Feeling unloved and unwanted

[Angelita]

We had a blow out over our current situation. He is never home and he thinks he is contributing to marriage by working 70+ hours a week. To me that's not a contribution to marriage, it’s actually the exact opposite. After our discussion tonight, I cried for two hours and he went to sleep he took his pillow and went to the living room to sleep leaving me alone in our bedroom.

 

This is been happening for two years almost 3 now and I've been really patient with him, but now I ask myself, when will he slow down with work so he can get back to "us". The only time he’s home is between 8pm-12am and he usually watches TV, plays video games or plays with our daughter. We have zero time for us and we NEVER go out. He goes out, but without me! He even goes on vacations by himself. I gave him this comfort because I want him to unwind by himself. He makes time for everyone but me and I’m tired of it.

 

For the last few weeks we've been either silent around each other, or there is major attitude when we talk. We don't have conversations, we don't talk about our future, and we don't sit down and talk about each other's day. I feel like I'm living with a total stranger. We're so disconnected. He rushes off to work, and barely calls me anymore. We used to text all the time, and even though he still texts his friends, he can never me a text and when I do he takes forever to answer.

 

Never says anything nice to me no matter how hard I try to help him relax when he gets home from work. Tonight we had a "discussion" and he doesn't seem to think there is a problem in our marriage. He thinks he isn't doing anything wrong as long as he is bringing home money.

 

Am I delusional to think that marriage should be more than what I got now?

 

I'm so lonely and I think I'd rather be alone than lonely.

 

It seems that he wants a separate life from me too. He's exhibited the single guy behavior real well lately and I think he just doesn't love me anymore and it hurts. I thought he'd want to do things with me, such as talk to me, go out with me....etc.

 

Am I totally wrong for wanting more?

[Josmatjes]

No your not wrong.

My husband is obsessed with money, working or golf. When he is home he is either sleeping, watching sports or on his iPad.

I have been last on that list for years.

I ended up having an affair and after he found out I thought things would get better. For like 3 months he tried. Well now he is back to the way he was and I'm lonely again.

I'm thinking of divorce cause I'd rather be alone!

[CarrieT]

Maybe he knows you are having an affair and is deliberately pulling away.

 

If you want your marriage to change, you need to be honest with him and confess. He thinks it is okay to only bring money to the relationship and needs to know that his absence has caused you to look for comfort elsewhere.

[Angelita]

Well we just got into again. He's been home for less then 2 hours and he already has plans to leave. Not even 15 minutes ago I asked if he wanted to watch a movie but he said he was too tired but apparently not enough to keep him from hanging out with his friends. Uh I hate him sometimes

[Angelita]

No your not wrong.

My husband is obsessed with money, working or golf. When he is home he is either sleeping, watching sports or on his iPad.

I have been last on that list for years.

I ended up having an affair and after he found out I thought things would get better. For like 3 months he tried. Well now he is back to the way he was and I'm lonely again.

I'm thinking of divorce cause I'd rather be alone!

 

Same that's pretty much my story. It really sucks cause all I want is for us be happy like we used to.

 

I thought about getting a divorce but I still love the man

[Angelita]

Maybe he knows you are having an affair and is deliberately pulling away.

 

If you want your marriage to change, you need to be honest with him and confess. He thinks it is okay to only bring money to the relationship and needs to know that his absence has caused you to look for comfort elsewhere.

 

I doubt he knows about the affair I would have heard about it by now. He's not the kind of man to keep it to himself.

 

I planned to tell him about the affair and everything but nothing good can come from it. Our marriage is already in a bad spot telling him would only make worse.

[jbrent890]

I doubt he knows about the affair I would have heard about it by now. He's not the kind of man to keep it to himself.

 

I planned to tell him about the affair and everything but nothing good can come from it. Our marriage is already in a bad spot telling him would only make worse.

 

Actually you would be surprised how many spouses know about affairs but choose to keep them to themselves for a multitude of reasons. The biggest is because they start cheating themselves. I don't know if that's the case, but one of the biggest things I have noticed about cheaters is that they ALWAYS think that the BS isn't capable of cheating themselves. Now you say that confessing won't do any good, I beg to differ. The biggest thing that it will do is force action from your husband. He will either fix the issues in the marriage or call it quits. Listen, cheating on him is not working for you. Unlike a lot of WWs in your position, you actually still want your husband, but at the same time nothing is changing. Cheating isn't giving you the results you thought it would, it's only making you feel worse. Not to mention, several months later, you are still complaining about the same issues. This can't be healthy for you to keep going like this. If you confess and he doesn't change or he leaves you, at least you will finally be able to move on with your life. Chances are it will probably light a fire in his a$$ and cause him to change. You won't know until you do something.

[SJS]

No, you're not wrong for wanting more. However, if you felt detached enough to have an affair, don't you think he's probably feeling it too? You send him on vacations by himself...what message do you think that's sending to him? That you don't want to spend time with him. What do you do to create intimacy? You said you don't even ask how his day went. To him, working is contributing...have you thanked him? Or do you constantly nag and b*tch at him? He probably feels more valued to his friends than at home.

[Davey L]

From a working husband one comment in his defence. I used to work very long hours and my wife used to give me a hard time over it. Yet she always wanted more money. It frustrates and angered me that she was apparently unable to see the connection. I wanted some support from her when trying to make the money she wanted, not get a hard time at home after a hard day at work. It led to a cycle where I avoided going home when I'd had a stressful day at work. It was difficult to have a rational conversation about it when tired and stressed.

 

I'm not saying that is your situation but if there is an element of that going on is there anything positive you could do to help? Any financial cutbacks you would be willing to make? Also try to show some interest in his work; my wife didn't even know what I did for a living and it felt like she just didn't care.

 

Don't expect things to change overnight either. I found it hard to cut back on working hours and it took time to disengage myself from some of my responsibilities at work.

[bathtub-row]

So what if you love him? It doesn't excuse this ridiculous behavior and apparently now you've screwed up by having an affair. I guess I missed that part in your original post but in another one you seem to be saying that you did. Not a great decision. Your idiot husband stays with you because he knows you'll put up with him. What he's really doing is using you as his nanny and doing as he pleases. He doesn't have to pay child support nor does he have to deal with the kid. If you were divorced, he'd have to do both.

 

Stop the crying and stop the arguments. Crying only makes you look immature and weak. The best way to handle this is to calmly let him know that you guys either go to counseling or you're leaving him. And stick with that. Personally I wouldn't be too optimistic about him changing. He doesn't want a marriage, he wants a babysitter.

[elaine567]

I would not be surprised here if

A) he knows about your affair

B) He copes with that knowledge by either:-

• shutting you off, discarding you, and is punishing you by his detachment and being busy doing other things
  
• also having an affair.
  

 

If he truly doesn't know about the affair and is just stonewalling you, then you either have to learn to live with that situation, get help in the form of counselling for you both, or you need to consider a divorce.

 

Stonewalling in relationships, is highly predictive of divorce, and can be caused by lots of things going wrong in a marriage.

Stonewalling is also a form of emotional abuse and can be used by abusers to emotionally derange their victim. Does he abuse you in other ways?

[Arieswoman]

Angelita,

I'm sorry, but this isn't a marriage.

 

Just forget the affair at the moment.

 

You need to have a serious talk with your husband and ask him where he thinks you're going with this, because it seems to me that you aren't going anywhere together.

 

Maybe he has issues with intimacy and that's why he works such long hours?

 

I don't know.

 

But the only way you'll get an answer is to open channels of communication.

 

Good luck. x

[Angelita]

SJS

 

 

 

Ok the letting him go on a vacations by himself was a huge mistake. I was stupid for letting it happen but at the time I thought it would help and I wasn’t like I told him to go he was the one who wanted a vacation with his guy friends. I do ask him about his day and try to start up conversation he’s the one who doesn’t seem interested in what I have to say.

 

 

 

I will admit I do nag and I can a bit B*tch at times but it’s not like I’m asking for that much. I do all the house chores and I try to make sure all of it is done before he comes home. He offers little to no help. On top of that I still run my own business. I think I do more than enough to deserve some of his time.

 

 

 

jbrent890

 

 

 

My husband wouldn’t keep the affair to himself. I wouldn’t be able to hold it in and would have done something. Now if he was cheating on me then yeah I can see him just letting the whole thing go. When I say he isn’t cheating it’s not because I don’t think he would but because I have checked. I did my Snooping trying to find out if he was and I got nothing. Not even something to make think he was cheating.

 

 

 

I’m not going to confess. Telling my husband about the affair won’t do anything that you have mentioned but it maybe leading to a divorce.

 

 

 

Davey L

 

I never had a problem with my husband long hours he always kind of done it so I’m kind of got uses to it. He’s been working those kind of hours since we started dating. The only difference is he would always make time for me. I’ve always been support of whatever he wanted to do.

 

 

 

I’ve tried make some cutbacks but that’s not really the problem he just doesn’t seem interested in being around me anymore unless it’s as a family or something unless it leads to sex.

 

 

 

bathtub-row

 

 

 

I never said anything about the affair in my original post since it’s already over and done with.

 

 

 

I know it sounds like he might not be a good dad given the way I described him but he really does love our daughter and they do spend a lot of together. Sunday his only real day off is 100% about our daughter doing whatever they want and sometimes I join into.

 

 

 

I don’t want a divorce when everything still could be fixed so what easily.

 

 

 

elaine567

 

 

 

I would like to do counseling. I brought up few times and at point thought we had agreed to do it but at the last minute he decided he didn’t want to go.

 

 

 

I know what he doing isn’t great but we are still civil with each other. Right now we are in a bad spot but he usually isn’t this cold towards me. Like the last 2-3 week it’s like don’t even exist. I wouldn’t go as far and call it abuse but yeah this isn’t good.

 

 

 

Arieswoman

 

 

 

He could have a problem with intimacy I never thought about but our marriage is kind of the same one is parents have. They have been together for 30 plus years so I guess they most love each other but they don’t look like they’re that close. I never seen the hug, kiss each other or even hold each other hands. Although my hubby and me still enjoy a pretty good sex life but there isn’t that much emotion in it anymore.

 

 

 

Hubby is self-employed. He and his brother own a few different kind of business. I guess you could entrepreneur. So he’s a pretty busy guy.

[Popsicle]

Some workaholics love their work more than anything else. They also use it as a way to escape home life or other things they don't enjoy. They work even when they don't need to because they love it and/or money. These are the ones you should not be involved with if you truly want a close intimate relationship.

 

Other workaholics work a lot because they have no choice. Their job dictates it, not them, and you can tell that they would rather be doing something else and be with you, but they are working because they are doing for the family and for you. They will express this to you and make that clear and it's just a matter of you deciding that you appreciate him and his efforts and will stick by him. Those who have trouble showing this just don't feel it, and are probably the previous variety. You have to figure out which one he is.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Popsicle

[dichotomy]

From a non affair perspective - the long hours are one issue - it happens in some situations. The real issue is him taking vacations (?!) on his own without you, or going out with out you. Second - what does your life look like now ? What are you doing for you and your life - activities, friends, goals, etc.

 

From an affair perspective - how can you feel "unwanted" if you have an other man wanting you? Would seem to me this would make you fee very desired.

 

Generally - Its sounds to me like you both have your own lives now, but co parent and remain married.

Edited February 17, 2015 by dichotomy

[Angelita]

From a non affair perspective - the long hours are one issue - it happens in some situations. The real issue is him taking vacations (?!) on his own without you, or going out with out you. Second - what does your life look like now ? What are you doing for you and your life - activities, friends, goals, etc.

 

From an affair perspective - how can you feel "unwanted" if you have an other man wanting you? Would seem to me this would make you fee very desired.

 

Generally - Its sounds to me like you both have your own lives now, but co parent and remain married.

 

 

 

Ok for his personal vacations its only happened twice and its only for a few days. It’s not like it’s something he does a lot. He does go out a lot without me and I do feel like that’s a problem. I wouldn’t have a problem with him having his guy’s night if it was once or twice a month but not every week like now. All around am happy with the rest of my life besides my marriage everything else is great. I have a great set of friends. If I could get my marriage on track then everything would be prefect.

 

 

 

The affair is over for a few months now. The AP is no longer in the picture. So now it really feels like I have no one.

[jbrent890]

Ok for his personal vacations its only happened twice and its only for a few days. It’s not like it’s something he does a lot. He does go out a lot without me and I do feel like that’s a problem. I wouldn’t have a problem with him having his guy’s night if it was once or twice a month but not every week like now. All around am happy with the rest of my life besides my marriage everything else is great. I have a great set of friends. If I could get my marriage on track then everything would be prefect.

 

 

 

The affair is over for a few months now. The AP is no longer in the picture. So now it really feels like I have no one.

 

Angelita, you keep doing the exact same things with your husband and hoping things will be different. There is a word for that, it's called insanity. Your husband is not going to magically change into the person you want. At this stage in the game you have two options. You can be honest with your husband about your affair. This will set in motion a divorce or him stepping up. Option 2, you simply divorce and not confess. Your husband is not going change his ways. I can promise you this, if you keep going down this road, you are going to have another affair. I can see that as clear as day. Do really want that to happen again? I honestly fail to believe that you are going to stay in this marriage like this. This on you now.

[spanz1]

We had a blow out over our current situation. He is never home and he thinks he is contributing to marriage by working 70+ hours a week.

 

 

so him working his butt off is inconsequential? you are steering towards the rocks there!

 

 

Did you offer to get a job and work so he did not have to work so much?

 

 

I can tell you for certain, if you do not appreciate him working his butt off, he is NOT going to feel romantic or intimate with YOU...he is going to feel taken advantage of, and disgusted.

[Angelita]

so him working his butt off is inconsequential? you are steering towards the rocks there!

 

 

Did you offer to get a job and work so he did not have to work so much?

 

 

I can tell you for certain, if you do not appreciate him working his butt off, he is NOT going to feel romantic or intimate with YOU...he is going to feel taken advantage of, and disgusted.

 

 

 

 

I already have a job and I can take care of myself I don’t need my husband or anyone else to do it. He choose to work those crazy hours all on his own not. Honesty he doesn’t even need to work the way he does if he would cut back a bit and not waste money like its water on things he doesn’t even need.

 

 

 

I’ve always been very appreciative of what my husband does for me and our daughter. But sometimes less is more this is one of those times he’s to spend more time at home with me.

[DKT3]

Ok for his personal vacations its only happened twice and its only for a few days. It’s not like it’s something he does a lot. He does go out a lot without me and I do feel like that’s a problem. I wouldn’t have a problem with him having his guy’s night if it was once or twice a month but not every week like now. All around am happy with the rest of my life besides my marriage everything else is great. I have a great set of friends. If I could get my marriage on track then everything would be prefect.

 

 

 

The affair is over for a few months now. The AP is no longer in the picture. So now it really feels like I have no one.

Is the AP out of your life? Just weeks ago you were head over heels in love with him.

 

You also said you would confess after the holidays if your marriage wasn't improving. I told you as far back as Oct what you were planning wouldn't work, four months later and you've made very little progress.

 

You told me that your marriage wasn't damaged by your affair because your husband doesn't know. The problem is you know, and in your mind you are still holding your husband up against your AP.

 

The thing that sticks out on that front is you admitted the trouble in you marriage started at the same time as your affair, have you still not found the connection? Do you still honestly believe it has no impact on your marriage?

[writergal]

Why do people get married, only to cheat on their spouse and then justify lying about it? That's so disrespectful to the other person.

 

Please explain this to me -- why marry if you can't be loyal??

 

I would like to get married someday myself, but the more threads I read on LoveShack about how married people act when they have an affair, the less confident I feel about marriage in general as a promise of loyalty to each other.

[Eggplant]

I say you should start working 80 hours a week, and don't be home between 8 and 12 when he is. Go out and work at a coffee shop. Get home late and sleep on the couch. Wait a few months and notice whether he cares. If he doesn't, then there is nothing you can do.