Really getting me down

[SunshineGirlie]

Hi all. This is my first post here, although I've searched for relationship advice in the past and have seen some posts here and there. Apologies in advance because I know I can be a bit long-winded.

 

I have a lot of issues in my marriage right now. I don't even have time to get into all of them at the moment, but I will say that fortunately, there isn't any kind of emotional or physical cheating going on, nor is there any type of physical abuse.

 

My husband and I have been married for less than a year. He is from the U.K., and I am from the U.S. We finally bridged the gap and he moved here and we got married.

 

Anyhow, we are both passionate, fiery people, which makes for some amazing times, and for some not-so-amazing times. When things are good they are either good or AMAZING. When things are bad, they are awful. I feel that my husband is sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive. He cannot handle conflict - especially if some of the conflict rests with things he has done or said that have upset me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have found myself crying more and more often lately. I was in a longer term marriage before I married my husband and my first husband and I divorced, quite simply, because I fell out of love and tried so hard to get it back, but it just wasn't there. We basically grew up and our hearts grew apart. I never, ever had issues getting along with my ex-husband...but he was also a very passive, easygoing person. My husband, on the other hand, picks little fights with me over the most trivial of issues.

 

Here is an example. We both work from home at the moment. He typically takes my daughter to school in the mornings so that I can get started with work earlier (I make my own hours whereas he works a set schedule.) I have to leave to pick my daughter up from school every day and am typically gone for 45 minutes during this time, so it is a good system that has worked well for us. I try and take her at least once a week, because my daughter enjoys it, and it gives me an opportunity to check in with her teacher, too.

 

My husband has an interview later on this morning that he is a little nervous about. It's not for some intimidating, hard-to-get position, but he is just nervous and obviously wants to make a good impression. He asked me last night if I would take my daughter to school so that he could spend time getting ready, rehearsing what he would say in the interview, etc. I asked him if he could flip-flop with me and pick her up, so that I could work straight through (he has been wanting me to work extra hours for financial purposes) and he declined. Well, I thought about it as I went to bed and when I woke up and thought, if it makes his day easier and his morning go more smoothly, I want to do this for him, even if it meant I don't get quite as many hours today.

 

So I got my daughter up, got her dressed and ready for school, and she went to the kitchen to eat her breakfast (this is our routine every morning.) In the meantime, rather than start work or do a few chores like I always do while she is eating, I got myself ready to take her to school. 15 minutes later, I then went into our living room, where my daughter and husband were, and told my daughter to get her backpack on so we could leave. Long story short, my husband became annoyed with me that I was taking her to school and said, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" and was badgering me for not promptly advising him I was taking her to school. I didn't tell him earlier because I was getting my daughter ready and immediately got myself ready and my husband wasn't anywhere around. I told him I was doing him a favor and didn't understand why he was angry and not appreciative. He then accused me of trying to "start with [him]." I told him maybe he would cool down and think about the way he's treating me when I returned.

 

Got back home and he thanked me for taking her to school. He told me the reason he got upset is because I didn't tell him ahead of time, and that I need to communicate better. I told him, very calmly, I still couldn't believe I was getting in "trouble" for doing something to make his morning easier. I was genuinely in shock that he kept bringing up what I had done wrong when I had tried to do something nice and helpful. He then started pointing his finger and yelling at me, before storming off.

 

Once he came back in the room, I told him I was sorry he was stressed out. And he said, "I'm fine." I asked him why if he was fine he would speak to his wife the way he had been speaking to me all morning. He again said I needed to communicate better and that I never take her to school which is why it threw him off guard? I told him that I try to do that about once a week. He pointed out that I did not take her to school last week. I remembered that my older children had a few events I had to tend to last week so it was busy and he's right - I didn't take her last week...although that is certainly not the norm. I told him that while he was correct, I didn't take her last week, I try and take her once a week. He said that's not true. He said, "You're lying." Lying?! Why on earth would I lie about something like that?! I am not a liar and he knows this - I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet - so to call me a liar is not only gaslighting but it's also completely inflammatory and untrue.

 

At that point, I actually broke down in tears because this is part and parcel for this man. He will point out things that have nothing to do with the situation at hand, or he will call me names, or he will tell me to "get over it" or "get a grip" if I'm upset. I am SO SO frustrated. I know this morning probably seems like a silly thing to cry over, and my tears were very short lived (I am NOT a girl who cries at the drop of a hat!) but I know it was out of exasperation.

 

I should also say that I don't ask him to do much to help out - I cook the dinners, I do the majority of cleaning, I do the majority of the laundry, etc. I don't think this has anything to do with him being resentful of taking my daughter to school at all. My husband just has a very difficult time handling last minute change. What I don't understand is that this morning's last minute change only benefited him - it didn't impose on him whatsoever.

 

I love my husband SO SO much but I feel like I am married to Jekyll and Hyde. Two completely different men. He can be so affectionate, so loving, and so caring...or he can be cold and cruel. Usually, he gets angered by my tears and will make fun of me for it - he very very seldom comforts me or tries to make amends when I am sad or upset over something he has done or said. We have talked and talked about how I feel he disrespects me and it usually takes hours to go by and a bunch of tears before he finally apologizes and says he will try harder, etc.

 

Anyhow, I know this post was a bit scattered - but I am hoping someone out there has some advice or words of wisdom for me. And I hope someone else can let me know if I am indeed in the wrong for not telling him I was taking my daughter to school this morning until a couple of minutes before we left. Maybe I am/was completely wrong and he had every right to be angry and annoyed with me and I'm just not seeing it?

[evanescentworld]

From what I read, it's one of four possibilities:

 

1: He really isn't terribly happy in the USA and may feel everything is stacked against him.

 

2: He has bipolar tendencies

 

3: He IS aggressive and abusive, it's not going to get better, it will honestly get worse.

 

4: He's just a dumb ignorant jackass and that's going to get worse too.

 

I have my own opinion (It may even be a combination of all of the above) but frankly, I think he's pushing his luck and just picking for fights.

I would suggest counselling, but I suspect he may baulk at that and insist you don't need it, or he doesn't want to do it.

 

in which case, you DEFINITELY need counselling.

 

Or leave, for a while, stay with parents and see how he likes that.

[evanescentworld]

You wait on him hand and foot and take care of the majority of the chores...

 

He ASKED you to take your daughter to school.

He knows the time she needs to leave for school.

He knew you would be taking her to school.

 

And he got angry because you didn't tell him in time?

What??

 

I mean, really... WHAT?!

[Mal78]

Hi all. This is my first post here, although I've searched for relationship advice in the past and have seen some posts here and there. Apologies in advance because I know I can be a bit long-winded.

 

I have a lot of issues in my marriage right now. I don't even have time to get into all of them at the moment, but I will say that fortunately, there isn't any kind of emotional or physical cheating going on, nor is there any type of physical abuse.

 

My husband and I have been married for less than a year. He is from the U.K., and I am from the U.S. We finally bridged the gap and he moved here and we got married.

 

Anyhow, we are both passionate, fiery people, which makes for some amazing times, and for some not-so-amazing times. When things are good they are either good or AMAZING. When things are bad, they are awful. I feel that my husband is sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive. He cannot handle conflict - especially if some of the conflict rests with things he has done or said that have upset me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have found myself crying more and more often lately. I was in a longer term marriage before I married my husband and my first husband and I divorced, quite simply, because I fell out of love and tried so hard to get it back, but it just wasn't there. We basically grew up and our hearts grew apart. I never, ever had issues getting along with my ex-husband...but he was also a very passive, easygoing person. My husband, on the other hand, picks little fights with me over the most trivial of issues.

 

Here is an example. We both work from home at the moment. He typically takes my daughter to school in the mornings so that I can get started with work earlier (I make my own hours whereas he works a set schedule.) I have to leave to pick my daughter up from school every day and am typically gone for 45 minutes during this time, so it is a good system that has worked well for us. I try and take her at least once a week, because my daughter enjoys it, and it gives me an opportunity to check in with her teacher, too.

 

My husband has an interview later on this morning that he is a little nervous about. It's not for some intimidating, hard-to-get position, but he is just nervous and obviously wants to make a good impression. He asked me last night if I would take my daughter to school so that he could spend time getting ready, rehearsing what he would say in the interview, etc. I asked him if he could flip-flop with me and pick her up, so that I could work straight through (he has been wanting me to work extra hours for financial purposes) and he declined. Well, I thought about it as I went to bed and when I woke up and thought, if it makes his day easier and his morning go more smoothly, I want to do this for him, even if it meant I don't get quite as many hours today.

 

So I got my daughter up, got her dressed and ready for school, and she went to the kitchen to eat her breakfast (this is our routine every morning.) In the meantime, rather than start work or do a few chores like I always do while she is eating, I got myself ready to take her to school. 15 minutes later, I then went into our living room, where my daughter and husband were, and told my daughter to get her backpack on so we could leave. Long story short, my husband became annoyed with me that I was taking her to school and said, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" and was badgering me for not promptly advising him I was taking her to school. I didn't tell him earlier because I was getting my daughter ready and immediately got myself ready and my husband wasn't anywhere around. I told him I was doing him a favor and didn't understand why he was angry and not appreciative. He then accused me of trying to "start with [him]." I told him maybe he would cool down and think about the way he's treating me when I returned.

 

Got back home and he thanked me for taking her to school. He told me the reason he got upset is because I didn't tell him ahead of time, and that I need to communicate better. I told him, very calmly, I still couldn't believe I was getting in "trouble" for doing something to make his morning easier. I was genuinely in shock that he kept bringing up what I had done wrong when I had tried to do something nice and helpful He then started pointing his finger and yelling at me, before storming off.

 

Once he came back in the room, I told him I was sorry he was stressed out. And he said, "I'm fine." I asked him why if he was fine he would speak to his wife the way he had been speaking to me all morning. He again said I needed to communicate better and that I never take her to school which is why it threw him off guard? I told him that I try to do that about once a week. He pointed out that I did not take her to school last week. I remembered that my older children had a few events I had to tend to last week so it was busy and he's right - I didn't take her last week...although that is certainly not the norm. I told him that while he was correct, I didn't take her last week, I try and take her once a week. He said that's not true. He said, "You're lying." Lying?! Why on earth would I lie about something like that?! I am not a liar and he knows this -

I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet - so to call me a liar is not only gaslighting but it's also completely inflammatory and untrue.

 

At that point, I actually broke down in tears because this is part and parcel for this man. He will point out things that have nothing to do with the situation at hand, or he will call me names, or he will tell me to "get over it" or "get a grip" if I'm upset. I am SO SO frustrated. I know this morning probably seems like a silly thing to cry over, and my tears were very short lived (I am NOT a girl who cries at the drop of a hat!) but I know it was out of exasperation.

 

I should also say that I don't ask him to do much to help out - I cook the dinners, I do the majority of cleaning, I do the majority of the laundry, etc. I don't think this has anything to do with him being resentful of taking my daughter to school at all. My husband just has a very difficult time handling last minute change. What I don't understand is that this morning's last minute change only benefited him - it didn't impose on him whatsoever.

 

I love my husband SO SO much but I feel like I am married to Jekyll and Hyde. Two completely different men. He can be so affectionate, so loving, and so caring...or he can be cold and cruel. Usually, he gets angered by my tears and will make fun of me for it - he very very seldom comforts me or tries to make amends when I am sad or upset over something he has done or said. We have talked and talked about how I feel he disrespects me and it usually takes hours to go by and a bunch of tears before he finally apologizes and says he will try harder, etc.

 

Anyhow, I know this post was a bit scattered - but I am hoping someone out there has some advice or words of wisdom for me. And I hope someone else can let me know if I am indeed in the wrong for not telling him I was taking my daughter to school this morning until a couple of minutes before we left. Maybe I am/was completely wrong and he had every right to be angry and annoyed with me and I'm just not seeing it?

 

Ok, there was a lot of un-nessisary details to this situation. I highlighted the conversation breakdown... of course I wasn't there to hear the tone or see the demeanor of either of you but I will say I see some red flags.

 

Ie. You expect appreciation for a favor you did for your H on a stressful day.

 

You almost sounded genuine when you said you were sorry that he was stressed until... When he said he was fine why would he talk to you like that? So you weren't trying to desolve the situation by being concerned about him you wanted to escalate it (conscious or not). You simply couldn't let it go.

 

Please evaluate your participation in the breakdowns. I can only speak to you because you asked. Much of it could very well be that he is a personality (alpha male) in a partner you are not used to. Both of you are strong personalities. I have a 20 year marriage with a man whom has a strong and passionate personality like me. It took many years to evaluate my participation in our petty issues and pick my battles.

 

Lastly, what REALLY stood out like a sore thumb. I will quote it:

 

I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet

 

This might be true in your brain, however it can't be the truth. I belong to a very large support group with others who deal with a loved one with Narcisistic Personality Disorder (Not my H).

 

That statement above that I highlighted and quoted twice was one of the top statements Narcisist repeats. No, I don't believe you are a liar but I certainly don't think you are the most honest people I will ever meet. These extreme statements can become very patronizing to others especially your spouse.

 

I am sure your H has flaws to work on but you need to work on yourself first.

[evanescentworld]

No.

It should be simultaneous.

His role in this is unreasonable, rude, arrogant and one of entitlement.

 

I think yes, they have serious communication issues, but any man who reduces his wife to tears, is a jackass, and should not resort to using the kind of abuse he does.

 

She may need work, but on her self-esteem and self-respect.

In comparison to his temperament, she's fine...

[SunshineGirlie]

Thank you so much for your replies, Evanescentworld.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I am not a perfect wife. Dinner isn't on the table promptly at 5:30pm every night. Some nights we fend for ourselves with leftovers, etc. I don't dote on him 24/7 and give him daily back massages, etc. I have my moments of being snippy, etc. I talk at a louder volume, naturally, and I talk with my hands, which he hates. I am a Type A personality so I can be high strung. But I have to say that I think I am a pretty good wife. Yes, I can be sensitive at times...but I am also extremely loving and am a people-pleaser. And while getting divorced from my ex was a selfish choice of mine, I do not consider myself a selfish person at all - I am generally quite the opposite.

 

I have told my husband that he is supposed to be my rock, my safe haven...and often, he isn't. He is great in situations where I may be worried about something else, like my job, or most things that don't have to do with him...but if I am sad and it has anything to do with him, WATCH OUT.

 

His techniques for conflict solving include telling me to leave him alone, give him space, name calling, making fun of me, and then telling me I am a control freak because I want to talk about and and resolve it. He is quite happy to go to bed if there is conflict and/or if I am upset, and the next day, will act like nothing is wrong. This causes our disagreements to stretch out over days, at times.

 

I have suggested counseling, and he balked at first, but has said he would go. I just haven't made an appointment yet because of $$$ and neither of us have health insurance at the moment (my kids do - but we don't.)

 

He was annoyed with me this morning because as of last night, he was still going to take her to school. But I thought about it and thought that the more selfless choice would be to take her myself, even if it meant I'd be working a little later today and it would be a little harder to focus because of the interruptions with having to come and go several times.

 

This is fairly standard behavior for him. He has yelled at me for playing songs in the car (his music, incidentally) and then accidentally fast forwarding through it...my back was aching the other day and I couldn't get comfortable, and asked him to rub it while we were in bed - he always puts me off and says "Give me a few minutes" (he was playing a game on his phone) and then rubbed my back for 2 minutes (yes, I checked.) It is like when I do ask him to do things for me, it is a huge imposition to him - but to me, I am his wife, and he should be wanting to do loving things like that for me, right? I don't ask him to rub my back every day - maybe once a week if it's really achy, if even that often.

 

If he is stressed or worried, I always get the brunt of it. ALWAYS.

 

I don't think he dislikes it here at all, because we've talked about it. He misses his family and his friends, but he knows they are just a phonecall of Skype conversation away...and his friends and family have come to visit and have stayed with us, which also helps.

 

I know I'm making him sound like a massive jerk. He isn't. It's just that when he is, he is. Does that make sense? Sometimes he can be SO sweet, loving, and thoughtful. When he finally realizes that he has acted out of line with me, he admits his faults and says it's because he lived on his own for so long. I think the problem is that he grew up with parents who loved him but set no boundaries, and then had a couple of longer term relationships in his 20s with girls who were very passive and didn't set any boundaries, either. So he has always been used to doing whatever the heck he wanted without having to check with someone else, or consider someone else's schedule, and always got to call all of the shots.

 

I have told him repeatedly that he's going to have bad days. And he's going to have times where he takes things out on me, because we are human. But our conflict resolution style absolutely sucks, and he is growing more and more disrespectful by the day. I am ashamed to admit this, but the other day, he actually deliberately passed gas on me. He was angry because I tried to cuddle with him when he was playing on his phone in bed and was having some insomnia, and I tried to pull him toward me to cuddle - he resisted, I put my leg around him (physical closeness helps me to feel more connected, especially when he is being distant) and he deliberately passed gas a few times - and yes it was deliberate because he is admitted it when I called him out on it. He says I force reactions like this out of him because I "just don't listen."

[SunshineGirlie]

Ok, there was a lot of un-nessisary details to this situation. I highlighted the conversation breakdown... of course I wasn't there to hear the tone or see the demeanor of either of you but I will say I see some red flags.

 

Ie. You expect appreciation for a favor you did for your H on a stressful day.

 

You almost sounded genuine when you said you were sorry that he was stressed until... When he said he was fine why would he talk to you like that? So you weren't trying to desolve the situation by being concerned about him you wanted to escalate it (conscious or not). You simply couldn't let it go.

 

Please evaluate your participation in the breakdowns. I can only speak to you because you asked. Much of it could very well be that he is a personality (alpha male) in a partner you are not used to. Both of you are strong personalities. I have a 20 year marriage with a man whom has a strong and passionate personality like me. It took many years to evaluate my participation in our petty issues and pick my battles.

 

Lastly, what REALLY stood out like a sore thumb. I will quote it:

 

I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet

 

This might be true in your brain, however it can't be the truth. I belong to a very large support group with others who deal with a loved one with Narcisistic Personality Disorder (Not my H).

 

That statement above that I highlighted and quoted twice was one of the top statements Narcisist repeats. No, I don't believe you are a liar but I certainly don't think you are the most honest people I will ever meet. These extreme statements can become very patronizing to others especially your spouse.

 

I am sure your H has flaws to work on but you need to work on yourself first.

 

Thank you for this honest reply.

 

I definitely have flaws. And I try and work on them daily. I mean that.

 

You are right. I wasn't trying to dissolve the situation when I said I was sorry he was stressed. While I did/do genuinely feel badly if he was stressed, I was hoping for him to acknowledge that he was stressed and realize he was taking it out on me. He does this ALL of the time and I think he truly doesn't realize it, until I call him out on it.

 

I have been learning (slowly) how to pick my battles, and I do not call him out on his behavior as much as I used to. I do let little things slide more and more each day, and my husband says he has noticed that, too.

 

I see that I should have let this morning's argument go. It was silly. I was just, quite honest, flabbergasted that he was upset with me over me trying to make his morning easier. It genuinely wasn't about needing appreciation this morning. It was about getting what in trouble for doing my husband a favor. I suppose I was just shocked by his reaction, but in any case, I should have let it go.

 

I definitely stand by the fact that I am one of the most honest people you will meet because I cannot stand liars. I don't profess to my husband that I am one of the most honest people he will ever meet - but he called me a liar. I took great offense to that. Just as if he had called me a cheater, or a thief - I would take HUGE offense to those things because I am not any of those things. Lying is one of my biggest pet peeves as far as character traits go. That is the ONLY reason I brought up honesty. Why would I lie about how often I take my daughter to school? First of all, that makes no sense, and second of all, it had nothing to do with the issue at hand with my husband this morning.

 

I am actually rather surprised you have mentioned NPD. I have researched a ton of articles on that and my husband has a LOT of those traits.

[evanescentworld]

Sorry.

You're now bringing out his 'good' side, which is classic defensiveness in one whose own character has been suppressed or crushed.

Classic response. "Oh but he's not always like *this* it's just that....."

 

So indicative of someone who's becoming scared of being who she really is, because she's modified her behaviour in order to walk the egg-shells....

(And yes, this can work in opposite ways, gender-wise... I'm just saying it this way because you are F and he is M)

 

I'm not interested in his good points, because frankly his 'bad' points are completely unacceptable, unreasonable, rude, disrespectful and totally out of line.

 

Hang the expense. Sorry.

Either go for counselling, or go for joint custody.

But do not go for this treatment a day longer.

[SunshineGirlie]

No.

It should be simultaneous.

His role in this is unreasonable, rude, arrogant and one of entitlement.

 

I think yes, they have serious communication issues, but any man who reduces his wife to tears, is a jackass, and should not resort to using the kind of abuse he does.

 

She may need work, but on her self-esteem and self-respect.

In comparison to his temperament, she's fine...

 

I do need to work on self esteem. My coping mechanism seems a bit broken at the moment. I know I cry because I am frustrated more than anything, and it hurts when I feel disrespected by my husband. I love him SO much and he can be such a wonderful man. He is charming, attractive, and has an attractive personality. He is fun to be around, and we can both be really silly together - we compliment each other in so many ways. However, we just cannot seem to find a conflict resolution style that works for us. And it is SO hard with the constant up and down. When we butt heads, we butt them big time. I want this marriage to work so badly, and I know he does, too. I know the arguing gets to him, as well. When he acts disrespectfully to me, that is not the man I married. It's like the look in his eyes is even different then to how it is normally. I seriously feel like I am married to two different men sometimes. I can genuinely see the look in his eyes change once he realizes he has hurt me and wants to make amends.

[evanescentworld]

Investigate whether he may be bipolar, or even have a split personality, then.

 

Me, personally, I still think he's a total asswipe.

If he already knows his behaviour is unreasonable/unacceptable/suspect - then why doesn't he see the red flag and change it?

 

Answer?

Because he doesn't want to.

It gets him what he wants.

You.

On your knees.

[SunshineGirlie]

Investigate whether he may be bipolar, or even have a split personality, then.

 

Me, personally, I still think he's a total asswipe.

If he already knows his behaviour is unreasonable/unacceptable/suspect - then why doesn't he see the red flag and change it?

 

Answer?

Because he doesn't want to.

It gets him what he wants.

You.

On your knees.

 

You sound like my best friend. She has basically said the same things as you.

 

I hate to sound like an enabler but he is not always this way. It's just that it happens waaaaay too often, IMO - especially for a newlywed.

 

I don't know if it matters or not but my daughter is not our daughter - I had my kids with my ex husband. I know he walked into this marriage as a stepdad, and that has been challenging in and of itself - but fortunately my kids are really great kids and really don't cause trouble at all (and he tells everyone this, too.) My other kids are older and they don't really require supervision - just guidance sometimes, and sometimes they need rides to a friend's house, or they have school events for us to attend or whatever.

 

But to get back with your question - he knows his behavior is unacceptable, but I think he has a problem with handling his emotions. I have told him repeatedly that you can't help how you feel, but you CAN control how you react to those feelings. He realizes he has picked fights in the past and is also working on controlling picking his battles. It's almost like when he decides to pick a battle, then all bets are off and if I defend myself or he doesn't like my reaction to it, the gloves are off and the disrespectful behavior comes out.

[evanescentworld]

You sound like my best friend. She has basically said the same things as you.

Really? I'm sorry, doesn't that tell you something, then? (BtW, I am not she.... I'm UK-Side so no connection at all!)

 

I hate to sound like an enabler but he is not always this way. It's just that it happens waaaaay too often, IMO - especially for a newlywed.

And I kid you not, unless he seriously takes himself in hand, and does something about this - HIMSELF - it will happen waaaaay more oftener...! Uncurtailed bad behaviour, unchecked, uncontrolled, will incrementally grow.

And you are feeding into that.

You actually ARE an enabler.

 

I don't know if it matters or not but my daughter is not our daughter - I had my kids with my ex husband. I know he walked into this marriage as a stepdad, and that has been challenging in and of itself - but fortunately my kids are really great kids and really don't cause trouble at all (and he tells everyone this, too.) My other kids are older and they don't really require supervision - just guidance sometimes, and sometimes they need rides to a friend's house, or they have school events for us to attend or whatever.

You could actually remove this entire paragraph and it wouldn't make one jot of difference to explaining or justifying his attitude/behaviour. Quite the opposite, in fact....

 

But to get back with your question - he knows his behavior is unacceptable, but I think he has a problem with handling his emotions.

That's really HIS problem. But rather than tackle it, he's making it your problem instead...

 

I have told him repeatedly that you can't help how you feel, but you CAN control how you react to those feelings. He realizes he has picked fights in the past and is also working on controlling picking his battles.

 

Seems to me he's just intensifying his approach and picking them more frequently, and in an ever-increasing hostile manner...

 

It's almost like when he decides to pick a battle, then all bets are off and if I defend myself or he doesn't like my reaction to it, the gloves are off and the disrespectful behavior comes out.

 

Aaaand... I rest my case.

 

Woman, get a grip.

If necessary, get together with your friend, and work together on a practical, non-vindictive, non-spiteful resolution to get you out of this mess!

 

Let me tell you, I'm British; he's British.

This behaviour is in no way culturally representative, and if he were MY husband, he'd have papers on his desk RIGHT NOW.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi all. This is my first post here, although I've searched for relationship advice in the past and have seen some posts here and there. Apologies in advance because I know I can be a bit long-winded.

 

I have a lot of issues in my marriage right now. I don't even have time to get into all of them at the moment, but I will say that fortunately, there isn't any kind of emotional or physical cheating going on, nor is there any type of physical abuse.

 

My husband and I have been married for less than a year. He is from the U.K., and I am from the U.S. We finally bridged the gap and he moved here and we got married.

 

Anyhow, we are both passionate, fiery people, which makes for some amazing times, and for some not-so-amazing times. When things are good they are either good or AMAZING. When things are bad, they are awful. I feel that my husband is sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive. He cannot handle conflict - especially if some of the conflict rests with things he has done or said that have upset me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have found myself crying more and more often lately. I was in a longer term marriage before I married my husband and my first husband and I divorced, quite simply, because I fell out of love and tried so hard to get it back, but it just wasn't there. We basically grew up and our hearts grew apart. I never, ever had issues getting along with my ex-husband...but he was also a very passive, easygoing person. My husband, on the other hand, picks little fights with me over the most trivial of issues.

 

Here is an example. We both work from home at the moment. He typically takes my daughter to school in the mornings so that I can get started with work earlier (I make my own hours whereas he works a set schedule.) I have to leave to pick my daughter up from school every day and am typically gone for 45 minutes during this time, so it is a good system that has worked well for us. I try and take her at least once a week, because my daughter enjoys it, and it gives me an opportunity to check in with her teacher, too.

 

My husband has an interview later on this morning that he is a little nervous about. It's not for some intimidating, hard-to-get position, but he is just nervous and obviously wants to make a good impression. He asked me last night if I would take my daughter to school so that he could spend time getting ready, rehearsing what he would say in the interview, etc. I asked him if he could flip-flop with me and pick her up, so that I could work straight through (he has been wanting me to work extra hours for financial purposes) and he declined. Well, I thought about it as I went to bed and when I woke up and thought, if it makes his day easier and his morning go more smoothly, I want to do this for him, even if it meant I don't get quite as many hours today.

 

So I got my daughter up, got her dressed and ready for school, and she went to the kitchen to eat her breakfast (this is our routine every morning.) In the meantime, rather than start work or do a few chores like I always do while she is eating, I got myself ready to take her to school. 15 minutes later, I then went into our living room, where my daughter and husband were, and told my daughter to get her backpack on so we could leave. Long story short, my husband became annoyed with me that I was taking her to school and said, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" and was badgering me for not promptly advising him I was taking her to school. I didn't tell him earlier because I was getting my daughter ready and immediately got myself ready and my husband wasn't anywhere around. I told him I was doing him a favor and didn't understand why he was angry and not appreciative. He then accused me of trying to "start with [him]." I told him maybe he would cool down and think about the way he's treating me when I returned.

 

Got back home and he thanked me for taking her to school. He told me the reason he got upset is because I didn't tell him ahead of time, and that I need to communicate better. I told him, very calmly, I still couldn't believe I was getting in "trouble" for doing something to make his morning easier. I was genuinely in shock that he kept bringing up what I had done wrong when I had tried to do something nice and helpful. He then started pointing his finger and yelling at me, before storming off.

 

Once he came back in the room, I told him I was sorry he was stressed out. And he said, "I'm fine." I asked him why if he was fine he would speak to his wife the way he had been speaking to me all morning. He again said I needed to communicate better and that I never take her to school which is why it threw him off guard? I told him that I try to do that about once a week. He pointed out that I did not take her to school last week. I remembered that my older children had a few events I had to tend to last week so it was busy and he's right - I didn't take her last week...although that is certainly not the norm. I told him that while he was correct, I didn't take her last week, I try and take her once a week. He said that's not true. He said, "You're lying." Lying?! Why on earth would I lie about something like that?! I am not a liar and he knows this - I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet - so to call me a liar is not only gaslighting but it's also completely inflammatory and untrue.

 

At that point, I actually broke down in tears because this is part and parcel for this man. He will point out things that have nothing to do with the situation at hand, or he will call me names, or he will tell me to "get over it" or "get a grip" if I'm upset. I am SO SO frustrated. I know this morning probably seems like a silly thing to cry over, and my tears were very short lived (I am NOT a girl who cries at the drop of a hat!) but I know it was out of exasperation.

 

I should also say that I don't ask him to do much to help out - I cook the dinners, I do the majority of cleaning, I do the majority of the laundry, etc. I don't think this has anything to do with him being resentful of taking my daughter to school at all. My husband just has a very difficult time handling last minute change. What I don't understand is that this morning's last minute change only benefited him - it didn't impose on him whatsoever.

 

I love my husband SO SO much but I feel like I am married to Jekyll and Hyde. Two completely different men. He can be so affectionate, so loving, and so caring...or he can be cold and cruel. Usually, he gets angered by my tears and will make fun of me for it - he very very seldom comforts me or tries to make amends when I am sad or upset over something he has done or said. We have talked and talked about how I feel he disrespects me and it usually takes hours to go by and a bunch of tears before he finally apologizes and says he will try harder, etc.

 

Anyhow, I know this post was a bit scattered - but I am hoping someone out there has some advice or words of wisdom for me. And I hope someone else can let me know if I am indeed in the wrong for not telling him I was taking my daughter to school this morning until a couple of minutes before we left. Maybe I am/was completely wrong and he had every right to be angry and annoyed with me and I'm just not seeing it?

 

I'd guess that, were this posted by him and from his POV, the account would read very differently. Like most couples (me included ), many of your challenges and issues are communication based. We hear but don't listen. Our body language contradicts the spoken message. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Counseling would provide a structured setting in which these problems could be discussed. With a child involved, much at stake. I wouldn't delay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[evanescentworld]

It's not his child... Only by marital association....

 

I say this with the greatest of respect, because I like your posts but it pays to read....

[Mal78]

Thank you for this honest reply.

 

I definitely have flaws. And I try and work on them daily. I mean that.

 

You are right. I wasn't trying to dissolve the situation when I said I was sorry he was stressed. While I did/do genuinely feel badly if he was stressed, I was hoping for him to acknowledge that he was stressed and realize he was taking it out on me. He does this ALL of the time and I think he truly doesn't realize it, until I call him out on it.

 

I have been learning (slowly) how to pick my battles, and I do not call him out on his behavior as much as I used to. I do let little things slide more and more each day, and my husband says he has noticed that, too.

 

I see that I should have let this morning's argument go. It was silly. I was just, quite honest, flabbergasted that he was upset with me over me trying to make his morning easier. It genuinely wasn't about needing appreciation this morning. It was about getting what in trouble for doing my husband a favor. I suppose I was just shocked by his reaction, but in any case, I should have let it go.

 

I definitely stand by the fact that I am one of the most honest people you will meet because I cannot stand liars. I don't profess to my husband that I am one of the most honest people he will ever meet - but he called me a liar. I took great offense to that. Just as if he had called me a cheater, or a thief - I would take HUGE offense to those things because I am not any of those things. Lying is one of my biggest pet peeves as far as character traits go. That is the ONLY reason I brought up honesty. Why would I lie about how often I take my daughter to school? First of all, that makes no sense, and second of all, it had nothing to do with the issue at hand with my husband this morning.

 

I am actually rather surprised you have mentioned NPD. I have researched a ton of articles on that and my husband has a LOT of those traits.

 

Getting "in trouble" for doing your husband a favor. How does your H feel about that wording? How do you feel about it?

 

You are not a child, you can't "get in trouble".

 

I was very much "you" in your relationship. I have done IC, one thing my therapist had advice me (also to him) that when having conversations or even arguing/fighting to "know your role". Meaning, you are in an "adult" relationship and this is your "adult" partner. When choosing your words think about how you want to be spoken to or come across: Parent, child or adult.

 

Is this something a child would say? Is this something a parent would say or is this how adults talk to each other.

 

It can be MUCH more complex if you want to research it:

 

Transactional analysis

 

As far as your H having NPD. This VERY well could be. My H is on the spectrum for sure but I wouldn't consider him full blown. I have someone in (actually NC for 4 years) my life that is extreme on the spectrum. If, you are dealing with someone who has sever NPD then I honestly believe it is emotionally impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with said person even if you love them.

 

I had to make some very tough, life altering decision so be healthy and have peace. Four years later and I am VERY much at peace with my decision and the work to undo the damage.

 

However, it sounds like you are able to communicate at least half the time and this is nearly impossible for someone with sever NPD. Which is AWESOME if you feel things are worth working on.

[SunshineGirlie]

Getting "in trouble" for doing your husband a favor. How does your H feel about that wording? How do you feel about it?

 

I feel like a toddler. I agree, I'm not a child and I can't get in trouble. However, my husband says to me often, "You don't listen." He says that in response to him telling me to leave him alone when he doesn't feel like addressing conflict, and I try and talk about it. I have no problems giving him space, but he doesn't extend the courtesy to me to resolve any issues once he has had space or time to cool off. It actually angers me when he tells me that I don't listen, because not only does it make me feel like a child, but why is it always about what he wants...especially when I respect his wishes and give him space, but he does not respect mine and discuss things like an adult afterward?

 

You are not a child, you can't "get in trouble".

 

I was very much "you" in your relationship.

 

How so? Can you give me more details of what was going on in your relationship?

 

I have done IC, one thing my therapist had advice me (also to him) that when having conversations or even arguing/fighting to "know your role". Meaning, you are in an "adult" relationship and this is your "adult" partner. When choosing your words think about how you want to be spoken to or come across: Parent, child or adult.

 

Is this something a child would say? Is this something a parent would say or is this how adults talk to each other.

 

I like this line of thinking and agree with it 100%, but how do you broach this subject with your partner? I have told him that he is speaking to me like a child and then he tries to turn the tables on me and tell me that I am the one who treats him like he is one of my kids. Sometimes he genuinely makes me feel like I am going crazy! Again, I was married to my ex for many years. I have never, ever felt that way before in a relationship.

 

It can be MUCH more complex if you want to research it:

 

Transactional analysis

 

As far as your H having NPD. This VERY well could be. My H is on the spectrum for sure but I wouldn't consider him full blown. I have someone in (actually NC for 4 years) my life that is extreme on the spectrum. If, you are dealing with someone who has sever NPD then I honestly believe it is emotionally impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with said person even if you love them.

 

I had to make some very tough, life altering decision so be healthy and have peace. Four years later and I am VERY much at peace with my decision and the work to undo the damage.

 

What decision did you make?

However, it sounds like you are able to communicate at least half the time and this is nearly impossible for someone with sever NPD. Which is AWESOME if you feel things are worth working on.

 

See above for some comments in bold. And even though my husband is a HUGE PITA sometimes - he is worth it. He has many redeeming qualities. I feel like a lot of his issues stem from a lack of maturity. And I also think it has to do with him never having boundaries while he was growing up, or in his relationships as an adult. He even used to tell me that one of the things he loved the most about me is that I don't put up with s**t, and he really respected me for that...and he was saying that in response to me calling him out on his rude/uncalled for/disrespectful behavior - once he calmed down, of course. But now, the rudeness and disrespect are occurring several times a week, and it's wearing at both of us. I find it more and more difficult to get over the way he treats me, because it is happening way too often.

 

Love just seems like a no-brainer, to me. Treat each other with kindness. Respect each other. Be an effective listener. Strive to be a better person. Communicate. Collaborate. Touch often. Give more than you take. I can go on and on...it's just SO frustrating to me to be having these issues when I know that he loves me.

[SunshineGirlie]

I'd guess that, were this posted by him and from his POV, the account would read very differently. Like most couples (me included ), many of your challenges and issues are communication based. We hear but don't listen. Our body language contradicts the spoken message. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Counseling would provide a structured setting in which these problems could be discussed. With a child involved, much at stake. I wouldn't delay...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are probably correct. His account would probably be much different than mine. But I assure you there was no yelling, no passive aggressive sighs, etc. I didn't mention that he actually rolled his eyes at me when I told him I was taking my daughter to school. I asked him why he rolled his eyes, and he said, "Why couldn't you have told me you were taking her sooner?" I mean...eye rolling?! Really?

 

Totally agree body language says a lot.

[Be_Strong]

Wow it sounds like you went from one extreme (your super passive laid back ex-husband) to another (your super dominant personality husband). I'm guessing that you were very attracted to your current husband because he seemed to have everything that your previous marriage lacked. You were sick of boring and your husband definitely wasn't boring, I'm sure.

 

The problem is that sometimes boring is preferable over constant drama and strife. The fun and excitement of high passion personalities is quickly outweighed by all the crap that comes along with them. There's a middle ground between the passive and aggressive personalities that would be the sweet spot for you. Hopefully, your husband can change and dial back somewhat and learn to focus his passion in a more positive way. Otherwise, you're going to have some very tough times ahead.

[Mal78]

See above for some comments in bold. And even though my husband is a HUGE PITA sometimes - he is worth it. He has many redeeming qualities. I feel like a lot of his issues stem from a lack of maturity. And I also think it has to do with him never having boundaries while he was growing up, or in his relationships as an adult. He even used to tell me that one of the things he loved the most about me is that I don't put up with s**t, and he really respected me for that...and he was saying that in response to me calling him out on his rude/uncalled for/disrespectful behavior - once he calmed down, of course. But now, the rudeness and disrespect are occurring several times a week, and it's wearing at both of us. I find it more and more difficult to get over the way he treats me, because it is happening way too often.

 

Love just seems like a no-brainer, to me. Treat each other with kindness. Respect each other. Be an effective listener. Strive to be a better person. Communicate. Collaborate. Touch often. Give more than you take. I can go on and on...it's just SO frustrating to me to be having these issues when I know that he loves me.

 

I am crawling out (on top) of a very similar situation with my H however we have been together for 20 years. We are both stubborn and we both have totally different expectations of each other. I saw it one way (often feeling/acting like a victim) and he saw it a different way (often lecturing me and treating like a child while I played victim, hoping if I do play victim he will all of a sudden have sympathy for how he talked/treated me). I would go through bouts of appoligizing for everything, then being hypersensitive and then deciding this is BS I'm not going to be talked to/treated like a child anymore. I had a breaking point approx. A year ago and about 6 months ago I started doing something real about it. In the past 6 months he has left (at my demand without remorse, I was as cold as ice and confident in my decision... I think it shook him a bit) and came back, I got a trainer and have worked hard on becoming fit, I have been going to IC and I have been getting/receiving medical attention. My focus has been taking care of me and not on his BS. Strange how when you begin to value yourself those like your/my husband begins to value us. I see it very much an "alpha male" thing. It's like they see it as a threat.

 

Fast forward to the last month or so. My H and I have had the best communication, intimacy, sex and over all relationship then we have had in the last 20 years!!! He has changed leaps and bounds. He is less petty, more considerate, less angry and more compationate. I get much more random "I love you's" and he checks in with me which he absolutely hated to do prior. I have also made it a huge effort to express my appreciation for the little things. Ie. He got up for work and I was still laying there. He then jumped into bed on all fours and kissed my neck.

 

I told him it is simple moments like these that convinces me he REALLY loves me! That it sets the tone for the day and I really appreciate it! The affirmation then carries his day on a lighter note and he has a better day.

 

If you are going to IC it is easier to present things that would help the communication process go easier as it is professional advice/opinion. My H didn't feel he needed IC or MC.

 

 

*****

 

As for the changes I made for the person with NPD? This person is my Mother. I am devastated I can't have a relationship with her but I can't. Many things has come from that for changes. Its personal as if I express them I would feel I am walking backwards in recovery. It's been a long road.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Mal78
forgot to add

[SunshineGirlie]

Wow it sounds like you went from one extreme (your super passive laid back ex-husband) to another (your super dominant personality husband). I'm guessing that you were very attracted to your current husband because he seemed to have everything that your previous marriage lacked. You were sick of boring and your husband definitely wasn't boring, I'm sure.

The problem is that sometimes boring is preferable over constant drama and strife. The fun and excitement of high passion personalities is quickly outweighed by all the crap that comes along with them. There's a middle ground between the passive and aggressive personalities that would be the sweet spot for you. Hopefully, your husband can change and dial back somewhat and learn to focus his passion in a more positive way. Otherwise, you're going to have some very tough times ahead.

 

WOW! You hit the nail on the head!

 

And you're right. I mean, there were other issues with my ex than him just being boring, but no type of abuse whatsoever. But I have thought and thought to myself - it would have been far easier for me (and my children!) emotionally and financially, to have stayed with my ex. Sure, I felt dead inside, and he was like a brother to me - but he would never, ever say something rude and disrespectful to me. One of the reasons I decided to end things with my ex is because I wanted to model a healthy, loving relationship for my kids, and I woke up every single day just wishing I was in love with him and felt different. This went on for years, until I decided I needed to make a change.

 

My husband and I had that in the beginning. Our relationship was never without hiccups, but that is to be expected in a LD relationship. He cheated on me - a couple of times - in the early stages of our relationship, but he says it's because he had doubts about us, due to the distance and hurdles, and it's because he was drunk at the time. We decided (I should say he decided - it's not what I wanted at all) to not be exclusive any more and neither one of us dated anyone else during that time, and we both pretty much still acted as a couple in that time, before we got back together officially about 9 months later. I had also found some questionable things in his email and messages in that time (including emails from that horrible website named after a woman that is for people looking to have affairs) and his excuses were pretty weak. Granted, this is while we were still LD and not married, but the bottom line is, I have MAJOR trust issues because of this, too. He gets angry about it if I ever bring it up, and says we can't have a relationship if I don't trust him - I have tried to tell him that he needs to earn that trust back and it will take time.

 

Anyhow, I know I keep adding more info, but I'm just trying to give you all background on what our issues are. So when things are not going well and he is pushing me away, it doesn't just make me feel frustrated that we aren't solving a problem...it makes me feel extremely insecure and on unstable ground.

 

I wish he could channel the passion he has into our relationship, and into us growing as a couple. I've told him this, too. When he has a moment of clarity after an argument, he is agreeable to this, but then he quickly reverts back to his old standby of insulting/minimizing/giving me the brushoff when the next disagreement comes along.

[SunshineGirlie]

I am crawling out (on top) of a very similar situation with my H however we have been together for 20 years. We are both stubborn and we both have totally different expectations of each other. I saw it one way (often feeling/acting like a victim) and he saw it a different way (often lecturing me and treating like a child while I played victim, hoping if I do play victim he will all of a sudden have sympathy for how he talked/treated me). I would go through bouts of appoligizing for everything, then being hypersensitive and then deciding this is BS I'm not going to be talked to/treated like a child anymore. I had a breaking point approx. A year ago and about 6 months ago I started doing something real about it. In the past 6 months he has left (at my demand without remorse, I was as cold as ice and confident in my decision... I think it shook him a bit) and came back, I got a trainer and have worked hard on becoming fit, I have been going to IC and I have been getting/receiving medical attention. My focus has been taking care of me and not on his BS. Strange how when you begin to value yourself those like your/my husband begins to value us. I see it very much an "alpha male" thing. It's like they see it as a threat.

 

Fast forward to the last month or so. My H and I have had the best communication, intimacy, sex and over all relationship then we have had in the last 20 years!!! He has changed leaps and bounds. He is less petty, more considerate, less angry and more compationate. I get much more random "I love you's" and he checks in with me which he absolutely hated to do prior. I have also made it a huge effort to express my appreciation for the little things. Ie. He got up for work and I was still laying there. He then jumped into bed on all fours and kissed my neck.

 

I told him it is simple moments like these that convinces me he REALLY loves me! That it sets the tone for the day and I really appreciate it! The affirmation then carries his day on a lighter note and he has a better day.

 

If you are going to IC it is easier to present things that would help the communication process go easier as it is professional advice/opinion. My H didn't feel he needed IC or MC.

 

 

*****

 

As for the changes I made for the person with NPD? This person is my Mother. I am devastated I can't have a relationship with her but I can't. Many things has come from that for changes. Its personal as if I express them I would feel I am walking backwards in recovery. It's been a long road.

 

I can relate to SO much of what you have bolded above! Wow!

 

I should probably add that I am in good shape - especially for my age (though there is room for improvement) - I work out, I (usually) eat well, I take pride in my appearance...so I'm not a sight for sore eyes/haven't "let myself go" or anything. I do, however, need to take care of me more...medically speaking, since I have been without insurance for a bit and am overdue for a few check-ups...and mentally speaking, too. Before I got separated from my ex, I went for IC and it helped tremendously.

 

I'm so sorry about the issue with your mom I respect you massively for making changes in your life that you needed to for your emotional well-being - I am sure it wasn't easy cutting ties, and probably still isn't, even if it is for the best.

 

It gives me a LOT of hope, though, that things with your husband have really improved! Really hoping this was the kickstart your relationship needed to get to where it needs to be

[evanescentworld]

Good god almighty, woman.... just how much of a doormat do you want to become - ?!

 

You divorced the first guy - for god's sake and all that is holy and precious in your life - please, leave this man!!

 

He cheated on you - ?! Hell's bells, I would never have even entertained speaking with him ever again!

 

Get this: YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE!

 

Yoy are teaching them his attitude and behaviour are normal, acceptable and that you deserve this!

 

Jeesh, on the basis of his cheating alone, he'd be kicked to the kerb!

 

heavens above woman, find your dignity and self-respect and ditch the cheating, manipulative narcissist!!

[SunshineGirlie]

Good god almighty, woman.... just how much of a doormat do you want to become - ?!

 

You divorced the first guy - for god's sake and all that is holy and precious in your life - please, leave this man!!

 

He cheated on you - ?! Hell's bells, I would never have even entertained speaking with him ever again!

 

Get this: YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE!

 

Yoy are teaching them his attitude and behaviour are normal, acceptable and that you deserve this!

 

Jeesh, on the basis of his cheating alone, he'd be kicked to the kerb!

 

heavens above woman, find your dignity and self-respect and ditch the cheating, manipulative narcissist!!

 

I know, I know - and I am in no way trying to justify what he did...but this was in the very early stages of our relationship - not during our marriage - and he says there was no sex involved either time (I quite honestly don't care - either way I was deeply hurt by his actions.) If he had done this while we were living together or while we were married, that would have been the end of things.

[SunshineGirlie]

And evanescentworld - forgot to thank you for your earlier post, and letting me know that his behavior is not a cultural thing. He tries to blame a lot of things on the cultural difference...such as his inability to go out with friends and only have 1 or 2 beers and not get drunk every time (not that he goes out often, because he doesn't.) He says drinking heavily is just part of British culture.

[evanescentworld]

I know, I know - and I am in no way trying to justify what he did...but this was in the very early stages of our relationship - not during our marriage - and he says there was no sex involved either time (I quite honestly don't care - either way I was deeply hurt by his actions.) If he had done this while we were living together or while we were married, that would have been the end of things.

 

His behaviour towards you and attitude to this, even before you were married, would have been an indication of his character and resect fo you.

 

He has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

None at all.

Zilch.

 

A man who respects his partner would never treat her in this way, either before or after marriage.

 

And (forgive me for saying so) why should he respect you when you have none for yourself?

 

Granted, it was possibly him that eroded it - but you need to show a bit more chutzpah, lady.

 

because respect is earnt - and you need to garner that for yourself, because he's not going to provide it....

 

The three main qualities - necessities - vital components for a relationship to survive and thrive, are without any question,

 

Respect (for self and partner)

Trust (Hmmm...) and

Communication.

 

They are the 'Tripod' that sustains and supports the relationship.

 

Tell me, remove one of them - any one you like - and how do the other 2 function?

 

That my dear, is what your marriage is held up by.