funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hi everyone, I hope you can give me some advice. My wife loves choir singing and singing in general. She's a member of 3 choirs and so has rehearsals once a week and all day Saturday once a month. There are also several competitions each year that then enter that involve her being away for the who weekend as well as the various parties that surround these competitions. When she started out with just one choir and only a few competitions she would invite me to some of these events but as choir music really isn't my thing I declined. Over the years though she seems to be spending more and more time with her choir friends and less and less time at home, with the kids and I, and barely any time out as a couple. She recently won a big competition and so the choir are hosting a party for her. There's then another, smaller, get together the following day that my wife wants to go to. (Both of these will involve over night stays) I've told her that I miss spending time with her and so would like to go to both of these with her but I've found out for a mutual friend that she doesn't want me there as she thinks I'll be miserable and ruin her nights. I really want to make the effort that I probably should have done years ago but I don't wont to upset her if I don't have fun. I also worry that she'll not involve me or abandon me. I'm tempted to ask her to come home the day after the big party and we can do something nice together with the kids and then go out as a couple in the evening. What do you think I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'm tempted to ask her to come home the day after the big party and we can do something nice together with the kids and then go out as a couple in the evening. What do you think I should do? That's a nice idea, and I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well it is a good and positive thing that your wife has a hobby she enjoys and gives her so much pleasure. The fact that you let her get on with it and have your own interests is also good. The problem is that she doesn't want you with her. By rights she should be pleased to have you watch her on the big events. The problem isn't the choir, it's the fact that she seems to want to spend as little time with you as possible. Worse that on a night out away, she wants to spend it without you and thinks you will spoil it for her. She is clearly choosing to separate from you emotionally and physically. If you don't mind me asking how's the sex life. I'm going to take a punt and say non-existent. I think you need to talk with her and talk about your concerns. Even suggest visiting relate to talk things through. It sounds to me like your marriage is in trouble. Hobbies are important, but to do them to avoid being with your husband or family is bad. The other thing to consider is infidelity. I'm not saying she is having an affair, but all that time away gives her opportunity. Any changes in behaviour, dressing up, happier, hiding phone. Again, I don't think this should be your first thought. But your wife clearly doesn't want to spend time with you and that is a very, very bad thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Since you haven't been engaged in this side of your wife's life at all, I think it's now high time that you try to show an interest and participate in the big party. If your wife truly doesn't want you there, she needs to have the balls to tell you that to your face and explain exactly why, because that could definitely point to a bigger problem in your relationship. But my guess is that she'll just swallow down her hesitations and let you come, and that it won't be the big deal or conflict that both of you are imagining. As for the second event, if it's very important to your wife maybe you need to just let her have that. It sounds like you shouldn't feel the need to get involved in that one. It's unlikely that you'll ever be fully immersed in this aspect of your wife's life, but you can still participate from a distance and show support. You don't want this side of her life to balloon into something so large and isolated that it threatens the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hi Jackslife On your first question: Our sex life has been fairly steady since we became parents over 7 years ago. Nothing spectacular but ok. Obviously have peaks and troughs (if you'll excuse the pun) but ok. Her behaviour hasn't changed much at all. She gets happy and excited when she has parties or choir events on but none of the other things you mention. I do occasionally worry about this but more in that she'd be happier with someone who shared her intrest in choir. Sort of why I want to make this effort. We've spoken before about needing to spend time together & have booked a weekend away but I think a lot of the problem I have with this party & after party is that it's sort of how we used to spend our time together before we had kids; Sitting chatting in the pub with music & friends, albeit mutual friends and different music. We never do that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hi Standard Fare Thanks for the advice. It's strange as I think I'd probably have more fun at the second, smaller event, than the first. (I've been invited to both) I may be making a mountain out of a molehill. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Then just talk to her then. Offload the children, go out for a meal and discuss your concerns. Don't say "i don't want you to do this" opt for a more, "i miss the time we spent together and want to do more with you". It's very easy in a marriage (especially when the children come along) to talk about everything except the relationship, feelings etc. Communication is key. if you are unhappy talk to your wife. She may not realise how upset this is making you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Asking her to miss one of the events being held in part to celebrate her is a sure way to make her angry. Since this is a big deal for her, put on your big boy pants, plaster a smile on your face & tell her you would be thrilled to accompany her to both parties because you genuinely want to celebrate her accomplishment. Go & be the proudest husband in the room. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 To me it sounds like the first event shouldn't be optional for you, since it's specifically a celebration in your wife's honor. You can't miss that. The second one, if you think you'd like to do that and your wife is OK with it, go for it. At this point you need to be showing up not only in support of your wife, but also to represent YOURSELF as her husband. It may start to seem strange (maybe it already has) to the people in this social scene that you're never showing your face. They'd assume either that your wife is hiding something or that you're an aloof jerk with zero interest in her talents. Maybe you won't become best friends with these people or have a ton in common, but you should be able to converse nicely and show that you're a decent guy who cares about his wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 It isn't so much that I don't want to go. I'm fully prepared go, and put in the effort to try and have fun. My issue is that my wife doesn't want me there, especially at the first party. If she genuinely wanted me there I wouldn't have been given a choice I'm most concerned that if do go it'll be against her true wishes; she admitted to this friend she only asked out of politeness but didn't want me there in case I was unable to hide my awkwardness or ruined her fun by wanting to talk to her all night. I would like to go, that feels like the right thing to do in everyone else's eyes, but I'm so worried that I end up upsetting her if my best efforts fail. You'd say it was worth the risk? Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Jackslife, Thanks for the advice. We have tried talking and she agreed that we don't spend enough time together as a couple or a family. These events were mostly just skirted. All she said about it was to make it seem less appealing. Especially the actual party on the Friday. I really don't want to ruin this for her by either her knowing I'm miserable alone or by being miserable with her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Assure her that you will be the model of decorum & then make sure she never sees you with a sour look on your face. While you are saying she doesn't want you there because she thinks you will ruin her good time by being unhappy two scenarios enter my mind: 1. In the past you have been badly behaved & ruined her fun at similar events, in which case I can understand her reluctance to have you attend now. or 2. She has a sweetheart, crush or worse that she doesn't want you to meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hi Donnivain I admit that I'm not good with social situations. I'm horribly shy and I get pretty self conscious. Weddings etc. I tend to find myself sitting alone minding the drinks while others dance. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I admit that I'm not good with social situations. I'm horribly shy and I get pretty self conscious. Weddings etc. I tend to find myself sitting alone minding the drinks while others dance. Here you just have to bask in her reflected glory. Seriously make a point to tell her how much you appreciate her trying to insulate you from a situation you normal would dread but that you want to make the sacrifice because you love her & are so very proud of her. She'll be thrilled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I hope you're right 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 really want to make the effort that I probably should have done years ago but I don't wont to upset her if I don't have fun. I also worry that she'll not involve me or abandon me. This is really the crux of it isn't it? In the past you weren't interested in something very dear to your wife, which probably stung, and if you did attend you again made it about you by making her babysit you. It's not great it's now at the point she doesn't want you there but you have the chance to turn it around. Maybe read up on techniques to manage shyness in social settings or commit to making a big effort to be social for your wife, at least to the point she doesn't feel she has to hold your hand at an event in her honour. I don't for one second think she's cheating, I'm sure it's just that she enjoys the crowd and festivities and probably feels she can be herself and really relax. Either way talk to her OP and let her know you want to try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hi Anderlie You're right that that is probably the root of this whole problem and I agree I need to make an effort but my concern is that if I go, against her wishes, and my best efforts aren't good enough that I'll ruin her fun. Is it selfish of me to want to take that risk? If I don't then at least it is only me that'll be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 To me it sounds like the first event shouldn't be optional for you, since it's specifically a celebration in your wife's honor. You can't miss that. The second one, if you think you'd like to do that and your wife is OK with it, go for it. At this point you need to be showing up not only in support of your wife, but also to represent YOURSELF as her husband. It may start to seem strange (maybe it already has) to the people in this social scene that you're never showing your face. They'd assume either that your wife is hiding something or that you're an aloof jerk with zero interest in her talents. Maybe you won't become best friends with these people or have a ton in common, but you should be able to converse nicely and show that you're a decent guy who cares about his wife. I agree with this. I also think that you should try to adopt some of the attitude of "if it's important to her, it's important to me." IMHO you should go to show support and appreciation and recognition of her accomplishments. Assure her that she does not need to babysit you or carry you and that you won't be a burden to her and that you will be there to support her and entertain yourself. That being said however, she is also somewhat obligated to introduce you to the people in her life and to introduce them to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 It isn't so much that I don't want to go. I'm fully prepared go, and put in the effort to try and have fun. My issue is that my wife doesn't want me there, especially at the first party. If she genuinely wanted me there I wouldn't have been given a choice I'm most concerned that if do go it'll be against her true wishes; she admitted to this friend she only asked out of politeness but didn't want me there in case I was unable to hide my awkwardness or ruined her fun by wanting to talk to her all night. I would like to go, that feels like the right thing to do in everyone else's eyes, but I'm so worried that I end up upsetting her if my best efforts fail. You'd say it was worth the risk? Again, if your wife truly doesn't want you there, she needs to be able to have a direct conversation with you about that and explain her reasoning. If she felt strongly enough about it, I imagine she would take that step. But my guess is that her feelings are more along the lines of mild discomfort/uneasiness, and she won't create a conflict out of it. So yes, even with the knowledge that she may not want you there, it's worth the risk. For all the reasons people have already mentioned in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 My wife loves choir singing and singing in general. She's a member of 3 choirs and so has rehearsals once a week and all day Saturday once a month. There are also several competitions each year that then enter that involve her being away for the who weekend as well as the various parties that surround these competitions. When she started out with just one choir and only a few competitions she would invite me to some of these events but as choir music really isn't my thing I declined. Over the years though she seems to be spending more and more time with her choir friends and less and less time at home, with the kids and I, and barely any time out as a couple. I wonder if there's some gender bias in the advice the OP is getting. Were he involved in some traditionally male activity - say hunting with his buddies - and this were his wife posting, would she be getting the same feedback ??? Or would she be told her husband needs to start acting like a married man? OP, how many days/nights per week is your wife involved in this (I'm confused by "3 choirs")? While you may need to be more supportive, she may certainly need to show more commitment to marriage and family. This isn't all on you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 So I spoke to my wife... She was fairly firm in her assertion that I would not enjoy the Friday night party. She also told me that I wanted to go for all the wrong reasons: she didn't need my support, she wouldn't get to spend time with me, she was just an excuse for a party & it would have happened regardless of her success, we'd already celebrated by taking her to dinner, the people there are incredibly dull if you don't share an interest in choir. She said the only reason I should go is if I genuinely felt I would have fun and she knows when I'm faking a smile. She also said she was rather I was miserable at home than pretending not to be miserable there. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 She said the only reason I should go is if I genuinely felt I would have fun and she knows when I'm faking a smile. She also said she was rather I was miserable at home than pretending not to be miserable there. Than you adopt a genuine smile and relish in her accomplishments and at being your wife. You have fun in honoring your wife for her talent and celebrate HER. Be by her side and show off how proud you are of her. That shouldn't be misery... Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hi Mr Lucky, She's at rehearsals once a night each week for choir A. Choirs B & C both both practice on the same Saturday once each month. There is also competitions every month that take up another weekend. Official things only take up 2 weekends and 4 nights each month. There are concerts and the like dotted about the calendar which can lead to between 0 and 6 more nights a month. (Usually no more than 3 most months, though usually weekends) Link to post Share on other sites
Author funnyusername Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Than you adopt a genuine smile and relish in her accomplishments and at being your wife. You have fun in honoring your wife for her talent and celebrate HER. Be by her side and show off how proud you are of her. That shouldn't be misery... Being by her side all night was also a big no. I genuinely smiled for the whole of October when she won and I'm still immensely proud of her but the fact remains that she's right in worrying that, when put into a room full of people whom I do not know & whom, my her assertion, have nothing in common with my need to hold on to what is familiar to me, her, or retreat to a corner by myself will defeat my attempts to have the fun she requires me to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I still think you should go. And I find it weird that your wife is insisting that you don't. It makes me wonder if more is going on here than she's letting on. Not suggesting she has a secret crush in the choir group or anything like that, but more like, she shouldn't be this controlling and secretive about this aspect of her life that's obviously evolved into something significant. It's fine for her to have her own thing, but it becomes strange if she puts in extra effort to prohibit you from participating. If I were you I'd tell her, "It's important to me that I go to this. I want your choir group to at least know who I am. I want to know a little more about this side of your life." And assure her that you'll be positive and sociable. If she continues to put up a fight, then, I don't know, I think it's getting unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
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