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do books do anything for M ? (recommendations)


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Have any out there read passionate marriage by schnarch and found it useful? Did it actually change anything for your relationship?

 

I'm finding a lot resonates for me and I hope the knowledge helps in the future but wish I'd read it a decade ago. I think an appt with the author would've been the only thing to influence my M not the book. ( we did do mc/ic though. Counselor was decent but not in same league).

 

Other books: 5 love languages, his needs her needs, and boundaries.

 

Any others you've found insightful?

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Books are only useful when they are dealing with the "TRUE" issue in the marriage. Often, too often we would like to focus on those things that the spouse are doing instead of the damage we've done to the marriage ourselves.

 

Bottom line is, nothing will help (books, MC, IC, intervention from a higher power) until and/or unless both spouses are willing to face their faults in the marriage being in a bad place. If your open, honest and willing to own your sh^t then they are useful tools.

 

Example, 5 love langauges does you no good if the problem is the wife being in love with another man. So what she finds out her husbands love langauge, she allowed another man to invade her heart and bed. Knowing the husbands love langauge isn't going to change that.

 

Find the root cause in YOUR side of the marriage issues and attack them, its hard but its the only way.

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Books (some related to marriage) that worked best where ones that helped me change and improve.

 

I think couples therapy had the most direct impact on my spouse, because it was active interaction with her and the therapist.

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I think books can be a wonderful tool if you are both on board. The 5 Love Languages is an excellent book. You can always try it alone and see what happens and if starts to change a spouse's heart, but I'd guess both working would be best. It can also change your own heart and help you see things inside yourself. Never worked for me, but my husband wasn't interested.

 

Not to go OT intentionally, but for Christians, the movie Fireproof and the Love Dare book are incredible. I cried through the movie, my husband laughed and called it stupid. But, the movie makes you think, and gives an example of what love truly is.

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I think that if I find one grain of truth that resonates with me in any pop psychology book then it's a good book.

 

 

I liked Fight for Your Marriage & got a few nuggets about appreciation from the Care & Feeding of a Husband and The Care & Feeding of a Marriage by Dr. Laura.

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I was curious if anyone had read that book specifically (passionate marriage) as well as discussion in general about personal experience with a book that had an impact in some way for the growth of themselves or relationship. I'll look into the others mentioned here, thanks!

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No. But I read this comment on amazon about that book... I liked the comment... Im in a less than 2 years relationship and we have no problems with these things but it is useful to get a word of wisdom for one day when we might need it...

 

 

"There were some interesting ideas presented in this book so it was not a complete loss, but I have to say that if your marriage is far enough down the tubes sexually to read a book like this, I would highly recommend counseling. I thought by reading it that I would be more enlightened sexually, but because my wife was not going through the experience at the same time, asking her to read several chapters didn't go over very well and likely added to the sexual tension.

I have been married for 13 years and have noticed a significant lull in sexual activity over the last few years since we had our second child. But then I've also noticed a decrease in our financial situation, an increase in home and job stress and a number of the other factors that are not conducive to foreplay which usually begins about 30 minutes after my wife goes to sleep from exhaustion.

The very thing I learned from this book is exactly NOT what the writer would have intended. In our sexually driven society, you have to ask yourself a question, "What was life like before sex was shoved at us from nearly all possible directions?"

I have found time and time again, that delaying sexual gratification in marriage is what really gets the sparks going in bed. Believe it or not, less is more when it comes to sex. Most men do not understand that fantasizing, individual sexual activity, staring at other women, surfing for porn etc., all add up to problems with trust in a relationship, and whether you realize it or not, women sense these animosities at a higher degree than you realize (don't you women?). Sexual deviance whether you like it or not, subtracts directly from your marriage and places the blame for marital problems, right back in your own lap.

The longer you delay sexual gratification (i.e., 2-3 weeks) and the less sexual activity you engage in, the more powerful your relationship will become and although I can't explain it here in words, but things happen in bed that far exceed any fantasy you could ever conjure up. It's not easy to do and requires a great deal of self-discipline, but if you have tried all the other phony sex books out there and still find yourself coming up empty handed, this method will light your fire every time and bring with it a new sense of love and trust in your marriage. Don't worry, the withdrawal symptoms won't kill you and you'll be thankful you tried."

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