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Is our relationship savable?


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betrayedninja

Hi all, I am having some issues with my relationship and its at the stage now where I think its in the process of dying if it hasn’t already.

 

A bit of background first. We have been together 14 years now, previous to this I had never even as much as kissed a girl let alone anything else. I suffer social anxiety so have issues talking to the opposite sex. She is very shy, she is 5 years older than me and hasn’t had much luck in the past either, we got set up by mutual friends, I don’t think it was love at first site but I think we were both in the position where beggars can’t be choosers and the rest is history I guess.

 

We are engaged now and have 3 kids however things are far from rosey. Sex is pretty much non existent, how we had 3 kids I will never know and when it does its a get it over as quickly as possible job, there is no passion, no love. If I am honest I don’t think either of us is really attracted to the other which would explain the lack of sex, we don’t even sleep in the same bed any more. For the past year she has slept with our son, he used to come in during the night so she just decided to stay in with him.

 

Then we are on to things like family, I am an only child while she has 6 siblings and they are all very close, they look down their nose at me, they think I am not good enough for her, at family events they all stick together like a pack of wolves while I am left myself in the corner and if I dare say anything I am the worst in the world. What makes this worse is she is stuck with them every day, can’t go 1 day without seeing them. We’ve been engaged 10 years, I think the reason we are not married is her family have talked her out of it, she never mentions getting married any more and when I do the subject is quickly changed.

 

If I am honest I think the only thing keeping us together is our kids and the fact neither of us think we’d ever be able to get anyone else. Is our relationship saveable

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It's possible to salvage the relationship, but I don't think you could go it alone. Have you considered counseling? Perhaps if you told her how you feel she'd be willing to work it out together with a therapist.

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Ninjainpajamas

Nothing wrong with this almost marriage according to the "normal" standards of society and expectations....some people even see marriage as forever regardless of the quality of it, the piece of paper and principle is of utmost importance.

 

If you're hoping it will become an official "marriage" even though you're already living one, then simply ask her to marry you...propose, then you can make magical wishes that you want to come true through the infinite powers of hope and positive thinking...since those always work.

 

Otherwise in a practical sense, can things be changed? Chances are high it cannot...I meant it's been 14 years dude, what's supposed to happen by now? and what have you been doing this entire time in your relationship?

 

I think you've been avoiding the elephant in the room because you both know what this is and talking about it will just bring the possible conclusion that things should end, an uncomfortable conversation indeed ...because it's pretty clear you don't share a strong bond or love.

 

You're like many people, in a relationship out of comfort and the fear of moving on. It's your safety net now....no matter how crappy it is, it's all you know or remember by now.

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betrayedninja
Nothing wrong with this almost marriage according to the "normal" standards of society and expectations....some people even see marriage as forever regardless of the quality of it, the piece of paper and principle is of utmost importance.

 

If you're hoping it will become an official "marriage" even though you're already living one, then simply ask her to marry you...propose, then you can make magical wishes that you want to come true through the infinite powers of hope and positive thinking...since those always work.

 

Otherwise in a practical sense, can things be changed? Chances are high it cannot...I meant it's been 14 years dude, what's supposed to happen by now? and what have you been doing this entire time in your relationship?

 

I think you've been avoiding the elephant in the room because you both know what this is and talking about it will just bring the possible conclusion that things should end, an uncomfortable conversation indeed ...because it's pretty clear you don't share a strong bond or love.

 

You're like many people, in a relationship out of comfort and the fear of moving on. It's your safety net now....no matter how crappy it is, it's all you know or remember by now.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head to be honest. Is it possible to sustain this? So you think this sort of situation is a common thing? If we did spit now things have changed so much, my friends are all settled down, how would I meet someone else? I think what scares me is the fact I know she could meet someone else tomorrow, the dating game is so much easier for women.

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Ninjainpajamas
I think you've hit the nail on the head to be honest. Is it possible to sustain this? So you think this sort of situation is a common thing? If we did spit now things have changed so much, my friends are all settled down, how would I meet someone else? I think what scares me is the fact I know she could meet someone else tomorrow, the dating game is so much easier for women.

 

Yeah...it'll sustain at least until the situation is sustainable...usually until all the kids are older and grown up, that's when things back to the "relationship" instead of the kids/family unit, and people spent all their time and energy just providing for their kids, they never really thought about themselves and what they wanted.

 

So the main question is, what do you want?

 

But if this is the way it is and that's the way you've accepted it to be, then I would just continue on the way things are, they likely won't change a whole lot, people can live like this for years and years...don't ask me what keeps em going, but probably the kids more than anything else again.

 

If you split now then you just have to take the chance...yeah, women have it much easier in the dating world because although they might not have the greatest options they nearly always have options, whereas for men you can live your life as practically a ghost.

 

But there's no guarantees she will meet someone else and you won't. I mean, it's up to you and your effort. You'd have to get yourself back into dating shape, physically, mentally, emotionally and that takes time.

 

Or you could do what a lot of people do and just jump right into another marriage for security sake and just do it all over again with someone else...I mean if you've been living like this for 14 years, can't be much worse with someone new, and if it's at all "good", which it will be, oh boy you won't be able to contain yourself.

 

I think you just got to push your fears and insecurities aside and decide that if this is what you really want then this has got to be your choice, and make the right choice for yourself and your own happiness, you don't have to like this like so many others, especially when what keeps people in these situations is more fear based than it is about love.

 

You'll also have to be prepared for being blamed for everything under the sun if you leave....breaking up the family, being selfish, yadda yadda. You really have to believe in yourself and what you want, but who knows maybe some people will surprise you and support you in the process too.

 

You've just got to make up your mind, if you're undecided I think you're just going to rock the boat for no reason. I wouldn't express any of this to your GF in the meantime, not that you probably communicate anyway. But if she starts getting suspicious she might switch into a different mode...maximum security mode basically...highest terror alert or code orange...just be careful with what you say, women will make you pay for it and never let it go.

 

Get yourself in the process first independently before you stir the pot.

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It's salvageable if you two are two peas in a pod, but why would you want to???

 

You can maintain the status quo as long as neither of you lifts a finger to change anything, but why would you want to stay in that arraingment??

 

You both can agree to be involved, supportive, loving coparents from two different homes and each of you move on with your lives and both of you find happiness.

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Also I doubt if her family actively dislike you or think you are a bad person, but they do have a point in that you two aren't "right" for each other.

 

They surely know how disconnected and uninterested in each other you two are and of course they would hope for her to find someone that loves her and is devoted to her and someone that she would feel the same for.

 

If you two were to dissolve things fairly, cooperatively and amicably, they would likely not begrudge you or hold any kind of contempt towards you.

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eye of the storm

If you both want a better relationship, yes it is salvageable. If only one of you wants a better relationship, no it is not.

 

Talk to her and ask her some deep hard questions.

 

*do you love me

*do you want to be with me

*do you want our relationship to be better than this

*are you happy with how things are now

 

then the questions can go on (depending on the answers) to counseling or splitting up.

 

Just please remember and both of you constantly affirm, this is your children's other parent. Treat each other with respect and you will both be ensuring your children's emotional health.

 

Don't get bogged down with you dating or her dating. Deal with what is in front of you.

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betrayedninja

Right thought I would update this after some more happenings over the weekend. Her Grand Mother died on Friday. At the wake Friday night everyone was in couples as the body came home, everyone was crying etc including her, she didn't want to be anywhere near me, same at the funeral, all in couples, she wasn't to worried as I came walking behind trying to organise the kids.

 

At the burial I finally managed to catch up with her, she was crying so I tried to comfort her by taking her hand, she pulled away and moments later took her brothers hand.

 

I hadn't seen her all weekend really as I'd been at home with the kids, I thought tonight we could spend some time but no of she went to her mother's, she's of there again tomorrow night. I thought I'd organise a date night for sat night as it's been almost a year since we went out, I got my mother to baby sit, doesn't want to go.

 

That's what you're up against, my patience is wearing thin pussy footing around her, I will be honest I am tempted to tell her where to go but obviously would be bad timing at the moment.

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So what are you waiting for? Someone else to pronounce this relationship dead and to give you blessing to move on with your life???

 

 

People divorce every day for far less than this and you two have never even bothered to get married in the first place.

 

Why does she even want you around? To be her servant??? What are you getting out of this?

 

It doesn't sound like you two fight or have any bad blood between you. I see no reason to "tell her where to go." This is about you, if you want to go somewhere, just pack up and go there. As long as there is a fair and reasonable division of joint property and assets and a fair and reasonable plan for raising the children, I don't think she's going to fight you on anything.

 

My recommendation is start working with a family law attorney and draw up a fair, reasonable and equitable dissolution plan. Then start looking for a new place and start getting your financials and other affairs in order.

 

And then when you have all your ducks in a row and your attorney is confident that all of the papers and proposals are in place with all the 'T's crossed and 'I's dotted, call her in for a meeting with you and your attorney and present her with the dissolution plan.

 

She will need to take the papers to her attorney and have them reviewed of course, but if you worked in good faith to make them fair and reasonable, she probably won't fight it.

 

She has to be as dissatisfied and ambivalent as you. The only thing she will be concerned with is losing her servant and errand boy but as long as she knows the children will be provided for and taken care of and as long as she knows you won't try to take her to the cleaners or anything, she will probably be very cooperative and amicable.

 

There is no passion, drama or emotion in your relationship now. There is no reason to expect passion, drama or emotion in your dissolution. Your break up is going to be as lackluster and passionless as your 'relationship.'

 

It's time to turn the page and move on to the next chapter of your life.

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A bit of background first. We have been together 14 years now, previous to this I had never even as much as kissed a girl let alone anything else. I suffer social anxiety so have issues talking to the opposite sex. She is very shy, she is 5 years older than me and hasn’t had much luck in the past either, we got set up by mutual friends, I don’t think it was love at first site but I think we were both in the position where beggars can’t be choosers and the rest is history I guess.

 

If I am honest I don’t think either of us is really attracted to the other which would explain the lack of sex, we don’t even sleep in the same bed any more.

 

 

 

If I am honest I think the only thing keeping us together is our kids and the fact neither of us think we’d ever be able to get anyone else.

 

 

These statements above are what is actually holding you back from moving on and finding happiness in your life. This is actually the only thing keeping you in the R. The kids aren't actually keeping you there because you can coparent from two different houses just as well as you can from one dysfunctional and loveless one. You are using the kids as an excuse to languish.

 

The real reason you haven't left years ago is way deep down you feel that this was your one and only chance at love and if you walk away from this, you will be condemning yourself to a life of loneliness and isolation only to die alone alone in a one room crappy apartment on skid row getting eaten by your cats.

 

This is a fallacy and false prophecy. You may have been a socially awkward virgin 14 years ago and you may have had a hard time attracting girls. But that was 14 years ago and you are a different person today and the girls are now adult women that are completely different than they were 14 years ago also.

 

You (and the women) have a whole different set of interpersonal and social skills and a whole new set of life skills, talents and abilities now. You may still not be the life of the party and you may never be an international playboy, but you have developed more relationship and family living skills than what you had 14 years ago.

 

You may also still have some self esteem issues from living with her and her family all these years and you may need some therapy to develop some of your positive traits and characteristics a little more, but there is a whole world out there. You just need to get out of your current dungeon to see it.

 

Getting away from her and getting your place, doing some of your interests, getting away from her family, getting a little therapy for your issues and taking charge of your own life will turn you into a whole different person and give young whole new lease on life.

 

Once you get out and start enjoying yourself again, there is a realistic possibility of meeting someone that you are actually compatible with and have a mutual chemistry and appreciation with.

 

Currently you are just plain stuck. You are basically sitting in purgatory.

 

Your R can't be fixed because it was never good or healthy to begin with. You both just accepted it because you didn't have any other offers on the table at the time. The ball was dropped when you stopped trying. You can pick up the ball and try moving forward with it again.

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Lordy. For the life of me, I can't imagine why you would be thinking of suggesting a date night. Just drop it, my friend, and drop her. Who cares about timing when she has no problem treating you in such a way. Sheez. I'm single and I honestly love it. And it's for reasons just like you describe. I don't have to deal with any crap from anyone. And the more I see and hear about couples, the more I know how lucky I am. You fear being alone but you somehow brave the storm of this Cold War relationship you're in.

 

And, in case you hadn't noticed, your kids are for life. So, do you really think that you'll always be alone? And is it really the worst thing that could happen?

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you had three kids with this woman, and never thought of marrying her in between? don't you think that is pretty odd behavior on you part? AND, you never heard of this thing called birth control?

 

 

well you bought the whole cow, instead of just the milk it produced. Now you have to feed and house it! so buckle down.

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