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Husband Doesn't Want to Talk- Told me to post on a Forum So Here I am


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It's taken some time for me to decide to post on a forum about my problems. Mostly, I felt like people that don't know my husband or might not be able to give helpful advice specific to us. But with some thinking, I decided that maybe I can give enough details that someone out there can give some tips, feedback, advice, etc that will help.

 

To begin with, my husband I have been married since April 2013- so almost two years. I have two daughters from a previous relationship- they are 14 and 17. My daughters are homeschooled and have been since they were in 2nd and 4th grade. My husband I probably didn't meet in the most conventional way- we were co-workers, who also worked from home so we spent a lot of time talking to each other via Yahoo Messenger , Skype, and Facebook before deciding to date. He moved 11 hours away from another state to be with me-which to me, has always said a lot about him because he moved away from the family and friends he had to be here with me allowing me to still be near my family.

 

In our talks, and there were so many of them before we moved in together, we discussed everything. We talked about what each of us expected of the other one and everything seemed perfectly normal. We both wanted someone to spend time with, someone to do things with that we enjoyed, to buy a house, to save money, etc. He told me how much he loved playing video games and going to the beach to sit and think(which was nearby for him before he moved). I told him how much I loved working outside in my yard, planting flowers, spending time with my kids, and that I wanted to buy a house on the beach. To make a long story short, there wasn't much, if anything, we disagreed on.

 

So now on to the bad part, I guess... I noticed within the first few months of being with him that he's not an OCD cleaning freak like I am. Even though he doesn't realize it so much, I changed a lot about that part of me due to him. When I say due to him, I want to be clear- it was because I'd rather spend time with him and/or the kids than work on meaningless tasks around the house. He taught me how to let some things go without even realizing it. However, because he wasn't around for the "before" stages of the OCD cleaning that I frequently displayed, he thinks I'm still a bit obsessive in the cleaning department. I usually spend about an hour to an hour and a half each day doing normal household things such as dishes, laundry, picking up things are left laying around, making beds, etc. Then when I am off on the weekends, I choose one of those days to "really" clean the house(around 5-6 hrs)- scrub toilets, showers, clean out the fridge, vacuum, etc. (and to be fair, if we didn't have four small dogs who drive me insane, I could maybe do a little less however they are the kids parents and I don't want to be the satanic parent who gives away the dogs). I feel like this is a huge improvement over my pre-marriage cleaning that would take 4-5 hours a day and and both days off work.. In the summertime, I cut the grass, weedeat, blow leaves and dirt from the driveway, try to keep things neat outside basically.. In the winter months, there's not as much to do outside so maybe rake/blow leaves once a month at most.

 

My husbands argument with the above is that I spend too much time cleaning and this is time that I could be spending one on one with him. While I would soooo much love to be able to do that-seriously, I would.. I have reminded him that these are just part of the responsibilities of having a home, me having kids, etc. He disagrees. Now in his defense, he bought me the absolute best gift ever this year- a Bravva floor sweeping/mopping robot. I can use this downstairs on our hardwoods and that immediately saves me 30 mins a day. While that thing is cleaning the floor I can be doing laundry so it's like there's two of me.

 

My argument with him though is that if he wants more time with me then he could help me out a little.. Now, don't get me wrong.. My kids are my kids and my pets are my pets. He didn't want the pets and the kids are technically old enough to be doing somethings themselves. The things I'm asking him to do to help out are clean our bedroom (make the bed each day and pick up random little things that get left around to put them away), clean our upstairs bathroom that he and I use- mainly help me keep these two rooms clean during the week and then on the weekend when we're off he can clean these two rooms that only he and I really use on his own while I work on the other stuff. That only leaves me with the living room, dining room, kitchen, and downstairs bath. It leaves me with the laundry of course but I'm alright with that.. I've asked him to help keep the dishwasher loaded/unloaded with me throughout the week, and maybe cook dinner a night or two a week.

 

Now to tell you a bit about my husband- he really loves video games and he's dang good at them. I don't want him to stop playing them- not at all. I even play them with him once I get all of the housework out of the way and I enjoy them. Really, what I enjoy is spending the time with him and seeing him happy. If me spending a few hours playing a game can make him happy then I'm all for it. I just wish he felt the same about me. Him helping me out would make me feel equally as happy. Honestly, I almost feel like this would make our life "close" to perfect. However, when he wakes up in the mornings (if he's not working) he goes straight to the computer, plays a game for a while.. Gets bored with that, moves to the bed, plays another game, maybe watches a movie. I get off work, he's ready to play more games, watch more movies, or do something with me but he doesn't understand or I haven't said it in a way yet that makes sense I have a house to take care of, kids to take care of and talk to, and at the same time with those things I "WANT" to spend time with him too doing anything but cleaning or talking about bills.

 

He and I both still work from home so we're here all day. We don't go out much except for our one night out together each week, usually on Fridays since we're off on the weekends. After sitting at my desk for 8-10 hours a day working, I am not at all thrilled about spending another 3-4 hours at it immediately after work. I want to get up and move around. I am also more than happy to spend that time moving around with him! When I get off work at 730 each night the first thing I have to do is cook dinner- which he thinks is crazy... I cook meals for my kids for dinner.. While I'm working during the day, they handle their lunch and breakfast but I feel the least I can do is cook them dinner- it's not something fancy.. We're talking Spaghetti, Tacos, Pizza, Grilled Chicken.. And while my husband feels that it's ridiculous, I cook for him too. Not because he asks me to but because I am cooking a meal and he's my husband- I'm definitely not going to cook and leave him out.

 

Once dinner is done, I eat with the kids at the dinner table (my husband does not join us for dinner- instead he eats upstairs alone although I have asked many times that he join us because I want him to be a part of our lives- he has told me his mom made him sit at the table and he doesn't like it so I try to understand although I've also told him we can eat at the couch- just as long as we're all together). Once the kids and I eat, I clean up the kitchen, finish up any laundry, talk/listen to the kids, and I try my best to be back upstairs with him or doing something with him by 10-1030 pm. I do have to work the next morning so usually I'm going to bed or at least laying in bed watching TV with him by 12:30 am- 2 am. To him, this isn't enough (and some nights I might not make it up by 10-1030 because I'm trying to be as fair as possible here).

 

So here are our main arguments-

 

He doesn't feel like I spend enough time with him- just me and him. I want to be able to do this for him but I don't know how if I'm the only one taking care of the house and the outside of the house. I also do all of the grocery shopping as well.

 

I would like for him to help out more around the house- just with the small things like cleaning our bedroom and bathroom, taking out trash , and helping with dishes. Besides that just clean up after himself. I'd like for the kids to do the same- clean up after themselves more and their pets.

 

I would like for him to spend less time playing video games- LESS does not equal NONE. I don't want to change who my husband is. He loves gaming. I don't want to take that away from him. In fact, I just want to be able to enjoy it with him without being resentful of it.

 

I would like for him to spend some time doing the things I enjoy (the things we talked about when we were dating)- cooking together, painting the house together, re-dcorating the house or outside together).. Sometimes instead of video games, choose a board game instead because he knows how much I love them.

 

Today though was another argument-While I was working, I was also playing a game with him because work was slow. When my lunch time came, I told him I was stepping away from the computer for a while because I still had a few hours left to work and wanted to move around. I also said that I didn't like sitting at the computer as much as I do. When I said this, the way I said it, he took it as me sayig I didn't want to spend time with him.. That was not the case at all. I do want to spend time with him- the rest of my life with him actually but I just don't want to spend it all in front of a computer screen or for that matter even sitting down.

 

So this moved to a whole argument.... Tonight when I asked him to talk he told me no and shut me down saying that talking to me is only drama. I can understand why he'd say that.. We seem to talk all the time.. The problem is that once we talk, no one is applying it. So then he continues to tell me to find someone else to talk to.. Naturally, being told this (because I am a female) I automatically think he just doesn't care about how I feel and he doesn't want to fix things or be with me. However, being a woman, I still want to talk and my husband is my best friend so yes I want to talk to him.

In another conversation tonight he told me that he's starting to hate everything in his life- which of course I directly translate to hating me because there was nothing clarified to tell me what he hates.

 

I want to fix my marriage. I want my husband to want to help me out. I want my husband to want to spend time doing things that interest both of us equally. Above all, I want him and myself to be happy.

 

I'm not looking for anyone telling me that my marriage is doomed for failure, that I should just leave him, that I should ignore him, etc. I would like honest advice for me and him on how to fix things for both of us so we can be happy. So surely there's someone out there who's been through something similar that can help. :)

 

 

I don't know if I've given enough details or too many. If there's anything I can add to help,please let me know. :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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SycamoreCircle

Aah!!! GREAT WALL OF TEXT!

 

Why on Earth would you think all of this information is pertinent?

 

You want your husband to be more attentive to your needs and vice versa. Communicate. The End.

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Please take this with a grain of humor- Your hubby doesn't want to talk because sometimes Chatty or wordy people are too much to entertain. Glad you listened to hubby. Tell him you posted here, he will be pleased you followed his directive.

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todreaminblue

you need to set a time and place to talk.....talk when he is open and receptive......and ask him when woudl eb a good time for you to talk because we do need to ......

 

 

suggest maybe doing it on neutral grounds somewhere out somewhere peaceful.......i have this theory that tension from discussions bounces back off four walls.......so get out into the fresh air and make it somewhere where its a little quiet where you wont be interrupted.....and bring turkey sandwiches...turkey has a sedative in it...yes i am being serious...to em food often calms a mans spirits....trukey club sandwiches are perfect.....ammo....smilin....you do need to eb honest......dont put all the blame on him sayign you do this you do that ...but say how you feel....adn put a positive spin on it..like not what he doesnt do but what he might do that would make you feel better..say things like....it would be wonderful if we coudl work out a tiem to clean together or shop together or spend more time together....adn then say wouldnt you like a boys day out soemtimes where you do the things you love to do......i wish you well......deb

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And hire a maid to help with the housework; it will leave more time for you two.

 

They aren't *that* expensive. I have one that only comes every other week. In between, I can do the little stuff like you are already doing.

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Personally, I see a lot of glaring issues here. Mainly these issues stem from you trying to be everyone's hero and not drawing any boundaries. Do you know what the most effective thing is that a manager can do? Delegate. Do you know why? Because if the manager does all the work, he/she can't think, can't be constructive, becomes exhausted and ineffective, and can't get anything done. It's not much different with running a household. You're not Super Woman and you should stop trying to be. The things I agree with you about is that your husband should be doing things around the house, and it's never a bad thing for a child to come home to their mom's cooking.

 

However, first of all, your kids are WAY too old not to be helping out with the cleaning. At the age of 7 or 8, my son was doing his own laundry. For years, he had a list taped to his door itemizing his chores (because they apparently had to be spelled out for him -- lol). You say that you want your kids to help out but this is not how an effective parent deals with things. The kids don't have an option -- they help or there are consequences. End of story. You, as the parent, let them know how it's going to be, and they comply. If they don't, then really negative things start to happen. You may think you're being a great mom, a really nice mom, but the truth is, you're teaching them to be entitled, ungrateful, and self-centered.

 

Secondly, I have never heard of anyone doing this much cleaning. It seems completely ridiculous. Have your kids do the basics each day -- put away dirty dishes, feed the dogs, etc. On weekends, do deep cleaning, if you must. Better yet, get a maid. But, seriously, I might do this every other weekend. I've got better things to do. Now, if the dogs shed and make a huge mess, I suppose I can see this. Again, your children should be doing a large portion of these things.

 

Thirdly, your husband is a spoiled brat. He apparently has no children and no concept of what it means to be a parent or an adult. Sitting around playing video games? He can't even help take out the trash? Really? I'm not sure why you thought chatting with someone via the computer was a good way to get to know someone. By the way he acts and talks to you, he sounds borderline abusive. They often tend to be reclusive, can't relate well to others (which is why internet talking works so well for them -- they're not having to deal with a "real" person), they make you feel guilty and get angry over irrational things. The fact that he won't interact with all of you as a family is a big, fat red flag. And, hate to say it, but with this "Ms. Nice Person" personality you have makes you a prime target for a guy like this. And don't be too impressed -- moving away from his hometown to yours could be just a way to make you feel guilty or obligated to him. Not to mention that he has no desire to help you out with the basic things. I guess I missed it -- what is it about him that makes him such a great guy?

 

The first thing I think you should do is have a little conversation with your children about how life has just changed. I would also recommend having another conversation with your bratty husband but that's most likely a pointless conversation. He likes being a child and has no interest in being a husband or acting like a responsible man. My guess is that you won't have to make a decision about the marriage because he has already given you the warning when he said that he hates everything in his life. As far as I'm concerned, either this comment would get resolved, or I'd show him the door. Oh, wait, I forgot -- let's all stay married at all costs...right?

Edited by bathtub-row
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Your husband should help more.

 

Go OUT on dates together. Spend time together having fun at least once a week.

 

Teach your kids to cook and clean! They should be doing this a few times a week and are old enough to learn life skills.

 

Doing it all for them isn't helping them or you or your husband.

 

Cook every 3rd or 4th night and have other family members cook, clean and do laundry and dishes the other days.

 

Have you ever been told you have compulsive habits?

 

And why is your husband living like a ten year old child eating alone in a room and gaming all evening? He should act like an adult who GIVES and participates with his family.

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My wife and I were in counseling several years ago for extremely similar issues. I have even suggested her getting a separate house on her own she could clean it to her hearts content and come over and visit the kids and I if she ever wanted some company.

 

But anyway, the counselor basically told her she could clean the house for 8 hours a day and have a spotless house or she could have a functional family and home life but she couldn't have both and had to choose.

 

This OCD cleaning thing truly is a serious issue. Yes he and the kids should do their part, but what people don't understand is these OCD want others to help them and do their share but it's never good enough and they will come along and scrub something that someone else just got done scrubbing.

 

I've cracked the whip on the kids and we have spent 5 hours scrubbing the house while my wife was at work and she came home and spent 8 hours cleaning it again because we didn't do it good enough.

 

This isn't an irritant or an annoyance, it is a disease. Marriages have been broken because of it.

 

My recommendation from someone who has direct firsthand experience is to seek precessional MC and let the counselor decide if this is a boundary issue and a division of labor issue in the family, or if this is an actual pathological dysfunction requiring therapy.

 

You may have an actual disorder that needs treatment or you may just need to delicate more of the responsibility to the kids and husband. But you will likley need a marital counselor to determine which it is.

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To be fair- when I say OCD, I just mean I want it clean. I used to clean as much as I did because I worked at home and was here all day to look at it.. Now that I leave more, I don't clean as much but still want a somewhat clean home.. I don't expect spotless by any means.. People live here. I just want help with dishes, laundry, and normal cleaning stuff..

We're not talking about alphabetizing the pantry. :)

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Also, when my husband or kids have helped around the house in the past, they do a perfect job. Im not OCD to the point that no one can do it "good enough". They all have just fine cleaning skills. :)

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My husbands argument with the above is that I spend too much time cleaning...

 

He's right, you do spend too much time cleaning. An hour to an hour and a half a day???? Then 5-6 hours on the weekend? That is obsessive, and obviously causing your husband some displeasure. I just can't imagine what is possibly going on in your house that would require that much time to clean. We have a relatively large home(around 8,000 sq.ft), and our housekeeper does the whole thing in 6 hours once a week. My wife and I may... may spend collectively an hour and a half a week on top of that.

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Aah!!! GREAT WALL OF TEXT!

 

What he means is many people enjoy LoveShack on mobile devices where blocks of text are very hard to read. Short paragraphs with spaces will get you more page views and more responses.

 

From the community guidelines:

 

"We ask that community participants separate long posts into paragraphs, leaving a blank line between each block of text similar to the style used in this document. We have found that posters who follow this suggestion not only improve the readability of the post, but also tend to receive a greater number of responses."

 

Mr. Lucky

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no man wants a woman telling him what do, mark my words, look, he wants to play his game and you are lonely, watch some videos on youtube

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In another conversation tonight he told me that he's starting to hate everything in his life- which of course I directly translate to hating me because there was nothing clarified to tell me what he hates.

Also, this is you translating what he is saying. You need him to really clarify what "everything in his life" means to him.

 

It isn't just you - although that may be a part of it. The global picture is that this new life that he has started isn't what he was planning and may not see any ways to change towards something else. But without open and honest communication, you CANNOT fix things for him if he doesn't open up.

 

You might be able to fix things together, but only if you are both brutally honest and are both willing to make changes.

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evanescentworld

OCD...?

 

You're NOT OCD.

You want OCD?

 

I'M OCD.....

 

All the knives, forks and spoons, polished. No finger marks.

Forks and spoons on sides, all lying in the same direction.

Plates stacked in incremental sizes, separate piles.

Cereal boxes sorted by height.

Cookery books arranged by height, no matter who the author.

 

Teacloths folded into three vertically, then into three again. Ironed, of course.

Flannels/facecloths - folded into three, colour-coded for days of the week.

 

Wooden clothes pegs for woolens, coloured pegs to match colours of clothing items they're gripping.

Socks MUST be washed in pairs, and hung up on sock hanger so that all pegs are evenly used. 'Like' opposite 'like' for weight balance.

 

Everything washed, hung out, dried, ironed and stored, inside-out (there IS a logic to this, I learnt it off HM the Queen's personal clothes Guardian....)

 

If I use towel sets (hand-towel, middle-sized and bath-sheet), I have to wash all the set, even though maybe just one towel out of the three has been used.

Beds all made, covered and pillows fluffed, all seams of bedding uncreased, and straightened; it has to look 'aesthetically pleasing'.

 

Cleaning the house always starts upstairs and moves down.

 

Don't get me started on clothes storage...

 

My H and I have great sex by the way.....:D

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Since it seems the OP has a slight case of OCD, nobody can clean the house, dishes, etc., like she can so if her kids or husband help out and wash dishes, or clean the counters, floor, it won't be done to her liking and standards. Either that or she has major have control issues and things must be done her way when she wants it done.

 

Getting a cleaning lady once a week would be helpful, this way the rest of the family can clean as they go (less grime and deep cleaning can happen), declutter on a daily basis so it doesn't pile up.

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Boundaries. You have kids perfectly capable of helping, my brother and I managed ours without being told at 13 or so, without anything more than a list. Laundry, dishes, floor. One thing a day for 20 minutes, with 4 kids would equal over 9 hours worth of help every week.

 

And a maid is cheaper than a divorce attorney.

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Also, this is you translating what he is saying. You need him to really clarify what "everything in his life" means to him.

 

It isn't just you - although that may be a part of it. The global picture is that this new life that he has started isn't what he was planning and may not see any ways to change towards something else. But without open and honest communication, you CANNOT fix things for him if he doesn't open up.

 

You might be able to fix things together, but only if you are both brutally honest and are both willing to make changes.

 

 

Translating what he was saying turned out to be incorrect..

He says that the reason he's so unhappy is because he doesn't have as much time with me as he wants... So maybe we're getting somewhere.

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Translating what he was saying turned out to be incorrect..

He says that the reason he's so unhappy is because he doesn't have as much time with me as he wants... So maybe we're getting somewhere.

 

So stop cleaning so much and set aside time to get connected with him.

 

Your kids still need to learn to do dishes, laundry and to cook for themselves. Better to teach them while they live at home. Give them each one night a week where they plan for it by getting the groceries and prepare the meal then they do the dishes on that night. Their laundry should be done by themselves once a week too, to establish good habits for themselves.

 

This should give you time to spend with your husband.

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evanescentworld

You do realise, don't you, shivat, that by doing everything for your kids, at an age when they should have been doing this themselves for many years now, that you are in effect DISabling them, for adulthood?

 

By not giving them responsibility for certain tasks they should be doing, you have actually deprived them of the impetus to be as 'houseproud' as you are.

 

In years to come, you may visit their homes and families and find the place a shambles.

 

And sadly, you will have been partly responsible for that...

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And hire a maid to help with the housework; it will leave more time for you two.

 

AND get rid of those four stupid dogs. Take every minute you waste on the dogs and spend it on hubby.

 

life in your house must be likea filthy noisy hell with 4 dogs in there

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evanescentworld
AND get rid of those four stupid dogs. Take every minute you waste on the dogs and spend it on hubby.

 

life in your house must be likea filthy noisy hell with 4 dogs in there

 

To be honest, in a competition between dogs, kids and the husband, I am convinced it would be me and the dogs....

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Translating what he was saying turned out to be incorrect..

He says that the reason he's so unhappy is because he doesn't have as much time with me as he wants... So maybe we're getting somewhere.

 

So sitting around playing video games, eating dinner in another room and not interacting with his family is him making time to be with you, right? What he really means is that he's not getting his way and you're believing this BS. Sorry, I still say this guy is a spoiled child and that's not likely to change.

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