Sadbird Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) I was divorced and got married again. My problem is my wife wants me to leave my past( my daughter ) She says, if I am paralyzed, she will take care of me, not my daughter. She says seeing my daughter is like cheating. She justifies it by saying, it's similar to her seeing her ex boyfriend. I don't want another divorce. It will be my second one. Should we divorce each other ? She and I don't want it. Also I gave her my word, I will never leave her till death. Edited January 21, 2015 by Sadbird Link to post Share on other sites
changchewsoon Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 This is one of the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard, your daughter is also part of you. If she truly loves you, she will not ask you to do such a cruel thing. She doesn't know the meaning of true love, no she doesn't. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Comparing daughter to an ex lover? Is she off her meds or something? Are you to put up with that??? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I sense jealously in the air =0/ she need(s) to realize things happen prior a to marriage in another relationship ( if there was a child, a pet, etc ... ) just need to sit down with her in having a serious conversation or/ and counseling may be needed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Thats totally unreasonable and she has no right to demand that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) I'm going to do something I typically avoid and 'assume' this request has just recently surfaced. I have several "IF's." If she has a problem with your daughter, then she should have discussed her concern prior to saying, "I do." I can only assume she feels some sort of threat by the relationship you have with your daughter. Sure, she is a connection to the past, but she is part of you. Anybody who turns their back on their child because another person tells them to do so is not much of a person. Are you truly going to be bullied into cutting ties with your daughter? I don't want to offend you, but your wife needs counseling if she believes that having contact with your daughter is similar to cheating, and if you bend to her will, then you should probably get some counseling too. If this is something that has recently surfaced, either something has happened to cause her to feel threatened, OR she has major insecurity issues. You can't allow her insecurities to dictate your life. I have a dominant, strong personality, but I have no desire to dictate who my husband can and can not have contact with. If I attempted such manipulation, and he caved, frankly I'd lose respect for him. If something has recently happened that has caused you wife to feel some sort of threat, then I suggest you get to heart of the matter and rectify the situation. She shouldn't feel threatened or like a third wheel. If that is the case, then you should have a heart to heart with your daughter. (This is assuming your daughter is a teenager/young adult. Knowing the age of your daughter would possibly be beneficial in trying to form an assessment.) Edited January 21, 2015 by Methodical 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Was this something she brought up prior to marriage? How long did you two date? No, I don't think it is reasonable or appropriate to ask that unless the daughter was such a negative impact on the partnership (severe and long term drug addiction comes to mind). But I would never ask my husband to ignore or severe his relationship with his kids. That just wouldn't even cross my mind. I married him knowing he had children and knowing they were one whole package. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 No.You have a child and you have a moral and legal responsibility to your child. Period. Is she on meds? Because, seriously, equating you seeing your own child with cheating sounds like some kind of mental illness or extreme immaturity. So, ask her this... If you two had a child together and then divorced would she think it appropriate for you to abandon your child with her if you were to remarry? If you really want to make this work and be a father to your child you need to get your wife into marriage counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Go for number two. Anybody who wants you to end contact with your own child needs to be removed from your life. I would not give her an iota of a chance to explain herself. Divorce this awful person. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I wouldn't even entertain this bullsh*t for a second. How f*cked up does a person have to be to ask anyone to cut their children out of their life absent some spectacularly bad abusive behavior on the part of adult children? Too f*cked up for me, that's for sure, and this should be for you, too. You don't want to get divorced? Fine. Tell your wife you'll do anything reasonably possible to help her work through her issues, including getting her into counseling. But also tell her that if she ever asks you to choose between your marriage and your daughter again, that she won't like the choice you make. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I wouldn't even entertain this bullsh*t for a second. How f*cked up does a person have to be to ask anyone to cut their children out of their life absent some spectacularly bad abusive behavior on the part of adult children? Too f*cked up for me, that's for sure, and this should be for you, too. You don't want to get divorced? Fine. Tell your wife you'll do anything reasonably possible to help her work through her issues, including getting her into counseling. But also tell her that if she ever asks you to choose between your marriage and your daughter again, that she won't like the choice you make. My question is how f*cked are YOU OP to even consider abandoning your daughter as an option above divorcing this insane woman you married? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 My question is how f*cked are YOU OP to even consider abandoning your daughter as an option above divorcing this insane woman you married? I thought the same thing. Ditch the child because a second divorce would look worse? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tocook Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Not that this is any excuse for your wife's selfish demands but does your daughter have special needs? How old is your daughter? How often do you, and your wife, see her? Your wife sounds like she is still hung up on your "past", not just your daughter. That's an issue you should discuss with her. A comparison between her ex lover and your daughter Makes no sense. She f'd her ex lover versus your daughter who is your flesh and blood. No comparison, she's being unreasonable. Why are you contemplating her demand? Aside from what your wife wants, do you also want to cut off contact with your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadbird Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 She has no special needs, my wife said, if she had special needs she would have been ok. I want to have a relationship with my daughter. At the same time, her mom takes good care of her. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 She has no special needs, my wife said, if she had special needs she would have been ok. I want to have a relationship with my daughter. At the same time, her mom takes good care of her. Are you seriously entertaining this? Your wife is totally out of line for asking this of you and frankly you suggesting all will be well because your ex-wife is a good mother makes me seriously question your judgement. Children are non-negotiable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Your child is your child, and this woman knew you had a child before she married you. I would take abandoning your daughter OFF the table of consideration. If your wife doesn't get that, then SHE needs to be the past you leave behind. I cannot imagine any woman having this attitude unless something is wrong with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I have never heard such utter nonsense. What kind of woman is your wife honestly. This sounds like extreme jealousy and I would be afraid of a woman like this. There have been cases where a step parent has harmed and murdered their stepchild through jealousy. Any man who said this to me, if I got divorced and remarried would be an X like yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Either you are leaving some stuff out of your story, or the woman is completely wacko. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tocook Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 What is it about your relationship with your daughter that your wife finds threatening? How often you see her? Is your ex always there when you see your daughter? It's great that your ex is a good mother. But she will never be able to be a good father to your daughter. And neither will a stepfather, if the future calls for it. You have to understand that a father-daughter relationship is irreplaceable. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to be wondering what she did wrong to drive away her father. And i know you don't want to miss sharing that bond. What your wife is asking is extremely selfish. IMO, is unfathomable for a father to willingly give up his child. Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Are you paralyzed and your wife is your new caretaker? If so, I def see the Caregiver dynamic and potential guilt at play. You want to seem grateful for what she does without being a burden, both to your partner/caregiver....How paralyzed are you? Would she then be fully in charge of guardianship of your daughter when she's with you? How old is your daughter? Does she understand the situation? Do you feel like a burden to your daughter too, almost like she'd be better off with an AB parent only? How does your ex feel about all this? Edited January 22, 2015 by EverySunset Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I would have some choice words to my wife, as I thru her and her crap out the door, about my daughter if I was in your position. Don't take that sort of bull from ANYONE. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I have my doubts about the legitimacy of this question. Certainly two people who were planning on getting married didn't wait until after that marriage to have a discussion about one partner's daughter. If this is legitimate then I would call a marriage/family therapist immediately and make an appointment for the both of you. Your child is your child no matter who takes care of you if you end up paralyzed. Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Whether or not this question is legit I have no doubt this situation occurs as my dad's ex tried to to this to me. She eventually banned me from their house and my idiot father still stayed with her for many more years. It was the worst betrayal and while my dad and I are fine now this post stirred up a lot of negative feelings. OP you don't seem to give two sh*ts about your poor daughter but hopefully my dad's experience can resonate with your self-involved hide: once his ex isolated him from everyone who genuinely cared about him she proceeded to make his life miserable. She had control and she knew it, by the end it could very well have been abusive. Your wife sounds like she's on a similar trajectory so think long and hard about what you want your future to look like. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) Your wife is completely, 100% INSANE. Whether you want a divorce or not, you need one....and fast. And, guess what. No one WANTS a divorce. They GET a divorce because being with that person is no longer healthy, for whatever reason. Great rule of thumb -- do not EVER marry anyone who doesn't fully embrace your child/children. And anyone who compares a relationship with a child to an ex bf is beyond idiotic. Not only that, your wife will destroy your relationship with your daughter. Cut out the cancer and move on! Edited January 23, 2015 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I was divorced and got married again. My problem is my wife wants me to leave my past( my daughter ) She says, if I am paralyzed, she will take care of me, not my daughter. She says seeing my daughter is like cheating. She justifies it by saying, it's similar to her seeing her ex boyfriend. I don't want another divorce. It will be my second one. Should we divorce each other ? She and I don't want it. Also I gave her my word, I will never leave her till death. Why on earth did you marry her? Did you know how she felt about your daughter? Divorce her. Or at least for now separate until your wife wakes up. Your daughter IS package deal and your wife has to get to know her, accept her in your life. For your wife to say that stuff is just awful and shame on her! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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