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Has Anyone Dealt With a Disappearing Spouse?


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I am married to an alcoholic.

 

 

It is very unpredictable at the best of times.

 

 

I don't want to leave. I am sure everyone is going to tell me to leave but I am not ready just yet. Maybe I will be soon because this is pretty unbearable.

 

 

The alcohol is not the hardest part. Tonight like last night he has not contacted me. My phone IS off but he could email me and he left his email open and he hasn't even checked it since feb 3rd.

 

 

We have been married 10 years and have a child together.

I don't think there is anyone else. But there could be. I don't have a lot of money so I can't get a PI. I think its just drinking. He has been drinking and popping out for nights at a time since April last year.

 

 

He did it years ago too and it really messes with my head. I stay awake all night and every little noise makes me think its him coming home. Usually he is just away a few days. Sometimes he wants to split up and he will stay away for over a week. The longest time was 3 weeks.

 

 

I never know what will cause it to happen but he is very depressed and he's been off work for 6 months with an injury.

 

 

Our child has been excited to show him a Valentine she made for him and I am very crushed for her because he has not seen it yet. I knew he might not come home last night because he was going to be out until at least 2 and driving back an hour and a half after wasn't the best idea. The weather being what it is. But I thought I would at least hear from him today.

 

 

He has a lot of problems coping. He tries to stop drinking but has not gone to recovery. We are moving and we overlapped the rent from the new place to the old by a month. The old place is still a disaster. We need to get it clean before the 28th. Friends have helped but it is still quite bad.

 

 

My self-esteem is in a pit. For the first time today I envisioned being away from him and felt free. But then I felt really bad because he could just be delayed or depressed but still wanting to be at home. He has been committed to this new place as our "New Beginning" for awhile now. We really like it here and we've been getting along better.

 

 

Last time he came home drunk and tried to DT downstairs (start of January) I told him that if he drank again he could not DT in our house anymore because he is too much of a jerk when he does. So he could be away because of that. He knows he can't come back until he is done DTing? Or maybe he hasn't been drinking at all. I don't know. I know nothing until he contacts me, which could be never. Who knows what's happened.....

 

 

Anyone deal with anything like this?

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There are items he left that show he had plans on returning.

His muscle relaxant medication.

One of his most used pants with a belt attached. He only owns two belts. He would have taken it with him if he wasn't coming back, I think.

 

 

This is very hard for me because he's disappearing but I feel like I failed the marriage and I am very very very lonely. I feel crushingly alone when he is not here.

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Honey, the alcohol is more important to him than you and your child.

 

It will continue to be this way unless he stops drinking.

 

He's not likely to stop unless you decide on a healthy boundary for yourself and stick to that boundary.

 

You can't make him quit though. But you can change your life FOR yourself.

 

Alcohol IS a depressant. And those drugs don't help either. He needs professional help to quit. This isn't the real him and he's not likely to be his real self until sober an extended amount of time.

 

Get busy taking care of you - your needs. Do you work?

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Yes I work. I have always worked consistently.

 

 

He has trouble sticking with things.

 

 

My number one need right now would be someone to talk to.

 

 

I need a phone. I don't have a working one right now and can't get it turned on until Tuesday earliest.

 

 

I know the alcohol is more important. I don't think that will change even if I put my foot down. I have done that before and it seems to stop for a little bit. Sometimes. He is pretty sensitive and just falls into the pit at even the hint of criticism or disappointment from me. Even if it is just generalized frustrations like 'the light in the fridge is out, argh"

 

 

I think I have just been staving off the inevitable.

 

 

His mother died when she was just four years older than he is now. He has so much shame and we have struggled so much. It is just so depressing.

 

 

He really loves our daughter but can't seem to get himself together at all. I don't want to divorce him. My heart just wrenches at the thought, but I don't think he will even live another five years at this rate. I feel like I am missing out on some aspects of life for sure. I feel very stuck with the hope of things changing. He wasn't a drunk the first five years we were together but he was before we met.

 

 

He has talked of suicide before. It guts me. I love him very much. I wish he was happy and productive. I wish he would stop messing with his brain before it's too late. I am so scared all of the time. I get frustrated and then I feel so guilty and responsible for being frustrated over the whole situation. I miss him so much when he is gone.

 

 

I even thought I heard the door opening 10 minutes ago and checked outside for him. This is awful.

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He has talked of suicide before. It guts me. I love him very much. I wish he was happy and productive. I wish he would stop messing with his brain before it's too late. I am so scared all of the time. I get frustrated and then I feel so guilty and responsible for being frustrated over the whole situation. I miss him so much when he is gone.

 

Are you familiar with Al-Anon? What you are describing (especially the "I wish" and the guilty/responsible parts) are classic expressions/feelings of codependent partners of alcoholics--unfortunately alcoholism is a family illness and it's not just your husband who is affected and mired in emotionally destructive tendencies.

 

You cannot control him but you can control and change yourself, and then make decisions from that informed and self-knowing place, whether that decision is to stay with him or to leave. I would strongly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting, because that is a community of people who have dealt with EXACTLY that in their spouses, parents, siblings, children. Even reading some of their literature may be helpful in processing your emotions and figuring out a way out of this dynamic.

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He is pretty sensitive and just falls into the pit at even the hint of criticism or disappointment from me. Even if it is just generalized frustrations like 'the light in the fridge is out, argh"

 

That's not sensitivity, it's manipulation. Addicts and alcoholics are masters at it, including making you think your disapproval of their obviously destructive and inappropriate behavior is the reason they drink and use. If only you weren't so critical, life wouldn't be so hard for him. right? Shame on you for expecting he meet even the most basic standards of fatherhood and marriage. And your participation is this dance is classically co-dependent, all the way down to you making excuses for him.

Are you familiar with Al-Anon? What you are describing (especially the "I wish" and the guilty/responsible parts) are classic expressions/feelings of codependent partners of alcoholics--unfortunately alcoholism is a family illness and it's not just your husband who is affected and mired in emotionally destructive tendencies.

 

Great advice. Gives you someone to talk to, some experienced voices to listen to and a shortcut to an entire knowledge base. Please go today, here's a link to their meeting locator:

 

http://al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited by Mr. Lucky
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Honestly, how can you feel he loves you and your daughter when he's unreliable by disappearing? He leaves you worrying and wondering for days at a time - that isn't loving behavior.

 

And please think it through - if you stay - your child is likely to grow up seeing that a spouse who drinks and disappears is her sense of "normal" for her. And then she's likely to choose the same for her husband/choice just because you've taught her that you stay married to unacceptable behavior in a spouse.

 

Consequences really do help any person consider changing their behavior. If things stay the same - nothing will change - and the change really is up to you.

 

Staying sober isn't easy but is possible when a person is willing to change and has a lot to lose by continuing to drink. I speak from experience - 7 years sober after drinking to a point that I made my life miserable and risked losing my kids/family if I didn't stop.

 

Staying away days at a time looks more like drugs than drinking... From my experience.

 

Go to al anon, you can't make him and you can't control it. But you certainly didn't cause it and you can't cure it. There's lots of supportive people there.

 

It's his to do - if he can't stop on his own he should be supervised and detox may be useful.

 

The book -codependent no more - is great too, by Melodie Beattie (sp?)

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I was chatting to a work colleague today who was married to an alcholic. She had a young daughter with him.

 

She said the following to me: "if my daughter needed shoes, I'd go without dinner to buy them. If my husband had a choice between shoes for his daughter or beer, he'd buy beer. I decided he just wasn't worth it. Took my daughter and left. I've never regretted the decision."

 

That was 20 years ago. Her ex-husband is still a drunk, his daughter loves him and visits him. She's been married to her current husband for 18 years and is happy with her lot.

 

My advice is to divorce him. If you and his child are more important than alcohol he will give it up. He will get treatment. He will change his life. However, if he doesn't at least he won't drag you down with him.

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Yes, I have dealt with this and I can relate completly to your feelings.

I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years. We also had a dauggter together. It took a heavy toll on all of us.

He too would disappear for days which was the absolute worst feeling in the world. I remember many nights watching out the window for headlights, not being able to sleep, comforting my dauggter because she wanted her dad. Cooking dinner and sitting at the dinner table with my daughter trying to create small talk with her all the while wanting to cry my eyes out.

Our marriage was falling apart, we couldn't even hold a conversation. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling with me because I did love him and had no idea what to do or how to handle it. First visit after an hour the councler told him, this is simple , you are an alcoholic, he never returned to councling again.

I ended up moving out of our bedroom and into another room in the house. It did not phase him.

I tried and tried and tried to talk to him but I was competing , not with another woman but with the love of his life, alcohol. I gave him 1 year after 14 years , to get help, get sober or make an effort . I told him point blank to his face, I can not do this anymore, you have one year or I am leaving .

Of course he did nothing. One year later, I took our dauggter and left, even though I had zero self esteem, self worth self anything. It was hard because I loved him but I didn't like the alcoholic.

He begged, pleaded, cried for me to come back. He made all kind of promises to me that he was going to change, get sober if I'd only come back. I told him, you do all those things and in 1 year I will return. He did nothing.

Fast forward 15 years , we are divorced and he is still a full blown alcoholic.

Good luck is all I can wish to you.

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Yes, I have dealt with this and I can relate completly to your feelings.

I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years. We also had a dauggter together. It took a heavy toll on all of us.

He too would disappear for days which was the absolute worst feeling in the world. I remember many nights watching out the window for headlights, not being able to sleep, comforting my dauggter because she wanted her dad. Cooking dinner and sitting at the dinner table with my daughter trying to create small talk with her all the while wanting to cry my eyes out.

Our marriage was falling apart, we couldn't even hold a conversation. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling with me because I did love him and had no idea what to do or how to handle it. First visit after an hour the councler told him, this is simple , you are an alcoholic, he never returned to councling again.

I ended up moving out of our bedroom and into another room in the house. It did not phase him.

I tried and tried and tried to talk to him but I was competing , not with another woman but with the love of his life, alcohol. I gave him 1 year after 14 years , to get help, get sober or make an effort . I told him point blank to his face, I can not do this anymore, you have one year or I am leaving .

Of course he did nothing. One year later, I took our dauggter and left, even though I had zero self esteem, self worth self anything. It was hard because I loved him but I didn't like the alcoholic.

He begged, pleaded, cried for me to come back. He made all kind of promises to me that he was going to change, get sober if I'd only come back. I told him, you do all those things and in 1 year I will return. He did nothing.

Fast forward 15 years , we are divorced and he is still a full blown alcoholic.

Good luck is all I can wish to you.

 

 

Are you and your daughter happy?

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Are you familiar with Al-Anon? What you are describing (especially the "I wish" and the guilty/responsible parts) are classic expressions/feelings of codependent partners of alcoholics--unfortunately alcoholism is a family illness and it's not just your husband who is affected and mired in emotionally destructive tendencies.

 

You cannot control him but you can control and change yourself, and then make decisions from that informed and self-knowing place, whether that decision is to stay with him or to leave. I would strongly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting, because that is a community of people who have dealt with EXACTLY that in their spouses, parents, siblings, children. Even reading some of their literature may be helpful in processing your emotions and figuring out a way out of this dynamic.

 

 

Yeah I can't see this being my fault past last night.

 

 

My daughter bawled her eyes out last night and I really resent him for doing that to her.

 

 

By leaving, doesn't that mean she will be crying more often because her Dad will be around even less?

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That's not sensitivity, it's manipulation. Addicts and alcoholics are masters at it, including making you think your disapproval of their obviously destructive and inappropriate behavior is the reason they drink and use. If only you weren't so critical, life wouldn't be so hard for him. right? Shame on you for expecting he meet even the most basic standards of fatherhood and marriage. And your participation is this dance is classically co-dependent, all the way down to you making excuses for him.

 

 

Great advice. Gives you someone to talk to, some experienced voices to listen to and a shortcut to an entire knowledge base. Please go today, here's a link to their meeting locator:

 

How to find a Meeting

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have emailed the groups in my area.

 

 

Historically I have avoided going to groups like this one. Often I feel very out of place, but I guess this has progressed far enough to help me fit in LOL.

 

 

I really feel ashamed having to go here. I thought my self-esteem and strength were enough to deal with the situation.

 

 

But my self-esteem is very low.

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Honestly, how can you feel he loves you and your daughter when he's unreliable by disappearing? He leaves you worrying and wondering for days at a time - that isn't loving behavior.

 

And please think it through - if you stay - your child is likely to grow up seeing that a spouse who drinks and disappears is her sense of "normal" for her. And then she's likely to choose the same for her husband/choice just because you've taught her that you stay married to unacceptable behavior in a spouse.

 

Consequences really do help any person consider changing their behavior. If things stay the same - nothing will change - and the change really is up to you.

 

Staying sober isn't easy but is possible when a person is willing to change and has a lot to lose by continuing to drink. I speak from experience - 7 years sober after drinking to a point that I made my life miserable and risked losing my kids/family if I didn't stop.

 

Staying away days at a time looks more like drugs than drinking... From my experience.

 

Go to al anon, you can't make him and you can't control it. But you certainly didn't cause it and you can't cure it. There's lots of supportive people there.

 

It's his to do - if he can't stop on his own he should be supervised and detox may be useful.

 

The book -codependent no more - is great too, by Melodie Beattie (sp?)

How do I feel that he loves us?

 

 

I just looked at his behavior like a mental problem. A serious one, but a mental problem nonetheless. I wouldn't say that a schizophrenic person couldn't love someone because they have delusions from time to time.

 

 

I worry about the effect of permanently breaking up our family will do to our daughter. She doesn't see him as having done something awful, only that he's not here. This will break her heart so much. I have been dreading it for years.

 

 

Not to mention the parade of dysfunctional step-people he would probably go for. He has a pretty bright personality so I don't see him taking long attracting someone (even someone much thinner/more successful than me). But that they would probably have a lot of issues.

 

 

I also see him going into a lot of relationships just using the crap out of someone and draining them of everything, much like he did with me. The resources it has sapped to sustain this marriage are just WOW......

 

 

That's not a situation I want to see my daughter have to visit etc. See another lady breaking down, not wanting to be a step-mother etc.

 

 

I see him maybe wanting to change to have his daughter. But it wouldn't be real change. Just the appearance of sobriety. He is very good at that. Very very good at hiding it for a long time. It's scary actually.

 

 

But I can practically guarantee he wouldn't change for me. I think he got together with me believing I was "lower on the food chain." But I really wasn't. I let myself go there to sustain us. But really I have a very bad weight problem and other than that I have lots to offer. And over the years I lose lots of weight but I do find his influence to be unhealthy etc.

 

 

Like I will be eating really healthily and the weight will be coming off and he will order pizza etc. And bring home candy for me.

 

 

Even when he apologized to me last time he brought home pizza. I thought, is this what he thinks of me? Just fatten the cow up and she'll take you back and you'll both be happy?

 

 

I don't think he would be able to stop drinking unsupervised but has managed to slip out of going to rehab last year and has promised going to the Day Program for recovery for the past year. Hasn't happened. I noticed recently that the couples counseling he also signed in for has now lapsed and they closed our file. Why bother signing us up if you won't book a date and follow-through.

 

 

I guess he figures that the promise of change should be enough and it has been.

 

 

I still haven't heard from him.

I was really expecting him home late last night.

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I was chatting to a work colleague today who was married to an alcholic. She had a young daughter with him.

 

She said the following to me: "if my daughter needed shoes, I'd go without dinner to buy them. If my husband had a choice between shoes for his daughter or beer, he'd buy beer. I decided he just wasn't worth it. Took my daughter and left. I've never regretted the decision."

 

That was 20 years ago. Her ex-husband is still a drunk, his daughter loves him and visits him. She's been married to her current husband for 18 years and is happy with her lot.

 

My advice is to divorce him. If you and his child are more important than alcohol he will give it up. He will get treatment. He will change his life. However, if he doesn't at least he won't drag you down with him.

 

 

I think that he thinks she's more important but when push comes to shove he has no problem leaving her behind, telling himself that she is being taken care of.

 

 

After last night, seeing her cry so hard because she wants to see him/talk to him etc. and give him his Valentine's surprise.....I am gutted for her.

 

 

She will likely never forget this and she is so young.

 

 

I think he oscillates between "I am a better father than such and such" and "I am a terrible father, I don't deserve xyz."

 

 

Either way, she suffers and he sees himself the victim of these poor choices instead of a 37 year old man that can do something about them.

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_Get to Al-anon, it will thwart off your current misgivings. You deserve to gain perspective and strength.

 

My heart goes out to you on the worry and his well being....Your post validates how selfish this disease is and how damaging it is to the family....

 

Have you any siblings or family members that can assist you during this time?

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Are you and your daughter happy?

 

Yes, we are both very happy.

It was hard at first though, I'm not going to lie. He did for a SHORT while try to convince me that he was " sobering " but when I still refused to reconcile prior to a year, he would drink and of course tell me he was drinking to cope with the loss of his marriage.

Also he would show up drunk to his visits with our daughter and I wouldn't allow it to happen. I would tell him no, you may not see her while you are intoxicated.

It hurt my daughter not being able to see her father for a while but in time he got the message that if he couldn't sober up long enough to see her, he wasn't going to see her. As far as her, in the most kindest and loving way possible , I just had to explain to her that her dad was an alcoholic and it had nothing to do with her, that is was an addiction. It was hard on her for awhile but then it got to the point that she herself would say mom, I talked to dad, he's been drinking, can you and I just go to the movies? That's when I knew she had got it.

They actually have a good relationship now, as do he and I . It took a while, but as far as happiness, YES, we are happy.

He is still an alcoholic but we do not suffer from HIS problem anymore.

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Of course she'll bawl but she'll get over it.

 

You are not banning her from seeing her father, but that the father should behave in a responsible way. He is not going to change unless you force the issue. You are unhappy now. Want to know where you'll be in a year? 5 years? 10 years? you'll be in exactly the same space waiting for your drunk husband to come home.

 

When it comes to Alkies and druggies (especially when you have children in the house), kick em out. If they want a life and their children, they'll get sober and clean up. Most likely they won't.

 

Why put you and your child through an endless misery of living with an addict?

 

It's your call, but I'd change the locks and get a lawyer.

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I just wanted to add that I knew that if he got help and stopped drinking that it had to be because he wanted to, for himself and not for me. That's why I gave it 2 years, one before I left and one after I left. Like I said he is still drinking, his reasoning, " you didn't come back so I didn't need to stop drinking" . It would have never changed because he did not want to stop drinking, he just wanted us back.

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_Get to Al-anon, it will thwart off your current misgivings. You deserve to gain perspective and strength.

 

My heart goes out to you on the worry and his well being....Your post validates how selfish this disease is and how damaging it is to the family....

 

Have you any siblings or family members that can assist you during this time?

 

Thank you.

 

 

And.....ha ha ha.... no!

My father is an alcoholic. My mother completely believes everything that he has to say no matter how he treats everyone around them.

 

 

Siblings not an option for many many reasons. They simply don't have the ability to understand any of this.

 

 

I do worry about whether or not I should be filing a missing person's report. I almost did last time and then he returned.

 

 

It makes me so nervous that he has not even checked his email and there isn't a sense of needing his daughter. So messed up. So very very messed up. Very sad.

 

 

I feel so very sad about all of this and I feel guilty for wanting to try selecting again with someone else in the future. I feel very guilty like I was his last, best chance and even I would walk away and take his daughter with me. I know that isn't the most accurate reflection, but it's how I feel. It's how I think he would feel about it too. Like I just left to hurt him, even if that alone would not have hurt him.

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Yes, we are both very happy.

It was hard at first though, I'm not going to lie. He did for a SHORT while try to convince me that he was " sobering " but when I still refused to reconcile prior to a year, he would drink and of course tell me he was drinking to cope with the loss of his marriage.

Also he would show up drunk to his visits with our daughter and I wouldn't allow it to happen. I would tell him no, you may not see her while you are intoxicated.

It hurt my daughter not being able to see her father for a while but in time he got the message that if he couldn't sober up long enough to see her, he wasn't going to see her. As far as her, in the most kindest and loving way possible , I just had to explain to her that her dad was an alcoholic and it had nothing to do with her, that is was an addiction. It was hard on her for awhile but then it got to the point that she herself would say mom, I talked to dad, he's been drinking, can you and I just go to the movies? That's when I knew she had got it.

They actually have a good relationship now, as do he and I . It took a while, but as far as happiness, YES, we are happy.

He is still an alcoholic but we do not suffer from HIS problem anymore.

 

I cried when I read this.

I really didn't want my daughter to have to go through this.

I tried to not pick an alcoholic spouse.

My Dad is an alcoholic and I didn't want her to go through this. This was the last thing I wanted for her.

I am so heartbroken for her. I should have left when she was a baby, I really tried to fix this so much so she would have her Dad around. He showed so much promise. This is like a death.

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I just wanted to add that I knew that if he got help and stopped drinking that it had to be because he wanted to, for himself and not for me. That's why I gave it 2 years, one before I left and one after I left. Like I said he is still drinking, his reasoning, " you didn't come back so I didn't need to stop drinking" . It would have never changed because he did not want to stop drinking, he just wanted us back.

 

I have heard every dumb excuse in the book, including "I drink because I care so much"

 

 

Really!?

 

 

It's more than just drinking though. It's a symptom of that underlying emotional disturbance that he just doesn't seem like he can't confront with any consistency. He just gets overwhelmed with it, does something he's ashamed of, then goes through the whole cycle to relieve the shame.

 

 

Addicted to the shame to get the "relief."

 

 

He seems to fall off the wagon mostly when things are going better between us. Like he just gets my trust and then, blam, off the wagon again.

 

 

Maybe it's like a power-card in the relationship too. I mean I can't "stop" him or argue with him about it. It's like the trump card. If he is bothered enough by something, he can just self-destruct.

 

 

I found out years ago that he has a huge fear of being overpowered and shamed. It's like "I will absolutely destroy myself before do something that's healthy for me if I think it's what you want me to do. You can't control me with your feelings or wants or desires. ME ME ME."

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Hugs to you Queen. I feel for you.

I'm not telling you what's right or wrong for you, I'm simply sharing my experience with you. I think my daughter was around 11 when I left, but by then she had seen a lot.

Fortunately, I think by my leaving, it allowed her to have a relationship with him. When we were together she got attention from him, drunk attention, almost all interaction with him was while he was intoxicated. After we left he was forced to stay sober at the times he was with her which allowed her to have a more " normal " relationship with him.

She is 26 now and she knows more about alcoholism than most 50 year olds I know.

She has said to me many many times, " mom, I love dad but I understand why you left him".

Like I said, he and I are good friends now, he is still an alcoholic but I don't have to be responcible for his actions, I don't have to take care of him, I don't have to worry anymore which has allowed me to focus on me, my daughter and my life. It has actually been extremely freeing.

I wish you luck, I really do. It's hard to decide wether to walk away or stay. But in my case, I was just really tired of sacrificing so much of me and my daughter for his " problem".

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This link has been helping me today:

OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion

 

 

Although I am not sure if he is "Borderline" I suspect he may be Bipolar.

 

 

And it really does just take up so much space in my mind everyday.

 

 

Truth is, I have been coping better this time than historically.

 

 

He has done this so many times before that I am not as shocked and the grief isn't as bad because I get used to having to get things done while he is gone. Plus my daughter is very delightful. She really has such a sparkling personality. Even just watching TV with her is fun.

 

 

The worry I have about him constantly thrums through me, but every time he has disappeared it hasn't been suicide or a car crash or going truly missing. It has been drinking or other addictive behaviors. Like him trying to get a "bit of freedom." But he won't invest in our home life being fun or freeing. Just sits around and watches TV mostly.

 

 

He watches a season of a tv show at least a week. We together will watch 2 or 3 shows every night together and I don't even really care for tv.

 

 

I think he is quite lonely and doesn't have friends per se. The friends that do drift into his life, he doesn't keep good contact with and often loses them. Sadly, he's 'lost' friends to me. That's tough. If this does go forward in any measure, I won't be so friendly with his friends.

 

 

He was supposed to be getting funded through his work for a course he could use to get a much better position. But then he ended up going off of work with his injury. Uh-oh ... all back to him again.

 

 

I miss him. But I miss old him most of all. The old him that was sober was so much fun. It wasn't just sitting around being depressed and self-loathing. It was travelling and adventures and both of us earning. It was hugs and kisses and sex and telling each other that we were each other's favorite.

 

 

I thought by sticking by him through his struggles he would appreciate me more. I guess I was wrong. I guess I just told him I didn't expect him to be or do anything better and that what he is doing is 100% okay.

 

 

But at this point, there isn't even a relationship going on. He isn't here, no contact, no sense of return. Tomorrow I may file a missing person's report.

 

 

Right now, my daughter needs me more than I need to feel down about him doing what he always does.

 

 

He may not return. In fact, I have a strong feeling that this time he simply won't. We were reading about relationships last week and he found out why abusers don't leave their wives if they are so frustrated with them. Because abusers need to overpower someone to feel secure. If there's no other person there, they don't get that feeling. So I said, 'yes, they need them' as in the abusive husband needs the wife. I think that this really affected him. Now it's almost something to prove to himself, that he doesn't need him wife. He won't be "trapped" by that need to overpower. So no need for a wife.

 

 

But I doubt he has a solid, sensible plan. So who knows.

I would and wouldn't be surprised if he just left his daughter behind forever. But anything is possible.

 

 

But the point is, where she is, I am. I am still here. I will never leave her behind like this and I have told her so. She has always known that I will be a rock for her. I love her very much. My only regret is that she doesn't have a sibling. At least there would be another kid in her position to go through this with. And that way it wouldn't seem like we are a "team" going through this. I would be that I am the Mom and they are the kids etc. Not like more equal footing in grief, sadness and rebuilding a life.

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Hugs to you Queen. I feel for you.

I'm not telling you what's right or wrong for you, I'm simply sharing my experience with you. I think my daughter was around 11 when I left, but by then she had seen a lot.

Fortunately, I think by my leaving, it allowed her to have a relationship with him. When we were together she got attention from him, drunk attention, almost all interaction with him was while he was intoxicated. After we left he was forced to stay sober at the times he was with her which allowed her to have a more " normal " relationship with him.

She is 26 now and she knows more about alcoholism than most 50 year olds I know.

She has said to me many many times, " mom, I love dad but I understand why you left him".

Like I said, he and I are good friends now, he is still an alcoholic but I don't have to be responcible for his actions, I don't have to take care of him, I don't have to worry anymore which has allowed me to focus on me, my daughter and my life. It has actually been extremely freeing.

I wish you luck, I really do. It's hard to decide wether to walk away or stay. But in my case, I was just really tired of sacrificing so much of me and my daughter for his " problem".

 

 

I will miss his hugs the most. I miss him holding me so much when he is gone. It's the best feeling in the world.

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I will miss his hugs the most. I miss him holding me so much when he is gone. It's the best feeling in the world.

 

I really love it when he laughs and smiles as well. And holding hands.

 

 

We haven't been intimate since his injury. But I miss the way that we were intimate when we were younger.

 

 

I just don't see how I could ever feel the way I feel about him with anyone else ever.

 

 

It's not the same leaving someone due to alcoholism as it is if they were to die.

 

 

It's like a half-death. You get all of the bad feelings, but none of the sense of "they would want the best for you" and they haunt you.

 

 

I feel very haunted by him when he is not here. He stuff is here (of course, he lives here) and there is less and less stuff over time. Our wedding picture, Signs of things we've done together, the life we've built together and all of the hurts he's done over the years. There's just no easy escape. We have a history. He takes up space in my mind and heart. This is so hard.

 

 

And him just disappearing like this compounds it.

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