instead of helping you alleviate it. I would seek more counseling.

[stillmind]

I don't have any qualified advice to add but I wanted to say I've been there. I'm still finding my way through the woods but I'm getting better (daughter is 2) and I'm able to enjoy life again. My mind still runs down dark paths when I'm stressed, but for the most part I'm a happy person. Please don't give up, please keep seeking help.

[macrane0603]

I just feel so out of it all the time. I don't want to go out anywhere and my husband is getting pissed about it. I just don't care anymore. I keep my home clean, care for my child and husband and crochet. That is the extent of my day other than paying bills and dealing with other bull****. I'm still having sex with my husband and don't want to, but if I don't he will complain about it. So I try to give in every 3 to 4 days to keep him happy. I'm starting to get really good faking it, not something I want to do, but again as long as he needs are met its fine with me. I can't stand having sex anymore. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be around anyone. I just want peace and quiet. As for the showering every 5 to 7 days. Honestly you get to the point you don't even notice until your hair is so gross you can't stand it anymore.

 

Honestly the way it feels inside is like you want to bawl your eyes out and scream and destroy everything around you, but you can't let it out. It doesn't want to come out. You just try to get through the day and pray you can make it through without losing it.

[writergal]

macrane, I would get your 2 meds changed. The combo of them together is definitely effecting your libido, your mood, and your energy levels. Start there and see if you can get them changed because it's a good possibility that is what's the main cause, and everything else falls into a secondary cause for your stress.

 

According to this website, those 2 drugs can impair your thinking and your judgement, make you dizzy and drowsy. And that's just one website. I would research the heck out of the effects these two drugs have on a person.

 

Keep a record of your symptoms: what they are, what time of day you have them, how long they last, any events that precedes the symptoms or happens after the symptoms, etc.,. then bring that to your psychiatrist. Try it for a few days or a week until you can see your psychiatrist again. My cousin is a psych nurse, and she tells her patients to do that when they are put on multiple drugs. So I pass on that suggestion to you, hoping it will help you sort out what your normal feelings are versus what may be caused by the meds that you're on. Hope that info helps.

[Rainbowlove]

After reading your 1st paragraph, I'd say anyone one of us would fall into a depression after experiencing such loss and major life changes in that short amount of time.

 

May I ask what your mental state was prior to the last year?

 

Depression issues?

 

Or is this mainly onset due to the postpartum?

 

Those psychotropic meds will mess you up.

 

Talk to your clinician and psychologist and have them make adjustments.

 

Do not wait. Call for an appointment tomorrow.

[macrane0603]

After reading your 1st paragraph, I'd say anyone one of us would fall into a depression after experiencing such loss and major life changes in that short amount of time.

 

May I ask what your mental state was prior to the last year?

 

Depression issues?

 

Or is this mainly onset due to the postpartum?

 

Those psychotropic meds will mess you up.

 

Talk to your clinician and psychologist and have them make adjustments.

 

Do not wait. Call for an appointment tomorrow.

 

 

I lost a child in January 2012, so from the time of that loss to when I got pregnant with the current child I have now. I was depressed and in counseling. We tried to get pregnant after the first loss and that didn't work. So we gave up trying and magically I became pregnant. I wish I could say that I was happy to be pregnant but to be honest I was worried and scared more than anything else. I didn't want to lose this child to and I did everything in my power to get her to birth. I was put on medical leave early in my pregnancy because I was having complications, bleeding, and loss of weight and not keeping any food down. I can't say the last 4 years have been great. My husband and I before we had the baby were a bit happier. My husband seems to be happy most of the time anyway. Having a zest for life and goals and activities he wants to do. Myself I don't really care.

 

I haven't be able to get work and we need the extra income. It feels like a black cloud hanging over my head all the time now and something I can't see just holding me down. I can't really explain it better than that.

[writergal]

Here is a website with post-partum depression support. One link actually lists clinicians in each state who specifically deal with post-partum depression and OCD for the U.S., Canada, and Australia.

 

Postpartum Depression Treatment Programs & Specialists

 

See if you can join a PPD (post partum depression) support group for women in your city. That will really help you too.

[writergal]

I lost a child in January 2012, so from the time of that loss to when I got pregnant with the current child I have now. I was depressed and in counseling. We tried to get pregnant after the first loss and that didn't work. So we gave up trying and magically I became pregnant. I wish I could say that I was happy to be pregnant but to be honest I was worried and scared more than anything else. I didn't want to lose this child to and I did everything in my power to get her to birth. I was put on medical leave early in my pregnancy because I was having complications, bleeding, and loss of weight and not keeping any food down. I can't say the last 4 years have been great. My husband and I before we had the baby were a bit happier. My husband seems to be happy most of the time anyway. Having a zest for life and goals and activities he wants to do. Myself I don't really care.

 

I haven't be able to get work and we need the extra income. It feels like a black cloud hanging over my head all the time now and something I can't see just holding me down. I can't really explain it better than that.

 

I suspect the 2 meds you are on, are to blame for this. Just a hunch.

[loveboid]

I would read this forum for Klonopin (benzodiazepine) support and see how you can relate at all. Especially the "success stories" section...those are nice summaries of people's ordeal with the drug and their problems that led them to taking it, and their success in turning their life around.

http://benzobuddies.org/

 

Hopefully you will get off this drug and these people will help you. Withdrawal isn't pretty.

[Lion Heart]

Thank you so much for the advice. I have seen a counselor. I just got back on insurance again and I'm not sure what it all covers. We just moved 3 hours away from were my husband and I grew up and I don't know the area well. I don't have any friends down here. It's very lonely. And you are right I shouldn't have sex with my husband unless I want to, but then I'm afraid he will go somewhere else to find it. Most days I just wish I wasn't alive or could numb myself to living so that way I could just get through each day and not have to care or feel anything.

 

Macrane, you were wise to come to LS and ask for help.

 

I think your situation shows many signs of serious depression, post partum PLUS other family losses plus moving away from your home town.

 

It's fantastic that you've spoken with your Dr to get help. I hope the meds really help. They didn't help me at all. Made things worse BUT that's not saying yours aren't helping.

 

As a mother of twins (plus 2 other singleton chn) I've met alot of mothers experiencing depression. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS one day at a time.

Sometimes 1 hour or 1 minute at a time.

 

I suggest counselling but if it's not working very fast then change counsellors.

 

I have no idea what groups there are for mothers in your new area but seek them asap.

In Australia we have Playgroups, Australian Breastfeeding Assoc, Mother's Groups at Community Centers plus free counselling groups for new mothers there too. Local Libraries have free Story time and music time where mothers take their babies and toddlers.

Find everything possible available and get them all to mail or email their programs. I made a folder and Labelled sections for each day of the week. I had multiple choices of activities to choose from.

 

If you pack the nappy bag the night before. Get your clothes ready the night before too, then if you feel 10% up to it, ATTEND these things.

 

YOU need to make friends. The more groups you go to, the more chance you'll have of "clicking" with some nice people.

 

PLEASE communicate with your H what's going on with you. Ask him for his support. Explain your loneliness.

 

I know "beyond blue" is a great online website to support people with depression. Access ANY sites you can.

 

BEST wishes

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Dear Macrane,

 

Communication in a gentle, loving way with your H is very important at this time.

 

The best thing that helped my H understand (and let's face it, no one truly gets it unless they've been there) was FACTS. Facts about post natal depression. Loss and grief makes the regular hormonal depression worse. Moving away from family makes it "more worse" bad grammar. But each thing that's happened in your life has made it more than just (and p/n depression is bad enough) post natal.

 

He needs to know that WITH HIS LOVE AND SUPPORT at this time you WILL recover and you WILL return to your full sexual self. Some men are NOT good at delayed gratification. This is NOT happening to him, so his sexual needs will remain constant. There are other ways to please him besides full intercourse. If none of it is what you can do at the time, you COULD suggest he use porn at times. Explain your frustration too. This is not you being "normal" but it WILL pass.

 

If your mum or another female relative can come to stay for a couple of days every few weeks, you'll have some known company to look forward to. Now is not the time to think you're failing. Now is about your survival and thriving WITH this temporary condition.

 

Sometimes mothers with this get OCD about the house work. Or very uncaring. One extreme or the other. Do what you can. Ask for help too.

Put your pride in a safe for 2y and get help with the following:

* a baby sitter for time out for you to get your hair done or go for a walk (I found that time out made me worse! It may help you tho, try it)

* baby sitter to go to the movies or dinner out with H.

* find easier meals to make or forgive yourself for getting takeaway meals more often

* there are programs here that provide a free or very very cheap / subsidized carer, cleaner for mothers with PND. See what your child health centre offers. Get everything.

* do mother and baby yoga to learn relaxation techniques and reconnect with your baby.

* renew an interest or think of an interest you can do with your baby around. I had twins and joined a Gardening Group. The oldies LOVED having the babies there and doted on them non stop. When I then had 3 under 2.5y plus a teenager, I gardened at home alot. They got filthy and loved it!

* go for walks every day if you're not going anywhere else. The seratonin levels inside you need raising, exercise (yeah and sex) raise these levels. Walking around your local area, you will meet others. Say HI. We met another couple with twins in our street. We only stopped to chat on our walks for 5y! Now our children have sleepovers (12y,12y & 10y). You are building your future.

* get silly, funny comedy videos to watch. Yiu need to laugh!

 

You would be surprised at HOW MANY MOTHERS are struggling with depression. You are not alone yet it's the loneliest feeling in the world.

Don't suffer in silence.

 

Consider any feelings of anger you may have. Even anger is an improvement on depression! Ge5 your anger out in your walks, gym, IC, the LOT! You'll feel alot better.

 

Remember "It takes a whole village to raise a child". It's a popular saying in my circles because it's true! You haven't got your "village" together yet but you will and you will thrive. Trust me. Do the work esp when you don't want to. I've been there. It's horrible. BUT you will recover. I promise.

 

Lion Heart.