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Recently married and insinuation of threesome ALREADY


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I don't know if I'm over reacting, maybe I am, heck I hope I am! We have been married less than six months, together two years. I was watching a YouTube video on "polamory" which is something I had not heard of. He looked it up. I found it interesting, the type of interesting like watching how people in wheelchairs function (it's hard) and also interesting like a documentary on insects, etc. That's it. Not that I ACTIVELY wanted to do it or even had ANY interest in it other than it was passing the time. We had NEVER expressed interest in others while dating / going out. Well, he has mentioned it about 50x since. We had a conversation about it, and over the course of 2-3 hours, I repeatedly (>10x) said that I was NOT interested in it. If another woman was involved, I would be done. Even if another man was involved, I'm not into it because I love HIM and only HIM and would only want to have sex with HIM.

 

 

Of course his answer was not the same, and that hurt me. However, a caveat was that he said he would ONLY be interested if I was present / involved. Does that make it better?? He finally saw that I was hurt by his answer and has continually re assured me that he loves me and only wants to have sex with me.

 

 

But after hearing him say he'd want to bang another chick ("if I was there"), does he really love me and does he REALLY only want to have sex with me?? Clearly not. At this point when he says those things they are just empty words to me. I have never been insecure. I have trusted him completely before, 100%, despite him cheating in the past (not on me, but in another relationship that he was open about). Now there are doubts in my mind about what he wants, what is he doing, where he is at. THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. I don't want to suppress a fantasy he has, however I am not into this and never will be. I told him if I knew of this before we were married, it might have changed things (we at LEAST would have TALKED about it and the ramifications on our future). I have in my head that if it's something he wants, he will go after it at some point.

 

 

Maybe I'm over reacting. I have no idea. I just wish once I said that I loved him and only him and would only have sex with him, he would have quickly agreed the same to me and the convo would be done. The problem was it kept going on and on and on and on because in the end I think it's something he would really want and act on one day.

 

 

I can't believe this.

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eye of the storm

Its a common fantasy. But the issue is you told him it was off the table and he still kept putting it back on the table.

 

You two need to have an open talk about boundaries and expectations. What is ok/what is not.

 

Maybe a tune up with a marriage counselor so you both can get your feelings out in a regulated environment.

 

good luck

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Fantasy is one thing.

 

The fact that he keeps mentioning it (50 times) is a problem in my mind.

 

He's ignorant to the fact that it hurts and scares you and that tells me he's not considering your feelings.

 

You need to not beat around the bush with this one.

 

He needs to hear and accept how you feel about it. Your position isn't changing. Poly relationships aren't fanstasies. They are relationships.

 

Threesomes are fantasies.

 

Stand tall in your beliefs. Sounds like maybe he "Truly" wants something very different than a traditional marriage.

 

Better to find out now when there are no kids involved.

 

Good luck.

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Fantasies are one thing. This onesie common to both men and women. But not all fantasies are made to be acted out on.

And he has probably no idea what he is actually talking about because if he did he would know that in any form of non monogamy all power is with the women.

My guess is because he is thinking with his penis instead of his brain is that of you actually said OK but his little threesome would be two men and you instead of two women and him, he probably crap in his pants from fear of you liking it .

For any men out there reading this and trying to pressure your wife or girlfriend into swinging or polyamory, you better be careful . You are opening up a can of worms that you may regret.

Your husband needs to do some reading and therapy to see if he really wants to be heading you in this direction . And after such a short time married that is not good.

I'd also make sure that he does not already have someone in mind.

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I guess most men have the fantasy of a threesome, but the difference is that most men wouldn't act on it and wouldn't suggest it to their wife/girlfriend. The problem here is indeed that your husband doesn't seem to care much about your feelings instead he keeps bringing it up, hoping you will change your mind, which is not okay.

 

You need to have a serious talk with him. Make it clear to him for a last time that you don't wanna do that and that you won't change your mind. If a threesome is something he really wants and can't accept he won't get it, then he will loose you. He has the choice.

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I have experience with swinging and 3somes and such so I will have a slightly different perspective although I am agreeing with much of what the other posters are saying.

 

 

Here are my thoughts from the perspective of someone who has practiced it as an actual lifestyle and have seen the good, the bad and the ugly from that lifestyle.

 

 

If he finally got your message and has dropped it and doesn't do anything about it anymore then it's ok. All men fantasize about being with two women and would be ok with doing it as long as their partner is ok with it.

 

 

And yes it does matter that he said he would only want to do it if you were involved. 3somes/swinging/polyamory etc is intra-marital sex not extra-marital sex. It is something that people do together as a couple as part of the sexual dynamics of their marriage. It's 100% different than cheating or infidelity etc and cannot be compared to such. So it is a good sign that he said he'd only be interested in it if you were involved.

 

 

If he lets it go and doesn't do anything more about it, you are fine. Where you will have a problem is if one of the following starts to occur -

 

 

- he doesn't let it go and continues to bring it up.

 

 

- he pressures you into doing it even though you have expressed it is not an option.

 

 

- he insinuates or expressly threatens to pick up other women - sbehind your back and do it anyway if you don't agree to do it voluntarily.

 

 

- starts signing up on swinger websites or hook up sites or cheating sites.

 

 

- starts hitting on your friends or encourages/pressures you to invite your friends into your bedroom.

 

 

- starts bringing home other women to meet you and get your blessing to bring into your marital bed.

 

 

- loses connection with you and loses interest in you and delves into alternative lifestyles and starts to leave you behind.

 

 

- seems to hold a grudge and be bitter towards you because you don't want to pursue this and are holding him back.

 

 

- starts bringing home alternative lifestyle literature to try to "educate" you and show you it is an ok path to pursue.

 

 

-starts booking trips swinger clubs, resorts, vacation packages etc.

 

 

Bottom line is if he lets it go at this point and life goes as usual, then no harm is done and all is well. If any of things I listed above occur, then you have an issue that will need to be addressed in a serious manner.

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I have experience with swinging and 3somes and such so I will have a slightly different perspective although I am agreeing with much of what the other posters are saying.

 

 

Here are my thoughts from the perspective of someone who has practiced it as an actual lifestyle and have seen the good, the bad and the ugly from that lifestyle.

 

 

If he finally got your message and has dropped it and doesn't do anything about it anymore then it's ok. All men fantasize about being with two women and would be ok with doing it as long as their partner is ok with it.

 

 

And yes it does matter that he said he would only want to do it if you were involved. 3somes/swinging/polyamory etc is intra-marital sex not extra-marital sex. It is something that people do together as a couple as part of the sexual dynamics of their marriage. It's 100% different than cheating or infidelity etc and cannot be compared to such. So it is a good sign that he said he'd only be interested in it if you were involved.

 

 

If he lets it go and doesn't do anything more about it, you are fine. Where you will have a problem is if one of the following starts to occur -

 

 

- he doesn't let it go and continues to bring it up.

 

 

- he pressures you into doing it even though you have expressed it is not an option.

 

 

- he insinuates or expressly threatens to pick up other women - sbehind your back and do it anyway if you don't agree to do it voluntarily.

 

 

- starts signing up on swinger websites or hook up sites or cheating sites.

 

 

- starts hitting on your friends or encourages/pressures you to invite your friends into your bedroom.

 

 

- starts bringing home other women to meet you and get your blessing to bring into your marital bed.

 

 

- loses connection with you and loses interest in you and delves into alternative lifestyles and starts to leave you behind.

 

 

- seems to hold a grudge and be bitter towards you because you don't want to pursue this and are holding him back.

 

 

- starts bringing home alternative lifestyle literature to try to "educate" you and show you it is an ok path to pursue.

 

 

-starts booking trips swinger clubs, resorts, vacation packages etc.

 

 

Bottom line is if he lets it go at this point and life goes as usual, then no harm is done and all is well. If any of things I listed above occur, then you have an issue that will need to be addressed in a serious manner.

 

VERY clear post. Awesome.

 

I will add:

 

I know a few Polyamory relationships (I believe is different than swinging/threesome). I admire the amazing trust and communication that is shared amount all the partners. It seem to be much about the individual relationship. I would have a hard time, like you personally with this type lifestyle as it seems that it had much less to do with sex and all to do with love, commitment and intimacy. In the relationships I'm familiar with although they might hang out all together from time to time or share meals together daily both/all relationship are separate. Really, kind of like polygamy. Each relationship share special, unique and individual bonds that each partner knows of but not apart of. I could not handle this personally.

 

This is not a fantasy based lifestyle like swinging or threesomes are. It's unique, it is love, commitment and affection. Both partners must believe in this lifestyle and truly see the benefits to engaging it.

 

I would be less bothered if my H brought this up about the sex aspect than him wanting another relationship/commitment/bond with another woman and would be ok if I too wanted this with another Man/women.

 

We both have fantasized about threesomes and have communicated this (although for us its a fantasy strictly for the bedroom) the one thing we agreed that the third party would have to be random and just an experience. "Love" or even lust would be the dealbreaker (all in our heads) of course.

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The reply by old shirt was maybe one of the best I've ever seen!

NixonWatch wrote:

"But after hearing him say he'd want to bang another chick ("if I was there"), does he really love me and does he REALLY only want to have sex with me?? "

 

I think this a fundamental difference between many men and women. My wife has expressed repeatedly that she wants to have sex with me and only me and that if she didn't feel that way there would be a problem.

I've never felt that way about her or any woman I've been with but I do love her, love our relationship although it has it's challenges like any.

I despise monogamy and after 6 years of it, I hate the shackles that bind my sexuality. I do respect that currently monogamy is the best route for keeping our relationship stable, maintaining my wife's comfort in the relationship and belief in out bond, as well as raising a family and sustaining our mostly traditional family unit.

If I had to do it all over it wouldn't be under the same rules, sexual variety is important to me and giving it up shouldn't always be included in the standard marriage bargain.

I think my point is love and sex are not exclusive, don't let that idea define the strength and comfort of your relationship, I still love my wife, love having sex with her, and I still find her attractive but I'm always going to want to have sex with other women... Just not enough to do it behind her back.

 

There will always be people who believe love should exist that's so consuming it quells the desire to be with others, but I don't feel that way and neither do most of my male friends.

Find a way to maintain trust and allow him to feel how he wants to feel as long he does what he says he's going to do.

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I guess there are just fundamental differences between how a man feels and how a woman feels regarding sex. He has certainly not mentioned it again, because we did have THAT discussion.

To be honest, it was only that discussion where it was brought up, but DURING that discussion which lasted a few hours with breaks of work and whatnot in between, was when WE agreed it would not happen.

It's has been difficult for me to let it go, and honestly I have brought it up several times after because it has really baffled me, which didn't really contribute to progress on the subject.

 

 

I feel like if this was really what he wanted, I don't want to be the one to tell him he can't get what he wants. I told him if I knew this and you really really wanted this, I would not have married you because then you could have found someone else that would be into it and whatnot. He has told me only wants to be with me like a million times.

 

 

So basically I need to drop it.

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I guess there are just fundamental differences between how a man feels and how a woman feels regarding sex. He has certainly not mentioned it again, because we did have THAT discussion.

To be honest, it was only that discussion where it was brought up, but DURING that discussion which lasted a few hours with breaks of work and whatnot in between, was when WE agreed it would not happen.

It's has been difficult for me to let it go, and honestly I have brought it up several times after because it has really baffled me, which didn't really contribute to progress on the subject.

 

 

I feel like if this was really what he wanted, I don't want to be the one to tell him he can't get what he wants. I told him if I knew this and you really really wanted this, I would not have married you because then you could have found someone else that would be into it and whatnot. He has told me only wants to be with me like a million times.

 

 

So basically I need to drop it.

 

 

But you cannot drop it because he said it and you heard it.

Now you know what is it that he would like to do, but not on the risk of losing you. He is willing to say anything right now to have you drop the subject.

Also, if this is how things are now, think about how they will be in 7 years or after some time has passed...

I get why are you still thinking and worrying about it...

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I despise monogamy and after 6 years of it, I hate the shackles that bind my sexuality.

 

...There will always be people who believe love should exist that's so consuming it quells the desire to be with others, but I don't feel that way and neither do most of my male friends.

 

So how do you see this panning out long term? Your wife is on a hiding to nothing.

The fact that you use the word "despise" in relation to monogamy implies a pretty strong opinion on the subject.

Why on earth did you get married and let the poor woman delude herself?

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Some people - when they first hear about polyamory - think it's all about sex, all the time. They get caught in this fantasy that isn't real. Polyamory is about love relationships, and there may be no more sex than in most monogamous relationship. It's often the case that there are NO three-somes or more-somes going on - that is more often found in swinging.

 

 

As is often the case here, oldshirt has give a great perspective on the issue and a clear set of concerns to watch for.

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I feel like if this was really what he wanted, I don't want to be the one to tell him he can't get what he wants. I told him if I knew this and you really really wanted this, I would not have married you because then you could have found someone else that would be into it and whatnot. He has told me only wants to be with me like a million times.

 

 

So basically I need to drop it.

 

As mammals we all have deep animal instincts that make us want to gorge ourselves and eat everything in sight so the next famine doesn't kill us, we want to savagely rip those that offend us limb from limb, take everything that's not nailed down that we want and we also want fck everyone that catches our eye.

 

We have a thousand wants and desires and thoughts a day.

 

But as humans we can also make conscious, rational decisions. We make decisions based on what will be best for us in the long and based on how our actions will affect others.

 

ALL men want to screw every woman that is healthly and of fertile age. We don't act on those instincts because we know they are just instincts and that doing it will be detrimental to everyone including ourselves. We make a conscious decision to be with the one we love because is what will work for us best in the long term.

 

As many of us say all the time, actions speak louder than words. We are our actions, not our words.

 

As I wrote above, what he does will declare his true intentions. If he walks away from this and is not out trying to pick up chicks, not signing up on swinger sites and hook up sights, not trying to bring others in his/your bed, then that is the life he has chosen.

 

Don't condem him for some desires he can't help but is not acting on.

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....in other words, yes drop it if he drops it. If he starts pressuring you or starts trying to pick up chicks or something, then you have a problem. But if he drops it and let's it go, then you do the same.

 

You can't ask him to drop it and let it go, and then you dwell on it yourself.

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B]ALL[/b] men want to screw every woman that is healthly and of fertile age. We don't act on those instincts because we know they are just instincts and that doing it will be detrimental to everyone including ourselves. We make a conscious decision to be with the one we love because is what will work for us best in the long term.

 

 

 

I agree with everything you said minus this. Hell, I know plenty of men that only want to have sex with their girlfriend or wife. Many of them are good friends of mine. The reason they don't sleep with other women is not just 'It will hurt her' and 'The relationship won't work that way', but also say that they wouldn't WANT to sleep with another woman and have no desire to. Men (and women, by the way) are visual and like seeing beautiful people of the other gender (after all we're not dead only because we're in a relationship), but that doesn't mean we would like to have sex with as many individuals as we can.

 

It's the same for women by the way- I don't even have the desire to sleep with other men, even if I was allowed to and even if I knew it wouldn't change a thing. Female friends of mine see it differently and told me in the past things like that they're attracted to other men and it's hard for them to not cheat, but that they don't cheat because the relationship is too important to them.

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Shortly after I married my (ex) husband he asked me about any fantasises I may have had. Thinking this was a fun game I trusted him and shared. That began a 10 year agony for me. He never let it go. Kept finding different ways to keep the subject alive. Had an affair with someone who was game. Took intimate pics of me and submitted them to a swingers magazine (this was before the internet). I can't tell you how many times I TRULY ACCIDENTALLY came upon huge bags of porn (of course with one man and more than one woman).

I advise you to keep your eyes and ears open. Protect yourself. The callousness he has already exhibited is fair warning. So sorry you are experiencing this.

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him being so much into this at so early a time in your relationship is a little odd. it seems to be more the sort of thing where you have been married a decade, the sex has fallen off to almost nothing, and one of you wants to shake the tree with some new sex act and see what falls out--all in the hope of re-igniting the dormant married sex.

 

 

so, wanting to try it so soon after getting married, I wonder if he is maybe oversexed, watching too much porn, or if the married sex life is VERY vanilla flavored for him and not what he was expecting at all. are there lots of different sex acts he is asking you for, and you are refusing them all?

 

 

in any event, you should NOT feel forced into trying something you do not like. on the other hand, how can you decide if you like/dislike it if you dismiss it straight out of hand. role playing this out with him in the bedroom, with nobody else there, might reveal if it is at all a possibility for the future for the two of you.

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I agree with everything you said minus this. Hell, I know plenty of men that only want to have sex with their girlfriend or wife. Many of them are good friends of mine. The reason they don't sleep with other women is not just 'It will hurt her' and 'The relationship won't work that way', but also say that they wouldn't WANT to sleep with another woman and have no desire to. Men (and women, by the way) are visual and like seeing beautiful people of the other gender (after all we're not dead only because we're in a relationship), but that doesn't mean we would like to have sex with as many individuals as we can.

 

It's the same for women by the way- I don't even have the desire to sleep with other men, even if I was allowed to and even if I knew it wouldn't change a thing. Female friends of mine see it differently and told me in the past things like that they're attracted to other men and it's hard for them to not cheat, but that they don't cheat because the relationship is too important to them.

 

You're mixing a number of things together and glossing over some important items but two things stick out:

 

1). Your male "good friends" aren't being 100% honest with you.

 

2). Most guys have firm grasp on reality but that doesn't stop the occasional fantasy. That we have it doesn't mean we're tempted to act on it.

 

Mr. Lucky

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You're mixing a number of things together and glossing over some important items but two things stick out:

 

1). Your male "good friends" aren't being 100% honest with you.

 

2). Most guys have firm grasp on reality but that doesn't stop the occasional fantasy. That we have it doesn't mean we're tempted to act on it.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is correct.

 

 

Your friends aren't being 100% honest with you. They may be good guys and don't act on their desires, but they still have those desires nonetheless. They are just saying they don't have those desires to be nice and make you feel more comfortable.

 

 

#2 is correct as well. We all have desires and fantasies but know that many of those fantasies and best left in the fantasy world and not acted on in real life.

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