siabe Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Hello, I’ve been with my boyfriend (30,I’m turning 27 in three days) for 2.5 years, we’re also living together and recently decided to buy a house together. Especially in the last six months it got really clear that he wants to spend his life with me, he started to talk about the future and children and told me he wants to be with me forever. So last year we talked about marriage for the first time. I wasn’t very happy to learn that he’s ‘not that into marriage’. He says for him it’s just a piece of paper and he already feels commited to me and nothing could ever change that. But if I want to get married we can, he wouldn’t mind being married to me and having a wedding and all that. I told him that yes, marriage is important to me (a big wedding not so much, but I want it to be special, have a ring, a dress etc.) and asked him when he could see us getting married. He said he doesn’t know. I dropped the topic. That was about three months ago. Fast forward, 10 days ago. We hadn’t talked about marriage again, as he suddenly said at breakfast ‘Listen, I have thought about the whole marriage thing and I think we should do it. It has many advantages yadda yadda’ (he started to talk about unromantic advantages like taxes, insurance, me getting his company benefits etc.). I always kinda expected that I wouldn’t get a romantic proposal since he apparently isn’t that kind of guy, but I hoped for a ring at least. Nothing. Just what he said. After first disappointment I told him that yes, I’d like to get married. I felt like in this moment we were engaged, even though I didn’t have a ring. He said ‘Great, I’ll call the notary immediately so we can pass by in the afternoon to ask what papers they need etc.’. I was so surprised about him already taking initiative- The same afternoon we actually went to the notary and asked a ton of things and left it with a lot of info. He seemed to be very convinced that we’re going to do this, even said we can maybe get married this or next months, and it made me happy, even though it lacked a proposal and a ring. Then, the next day, I asked him if he wants to get rings. He didn’t seem very convinced of this idea and said that he doesn’t really like wearing stuff on his hands (he doesn’t have any rings) and that maybe we could do something else, wristbands or so. I told him okay, we can have a look at that too, but to be honest I’d prefer having rings. He said ‘No problem, rings are okay too’. Then he didn’t say anything else do I dropped the topic. Four days later and he hadn’t brought up marriage again, not even a single word about looking at rings or ideas how to get married or whatever. Nothing. I wasn’t pissed or so, but I just felt I wanted to talk about it. So four days later (5 days after him asking me if I want to get married and went to the notary) I asked him if he has thought about the whole wedding things. He said no. Literally nothing else. Just no. I asked him why he hasn’t brought it up again- He immediately got angry and said that it’s only been a couple of days and doesn’t get my problem. I tried to explain him that there is no problem, that I would just like to talk about it and know what we’re going to do. That for me it’s important that it’s a very special day, maybe just the tow of us and that I want rings and I’d like to look at rings. The discussion heated up a bit (well, him getting angry, me getting sad) and it ended by him saying that he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore and that we can discuss it another day. That was it. That was 4 days ago. Ever since he hasn’t brought it up again and I also haven’t, because I’m scared to fight about it and because I want HIM to bring it up. He has been very normal all these days, cuddly, lovey-dovey and sweet as usual, but no marriage talk at all. Instead, he was asking me all week what I want from him as a birthday gift and I said I dunno, anything you think I would like (I was thinking ‘goddamn, all I want is a ring and a talk about marriage’ but I didn’t say a word). He has now planned for us traveling together four days starting on Tuesday, and I’m sure he won’t give me a ring. I ‘m also worried he won’t bring up getting married again. Even more worried since one of his friends (who lives in another city) visited us yesterday and asked about marriage. The conversation was basically like this (in the car): Friend: So your friends X and Y are married or not? My BF: Yea, they are. Friend: So you two are the only ones living in sin without marriage? (laughing, obviously a joke) My BF: Yes. (laughing too). He didn’t mention to his friend in a single word that we’re getting married this year or that we want to get married. This worries me even more. If he hadn’t brought up the whole marriage conversation 1.5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t freak out so much (although I’ve been hoping for a proposal for a while), but why does he bring it up and seem that he really wants to do it and then just stops talking about it completly?? I don’t get it- And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the idiot who brings it up again, I want him to say something but it seems like he doesn’t. I don’t need to plan the whole wedding right now, I just want to talk a bit about it at least, setting a date to go look for rings, buy rings and start planning. What would you do in my shoes? Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'd say to him that you love him, want to get married but you would like a bit more romance -- some kind of ring, a traditional proposal & then a bit of an event, even if that is just you wearing a nice dress when you go to City Hall. Sitting there seething because he is not bringing up something he doesn't even know you want to talk about is unfair. A good marriage is based on communication. You have to be able to talk about the hard stuff. This is your 1st test so open your mouth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 But I have told him already what I want. He knows. Last year, when we talked about marriage for the first time, I told him that I want to get married and that it is important to me. 9 days ago, the day after he proposed to me, I asked him if he wants to get rings and that having rings is important to me. Four days after that, I told him that making the day special is important to me, having rings, a dress etc. He knows. But he doesn't seem to want to talk about it Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Then push, gently. Say hey next Saturday is Valentine's day. I think it would be really romantic if we went to Town Jewelers over on Main Street in your town to pick out our rings. Does that work for you? Take some initiative. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I would leave him. He sounds like a jerk to me. Really, getting angry over rings? Wristbands? Omigod. You've hit on something here. He knows these things are important to you. It's not a communication problem. It's a caring problem. You cannot fix that. Now you gotta admit the truth. These things are not important to him. That they're important to you means nothing to him. He doesn't care about what's important to you. He gets mad at you to shut you up because He Does Not Care About What is Important to You. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I try to see both sides on posts like this but he is behaving like an a$$. He seems withholding and unpredictable. He also doesn't seem to know how to deal with conflict. How out of character is his behaviour? Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I would leave him. He sounds like a jerk to me. Really, getting angry over rings? Wristbands? Omigod. You've hit on something here. He knows these things are important to you. It's not a communication problem. It's a caring problem. You cannot fix that. Now you gotta admit the truth. These things are not important to him. That they're important to you means nothing to him. He doesn't care about what's important to you. He gets mad at you to shut you up because He Does Not Care About What is Important to You. The first time I asked him about rings (a day after he asked about getting married) he didn't get angry at all, he shortly discussed with me that he doesn't like rings and would prefer something else, but if I want rings that's ok too. Then he immediately dropped the topic though, didn't suggest we could look at rings these days. When I brought it up again four days later he got angry, saying that 'it's only been a couple of days' and he doesn't get what my problem is (I told him that I'm concerned because he hasn't mentioned getting married or looking at rings anymore at all). You (and the others) are right- It looks like he doesn't care that it is important to me. When I got sad that day when I brought it up the second time (4 days ago) he even said in an angry voice 'Sorry I'm not making you as happy as you want to be'. Wtf? He could easily make me happy by just talking about that thing. Our relationship is wonderful except of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Blunana81 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Maybe he likes the idea of a committed parternship without the hassle of getting the government involved. When you think about how many marriages end in divorce, I really can't blame the man for being reserved on the topic. Maybe the reason he won't commit in that way is because he has doubts in his mind about how long you two will actually last as a couple. Just a thought... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 just wait. 4+ days of ignoring the topic doesn't seem like a big portion of time when you've been together 2.5 with nothing before this. and why would he mention it to anyone? it's not really "formal" since you don't have the ring yet and maybe he is actually planning something nice® for you Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 It baffles me that people date for years without having the discussion about marriage! You both should have talked about your views on marriage within the first year! If you are investing months and approaching a year with someone, WHY would you not make sure that you were on the same page regarding things like marriage or kids?>! Sorry to say but this is on you too - you should have asked him his views on marriage earlier on. Your views aren't compatible. Marriage is important to me too, so I wouldn't allow myself to date a guy who wasn't marriage minded and who didn't want to celebrate a wedding with his family and friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Why is marriage only open for discussion when he feels like discussing it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I know that he loves me and that he wants to spend his life with me, that's not it. The problem also isn't that he doesn't have the exact ideas about marriage- Although it isn't ideal what he thinks about marriage, I'm willing to accept it. In the past he has already told me that he understands that marriage is important to me and that he would do it for me because he really loves me. The problem also isn't that I wanted to get married asap-I could have waited a bit longer for a proposal. The problem is that HE was the one bringing it up and even seemed excited about it (for a guy who isn't convinced of the concept of marriage) and now he doesn't even mention it anymore at all. I brought it up twice ever since he asked me if I wanna marry him and once he didn't say much to it, the second time he got angry and said we should talk another day about it. How often am I supposed to bring it up again? I think it's his turn if he really wants it. By the way, if he really wants something he doesn't wait usually. For example, he just started a new sports (mountain biking) and directly bought everything he needed- From the bike, over the helmet, to little accessories. So I guess if he really wanted to get married he would have brought it up again already. But then I don't understand why he even asked me at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Why is marriage only open for discussion when he feels like discussing it? Maybe she is addressing it from her side and not from the relationship side? There does seem to be alot of 'what is important to her" without addressing what is important to the relationship in general. I have yet to see a ring save a marriage.... In kind regards to the OP ,she does seem dedicated to her bf and willing to make the commitment. Thats her gift to the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) There doesn't seem to be a lot of intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy is not only sexual but emotional: talking, sharing, and being open about things that are important to each of you. If you cannot even be intimate about the topic of marriage... it doesn't look good to me. I think you're lucky you question it now so that you can free yourself. A major reason women file for divorce is emotional neglect. They keep telling their husbands their needs, keep getting ignored, finally give up and stop talking. The husbands think the "nagging" has finally stopped and the marriage is great, only to be blindsided by the divorce. This scenario is so common and I see the seeds of it in your relationship. Edited February 9, 2015 by loveboid grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Why is marriage only open for discussion when he feels like discussing it? cuz women often operate from a place of fear when it comes to marriage discussions. fear that if she brings it up too often he'll run off and change his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm not afraid to talk to him, I usually feel like I can talk about everything with him. I also talked about marriage with him- Last year I told him that it's important to me and since he asked me if I want to get married (10 days ago) I brought up the topic twice because I wasn't afraid. BUT I haven't gotten the reaction I was hoping for, so now I haven't brought it up anymore because I was hoping if I keep quiet for a while he will maybe make a move- Which still hasn't happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'd say to him that you love him, want to get married but you would like a bit more romance -- some kind of ring, a traditional proposal & then a bit of an event, even if that is just you wearing a nice dress when you go to City Hall. Sitting there seething because he is not bringing up something he doesn't even know you want to talk about is unfair. A good marriage is based on communication. You have to be able to talk about the hard stuff. This is your 1st test so open your mouth. Did we read the same post? Because that's exactly what she said she told him, over and over. I haven't read the other responses yet but really, how does this reply even remotely relate to the OP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 OP you do not want this guy. I know you think that you do now, but you don't - 5, or 7, or 10+ years from now. Please get out. You won't be sorry. This man doesn't want to be married to you, and it is a very LONG time to be married to someone like that. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 What would you do in my shoes? Thank you so much! I'd guess he'll come around, but it will be at his pace not yours. You already knew his reluctance so to stress over progress based on a few days is only guaranteed to create friction. Back off and let him process what needs to be done... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm not a big fan of the increasing pressure on men to pull off some attention-grabbing stunt when proposing marriage...but even I would say that talking about tax benefits is not the way to go about it 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 OP, google the phrase, "buyers, renters, freeloaders and marriage." It sounds like he's a renter and not a buyer. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Did we read the same post? Because that's exactly what she said she told him, over and over. I haven't read the other responses yet but really, how does this reply even remotely relate to the OP? We apparently did not read it the same way. What I read was that HE brought up marriage a year ago, then 3 months ago, then there were some conversations with in the last week. He expressed his ideas but other than her saying she wanted rings, she has yet to speak her mind & tell him what her vision for their shared future looks like. She admits that she wanted HIM to start the conversation & it was clear to me that she was upset because he hadn't. The point of my post was that if the OP doesn't feel like she's being heard by her "FI" then they shouldn't get married until they learn to communicate better. If she can't talk to him about the tough stuff & she can't make him at least acknowledge her position (his sarcastic I'm sorry I'm not making you happy doesn't count) then there is a problem that needs correcting before marriage. Some people don't plan. If one person wants specifics, then it may be up to that person to make it a multiple choice question: do you want to go on Friday, Saturday or Tuesday to the jewelry store? Do you want to go to the one on Main Street or did you have another one in mind? To a limited extend, pressing for specific answers / responses is required. Link to post Share on other sites
ArtsAndCrafts Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I think we're dancing around the real point. It isn't that he won't marry her. It isn't that they aren't communicating. It's that her expectations are unrealistic & destined to be unmet. She wants him to WANT marriage. She wants his vision of marriage to match hers. She wants him to act & think like her. It's not going to happen. She's giving him a test, but she's changing the exam questions while he's still taking the test. The first question was, "will you marry me because I really want it?" He answered yes. Then she changed the question to, "Will you read my mind and know telepathically that you need to now pretend to be romantic & gung ho about something you don't believe in." OP, your big mistake is expecting him to be all excited about getting engaged & getting married. He will never do that. You know it. Either reset your expectations & know that you will have to drive the marriage issue (and not be angry or hurt by this) or realize that you two are fundamentally incompatible on marriage and let him go. Bottom line: accept him as he is and be happy with a relationship that isn't what you've previously envisioned or find someone who believes what you believe. Understand you WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I think we're dancing around the real point. It isn't that he won't marry her. It isn't that they aren't communicating. It's that her expectations are unrealistic & destined to be unmet. She wants him to WANT marriage. She wants his vision of marriage to match hers. She wants him to act & think like her. It's not going to happen. She's giving him a test, but she's changing the exam questions while he's still taking the test. The first question was, "will you marry me because I really want it?" He answered yes. Then she changed the question to, "Will you read my mind and know telepathically that you need to now pretend to be romantic & gung ho about something you don't believe in." OP, your big mistake is expecting him to be all excited about getting engaged & getting married. He will never do that. You know it. Either reset your expectations & know that you will have to drive the marriage issue (and not be angry or hurt by this) or realize that you two are fundamentally incompatible on marriage and let him go. Bottom line: accept him as he is and be happy with a relationship that isn't what you've previously envisioned or find someone who believes what you believe. Understand you WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. This......also he may have gotten cold feet since he brought it up the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Maybe he's planning something special for valentines day, give it till next week. Personally, I would want someone that had a similar vision about marriage as I do, i wouldn't be so sure about a guy who only wanted to get married because I wanted to. If my husband had mentioned tax breaks and company benefits, I really don't know what I would have said. He's certainly a practical kind of guy and sounds safe. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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