I love my wife but have no sexual desire towards her

[cafeconleche]

I have been to therapy, talked to family and friends and have been thinking for 2 and half years what to do but still stuck. Please I need some advice and I accept all critics but please take into account all the details.

 

We are a couple both 33y and have been married for 7 years and in relation for 8 years. My wife is a great person in all ways. she is my best friend. she has always been there for me and I have always treated her in the same way. She has a very low self-esteem and she is perfectionist. Since we have met I noticed that she doesnt feel so confortable when it comes to intimacy. I have always talked to her openly and her argument was that because of her low self esteem she doesnt feel so good about her physical aspects. I have showed all the respect and attention to her feelings but after a year and a half from being married I noticed that we were more best friends than a man and a woman.

 

When I felt that I asked her if she felt the same and she confirmed it. I was very sad and told her that we cannot continue like this. She then told me something I didnt know before. she told me that she had 5 years of therapy when she was young because of her low self esteem. I told her that our sexual life (we were 26y that time) is the issue and that I dont feel free to initiate anything because she was always closed to anything of intimacy and even if she proceeded it was like againt her will. I wanted to end the relation and she was devastated. I couldnt see her sad and tried to think about the great things we have apart from the intimacy problem and decided to give the relation a chance and to try to work on the problem.

 

I asked her to go together to the doctor to check the hormons and the doctor confirmed that its not a hormon problem and that its more a mental/emotional issue. I asked her to go back to therpay and she did for a period but nothing changed. I tried to do everything to make her feel confortable when it comes to sex. Because she is perfectionist and always put the house tasks first I made sure she has nothing to worry about about the household when I wanted to have an intimate moment. This all didnt work and even if she agreed to have sex it was like a task for her and not something to share with me.

 

3 years ago (after 5y of marriage) I started to notice that I was looking at other women with sexual desire and I didnt hesitate to communicate my feelings with her. Her reaction was that we should do something about it but actually the circle continued and the sexual emptiness continued in our relation. At that point I was so tired from trying to solve the intimacy problem and was fed up. I got to know someone else and had suck a strong connection with that women that I couldnt hide. I told her that I was married and the problem I have in my relation.

 

After 3 months my wife descovered the affair and was very sad but told me that she understands why this happened and that it means a wake up call for her to do something about it. We went to a relationship counselling but I felt that I am already lost in the other relation.

 

to make the story shorter. the last two years I maintained both relations without being honest and tell them that I have a relation with both of them. Last summer my wife answered the phone and it was the other woman and they decided to meet and clear things. We all met and they discovered that I had a complete relation with both. Its been 3 years and I cant decide what to do. I have always cared about my wife and have been there for her and cant imagine leaving my wife. I feel at my nest when I am with my wife but I have no sexual desire towards her. I dont want to leave neither of them and feel stuck. When I am with the other woman I cant feel at ease because I feel that I shouldnt be there and that I am married and should be with my wife and take care of her. The guilt is killing me. This destroyed the other woman because she feels that I am not 100% with her because I feel anxiety and think about my wife. Its been 5 months since I went to live alone but cant come to a decision. The easiest decision which would give me the tranquility is going back to my wife but it kills me that I have never been able to give a chance to the other one. Moreover, I have no sexual connection with my wife.

 

please some advice

[spanz1]

well telling her that you were lusting after other women did not do much to boost her self-image problems!

 

and obviously, her finding out about your fully involved affair really crushed her further.

 

What sort of advice are you looking for? You acted like a cad to someone who loved you and was married to you for 5 years. you can not go on screwing this other woman while still married to your depressed wife...she will go crazy.

 

either divorce your wife, or quit the other relationship and stop being so callous. With the proper nurturing you could convince her that she is important/beautiful, and after that the sex will possibly re-ignite.

[Methodical]

I wanted to end the relation and she was devastated. I couldnt see her sad and tried to think about the great things we have apart from the intimacy problem and decided to give the relation a chance and to try to work on the problem.

 

I believe you are saying you knew there were incapability issues prior to marriage, but you couldn't stand seeing her sad, so you chose to continue the relationship. While you may have thought you were doing an honorable thing, you weren't and this is why. Now, several years into marriage, you aren't happy with the intimacy, or lack thereof, with your wife, have had an ongoing affair, and it appears you are separated atm.

 

In other words, you may have done more harm than good. Your wife, who has low self-esteem, knows her husband cheated because she wasn't enough. (You basically told her that.) I'm guessing she probably feels even worse about herself now because of the betrayal.

 

You love her, but it doesn't sound like you are IN love with her, and there is a difference. Unless you plan to remain in a "stuck" marriage which you are obviously not happy with, you should move on and allow her to do the same. I doubt you'll ever be able to remain faithful to a woman who is "prudish," and that would probably lead to you resenting her and that's not going to benefit anyone.

 

I doubt it, but is she open to you having an open marriage?

Edited January 26, 2015 by Methodical
Additional thought

[elaine567]

The decision you have to make is to leave them both alone to heal, get on with their lives an to somehow get over your shocking treatment of both of them.

Frankly you have messed them both up.

 

You were sexually incompatible with your wife, so you should have walked away as soon as you knew that.

YOU sticking around didn't help her as no doubt she always felt she wasn't good enough for you and that will have stunted any chance of her moving forward and perhaps meeting someone who understood her better or who valued her love over her sexual performance.

You then compounded the whole attack on her self esteem by cheating...

You also seem in the process to have broken another women's heart too.

 

They should both kick you into touch.

For God's sake, leave them both alone, the last thing either of them needs is a cheating man or a half-hearted one.

[oldshirt]

The fact that you have never had a remotely passionate relationship with her and the fact that discussions of ending the marriage as well as an affair did not motivate her to change indicates that you will likely never have a suitable sexual relationship with her. You can't take a bulldog and hope it can compete in a dog race with greyhounds. You picked a bulldog hoping you could turn it into a racing dog.....that just ain't gonna happen.

 

Typically the advice would be to do couples therapy and taking steps to ensure your wife's comfort and do things that will make you more attractive to her such as losing weight, dressing better, having better communication etc etc etc.

 

However you have already discussed this a lot and she has been to doctors and therapists and you have even gone to the extreme of having an affair and she still hasn't changed so I see any further attempts at improving your Sexlife as hopeless at this point.

 

 

 

There for I see Your options are as follows -

 

- suck it up and live with unsatisfactory sexual relationship for the rest of your life. (this is assuming she will even keep you around after the affair and separation)

 

- continue having affair(s) or engage with prostitutes, porn etc. (again, this assuming other women will even have you since you are technically married and you aren't showing any signs of having the giblets to leave your wife in pursuit of a satisfying and healthy relationship)

 

- divorce and go back onto the dating market in search of someone who is more sexually intact and more compatible with you.

 

Those are your options, they each have their own advantages and disadvantages. Only you can decide which will work best for you.

 

Cont.....

[oldshirt]

.....what I will challenge here however that what is torturing you is not your lack of intimacy with your wife, nor your guilt over the affair.

 

What is cause your turmoil is your own lack of decisiveness and the anguish that lack of direction is causing you and both women.

 

You are standing with one foot in the door of one woman's house and the other foot in the door of the other's and you are refusing to make a choice and are instead waiting for one of them to slam the door shut on you so that you can default to the other women and then blame the one that kicked you out.

 

You are trying to avoid responsibility. That is making you look like a weak, slimy worm in both of their eyes and in your own eyes and everyone else's as well.

 

It's time to grow up, be man and make an adult decision and take definitive action on that decision. Be decisive and take charge of your own life and make a stand. Then stand by your decision and follow it through.

 

There will be pain and fallout just like there is with all decisions but as it stand right now, you are causing 3 people pain and misery due to your lack of backbone and indecisiveness.

 

Grow some balls and make a stand and follow it through. Yes someone will not like that decision but right now everyone is paying the price for your lack of decisiveness and immaturity.

[dichotomy]

I suspect neither woman is right for you. That is your problem I think - your struggling to make a choice between two choices that are not right for you. So you cant decide.

[jackslife]

Did you think there was a magic answer to the question - "I want my wife (my best friend) and my lover (for intimacy and sex) but I can't have both... how can I have both?"

 

You can't. One option could be to go all French about it and have a mistress. Your wife would know about it, but you wouldn't rub her face in it.

 

Or you divorce your wife and find someone you are sexually and emotionally attached to.

 

Or you stay with your wife and wank, see hookers, have affairs, get resentful.

 

There isn't a magic answer you haven't already considered.

[darkmoon]

the affair girl knew you already had some1, she likes drama imho, or why not just have made friends with you? she did not have to screw you

 

once your libido goes which it does with age, you will be glad you stayed married to your good woman

Edited January 26, 2015 by darkmoon

[oldshirt]

 

once your libido goes which it does with age, you will be glad you stayed married to your good woman

 

So when does that happen? I'll turn 51 in less than a month and I am still just as horny and still value intimacy and passion as much today as I did 20 years ago.

 

He's 33. Do really think he'll be ok just mowing the yard and trimming the hedges until sex drives takes a meaningful dive when he's 70?

[thefooloftheyear]

the affair girl knew you already had some1, she likes drama imho, or why not just have made friends with you? she did not have to screw you

 

once your libido goes which it does with age, you will be glad you stayed married to your good woman

 

 

My grandfather was boinking the woman upstairs when he was in his mid 70's....eh...And that was loooong before the invention of ED meds..I wouldnt count on that...

 

I understand the OP's situation...He doesnt want to be the bad guy, so he's trying to have all of his needs met by compartmentalizing these things iin his life...Common issue with a lot of guys...

 

If you dont have kids(no mention?) and you havent been married too long, you could probably just make a clean break and not get too hammered...Many guys are in your situation, but may be 45+, have 3 kids and a 20 + years invested...Its wayyyy harder and more painful then...

 

Its your life and you deserve what you want/need...Its just not a good idea to try and get your needs addressed with several women..It wont work...Just find one that is best for you...

 

TFY

[BetrayedH]

My $.02...

 

If your wife is still willing to attempt a reconciliation with you and agrees to work on the sexual part of your relationship, then you should drop your affair partner and work on your marriage.

 

An affair is many times a wake-up call for both spouses. If you feel that it's been a wake-up call for your wife, I'd gently suggest that you owe it to her and your marriage vows to make a legitimate effort. By the way, that means going "no contact" with your affair partner entirely. It won't be kind to her but that's a bed you made a long time ago.

 

The worst thing you can do is to continue dragging both of their hearts thru the mud.

[jackslife]

You're young, you have no children, you don't want to have sex with your wife. End it. You can stay friends and keep an eye on her if it makes you happy. You don't have to marry the OW. Just date a while.

 

Seriously. You are not going to be happy in this marriage.

 

As for the advice to stay with your wife until your urge for sex declines? At your age? Complete and utter nonsense.

[oldshirt]

 

once your libido goes which it does with age, you will be glad you stayed married to your good woman

 

.....and by the time a man's libido does tank (which is a questionable at best assumption in the first place) by that time, women outnumber men several to one and most will be good women and most will be glad to be friends.

 

When a guy is young and healthy is when he needs to be with chicks that he is sexually compatible with and sexually active with. There will be millions of women looking to be sitting on the porch sipping lemonade in their 70s and beyond.

 

No one can ask a man to live a sexless life in the prime of his life so he can sit on the porch with a friend and continue to be sexless when he is old also.

 

His wife is broken. He has tried to get her help and has tried many times to address the issues like everyone says people should. She's still broken. Yes, he was a dick for cheating, but even that didn't motivate her to step up so all is lost with her. She is excess baggage.

 

There is no reason he should keep her around and suffer through another 40 years of sexless marriage so he can continue to sit on the porch with her when they are old.

[autumnnight]

You have cheated on your wife, plain and simple. That is the problem. If you were a WW, you'd have been reamed six ways from Sunday by now, which I find sadly amusingly disturbing.

 

Is sex important in marriage? Of course. But THE BIG ISSUE here is the fact that you cheated, and there is no excuse for cheating.

 

I am flabbergasted at the hypocrisy.

[MJJean]

Most marriages have ups and downs, ebb and flow. If you were posting that the sex declined after a period of time and you made a mistake by having an affair, but that you were still attracted to your wife as well as loving her, I'd say send the mistress on her merry way and fix your marriage.

 

But what you're saying is that you have always felt love for your wife, but that sexual attraction and desire has been minimal, at best, between you and now it's nonexistent.

 

If you expect marriage to be about both the companionship and sexual intimacy then you are in the wrong marriage. Some people are happy in low sex/no sex marriages. Your wife is one of them. You are not.

 

Maybe you should seriously consider divorce. Your wife would be able to be happily alone or free to find a man with an equally low sex drive and you'd be free to commit 100% to a woman who is both friend and lover.

[cafeconleche]

Thanks all for the responses and critics. I would like to make some points clear in order to give you a full vision of the story.

 

Since I met my wife and knew she has a low self esteem I always supported her and helped her in dealing with that. I always complemented her on all her physical and personality aspects. She always refused to hear me telling her that she is beautiful and sexy. I also understand that she refused to hear that because of how she feels and tried to be careful with everything I said...etc Moreover, I always took care of my physical and made sure I stay fit for myself first and for my partner.

[oldshirt]

You have cheated on your wife, plain and simple. That is the problem. If you were a WW, you'd have been reamed six ways from Sunday by now, which I find sadly amusingly disturbing.

 

Is sex important in marriage? Of course. But THE BIG ISSUE here is the fact that you cheated, and there is no excuse for cheating.

 

I am flabbergasted at the hypocrisy.

 

I am not sure who you are accusing of being hypocritical. Countless people on this site have encouraged women to cut loose their dud-males and move on with their lives. .....even after they have cheated on said male.

 

Cheating is wrong and is a crappy thing to do. But that doesn't mean someone has to be sentenced to a lifetime of continued sexless marriage and make both people miserable forever because of it.

Edited January 26, 2015 by oldshirt

[elaine567]

I am not sure who you are accusing of being hypocritical. Countless people on this site have encouraged women to cut loose their dud-males and move on with their lives. .....even after they have cheated on said male.

 

Cheating is wrong and is a crappy thing to do. But that doesn't mean someone has to be sentenced to a lifetime of continued sexless marriage and make both people miserable forever because of it.

 

No-one needs to be sentenced forever to a sexless marriage.

The honorable thing to do there is just say "sorry this isn't working, we need to split up" and then get a divorce.

NOT procure a mistress and proceed to cheat behind his wife's back.

[Mal78]

I was almost sympathetic for you in how you explained your situation. I think your "set-up" was intentional to gain sympathy of us readers for you poor, frustrating and devastating situation.

 

Your poor wife. She was having a hard time that it sounds like you both clearly was able to communicate about. It sounds like her issues were deep routed and needed to be addressed to move further. You couldn't be patient enough to wait it through OR make a decision to D so you can find that sexual compatibility in another partner as this is important to you.

 

Having a A did not help her deep seeded issues in self esteem, confidence and inadequacy. So, if you choose your wife prepare to live your life in this same situation. A deeper hole that is near impossible to dig out of.

 

She doesn't blame you for the affair? What was discussed to "fix" this? What was on the table other than therapy?

[Mal78]

No-one needs to be sentenced forever to a sexless marriage.

The honorable thing to do there is just say "sorry this isn't working, we need to split up" and then get a divorce.

NOT procure a mistress and proceed to cheat behind his wife's back.

 

I agree. Clearly he had no problem communicating with his wife. She was fully aware of his issues/desires and he of hers. They started on the path off assisting and perhaps resolving their sexual issues.

 

He wanted the best of both worlds and for that he deceived everyone.

[CarrieT]

We all met and they discovered that I had a complete relation with both. Its been 3 years and I cant decide what to do.

Okay, so everyone knows of everyone else's existence and in that time, neither Wife nor Mistress has pushed you to make a decision?

 

Perhaps they are both okay with the arrangement and - if so - why not just live in a polyamory marriage?

 

Bring it all to the forefront and be truthful with both of them.

[pteromom]

Since I met my wife and knew she has a low self esteem I always supported her and helped her in dealing with that. I always complemented her on all her physical and personality aspects. She always refused to hear me telling her that she is beautiful and sexy. I also understand that she refused to hear that because of how she feels and tried to be careful with everything I said...etc Moreover, I always took care of my physical and made sure I stay fit for myself first and for my partner.

 

Her self-esteem could be a reason for her lack of desire to have sex. OR it could just be that she is a low-drive person and doesn't prioritize sex.

 

My guess is even if she's able to make a breakthrough and learn to love sex more, she isn't going to turn into some sexual wild woman.

 

I think you are expecting her to become someone she simply isn't.

 

You need to either learn to love the life you have with her even if sex isn't the best, or move on and look for someone who wants what you want.

[veggirl]

Honestly if your wife has been in therapy and this has been going on for 8+ years, there's no hope for her. She will probably never be sexual or comfortable with sex. Obviously you can't live with that (understandable) so unless she is open to the idea of you having a mistress, you should divorce.

 

If all you guys are is best friends, you can continue to be just friends after a divorce, right?

 

Why did you marry her when the sex was so non-existant?

[stillafool]

It is apparent you aren't going to have good sex (if any) with your wife. That is not going to change as you two are sexually imcompatible. I think you should divorce her and be with someone you can enjoy sex with in this life. At the same time I think it will free your wife up to discover her sexuality because she is not compatible with you in that way. She may discover that she enjoys and desires sex very much with the right man. Life is very short take a chance and both of you be happy.