Husband still friends with ex

[IslaCutie]

Hi all. Sorry for long post... I've been married to my husband for over 4 years. He is 32 and I'm 29. He means everything to me and I couldn't imagine being without him. Our marriage has been perfect up to the past 3 months. I do feel that I haven't helped the situation. It's made me an insecure wreck. Would like some guidance because I feel lost and confused trying to understand the situation. I really don't want our marriage to end.

 

Background info - Before us, my husband was in a long term relationship with a girl he's known since childhood. They dated as teens, lived together for 7 years and were engaged for close to a year. They basically did everything together, from attending university together, to vacationing together, etc. It ended because my husband had sex with one of her friends while she was visiting family overseas. He couldn't get the time off work. He told me that he had too much to drink, missed ex, and the girl was throwing herself at him. He said he regret it. Ex finished relationship, moved out and went no contact on him. Husband said that he spent months trying to get ex back, while dating other women. He said none matched up. Ex didn't take him back, due to trust issues but agreed to be on good terms for the sake of friends.

Husband and ex have a close group of mutual friends from childhood and he still meets up with them every so often (when people have time). He keeps in regular contact with them by phone, facebook. His closest childhood friend is married to ex's best friend... and his sister is good friends with ex. So... I understand that he can't avoid ex completely and I don't expect him to. What I do want is respect and honesty.

 

In Dec we went to a family gathering and his sister let slip that he was still in regular contact with ex (he told me that they only speak briefly when out with friends). At home I questioned him on it and he admitted to texting her throughout the duration of our marriage!! He said that sometimes they have lunch/coffee together, because her job is flexible, and sometimes he helps her with odd jobs around her house, such as decorating. He said she's been through some bad break ups and he helped her. I was livid! In our 4 years of marriage he has hardly mentioned his ex... just told me their history. I felt betrayed. I asked why does he still care and he said that he doesn't care but feels guilty for cheating on her and can't help but feel responsible for giving her trust issues. I was so mad. I told him to stop babying her because she's a grown woman. He said that he didn't mention it because he knew I wouldn't understand and that I'd overreact. He offered to show me texts but it didn't feel right. I said that I want him to be honest and that I'm fine with them meeting up with friends but I draw the line at intimacy and I don't want them to meet up alone.

 

After that he started being more open with me and telling me what happens when he goes out with friends and what ex says to him. (Me being stupid) said that I want him to be honest about his feelings and tell me things that I should know about but not tiny insignificant details. He got mad and said that I don't know what I want and I'm being controlling. I said that he should be conserving with me more and her less. He said that I don't get understand. It drives me mad when he says that because I do try to understand but it doesn't stop it hurting.

 

Few weeks ago I got a call from my sister talking about my husband's facebook, so I looked on there and there were loads of comments from ex. They weren't flirty but sounded really couple-ly. Some also said things like "what an angel for driving me home last night" "thanks for the coffee"... I asked husband about it and he said that it's not his fault that she posts on there. I said that it was upsetting me and he needs to talk to her and remind her that he has a wife. I said that he's leading her on and she's getting too attached. I asked if he still had feelings for her and he said no and that he'll see what he can do.

 

Last friday at work I got a call on cell phone from his sister, calling me a controlling witch and said that I should learn to trust my husband more instead of taking my issues out on him. She said that I should deal with it and that I will never replace ex. Husband has obviously been talking to her... he sees her as some kind of saint. I told him about it and he said that he doesn't have feelings for ex and that I need to sort out my issues! He didn't even acknowledge that his sister was mean to me. He said that he wasn't going to stop talking to ex but he didn't want to lose me, so the only other option is for me to meet ex and be friends with her. I said absolutely not, that's ridiculous. After some thinking, I agreed and yesterday me and him met up with her. She's stunning, and really intelligent and witty... She's a lot more outgoing than me. The worst thing was that she is really nice and then I felt bad for thinking bad of her. I felt miserable sitting there and hearing them talk.

 

I'm really confused. I don't want to lose husband and love him so much! I feel so insecure and feel threatened by ex. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough and will never match up to her. There's been nothing to say that they've done more than just talk. It feels so silly to end a 4 year marriage on my trust issues but it makes me feel so sad and I feel on edge. I don't know if I'm fighting a losing battle?

 

He tells me that he doesn't care about her, but I don't understand why he keeps in contact... and if he does have feelings for her then why doesn't he tell me and divorce me? What is stopping him? Am I over analysing the entire situation? Am I in the wrong? Should I believe him and learn to cope with it? Will we be able to work through it?

[newmoon]

you love your husband, but he doesn't love and respect you to the same extent. and neither does his family. there are probably situations where being friends with an ex can work, but i don't think you're in one. he should have given up the friendship when you married, because that is the greater commitment and should have meant more to him. as a couple you should make friends together and he shouldn't have "his friends" that he excludes you from, but includes her in. you do not have to be her friend. they are obviously deeply attached to one another and him going out of his way to do favors, accept calls, fb notices, etc. just increases a bond that should be decreasingly and/or eliminated completely. perhaps he married you too close to the break-up from her and was not truly over her (even though he cheated)? he obviously wanted her back quite a lot and probably sees her as the one that got away - sorry. i don't know, but i would certainly demand changes if you want it to work. you're in a marriage and not a dating relationship so you have every right to ask for what you need and giving up an ex should be very easy for a married man who loves his wife and not the friend.

Edited January 26, 2015 by newmoon

[Winterina]

You are not controlling, your trust has been shaken to the core and rightfully so. He has gone behind your back for 4 years to meet his ex because to cite you "He said that he didn't mention it because he knew I wouldn't understand and that I'd overreact."

Isn't this what honesty is about? Telling things that are hard to tell, not just being honest when there are no consequences.

He betrayed your trust and he is seriously disrespectful of your feelings in this situation.

He was hiding his relationship with her for the duration of your marriage and now calls you names, both him and his sister. He did not stand up for you, his wife, to protect you from his sister attacking you because of other woman that is a close friend of hers. I am really sorry you have to go through this and feel so alone, there is nobody on your side... :-(

 

 

If I were you I would make sure to give him a choice, me or her. He can arrange his meetings with his friends when she is not around. And if she has to be there, his relationship should be confined to hi how are you and bye. That's all.

Edited January 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spanz1]

if it bothers you that he has such a strong relationship with the ex, you need to tell him to choose one, because you will go crazy on him if you find even a single new contact with that woman.

 

some women can handle such contacts in their men. some men can handle talking to an ex without having an affair. but those are both big dice to roll! why take chances?

[Broom]

I feel like it would have been easier for you to accept had he been transparent from the beginning.

 

But the fact he hid it for so long already gives it a bad taste in everyone's mouth. And the fact H admitted that he knew you would have issues with him lets you know that he knows what he is doing is kind of crossing the line.

 

Wonder how he would feel if roles were reversed.

 

And definitely yeah, he is being selfish by manipulating you into meeting her so you can see just how "harmless" she is.

[dichotomy]

"forsaking all others..."

 

Love is loyalty and devotion, it is trust, and giving to the one you love above all others.

 

You husband has been sneaking around your back, lying, and giving to an old love he still cares about.

 

I know all about a spouse who sneaks around to see old loves....even if its not sexual, its a betrayal and its cheating - an emotional affair. He hid it from you because he KNEW it was wrong and would not be acceptable to you.

 

You need to seek couples therapy, and have some discussions about love and marriage.... and he needs to go NC right now with the ex. Set your boundaries - explain what is cheating to you, and what you will do and how you will respond if he continues with the ex.

Edited January 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[Friskyone4u]

IslaCutie

 

You are not being paranoid at all. He has been carrying in a secret relationship toms greater extent than you knew about and you have been in the dark about it and still would be except for his relative slipping and telling you things he did not.

This forum and other is full of infidelity stories where people maintained constant relationship with ex boyfriends or girlfriends, especially when the u are hidden .

 

And as far as him hanging out with a group that she is constantly involved with and you not being part of this group. Sorry , but when he said his vows they did not include the right to go drinking and hang around with his ex girlfriend.

Of course you love him but as long as he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you will accept it there is a better than average chance that the next piece of information you will here will go something like this

"I was drinks d it just happened". Or "I was just helping her fix something and it just happened ". Or worse, it will go on for a long time before you find out.

A married man of only a short duration or woman for that matter , should not be in a constant texting or personal relationship with their ex partner if no kids are involved.

Do not accept this or you will be sorry.

[stillmind]

Your husband has not behaved appropriately with this woman, and if his relationship with her makes you uncomfortable you have every right to ask him to end it. The fact that this has been carrying on for your entire marriage is a huge slap in the face and a betrayal of trust. This ex being friends with his sister is meaningless. He has to carry on a secret "friends" relationship with his sister's friend to avoid upsetting his sister at the expense of his wife's trust? Dumb. I would bet money on him beginning an affair with this ex if their relationship continues in any form.

[veggirl]

I think you guys need couples counseling if he is going to insist on playing "i'm a dumbas$" and pretend like he doesn't understand why you are upset.

 

He is 100% in the wrong, he is playing stupid "omg how can you bad mad? it's no biggie!" to rug-sweep what he is doing. He knows its wrong, but he'll never admit that to you because then he loses his ex.

 

I think you are on very shaky ground with him right now. Do you think he'd agree to counseling? Maybe an impartial 3rd party would be able to enlighten him?

 

He is headed towards an affair. There shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. He ACTIVELY deceived you for years. On purpose. To suit his own wants.

 

You are not wrong here. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that you are.

 

btw, when he was doing odd jobs around his exes house where did he tell you he was at? Did he lie?

[anika99]

You do not have trust issues, your husband has loyalty issues. This is proven by the fact that he cheated on his ex in the first place. Oh it was because he was drinking and he missed her? And some woman was throwing herself at him and practically forced him to screw her? LOL..what pathetic lame reasons those are for cheating on someone he loved. His ex was correct in not buying those excuses. His efforts to win her back may have been more successful if he didn't continue to mess around with other women while he was expressing regret and claiming she was his one and only. Again she was wise to not get sucked back. If he felt true remorse for his cheating there would have been no dating other women when he was actively trying to get his ex to reconcile with him. He claimed to want her back but wouldn't give up seeing other women. Now he claims to love you but won't give up his ex. He is a selfish emotionally immature man.

 

 

There seems to be many women who have been hurt by cheating who then go on to become the OW in a later relationship. Seems to be some sort of subconscious way of righting the wrong that was done to them. They want to be the woman who is worth losing a long term relationship for rather than the one who is cheated and betrayed. I would not trust his ex no matter how nice she seems to be. She may be perfectly lovely but she was not unaware that she's had a four year relationship with your husband that completely excluded his wife. Mostly I wouldn't trust your husband. He was the one that actively hid this relationship from you for 4 years. He does not take any ownership for any of his actions and acts like other people and outside forces make him behave dishonorably. He cheated on his gf because he missed her and another woman was throwing herself at him. He had to hide his relationship with his ex from you for 4 years because he knew it would upset you. This is the behavior of a very childish boy, not a man.

 

 

His sister is compounding the issue and she is totally out of line. You will never replace his ex? WTF is she talking about? Is she married herself? Sounds like she never got over the break up with his ex but if she is a mature woman she would understand that a man's relationship with his wife comes above all else. Sounds like he and his whole family have some warped thinking and perhaps you do need to end the marriage.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Wow does this post make me mad! Your husband is a complete ASS and he has a lot of growing up to do.

 

His "friendship" with his ex is completely unacceptable. Tattling to his sister about your marital troubles is inexcusable - seriously, is he 12? And his sister is a meddling witch.

 

I don't buy the exes "nice girl" act either. She'd have to be a complete moron not to realize that her actions towards a married man - her ex no less - are way out of line. Leaning on him emotionally when she goes through breakups?? Doesn't she have any other friends??? She is a snake in the grass. Sounds like she can't handle seeing him with someone else - she wanted him to spend a few more months or years trying to woo her back. I guarantee she is feeding off of and loving all the drama she is causing - it makes her feel important.

 

I've been through this - a few months after my now-husband and I started dating I found out he was still "friends" with his ex. She also depended on him for everything, including emotional support. One of their mutual friends also confronted me and accused me of being insecure and controlling. My husband (then boyfriend) insisted his ex was a "nice girl" and I had nothing to worry about. Yes he was cheating on me with her. He never admitted it until we'd been married for a year (by then he was no longer in contact with her) and it nearly destroyed us.

 

I would suggest marriage counselling, and if that doesn't get through to him, separation and filing for divorce.

[whichwayisup]

You do not have trust issues, your husband has loyalty issues.

This pretty much sums it up.

 

Fact is, this ex IS a part of his daily life, they are 'close' friends (aka emotional affair) and he is investing in her and she in him.

 

Throughout your marriage he's never once introduced you to her, invited her to the house for dinner so you two could get to know one another. He's hidden her and how close they still are from you from day one.

 

 

Last friday at work I got a call on cell phone from his sister, calling me a controlling witch and said that I should learn to trust my husband more instead of taking my issues out on him. She said that I should deal with it and that I will never replace ex.

 

Doesn't help that your sister in law adores the ex and seems to be encouraging and supporting him going behind your back. That is unacceptable!

 

I know this is extreme but you need to stand up for yourself. Tell him to pack a bag and GO to the OW. Or, he can distance himself from her, end their friendship and fix himself by doing counseling on his own and with you.

 

Without your knowledge, this 'friendship' and the ex has been a 3rd person in your marriage, he's had two women meeting his needs. That has to stop immediately, he can't have it both ways!

[Winterina]

Another thing I was going to say (but it got censured because of use of descriptive words for his ex... hehe... ) Do not think of her as a nice girl. She is not. No nice girl would ever be posting on her married ex bf's FB page stuff like that, knowing that you will see it. She is deliberately trying to mess things up but so that her hands stay clean and so that she can say how she never really meant it and be all sorry about it... She is succeeding.

 

 

Your husband needs to grow up and protect you from harm, even if it comes from his sister and especially if it comes from his ex.

 

 

You absolutely MUST make him choose. If he does not want to, then you know how important you are to him. You will not be happy in a relationship where he is off decorating his ex gf apartment and everyone seems to be on her side. You need a team mate too, someone to call your love, someone more loyal and definitely someone more honest. Do not give your love for anything less than that. If you do, he is likely to end up cheating on you with her from the description of things.

 

 

I can also advise you to start hanging with a close guy friend all the time and message with him and all that... have him post little lovely notes on your FB about wonderful evening you two had together... This might make your husband respect you more, believe it or not. You would not be doing anything he isn't doing. Give him a taste of his own medicine... works like a charm with most of people.

[whichwayisup]

I can also advise you to start hanging with a close guy friend all the time and message with him and all that... have him post little lovely notes on your FB about wonderful evening you two had together... This might make your husband respect you more, believe it or not. You would not be doing anything he isn't doing. Give him a taste of his own medicine... works like a charm with most of people.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

She can tell him 'how would you feel if I was doing what you were doing and having a closeness with another man, him posting and replying on my fb wall, hiding stuff and downplaying our 'friendship' to you, going behind your back and investing in him.' etc. Her actually doing this isn't right, it'll just add more issues that are already there and instead of ONE person having trust issues, they both will have trust issues towards each other.

[stillafool]

Um, what wife wants her husband hanging out with an ex he loved for 7 years like this:

 

 

She's stunning, and really intelligent and witty... She's a lot more outgoing than me.

 

None!

[Winterina]

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

She can tell him 'how would you feel if I was doing what you were doing and having a closeness with another man, him posting and replying on my fb wall, hiding stuff and downplaying our 'friendship' to you, going behind your back and investing in him.' etc. Her actually doing this isn't right, it'll just add more issues that are already there and instead of ONE person having trust issues, they both will have trust issues towards each other.

 

You are right. Two wrongs don't make it right, but it might make him get his head out of youknowwhat...

I suggested this as a last option, if all else fails. If he does not want to choose, if he does not want to stop the contact, if he does not want to talk to his sister and tell her to back off and leave his wife alone...

In that case, she has nothing to lose.

Telling him to imagine how he would feel if this were happening to him might be a very weak attempt to make him see things and I am willing to bet it will not work.

[IslaCutie]

Hi all. Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. I have read all of them and have taken all advice and options into account. Husband was going to go out with friends tonight but I told him to stay home and we can have a takeaway. I'll try to bring some things up

 

Obviously I would really love to work it out because he means everything to me but I am aware that I might have to end it if there are no signs of improvement. I'm so scared of asking him to pick one of us because he might pick her, and I'll be heartbroken. He's also been mad at me the past few days and might make a decision based on his anger. I don't know what he will achieve from picking ex over me??? If I had been a bad wife then I would understand but up to recently we have barely argued and marriage has been great. There were no signs of him not being interested. Maybe some people just hide it well, or I'm clueless...

 

What I can't make sense of is that if he is still emotionally attached to her then why is he still with me? She is single at the moment. Could he still be in love with me and this will all pass over? Also... if his ex does not want him back then why is he still chasing after her? I don't think she is using him just for attention because she could use any guy (who's willing) for that... unless she is out for payback, and they have known each other for so long so I don't think she's trying to deliberately sabotage us for a esteem boost, attention etc. I might be wrong though.

I know people aren't mind readers but just wondered about opinions on that. Would it be a really bad idea for me to talk to his ex and ask her what is she trying to achieve from this? Will it make me sneaky like him?

 

I'll think about suggesting couples counselling to him and will ask him how he defines cheating and tell him what I think.

 

You need to seek couples therapy, and have some discussions about love and marriage.... and he needs to go NC right now with the ex. Set your boundaries - explain what is cheating to you, and what you will do and how you will respond if he continues with the ex.

 

Good idea, thanks.

 

This ex being friends with his sister is meaningless. He has to carry on a secret "friends" relationship with his sister's friend to avoid upsetting his sister at the expense of his wife's trust? Dumb. I would bet money on him beginning an affair with this ex if their relationship continues in any form.

 

His sister and ex became friends when he was living with ex. What I gather from him is that his family really liked ex and were disappointed when he cheated. His sister was more bitter about it than others. Even his parents are nice and accepting of me.

 

btw, when he was doing odd jobs around his exes house where did he tell you he was at? Did he lie?

 

He told me that he would meet up with her in lunch breaks at work (his lunch break is an hour). I know that he has a set amount of working hours a week so if he goes into work an hour early then he can take hour off when he wants. I start work earlier than him and finish before so I'm not really sure what goes on.

 

His sister is compounding the issue and she is totally out of line. You will never replace his ex? WTF is she talking about? Is she married herself? Sounds like she never got over the break up with his ex but if she is a mature woman she would understand that a man's relationship with his wife comes above all else. Sounds like he and his whole family have some warped thinking and perhaps you do need to end the marriage.

 

She is married, yes. His parents are nice to me. Just his sister is very bitter and he thinks she's a saint. I think he goes to her for advice.

 

Doesn't she have any other friends??? She is a snake in the grass. Sounds like she can't handle seeing him with someone else - she wanted him to spend a few more months or years trying to woo her back. I guarantee she is feeding off of and loving all the drama she is causing - it makes her feel important.

 

She has many friends! Husband said that she was really hurt over him cheating and has trust issues with people she dates. He said that he regrets it but is over her, yet wants to help her. Yes, probably loving the attention.

 

I can also advise you to start hanging with a close guy friend all the time and message with him and all that... have him post little lovely notes on your FB about wonderful evening you two had together... This might make your husband respect you more, believe it or not. You would not be doing anything he isn't doing. Give him a taste of his own medicine... works like a charm with most of people.

 

That's an idea but it's not really me. I'm also sad to say that I lost contact with my friends. I got so sucked in by my husband and fell head over heels in love. I put all my time and effort into him.

 

perhaps he married you too close to the break-up from her and was not truly over her (even though he cheated)?

We started dating about a year and half after their break up. It wasn't that close. I feel so out of the loop, with him.

 

And if she has to be there, his relationship should be confined to hi how are you and bye. That's all.

 

I agree. I think she is there most of the time because they 'share' the friends.

[whichwayisup]

You've done nothing wrong. Nothing!! So don't you blame yourself.

 

One scenario to think about... Your husband unfortunately (possibly) has never gotten over his ex and some how over time he's settled and got used to having you both in his life. He does love you, he's just not able or wanting to let go of his ex. It is possible too that still is in love with her but is too afraid to leave you and the comforts of home and life he's built with you...But that isn't enough reason TO stay. You deserve his full attention, not shared with his OW/ex.

 

Be honest, tell him it hurts and you don't want to divorce but if he is truly unhappy, you don't want to force him to stay, you don't want to be second choice, that you'll divorce him because you deserve the best. And right now he isn't 'the best'. he's a cheating and lying a hole.

[dichotomy]

IslaCutie,

 

My wife, then GF and fiancée' continued to secretly maintain "friendships" with ex lovers while with me. The worst was a MM who she was physically involved with before me, but could not let go emotionally when she met me. While never sexually cheating she could not let go of the emotional connections (the glue that comes from an intimate relationship) with these men from her past. In particular MM was a total hound who kept trying to get her to sexually resume that part of the relationship. Their emotional affair included intimate talks about me, our relationship, sex, and more. Worst of all, I was allowed to meet and hang out with this MM before we got married - thinking he was just some random friend from her home town. I was accepting and nice to him.

 

After this all came out after - shortly after we were married, I demanded no contact, ever from MM or any old boyfriends/lovers - or our marriage was over. We eventually even stopped going back to her home town and have not been there in years. She also dropped a GF who was tied to MM.

 

She has been mad at me, cried over it, and more since that break from all those people and that home town.. Does not matter that was my boundary and my condition for staying after what I considered an emotional affair and betrayals and lies.

 

Make no mistake - there is "glue" left with this ex of his. They were in love and sexually - intimacy. You have no idea what he has shared about your marriage, you, or more with this woman while he has been visiting her. He needs something from her - gets something - he is not getting (or rather should be getting) from you.

 

 

 

You have been cheated on.

[Minnie09]

Don't make the mistake and call her in order to discuss what she's getting out of this relationship. The first thing she would do is call him and tattle. It will make you look weak and whiny. And he would get super mad at you for inconveniencing her. Everybody will know. She will tell your husband. His sister. And all their shared friends. She will feel even more important. And you will be the shunned, crazy, unreasonable one. She will twist it that way to her own advantage.....no doubt about that. And he will eat it all up.

 

In your current situation, You do not want to appear weak. You want to appear strong. And you will have to set strong boundaries. After all: He has been lying to you for years. I think this is the real issue here. Why couldn't he tell you how strong their connection still was? How important their friendship was? I can tell you why. Because he was enjoying this. And so was she. And so they tried everything in their power to hide it from you. Because they didn't want it to be over.

 

He's immature. Childish. And a liar. And I wouldn't be sure that they didn't have sex. They would have, if she had led him. That's for sure. If she decides to seduce him, He will not say no......but that's not even the point. The point is that he lied to you for so long. And that sucks. Like somebody else said, above, this is first and foremost a loyalty issue...…and it has become a serious trust issue in your marriage. At this point, I wouldn't believe him anything anymore, until he gets his freaking act together. Until he tells his sister off, until he tells her off......And until he tells everybody who is important to him that he feels like he has made a mistake and that hat he has been a lying scumbag and that you're the most important person in his life, and that he is truly sorry.......I don't even want to know how many of his friends backed him up, while he was lying to you and going behind your back. I could not tolerate this. I'm sorry. Don't make him choose between you and her. Because in my opinion, he has already chosen her. Right now he's playing the victim who has such a controlling wife that he basically had no choice but lie to you, which in his eyes makes deceiving you completely reasonable. I hope you don't buy it. It's just another way to control and manipulate you. I wouldn't even say too much to him. I would just ask him to figure it all out, and that he should come talk to you if he's ready to suggest a solution that is acceptable to you. End of story.

[Mr. Lucky]

It ended because my husband had sex with one of her friends while she was visiting family overseas.

In Dec we went to a family gathering and his sister let slip that he was still in regular contact with ex (he told me that they only speak briefly when out with friends). At home I questioned him on it and he admitted to texting her throughout the duration of our marriage!! He said that sometimes they have lunch/coffee together, because her job is flexible, and sometimes he helps her with odd jobs around her house, such as decorating. He said she's been through some bad break ups and he helped her. I was livid! In our 4 years of marriage he has hardly mentioned his ex... just told me their history. I felt betrayed.

 

When people show us who they are, we should probably believe them .

 

Sorry but, based on history, don't like his chances to walk the line...

 

Mr. Lucky

[newmoon]

i just noticed what you wrote...

 

...He said that sometimes they have lunch/coffee together, because her job is flexible, and sometimes he helps her with odd jobs around her house, such as decorating....

 

yikes. how do you know they haven't been sleeping together all this time as well? having meetups because "her job is flexible" is kinda... not good. i bet they've been hooking up all along. or at least my mind would be playing over that possibility. maybe the sister knows something you don't? like he has intentions to get back with the ex?

[Mal78]

Fine, they are friends and apparently you get that. He, has been alone with her on several occasions and never told you until he was faced with telling the truth. **red flag**

 

She is his ex and "good friend" who has only just met you?? Where do you think her loyalty lies?

 

Who thanks people for rides home or coffee dates publicly on MM facebook without motive? Honestly, who?

 

Just like his lame @$$ excuse for cheating on his ex, "I was drunk, lonely and she was throwing herself at me" his excuse was just as lame for not telling you in 4 years they still see each other regularly, alone! Why didn't he tell you? Oh, yeah because he knew you would react the same way any normal betrayed spouse would. But it's your fault he couldn't tell you? You are to blame for his dishonesty. He surely lied to you about his whereabouts at least half of these occasion because typical married couples "check-in" with each other daily. So he has found excuses and lies about his whereabouts.

 

Yes. I am validating to you that this IS serious and you are NOT over-reacting! I would expect full disclosure from here on out if he feels he has to continue this friendship. Also, he has to respect boundaries such as not ever being alone with her which I highly doubt he will agree to and then run back to his sister with your "controlling ways". Where do you think the sister's loyalty lies? You are the last on that totem pole guarantee!

 

The sister dreamed of her good friend marrying her brother then her and her good friend could be "sisters".

 

This whole situation is WRONG. He needs to make some decisions and you do too.

 

((HUGE HUGS))

[Mal78]

If they are such great friends why is it after 4 years you are just meeting her for the first time? Was she not invited to the wedding, this good friend whom the go on frequent "friend outings", coffee dates and alone time in her home so he could help her with her "relationship issues" and "decorating".

 

My goodness this whole situation is full of clichés. Sadly.

 

Again, ((HUGE HUGS)).

[Silveron]

Isla,

 

 

I had the same issue with my wife after we got married. She started talking and seeing her ex behind my back. She would turn it on me and the only way I found out was by playing detective. It's exhausting, it breaks the bond between you two and to have to walk on eggshells wondering what is he doing all the time is not worth the relationship.

 

 

Her 'being friends' with you is just having a good laugh behind your back. She thinks of this as a challenge and she has no loyalty to you. Do not ever trust her.

 

 

Your husband sounds like he has some sort of mental disorder (perhaps BPD?). His lack of empathy and understanding is very scary. Honestly if he hid this for FOUR years and was spending time with her at her house then I would bet he has been cheating on you. Don't let his gaslight you into believing his lies. He wants to come out of this looking like a gentleman, all the while his actions speak of him being a skunk.

 

 

And even after this 'situation' comes to a conclusion, how long will it be before he does something else like this? I'm sorry you are going through this, this is NOT your fault. They will blame it on you and make you feel like you have to apologize to them, they are good at doing this sort of thing. Don't tolerate it. Leave. Save yourself. This is a person you cannot trust! No amount of talking or communicating with is going to change a person who has this sort of personality. Does he love you? Only when you agree with him. Only when you TOLERATE it, like you are. He will love you until he has no more use for you then go onto the next woman.

 

 

Look what he did to his ex? Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm sorry, but he's doing this to you.

 

 

From someone who's married to a BPD, please leave!!!!