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Hello All,

 

I am looking for some insight with my marriage of 14 years.

 

Two days ago my wife told me that she needed space and that she felt confused, trapped and smothered. This news absolutely blind-sided me as I had no idea she was having these feelings or was this unhappy. She has been going through somewhat of a mid-life crisis for the past few months and says that she feels like she is missing out on life. She tells me half of her wants to be married to me and the other half wants to be single and free. This is the first time she has ever spoken of this to me.

 

She says she feels trapped and suffocated in our marriage. I honestly don't know where these feelings come from other than her sudden urge to be living the single life. She has always avoided conflict in the past and it is very hard for me to ever get her to speak the truth on how she feels.

 

We have a daughter who is 12 and despite our best efforts over the past couple of days, is already picking up on the rift between Mommy and Daddy.

 

She admitted to having an "emotional" affair with a co-worker but says that she has ended it. I have no reason to suspect she is lying about that. I've always trusted her.

 

How do I give her the space she wants without losing her? I have been with this woman all of my adult life. She is my rock, my sunshine. My natural instinct is to do whatever I can to make her happy but I am afraid that will only frustrate her more. We are not living separate but I feel that she will ask me to leave our home at least for a little while.

 

Every second that goes by I just feel her slipping away!

 

How do I give her space to explore her feelings and still make her understand that I don't want her to go? How do I approach a separation with our daughter? What, if any, rules should be established if we do a trial separation?

 

I get the feeling that she wants her cake and eat it too. I think she wants the stability I provide her and the excitement of single life. I don't think I am built for an "open" marriage and I can't see myself agreeing to see other people while we are separated. I just don't think that is constructive.

 

Has anyone else faced similar challenges? How did you move forward? Counseling? Divorce?

 

I am soooo lost right now! :(

 

T

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You have to talk to her. Counseling may help. Make sure she knows you love her. Get her to discuss why she feels smothered. Does she have hobbies outside of the marriage? I think some of this may be GIGS caused by the EA with the co-worker. Unfortunately, she does have the power to blow up your marriage if she really wants out.

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I have been trying to talk to her a little bit each day. It ends up me doing most of the talking.

 

She complains about having no life outside of the family/marriage. I encourage her to go out and make new friends but she says she feels like I will get mad at her if she takes a "girls night out" Or meets friends for dinner. I have never complained or made a snide comment. I would love for her to have a healthy social life! That is something she set aside a long time ago because she didn't like the circle of friends she had.

 

I do feel that she is being manipulated by people at work. I've seen this happen myself where a group of people circle around someone who is having troubles at home to try and "help" them through.

 

I've got an appointment to see a counselor tomorrow. I invited her to come with but she declined.

 

In the end, all I want is her to be happy. If that is apart from me then I will have to find a way to accept it.

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Do you know any of her GFs? If so set up a GNO with them for her. Perhaps get her a gift certificate to get a mani pedi or massage. You need to show her that you not only won't get mad if she takes time for herself but that you encourage it.

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Unfortunately I don't know any of her new friends from work. I have met them but I am unsure if they are counseling her. I did purchase her a spa package for V-day. I figured that would be better than forcing her on a date with me that she may not want to go on.

 

I could talk to her aunt. They are pretty close in age and maybe I could ask her to take her out for some girl's time.

 

Thanks so much for your advice/thoughts.

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Hmmm, I don't think doing things that you think will make her feel loved is going to work in your favour. If she's already feeling smothered by your marriage, (and I hate to say it but that means she's feeling smothered by you) anything you do for her isn't going to give her a feeling of space, you'll just look more of a doormat.

 

So rather than showing her you love her, because she already knows that, you need to demonstrate that you are worth loving. i.e. not a doormat.

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You are right. I am working on myself in the meantime. I do understand that she needs to be reminded why she fell for me in the first place. People change a lot over 20 years.

 

I have been fighting the urge to be "Mr. Fixit". Its hard for me to sit around and do nothing though.

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You are right. I am working on myself in the meantime. I do understand that she needs to be reminded why she fell for me in the first place. People change a lot over 20 years.

I have been fighting the urge to be "Mr. Fixit". Its hard for me to sit around and do nothing though.

 

I read this and just have tons of questions left unanswered. What does your family financial picture look like? Who did she have an emotional affair with? Who stopped it? How did you find out? Why do you not think that her sudden marital dissatisfaction is caused by her affair?

 

Seriously guy! Your wife is/was cheating on you. You seem to think this to be an inconsequential fact. That attitude is probably why she felt the need to cheat in the first place. I read your post here and there is really no passion, but fear and bedwetting.

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You should allow her the space she needs, but do not be a doormat and do not kiss her bootie.

 

If she is planning on leaving the house, there is little you can do to stop her.

 

The more you beg her to stay, the more she's likely to run away from you.

 

You are in a hard position. If you haven't already, go talk to an attorney, just get yourself prepared. If she leaves the house, she could automatically give up certain rights (if you are in the US). In any case, know your rights.

 

Be prepared to protect yourself and your daughter.

 

Also, talk to family. Get support, take care of you...

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I think too, unfortunately, that you should move to the infidelity section on LS. A lot of people there with realistically brutal insight and advice. One thing from me though, DON'T TAKE SH*T from her.

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Just a few points in no particular order -

 

- direct translation of " I feel smothered" = I am no longer attracted to you and no longer wish to be monogamous with you.

 

- direct translation of "I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or be free and single." = " I want to screw other men but want to retain the benifits of security and safety and level of lifestyle that marriage brings."

 

 

- you absolutely without question must do your own investigating to determine in her affair is truly over with 0% contact or whether she is still involved with other man/men or not. If she is still involved with another man to any degree, your efforts to save your marriage will all be in vain. It is completely impossible to save and reconcile a marriage while getting loved up by another man on the side.

 

You cannot simply ask her this. She will lie and cover it up and sweep it under the rug. You must do your own investigating without her knowing about it.

 

- there is an extremely high likelihood that you will find out her affair was actually physical.

 

- this situation may possibly be salvageable but you will have to have rock-solid boundaries and you will have to smack down hard with even a pinkie toe stepping over the line. You cannot "nice" her back into the fold. Only solid strength and uncompromising boundaries will keep this marriage alive.

 

(And even that in depending on what you discover during your investigation. All bets are going to be on that you find out she has only admitted the tip of the iceberg)

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I read this and just have tons of questions left unanswered. What does your family financial picture look like? Who did she have an emotional affair with? Who stopped it? How did you find out? Why do you not think that her sudden marital dissatisfaction is caused by her affair?

 

Seriously guy! Your wife is/was cheating on you. You seem to think this to be an inconsequential fact. That attitude is probably why she felt the need to cheat in the first place. I read your post here and there is really no passion, but fear and bedwetting.

 

Our family finances aren't too bad. We have no significant debt other than our mortgage which has about 7 yrs or so left.

 

Her affair was with a coworker. She would not give me any more information other than not to contact this person. I get the impression he is married. I have pressed her further and she tells me that the affair was just some flirting. I think it may have been more to get her as stirred up as she is. She told me that she called the person and ended it. I found out by noticing over 400 text messages between her and this person when I was paying the phone bill.

 

I don't think the affair is/was inconsequential. I think it has definitely contributed to the situation but I don't think it was the sole cause. I could be dead wrong. I haven't been exactly accurate in reading her obviously.

 

I agree with you that initially my reaction was fear and heartbreak. But the more I talk to friends and family I realize that I have to work on me and let her go through what she needs to go through.

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Just a few points in no particular order -

 

- direct translation of " I feel smothered" = I am no longer attracted to you and no longer wish to be monogamous with you.

 

- direct translation of "I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or be free and single." = " I want to screw other men but want to retain the benifits of security and safety and level of lifestyle that marriage brings."

 

 

- you absolutely without question must do your own investigating to determine in her affair is truly over with 0% contact or whether she is still involved with other man/men or not. If she is still involved with another man to any degree, your efforts to save your marriage will all be in vain. It is completely impossible to save and reconcile a marriage while getting loved up by another man on the side.

 

You cannot simply ask her this. She will lie and cover it up and sweep it under the rug. You must do your own investigating without her knowing about it.

 

- there is an extremely high likelihood that you will find out her affair was actually physical.

 

- this situation may possibly be salvageable but you will have to have rock-solid boundaries and you will have to smack down hard with even a pinkie toe stepping over the line. You cannot "nice" her back into the fold. Only solid strength and uncompromising boundaries will keep this marriage alive.

 

(And even that in depending on what you discover during your investigation. All bets are going to be on that you find out she has only admitted the tip of the iceberg)

 

Excellent points Oldshirt.

 

I am still monitoring the cellphone but she knows that. I have my eyes wide open. I have some people getting me the person's name.

 

We actually discussed separation last night. I agreed but with boundaries. She didn't want *ANY* boundaries. To which I said, then why separate?

 

She wants her cake and eat it too. I told her it was all or nothing. I cannot participate in an open marriage.

 

I made it very clear to her that if she wanted to go out as a single woman with no boundaries then that is what she would have to be. I cannot be in a marriage with her when she has one foot out the door.

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Her affair was with a coworker. She would not give me any more information other than not to contact this person. I get the impression he is married. I have pressed her further and she tells me that the affair was just some flirting. I think it may have been more to get her as stirred up as she is. She told me that she called the person and ended it. I found out by noticing over 400 text messages between her and this person when I was paying the phone bill.

 

I'd be awfully tempted to contact your cell service provider and get copies of the text messages. In your situation, knowledge is power. And the more she tries to rug-sweep and deny, the more you should be concerned about what she's trying to protect.

 

Why wouldn't she want you to see "some flirting" :confused::confused::confused::confused: ????

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'd be awfully tempted to contact your cell service provider and get copies of the text messages. In your situation, knowledge is power. And the more she tries to rug-sweep and deny, the more you should be concerned about what she's trying to protect.

 

Why wouldn't she want you to see "some flirting" :confused::confused::confused::confused: ????

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Is that even legal without a court order?

 

A very good question! I am starting to realize how blind I have become.

 

She did tell me that this other person was worried I would come after them.

 

I face-booked and googled the phone number but got nothing.

 

I do have someone looking into it for me though.

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Excellent points Oldshirt.

 

I am still monitoring the cellphone but she knows that. I have my eyes wide open. I have some people getting me the person's name.

 

We actually discussed separation last night. I agreed but with boundaries. She didn't want *ANY* boundaries. To which I said, then why separate?

 

She wants her cake and eat it too. I told her it was all or nothing. I cannot participate in an open marriage.

 

I made it very clear to her that if she wanted to go out as a single woman with no boundaries then that is what she would have to be. I cannot be in a marriage with her when she has one foot out the door.

 

That is the position you are going to need to take and you are going to have to enforce those boundaries to the letter with the iron hand of discipline. I am not talking about actual physical force or threats of violence obviously, but you are exactly on the money in regards to all in or all out.

 

A separation may be order but solid boundaries are an absolutely critical component and any crossing of any boundary must be met with swift and decisive action.

 

She has the right to screw other people and be a carefree single woman, but if you continue to provide her support and resources while she's does it, you are just a chump and a cuckhold and all will be lost.

 

Only solid boundaries and unwavering strength will have any possibility of this marriage surviving intact.

 

You cannot control her. You can only control what you do and you are the one to decide what you will and will not tolerate.

 

The key feature you will learn through this is words are hollow and are worthless. Actions and behaviors are everything. You are what you do, not what you say.

 

This applies to both her and you. If she says one thing but does something else, her actions are the truth and the reality. If you say one thing but do another - your words mean nothing but what you do says it all.

 

You said the right words, but in order for them to mean anything, you have to back them up with deed instantly and decisively or they are just sounds coming out of your mouth.

 

This will be one of your biggest personal tests as a man and a human being.

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Her affair was with a coworker. She would not give me any more information other than not to contact this person. I get the impression he is married. I have pressed her further and she tells me that the affair was just some flirting. I think it may have been more to get her as stirred up as she is. She told me that she called the person and ended it. I found out by noticing over 400 text messages between her and this person when I was paying the phone bill.

 

I don't think the affair is/was inconsequential. I think it has definitely contributed to the situation but I don't think it was the sole cause. I could be dead wrong. I haven't been exactly accurate in reading her obviously.

 

.

 

 

You are actually going to have to do a lot more investigating. I promise you on my mothers grave and all that is holy in this world there is a lot more going on here than what she has confessed.

 

You absolutely have to do some digging and peeling back the layers on your own. She has proven herself a lier and admits to not wanting any more digging into this. That is why you must. A couple reasons for that. One is reconciliation will be impossible and a waste of breath if she is still getting her bread buttered by another man.

 

And secondly, you may not even choose to try to work this out if you know what has actually taken place. You must know the truth so you cam make an informed decision on whether to circle your wagons, cut your losses and move on with your own life vs trying to work through this and trying to save the marriage.

 

You can't ask her or talk to her about this. She will hide, destroy and bury evidence and if they are maintaining contact, they will take it deeper underground. You want her to think you are naive and believing her while you peel back the layers.

 

You need to do as suggested above and get txt records and phone logs. You need to hack her computer and emails and Facebook. Hack her phone for other chat features and skype etc

 

Stash a GPS tracker and voice activated recorder in her car (cheaters talk to their APs in the car)

 

This is worthy of hiring a PI and consulting an attorney to be sure that wiretapping laws and such aren't being broken. A PI will be able to determine if the OM is visiting her at her new place.

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And finally, it's ok to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Do not stick your head in the ground and rely on her good nature and her mercy.

 

Get to an attorney yesterday and start preparing divorce papers and start protecting your assets and properties. Under your attorneys legal guidance start getting your monies moved into your own private accounts where she can't have access. Get her name off of your credit cards. Make sure that your house and car documents are safe so she has no access etc etc etc.

 

Make no mistakes, many men have been drained dry in a day with a whole lot less red flags and a lot less warning signs than what you have going on right now.

 

A divorce can always be called off a minute before the gavel comes down and people can even remarry down the road after a divorce, but if she drains the bank accounts dry and screws with the titles of the cars, you may never see any of that again.

 

This is a serious, potentially life-changing event taking place here. Do not lull yourself into thinking it is just a "rough patch that every marriage has". Or think it is a simple lovers spat and all will be well by the weekend.

 

This may blow over and be ok in a number sprays or weeks, but for all you know at this point, she and the OM may have been planning this for months and this "separation" is actually a romantic getaway to the Bahamas on your dime.

 

At this point you have no clue what it is so you must prepare for the worst.

 

Most attorneys offices close at 5pm so depending on your time zone, you must act fast.

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You are actually going to have to do a lot more investigating. I promise you on my mothers grave and all that is holy in this world there is a lot more going on here than what she has confessed.

 

You absolutely have to do some digging and peeling back the layers on your own. She has proven herself a lier and admits to not wanting any more digging into this. That is why you must. A couple reasons for that. One is reconciliation will be impossible and a waste of breath if she is still getting her bread buttered by another man.

 

And secondly, you may not even choose to try to work this out if you know what has actually taken place. You must know the truth so you cam make an informed decision on whether to circle your wagons, cut your losses and move on with your own life vs trying to work through this and trying to save the marriage.

 

You can't ask her or talk to her about this. She will hide, destroy and bury evidence and if they are maintaining contact, they will take it deeper underground. You want her to think you are naive and believing her while you peel back the layers.

 

You need to do as suggested above and get txt records and phone logs. You need to hack her computer and emails and Facebook. Hack her phone for other chat features and skype etc

 

Stash a GPS tracker and voice activated recorder in her car (cheaters talk to their APs in the car)

 

This is worthy of hiring a PI and consulting an attorney to be sure that wiretapping laws and such aren't being broken. A PI will be able to determine if the OM is visiting her at her new place.

 

I was operating under the "trust but confirm" mantra but you make very solid points.

 

I can't accept her word because her word has lost its integrity.

 

Hiring the PI and GPSing her car seem a little much to be honest but again I am not thinking like a cheater.

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I was operating under the "trust but confirm" mantra but you make very solid points.

 

I can't accept her word because her word has lost its integrity.

 

Hiring the PI and GPSing her car seem a little much to be honest but again I am not thinking like a cheater.

 

I'm sorry but she waived her trust when she had an affair with OM, wanted a separation and requested you to stay out of her affairs (pun truly not intended).

 

This is potentially a very serious legal and financial and child custodial matter as well as a relationship issue. You simply cannot afford to have your guard down and trust anything you haven't verified with your own eyes and even the eyes of a lawyer and other disinterested third parties.

 

As far as PIs and recording devices, opinions will differ but I think this specific case has some special merit.

 

Much here hinders on how much you truly know about what she is up to. This may simply be a middle aged woman having some midlife crisis and needing some time in a counselors office to pull her head out of the clouds that liked a little flirting with that guy down in accounting.

 

...or it may be a full-blown affair with plans to take off with him leaving scorched earth in their wake.

 

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle between those two extremes. Either way you must know what is happening to your world ASAP.

 

in two weeks you two may be a happy and healthy couple again - or you could be in the fight of your life trying to preserve what you can of your assets, property and contact with your children.

 

You don't have the luxury of guesswork and speculation at this moment.

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I'm sorry but she waived her trust when she had an affair with OM, wanted a separation and requested you to stay out of her affairs (pun truly not intended).

 

This is potentially a very serious legal and financial and child custodial matter as well as a relationship issue. You simply cannot afford to have your guard down and trust anything you haven't verified with your own eyes and even the eyes of a lawyer and other disinterested third parties.

 

As far as PIs and recording devices, opinions will differ but I think this specific case has some special merit.

 

Much here hinders on how much you truly know about what she is up to. This may simply be a middle aged woman having some midlife crisis and needing some time in a counselors office to pull her head out of the clouds that liked a little flirting with that guy down in accounting.

 

...or it may be a full-blown affair with plans to take off with him leaving scorched earth in their wake.

 

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle between those two extremes. Either way you must know what is happening to your world ASAP.

 

in two weeks you two may be a happy and healthy couple again - or you could be in the fight of your life trying to preserve what you can of your assets, property and contact with your children.

 

You don't have the luxury of guesswork and speculation at this moment.

 

I hear you loud and clear Oldshirt.

 

I have my first counseling session tomorrow. I am already making plans to be less accessible and more busy in my time off. I am making plans with my old friends and am going to consistently and steadily move on with my life with or without her.

 

However, I have to protect myself. I do get that. A few days ago I'd never think my wife would cheat on me. I can't afford to be blind anymore.

 

Thanks for all of your suggestions and counsel!

 

T

 

P.S. I will check back in and update as this plays itself out. Its been very therapeutic for me.

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I hear you loud and clear Oldshirt.

 

I have my first counseling session tomorrow. I am already making plans to be less accessible and more busy in my time off. I am making plans with my old friends and am going to consistently and steadily move on with my life with or without her.

 

However, I have to protect myself. I do get that. A few days ago I'd never think my wife would cheat on me. I can't afford to be blind anymore.

 

Thanks for all of your suggestions and counsel!

 

T

 

P.S. I will check back in and update as this plays itself out. Its been very therapeutic for me.

 

 

Is this IC or MC?

 

if it's a joint MC session, don't think for a second she won't lie right to the counselors face. She may even get mad and pop off if she thinks the counselor is getting up in her business too much.

 

Let the counselor do the asking and the prodding. Don't ask a word and don't show your hand. Just sit back and study her. Look for "tells" that she is lying or hiding something.

 

Your investigating hinges on her not thinking you are looking.

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Is that even legal without a court order?

 

A very good question! I am starting to realize how blind I have become.

 

She did tell me that this other person was worried I would come after them.

 

I face-booked and googled the phone number but got nothing.

 

I do have someone looking into it for me though.

 

Is it your joint/family account? If so, pretty easy process, no court order needed.

 

As Oldshirt has tried to prepare you, I'd guess you'll find:

 

1) "I love you"

2). Sexual discussion

3). Confirmation of meet-ups

4). Possibly pictures

5). Discussion of a future that doesn't include you

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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