mintcondition Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I've been dating this woman for many years and we each live in our own place. Our relationship is mainly romantic and based on friendship, but we don't share any material or financial matters. She travels a bit here and there for work and I see her about three/four times a week. Sex and romance is our strong point when work schedules don't take a toll, which can happen in any relationship. So here's the deal: Everything was all peaches and cream leading up to valentine's day, we did a couple of things together and exchanged some gifts, but the next day she went completely "cold" and has since been giving me the silent treatment. She doesn't return calls or texts, and I even think that she has blocked my number. She has done this in the past, deploying hurtful silent treatment tactics for days or weeks without giving me a good explanation. She'll air her grievances afterwards, but most of what she shares does not warrant using such hurtful means. What is going on? She has said in the past that "I don't get her" while on other occasions she elevates me to Mr. Perfect status. I think that she was a bit disappointed that I didn't make any grandiose plans; however, she should just come out and say something as opposed to relegating me to non-existent status? This is a pattern and it's getting worse. She seem poise, affable, and extremely charming from the outside; it's rather obvious that there's something dark brewing on the inside Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 End it with her. A person who does the silent treatment and plays those sorts of games has issues. She has bad communication skills and resorts to cruelness. Silent treatment IS a form of abuse as it's intentional and meant to hurt the other person. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I'm no fan of the silent treatment. However, if you've been dating for 'several years' then you must have some insights into what might have hurt her this much. Does it seem likely that she was expecting more this valentine's day? Has she been talking about taking your relationship to the next level? Are you sure she's happy? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 I'm no fan of the silent treatment. However, if you've been dating for 'several years' then you must have some insights into what might have hurt her this much. Does it seem likely that she was expecting more this valentine's day? Has she been talking about taking your relationship to the next level? Are you sure she's happy? She seems happy. "Taking it to the next level" is apparently not one of her expectation, because these silent spells always seem to follow periods of intimacy between us. In other words, spending quality time together is a precursor for getting the silent treatment. It's weird. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 She seems happy. "Taking it to the next level" is apparently not one of her expectation, because these silent spells always seem to follow periods of intimacy between us. In other words, spending quality time together is a precursor for getting the silent treatment. It's weird. she doesnt trust you....deb Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Fear of intimacy begins to develop early in life. As kids, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. We may even begin to rely on fantasy gratification rather actual interactions with other people; unlike people, fantasies cannot hurt us. Overtime, we may prefer these fantasy over actual personal interactions and real positive acknowledgment or affection. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved... ...So, we often react with suspicion and distrust when someone loves us, because our fear of intimacy has been aroused. Understanding Fear of Intimacy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't know. Seems to me it's a control issue and she knows that when she wants to end her silence she knows you'll be there and then rewards you with sex. Kind of like a version of Pavlov's dog to me. If it was me, then I stay silent. Stop sending her messages which to her is you begging and gives her hand more power. let her do her burn and when she's ready to talk then give it back to her in spades and let her do the wondering. if she thinks your worth it she'll get the hint and find out that two can play that game. Honestly she sounds like a 8th grader in Jr high with her attitude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) Understanding Fear of Intimacy on repeat for emphasis worth reading and comparing her actions or interactions with you i know i do this myself......ill push someone away scared to death of loving someone so much ever again.....its easier to dream......and i feel if i can push someone away so easily then they never loved me in the first place.....everybody leaves me anyway and i survive...i have been left in the roughest of predicaments and i survive in fact i tell others to run.....so they dont get hurt not by me but by others....i protect others from involving themselves with me because i attract...sometimes hard times and harder people......and i survive battle scarred but i survive...........i cannot survive falling for someone or in love so easily..and i dont hurt people.......doesnt mean i cant love someone completely....it just means i am not for everyone or anyone...maybe someone with or who has compassion and intelligence to look behind the push...and really see me.....which i understand is a waste of time for some guys......and i dont want to waste their time..trust comes with time through good and bad times.....i know illl trust again but it will be with the right type of guy..or i wont be with anyone...deb Edited February 20, 2015 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 What happened on Valentine's Day, exactly? Any insight on what she might have been expecting versus what actually happened? I have no background or context on your relationship. But you said you've been dating for "many years," yet you still live apart. Is she the type of woman who expects to be married at some point, or do you have a mutual understanding that your current arrangement is best? Because it just made me wonder whether the girl is expecting either a proposal or something else that indicates a serious direction, like a "Let's move in together" talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 No....trust me, it has nothing to do with expectations regarding marriage or moving in. She's just a little complex in the sense that she expects people to read her mind instead of openly expressing what she wants. Something that really stands out is her suspect mood pattern, and the fact that she's running away from unresolved feelings of dysphoria. She relies on external factors to lift her mood, and people are more or less inanimate objects designed to make her feel better. She can be really sweet and charming but lack empathy and affect at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 No....trust me, it has nothing to do with expectations regarding marriage or moving in. She's just a little complex in the sense that she expects people to read her mind instead of openly expressing what she wants. Something that really stands out is her suspect mood pattern, and the fact that she's running away from unresolved feelings of dysphoria. She relies on external factors to lift her mood, and people are more or less inanimate objects designed to make her feel better. She can be really sweet and charming but lack empathy and affect at the same time. where do you think the restlessness comes from why do you feel she is running from restlessness...so i n essence do you think she is restless due to boredom?...or do you feel the restlessness stems from her fear of intimacy...fight or flight response....how do you know she expects others to read her mind........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 where do you think the restlessness comes from why do you feel she is running from restlessness...so i n essence do you think she is restless due to boredom?...or do you feel the restlessness stems from her fear of intimacy...fight or flight response....how do you know she expects others to read her mind........deb How do I know? Because she has boasted in the past how she creates "test" to see if someone will pass or fail. She's proud of the fact that if she thinks she has been wronged she then has no qualms about dropping them like a bad habit, as if they never existed. Normal people with empathy do not behave this way, because they rely on transparency and conflict resolution skills. She prides herself on her pseudo cryptic nature and ability to always get what she wants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) How do I know? Because she has boasted in the past how she creates "test" to see if someone will pass or fail. She's proud of the fact that if she thinks she has been wronged she then has no qualms about dropping them like a bad habit, as if they never existed. Normal people with empathy do not behave this way, because they rely on transparency and conflict resolution skills. She prides herself on her pseudo cryptic nature and ability to always get what she wants. why would you want to be with a person like that.... in my opinion ........ she sabotaged herself by letting you know exactly what she was doing...so much so ....it could possibly be distruth...in other words.. she wants to see a reaction.....an answer to what she isnt saying...... a throw off in other words....... i still say she doesnt trust you even more so now..... you didnt answer my questions how do you know she expects others to read her mind...... why do you feel she is running from restlessness... do you feel her restlessness is because she is dissatisfied or bored with you..what or where is the restlessness stemming from in your words.......deb Edited February 20, 2015 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 She's always been a bit restless and fundamentally a bit on the unhappy side, per her own words. Her poise and charming exterior belies her insecure nature. The way I see it, conflict resolution or dealing with grievances shouldn't be a akin to solving a complex mathematical solution involving hostile silent treatment and other "games". Just come out and say that you're mad or pissed off and don't resort to "games". What bothers me is when someone who supposedly cares about me decides to invoke these silent "powers" and write me off like a trash that needs to picked up at the curb. I'm not losing sleep over it at all; just extremely disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 She's always been a bit restless and fundamentally a bit on the unhappy side, per her own words. Her poise and charming exterior belies her insecure nature. The way I see it, conflict resolution or dealing with grievances shouldn't be a akin to solving a complex mathematical solution involving hostile silent treatment and other "games". Just come out and say that you're mad or pissed off and don't resort to "games". What bothers me is when someone who supposedly cares about me decides to invoke these silent "powers" and write me off like a trash that needs to picked up at the curb. I'm not losing sleep over it at all; just extremely disappointed. I once dated a guy who used the silent treatment as his method of dealing with conflict. I found it emotionally wrenching. Things did improve after I sat him down for a long talk about it. I told him he was allowed to be angry and allowed to have his time to stew, but that he couldn't disappear on me out of the blue with no warning and shut down on all contact. Because, you know... that's cruel. After that, though he did drop out on me sometimes, he would at least have the respect to say something before like "I'm pissed off and I need a couple days to cool down. Let's be in touch later this week." So while the unhealthy dynamic was still there, at least he found better ways to deal with it. OP, I think you should ask the same of your GF. W 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 @Standard Fare......I have asked that of her in the past, and she will initially comply; however, after six months or so she will revert back to the her old self. To top it off, her excuses always revert back to her "busy schedule", which is something I don't buy for a second because I wasn't born yesterday. There probably is a reason why we've remained in the dating realm for so long, or really good friends with benefits, because my perceptive and intuitive nature told me early on that she is high maintenance. I was able to deal with the episodes but I'm getting tired of it now and am moving on. It isn't even worth the "hit it and quit it" anymore since it's beginning to affect our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 @Standard Fare......I have asked that of her in the past, and she will initially comply; however, after six months or so she will revert back to the her old self. To top it off, her excuses always revert back to her "busy schedule", which is something I don't buy for a second because I wasn't born yesterday. There probably is a reason why we've remained in the dating realm for so long, or really good friends with benefits, because my perceptive and intuitive nature told me early on that she is high maintenance. I was able to deal with the episodes but I'm getting tired of it now and am moving on. It isn't even worth the "hit it and quit it" anymore since it's beginning to affect our friendship. Yeah, I think you should communicate with her (in which ever format she'll "allow," ugh): "The silent treatment isn't an acceptable way to deal with conflict. It's rude, it's unkind, and most of all it's immature. Don't expect me to interpret what your silence is supposed to "mean," and don't expect me to have any interest in playing that game with you in the first place. If you have any interest in being in an adult relationship with me, find a better way to communicate. If that's not possible than I no longer have the patience for this. I can't do it anymore." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yeah, I think you should communicate with her (in which ever format she'll "allow," ugh): "The silent treatment isn't an acceptable way to deal with conflict. It's rude, it's unkind, and most of all it's immature. Don't expect me to interpret what your silence is supposed to "mean," and don't expect me to have any interest in playing that game with you in the first place. If you have any interest in being in an adult relationship with me, find a better way to communicate. If that's not possible than I no longer have the patience for this. I can't do it anymore." To be quite honest, this time around, the experience is not as unsettling as I thought it would be. The peace and quiet actually is rather refreshing. I guess that I'm just sick and tired from all the past silent treatments, I'm pretty much indifferent now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I've been dating this woman for many years and we each live in our own place. Our relationship is mainly romantic and based on friendship, but we don't share any material or financial matters. OP, do you see other people also? Does she? To me, the "next level" isn't necessarily marriage, it's where, have fallen for her looks, you then fall in love with her person. So, her issues aside, why would you invest "many years" in a relationship where, under the skin, you don't like what you see ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 OP, do you see other people also? Does she? To me, the "next level" isn't necessarily marriage, it's where, have fallen for her looks, you then fall in love with her person. So, her issues aside, why would you invest "many years" in a relationship where, under the skin, you don't like what you see ??? Mr. Lucky No, we are not seeing other people. I hope she doesn't, but you never know. Of course I care for her, and I do like what I see, but I don't like everything I see, and it seems to be getting worse. What bemuses me is how she pulls away and does this right after a period of intense closeness, and it has nothing to do with "scared of getting hurt". NORMAL PEOPLE do not resort to using hurtful silent treatment methods intended to isolate and devalue a partner. Moreover, she's also been complaining for quite some time now about her friends, work, kids, etc. She wants to "feel good" all the time, and any external factor that rains on her parade or requires compromise and time/effort freaks her out. She's got terrible coping skills....she runs away. Great career, money, looks - she has so much to be thankful for, but her lack of empathy is becoming a bit disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 To be quite honest, this time around, the experience is not as unsettling as I thought it would be. The peace and quiet actually is rather refreshing. I guess that I'm just sick and tired from all the past silent treatments, I'm pretty much indifferent now. In that case, yeah, I guess the best option is to refuse to give this any attention. When she inevitably comes looking for intimacy again, I guess it's time for a talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Great career, money, looks All desirable qualities and a big part of the initial limerence phase, typically 12-18 months. But I'm wondering why you'd invest "many years" of your life in a relationship with someone who avoids intimacy and resists closeness? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author mintcondition Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 All desirable qualities and a big part of the initial limerence phase, typically 12-18 months. But I'm wondering why you'd invest "many years" of your life in a relationship with someone who avoids intimacy and resists closeness? Mr. Lucky Great question! Like I said, our relationship is predicated on sex, companionship, and friendship, but we are exclusive. There is a lot of closeness and intimacy. We are both very independent and live our own lives from a financial aspect; it's not like I saw her every day all this time. I just noticed that the game playing and silent tactics are becoming more prevalent, and it hurts because I consider her to be a good friend. We both were getting what we wanted out of this relationship but just treat me with respect for crying out loud, instead of pouting and hiding in your room like a ten year old kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I don't get the silent treatment from my MW, but a lot of this sounds familiar. I have spent numerous hours researching trying to figure this woman out. This may or may not apply to your partner, I don't know. Do some reading on Emotional Deprivation Disorder. Long story short is that some people that experience a troubled childhood effectively shut off the part of the brain that experiences emotion at an early age, and once they reach adulthood that portion of the brain remains under-developed. The way they deal with things such as you described is to distance themselves, their brain simply can't handle it. If you had mentioned these things and you had only been together for months or maybe a year, I would guess it was a power struggle; but given the length of time I would suggest you look at something deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just want to share my experience- I'm very prone to shutting down and dishing out the silent treatment when I'm hurt. I've only recently learned to open up with my partner. I think I did it for two main reason's, fear of being mocked, or yelled at and fear of being disbelieved. As a very young child I was sexually assaulted by an older next door neighbour and his sister while our parents drank together. They threatened to have me beaten up at school (I'd only just started) by the 5 older boys who used to live in our house if I ever told anyone on them. I never told. I suffered depression. My mother would constantly stand over me and demand to know what was wrong, and would get angrier and angrier when I refused to tell. By the time I was a teenager, I'd buried the memories so deep that I didn't know myself what was wrong with me and it became a habit(?) or coping mechanism(?) to shut-up when I was hurt. When I was in a good frame of mind as a child, I'd gabble away and ask loads of questions and my dad would say "Oh you do go on and on!" which made me feel like my input was of little value, I think this compounded the issue. These days my partner is well aware of how hard it is for me to discuss my feelings and he is very good at listening and drawing the issue out of me. He is careful to not be offended and reactive if he's done something to hurt me and I tell him about it, in other words I feel secure in telling him my feelings. I know he will never mock me for the way I feel, no matter how crazy it may be. Maybe your lady has had something happen years ago like me, to make her unable to talk about issues?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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