Jump to content

RANT and question - She does not let me grow a beard


Recommended Posts

Hello there,

 

I have a problem that is starting to bother me.

 

Been with my girlfriend for 10 years. We're both in our early 30s. We have one kid and she is expecting our second child in a few months.

 

I am balding since I'm 20. I'm now almost completely bald so I shave my head because I look stupid with the remaining hair.

 

My beard grows really fast. I always wanted to have a full beard. A long, full beard. Every time I tried to grow it, she complained about it and stopped having sex/kissing me until I shave. I always gave up growing because I didn't want to hear her complain about it all the time.

 

That's the kind of beard I want :

http://beardsstyles.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/long-beard-styles-for-men.jpg

 

She's pregnant and the doctor advised against having sex for a while. It's winter and it's cold. I said to myself, Why not! I'll have my full beard.

 

At first, she didn't really talk about it. I've been growing it for 2 months! That's a record! It looks great! I love the way I look with the beard. I feel more confident. Everone I know compliments me about it, saying that I look really good with it!

 

Except her! She won't stop. For the last week, she started asking "When will you shave your beard?". I said not now, I want to try a full beard.

 

Now she says really rude things like "You look ugly with the beard, shave it". "Why don't you shave it?" At least 20 times a day. All the time. She complains all day long. She looks at me and laugh at me, saying that I look like a retard with that beard. She also tells our kid "look at daddy, he is UGLY with the beard. Tell daddy that he's ugly and he needs to shave!" Then my kid says "Daddy you're ugly shave your beard". Wow.

 

This is really annoying. I own a small brewery/pub and to date, everyone I met who talked to me complimented me about the beard. I get compliments from male friends and women. I'm an entrepreneur, why would I do what I want?

 

I'm 30, I'm a dad and a business owner. Am I free to grow a fu***** beard for once?

 

Why is she trying to control me?

Is this childish behavior from her?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe she's jealous of your beard because it's making you look better and getting you attention.

 

If she's pregnant with your second child and you still aren't married to her maybe that only adds to her insecurity too.

 

I'm sure this goes way beyond you growing a beard though.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I'm 30, I'm a dad and a business owner. Am I free to grow a fu***** beard for once?

 

Yes.

 

Why is she trying to control me?

Is this childish behavior from her?

 

I don't know what her reason is, but her approach is way off. Try responding with humor to the insults. joke about how manly it makes you, and what a "real man" looks like--confidence, but keep it light.

 

Then, in a connected moment,talk to her and really try to understand why she hates it so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She's handing it poorly by getting the kids involved.

 

Maybe you should start telling her how to style her hair and what clothes to wear.

 

The real problem is it's hurtful, manipulative and controlling.

 

She needs to find better ways to communicate.

 

Keep your beard!!!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's your GF, not your mother. She doesn't let you do anything.

 

 

Sit her down, tell her you love her but every time she says mean things it hurts. Ask her how she'd feel if you constantly degraded & upset her. Ask her what message her cruel comments are sending to your kids.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some guys facial hair can really hurt a women's face when they kiss him it can be seriously painful is this her real issue? shes going about it the wrong way tho..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't mind facial hair on a man. I also like the clean shaven look too. Depends on the guy and what is most flattering to his face. My last long term bf was most handsome when he was clean shaven but he did grow a beard for a while. I didn't really like it on him but I figured it was his face and his hair. When he asked me what I thought about it I told him honestly that I preferred his clean shaven face over his bearded his face but either way he was still handsome to me. He only kept it for about five months. When he shaved it off I definitely laid on the compliments about how sexy he looked clean shaven and I never saw that beard again..lol.

 

 

The real problem isn't your beard, it's how your gf thinks it's acceptable to demean and insult you even to the point of getting your kid involved. That is just so wrong. Is it really just your beard that makes her this disrespectful or does she normally communicate with you this way? Perhaps you are also disrespectful to her in some way and there is a general lack of respect between the 2 of you. I agree with the other posters that you should have a serious talk with her. Not only about your beard but about the overall communication issues and the disrespect, but if you are also disrespectful to her than you have to be willing to work on your end of making things better too.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
She's your GF, not your mother. She doesn't let you do anything.

 

 

Sit her down, tell her you love her but every time she says mean things it hurts. Ask her how she'd feel if you constantly degraded & upset her. Ask her what message her cruel comments are sending to your kids.

 

Yep, this ^^^

 

Her criticism is hurtful - you should have something to say about it!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Every time she makes a mean comment fire one back. Surely there is something about her hair or her style that you aren't too fond of and yet don't go on about. Use it.

 

I know that conventional wisdom says have a talk, blah, blah ,blah, but I don't think that will work with her. Maybe the best way to get your point across is to give her a taste of her own medicine. When she complains explain to her that you're only doing to her what she has been doing to you.

 

I prefer clean shaven, but my DH decided to grow a beard. Beards are really in for men right now, so whatever. I wasn't fond of the beard at first, but I've grown to like it. Part of that is because my DH couldn't maintain the lines himself without making them crooked, so I do the maintenance. It's almost my beard, too, at this point. :)

 

Now that the beard is fully in I nuzzle it and play with it. But my DH has soft fur and his beard as well as the rest of his body hair is very soft and nice to touch. If your hair is course and that's her complaint you could always condition it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd grow it anyway and ignore her remarks.

 

I used to give in to my wife's demands, figuring that if it wasn't a big deal for me and it mattered to her then I ought to. However after some years I realised it wasn't really about whatever it was that she demanded, it was about control and having me submit to it. After I realised that I became more stubborn and held my ground. Not always and not often either, only on things that seemed more important to me. But it was enough and I get a lot less of this control s--- now. At first I had to endure some fights and silent treatment but it was worth it in the long run.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Every time she makes a mean comment fire one back. Surely there is something about her hair or her style that you aren't too fond of and yet don't go on about. Use it.

With all due respect, this will only erode their relationship into a banter of insults and nasty comments.

 

OP, please do not stoop to your wife's level of vitriol and try to reason with her politely and calmly. There might be a middle-ground you two can reach; you can have your beard for six months out of the year or something...

 

But please don't start hurling back mean comments in a form of one-upmanship that will ultimately make you look petty and demeaning.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just grow the beard. She might even get used to it. I don`t think you need permission. Unless she has a beard phobia?

 

But why would she bring the kid into a `beardage` debate?

 

That seems petty.

 

Get rid of all razors in the house.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

First, I'm a woman who thinks all men look sexier with facial hair so you would never hear me complaining about growing out your beard ;)

 

Second, I agree that your beard isn't the real issue here. There is something else lurking in the shadows and she's using your facial hair as an excuse to lash out at you unfairly.

 

Personally, I think she's acting like a petulant child rather than a mature adult. Lord knows how she's react if the tables were turned! You'd have your ass handed to you on a silver platter at the very least.

 

I completely understand that we all have our preferences for how we'd like our partners to look or dress or smell or whatever. I think that's very normal. Having said that, when you really love someone and are in a committed relationship with them, you need to practice tolerance and maintain a healthy sense of openness to new possibilities when it comes to each other that includes how we choose to look. I mean, we're supposed to fall in love with the person not just how they look standing next to us, right?

 

In my case, my partner tends to wear a beard mainly because he knows how much I love it on him BUT there are certain times of the year where he feels a need to shave it off (usually in the summer). As much as I think he might look better with a beard, I understand his reasoning not to mention respect the fact that he likes to change-things-up every now and again. My job as his partner is to continue to love him unconditionally. End of story. And he would do the same for me.

 

At the very least I think you and your partner should have had a mature conversation about the beard thing if only to try and understand each other's points of view. Relationships are about compromise after all. No one said she has to love your facial hair but she does have to respect your decision especially if she loves you.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

My partner has a moustache I think looks ridiculous. I'd never tell him to get rid of it and I'd never tell him he looked ugly....if he asked my opinion on it, I'd tell him that I think he'd look much better without it, or with a beard to go with it!

He doesn't ask what I think though and he's told me he has a silly superstition about it and is too scared to shave it off in case something bad happens.

 

I think you should show the Mrs. this thread so she realizes what a biartch she's being.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm more disturbed by the "few months without sex" part. Is there a good reason for the doctor's recommendation? Were you there to hear it? Lots of couples have sex all the way thru pregnancy. Since your wife already uses sex as a weapon, I'd be a little skeptical.

 

Oh, and keep the beard unless she decides to have a rational conversation and compromise with you, you know, like a grown-up spouse.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare

I agree with everyone on the "your facial hair, your choice" sentiment, and that your GF isn't handling this kindly or fairly. BUT...let me play devil's advocate for a sec:

 

- It's possible (actually very probable, given the way you've described it) that your GF genuinely doesn't feel sexually attracted to you when you have a beard. That may seem shallow or stupid, but it doesn't make the feeling any less real on her end. A lot of times you can't control or understand feelings like that. So to her, your growing a beard feels like putting a wall up, barricading her from feeling attracted to you.

 

- The link you posted I actually think is a pretty extreme beard. Almost like a "lifestyle choice" beard, where you're completely changing your look. That's your right, but it's natural that your GF would have some sort of reaction. Think about a similar scenario in reverse. What if your GF got a mohawk, for example? Or a huge tattoo you didn't like in a prominent, public place? Don't you think you'd make your opinion clear?

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer
I agree with everyone on the "your facial hair, your choice" sentiment, and that your GF isn't handling this kindly or fairly. BUT...let me play devil's advocate for a sec:

 

- It's possible (actually very probable, given the way you've described it) that your GF genuinely doesn't feel sexually attracted to you when you have a beard. That may seem shallow or stupid, but it doesn't make the feeling any less real on her end. A lot of times you can't control or understand feelings like that. So to her, your growing a beard feels like putting a wall up, barricading her from feeling attracted to you.

 

- The link you posted I actually think is a pretty extreme beard. Almost like a "lifestyle choice" beard, where you're completely changing your look. That's your right, but it's natural that your GF would have some sort of reaction. Think about a similar scenario in reverse. What if your GF got a mohawk, for example? Or a huge tattoo you didn't like in a prominent, public place? Don't you think you'd make your opinion clear?

 

My STBXH weighed in regularly on my hair. He was not happy each time I cut it short, and early on in the relationship, he was kind of an ass about it. Eventually, he lightened up and admitted it was my hair. He personally prefers long hair, but says he does think the short hair is more "me."

 

At times I have mentioned some crazy severe things, like when we were dating I wanted to shave my head completely. He told me this would be a deal breaker.

 

I am not a fan of beards. He has always had a goatee, which I like, but full beards, no. When he grew his out, I was definitely less attracted to him. I did give him some sh]t about it, but I wasn't petulant and I didn't withhold sex.

 

One thing about beards - it DOES change the way you interact - it's not just aesthetic. It is something she gets to deal with every time she kisses you or you perform oral. Just something to think about.

 

She's probably handling it wrong, and sure it's your choice to wear it, but do you really want a beard that badly?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a tough one. On one hand, I can understand not wanting to be held back from doing what one wants to do, but on the other hand, it's clear the OP's wife is not attracted to beards and the OP is ignoring that and growing one without so much as a discussion about it. I'm sure his wife would like some sort of intimacy during the pregnancy, and the beard is like a symbolic "don't touch me" sign to her.

 

I don't quite understand how growing a beard is worth his wife not being attracted to him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
toolforgrowth
I don't quite understand how growing a beard is worth his wife not being attracted to him.

 

If women apply this same logic to not shaving their legs, then you may have a point. :)

 

I'll tolerate prickly legs, but only to a point. Ladies, you mentioned how a beard can be uncomfortable during kissing or oral. Well, imagine having legs covered in thousands of tiny needles wrapped around your body?

 

Yeah, not pleasant. I'll pass, thanks.

 

Brought to you by a guy with a goatee. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
If women apply this same logic to not shaving their legs, then you may have a point. :)

 

I'll tolerate prickly legs, but only to a point. Ladies, you mentioned how a beard can be uncomfortable during kissing or oral. Well, imagine having legs covered in thousands of tiny needles wrapped around your body?

 

Yeah, not pleasant. I'll pass, thanks.

 

Brought to you by a guy with a goatee. :D

 

A handy tip for both the beard guys and the razor-less ladies:

 

Both beard hair and women's leg hair gets softer as it grows out longer.

 

Signed,

 

The sometimes hairy wife of a mountain man :)

 

P.S. If you want to be treated as a man, be a man! Stand up to disrespect, be respectful, and care about being sexy to your woman (who should show her appreciation).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
toolforgrowth
Both beard hair and women's leg hair gets softer as it grows out longer.

 

This is quite true! My girlfriend likes my goatee longer, the hair is much softer. The flip side is that now my beard hair goes up her nose sometimes when we're kissing.:lmao:

 

Although hairy legs on a woman is really really unattractive to me. I'm very much a leg man, who also has very hairy legs. If they start to rival mine...

 

Noope.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this woman has serious issues. I completely detest control of any kind in a marriage. You would do yourself a favor to remove the word "let" from your vocabulary when referring to your marriage. It simply shouldn't exist. Of course couples need to talk about things and come to an agreement but this is not the same as letting someone do something or not.

 

One thing I'd first say to her is that you will not stand by and watch her teach your children to disrespect you in such a way ever again. If my son ever spoke to me like that even once in his lifetime, I would be shocked and crushed. She is beyond ignorant to be teaching your son to speak that way to anyone, particularly his parent, like that.

 

And, btw, since when can a person not have sex when pregnant? Are you sure the doc said that, or is she making it up?

 

I just have to wonder -- are you sure you want a future with this person??

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree with everyone on the "your facial hair, your choice" sentiment, and that your GF isn't handling this kindly or fairly. BUT...let me play devil's advocate for a sec:

 

- It's possible (actually very probable, given the way you've described it) that your GF genuinely doesn't feel sexually attracted to you when you have a beard. That may seem shallow or stupid, but it doesn't make the feeling any less real on her end. A lot of times you can't control or understand feelings like that. So to her, your growing a beard feels like putting a wall up, barricading her from feeling attracted to you.

 

- The link you posted I actually think is a pretty extreme beard. Almost like a "lifestyle choice" beard, where you're completely changing your look. That's your right, but it's natural that your GF would have some sort of reaction. Think about a similar scenario in reverse. What if your GF got a mohawk, for example? Or a huge tattoo you didn't like in a prominent, public place? Don't you think you'd make your opinion clear?

 

I once went from long black straight hair to red, curly hair at the hairdressers one day.

My bf at the time was not happy when he first saw me, and although he didn't say much, we split up not long after and looking back now, I believe he just didn't find me as attractive with my new look. This was a 3 year relationship and prior to the "new look" things were going well.

 

A big beard like you describe is a huge change and although you are loving the new you, she isn't, so you need to think carefully here, is the beard really more important than your relationship, especially with kids involved?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

"I'm 30, I'm a dad and a business owner. Am I free to grow a fu***** beard for once?"

 

It seems you're not. I mean, if you even need to ask...

 

"Why is she trying to control me?"

 

She already is, because she wants to and she can.

 

"Is this childish behavior from her?"

 

Yes, she should know better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...