Emerald_11 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 last week my husband worked out of town all week and on Friday I was able to get off work early because he was expecting to be home early in the day. So I went home & waited for him. I was hoping to spend some time with him before our kids got out of school. I called him & got no answer. Then a few hours later he called back and said his phone was in his truck & he had stopped by a girls house to buy some pills from her- he sometimes buys pills (hydros) from her for his knee pain because he doesn't have insurance to get his own prescription. He also said he was helping her neighbor work on his truck & didn't realize his phone was in his truck. I was a little upset he didn't come see me first. I also told him it is totally weird that he stops by a girls house without me there.I have talked to him about this before. His co worker was with him that day and I believe what they say they were doing and nothing happened. My husband thinks I am overly jealous and wouldn't get upset if this girl was more unattractive. I know her and do not think anything bad about her. I told my husband I don't want him going to her house like that anymore because it is just not a good idea. One point I made was -what if someone sees you going into her house and thinks something is going on & that you are cheating on me?. Another point I made was this girl is single what if she starts getting a crush on you? He assures me he is not trying to cheat on me all he wanted was to buy pills. I believe him but want him to understand boundaries. I explained that if you don't want anyone to think you are cheating don't put yourself in a situation that looks like you are. He agreed to stop going to her house to pick up pills from her. He understands but seems to think I am being a crazy control freak or something..I told him I am just crazy for you & he liked that answer....but really I was just mad that my plan to get laid that day didn't work out the way I wanted it to. & when I found out he was at a girls house while not answering my calls I got upset. It frustrates me that he needs me to spell this out to him. Why would he think it is such an unreasonable request? & also why does he think it was ok in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Because you are being unreasonable. He did nothing wrong. He want to someone's house, bought pills and helped her neighbour fix his truck. Where is the problem with that? You're being jealous and controlling. You're blaming him for ruining your "special surprise" but how could he have known what you were planning? Is he psychic? He probably thought, well she won't be home anyway so there's no point rushing, I might as well pick up the pills and fix the truck instead. Now if she was his ex or if he lied about his whereabouts or if they have been exchanging inappropriate text messages, that would be a different matter entirely! But it all seems totally innocent to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Judging by the other thread you created, I think your friend's issues are seeping into your relationship and causing you to doubt your husband's boundaries. I replied on how you should handle that situation in your other thread. My best suggestion is talk to your husband. Clearly communicate that it makes you uncomfortable when he does that. Again, don't let your friend's issues affect your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 But it all seems totally innocent to me. Every emotional affair (EA) and physical affair (PA) almost always start off "totally innocent". Every person in a EA or PA presents the facts to their spouse as if it is "totally innocent". That is why people in healthy marriages discuss and establish opposite sex boundaries, which is what the OP was doing. Telling her husband that she was uncomfortable with the husband spending time alone with a single attractive women in her home was not out of line. Many reasonable people would establish such a martial boundary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 What if you go with him to buy pills? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Does your husband have a prescription medicine problem? You should never "need" to show a person where a healthy boundary is - they should naturally know what would hurt you, but he doesn't respect not honor that boundary. And he's mean if he doesn't acknowledge that he's hurting you by making you "wonder". I'd have a difficult time being with anyone that is that uncaring of my feelings. What are the other issues in your relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Every emotional affair (EA) and physical affair (PA) almost always start off "totally innocent". Every person in a EA or PA presents the facts to their spouse as if it is "totally innocent". Of course. But just because carrots are orange, does not mean all orange things are carrots. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I'm on your husband's side. No one but YOU is going to think he is having an affair with this woman if he is seen going to her house. You are just being crazy yes. That's just like a friend of mind where his GF won't let him go to the mall because girls are there....sounds stupid? so do you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Nothing wrong with what you have asked of your husband. He should have communicated to you whatbhenwas doing. However, if I remember right , you were crushing on someone in your class so maybe your concern over this had something to do with a little guilt. If you are not that person, I apologize. But if you were , why was it appropriate for you to flirt with a fellow in your class and not tell husband about every conversation . Regardless, if you are uncomfortable you have every right to say something and he needs to listen. That's called being married 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Emerald, I have read several of your posts here. This is my conclusion simply from your words. I may be totally off base and if I am I apologize. You, are very unhappy in your marriage. You and your husband don't agree on how to discipline your kids. He works too much. He has a drinking problem. Expects too much from you around the house with little to no help. You flirted with a guy from school and told your husband in my opinion to get a reaction out of your husband so that he would pay more attention to you. Then, you leave work early to surprise him and he is at another woman's house and you get your feelings hurt because once again he wasn't there to give you the attention you needed/wanted and here you are upset again. I think these are just surface issues to deeper seeded problems in your marriage. I think if you are honest with yourself you are extremely unhappy with your marriage as it is right now. I'm not even going to comment on him being at this woman's house. I am going to say, I believe that your marriage is in dire straights and is in desperate need of MC. The two of you are simply coexisting. I bet if he were honest, he isn't completely happy either. I hope that you two get the counseling needed to see if this marriage will survive. Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them happy. Good luck OP. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Every emotional affair (EA) and physical affair (PA) almost always start off "totally innocent". and it also requires deliberate intent on the part of the participants. Her husband said he's not interested. OP's problem is more what other people will think than her husband trustworthiness. You can't control what people want to think or what they will say. If you know what the truth is, it will win out in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 People who accuse are people who are guilty for their own actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 OP, aren't you the same person who before was talking about how she wanted to hook up with a co-worker? Yet here you are talking about your H's boundaries? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Of course. But just because carrots are orange, does not mean all orange things are carrots. Of course, but some of the time the orange thing is in fact a carrot, and that is what healthy marital boundaries are for. You are not against there being marital boundaries are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 and it also requires deliberate intent on the part of the participants. Actually, contrary to your statement that emotional affairs (EA) and physical affairs (PA) require "deliberate intent on the part of the participants" for them to get started, most participants have no such deliberate intent at the beginning. This is especially true of people in EAs. Her husband said he's not interested. Go to the infidelity section and see just how many cheaters say that to their spouse while in the middle of an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) Actually, contrary to your statement that emotional affairs (EA) and physical affairs (PA) require "deliberate intent on the part of the participants" for them to get started, most participants have no such deliberate intent at the beginning. This is especially true of people in EAs. IMO, that is not true. At some point, especially once the boundaries of intimacy have been approached, yes, those people DO make a conscious decision to go forward. They decide that it is good policy for them to open up intimately about their marital/relationship problems to this new party---otherwise, they keep their mouth shut and do not go in that direction. Go to the infidelity section and see just how many cheaters say that to their spouse while in the middle of an affair. Be that as it may, in THIS case, OP has stated that that isn't going on and her husband hasn't given her any reason to think that that is what he is doing. Her stated problem in this thread is what other people will think and the fact that her plans to get some afternoon sex out of him were thwarted because she didn't get ahold of him early enough to find out what his plans were for that afternoon. Edited January 8, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 You are not against there being marital boundaries are you? Of course, but that's totally a straw man argument and irrelevant to the topic at hand. I don't think the OP's husband has broken any boundaries here. Especially considering the OP's and her relationship history which has been brought to light in recent posts to this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I don't think any husband would like his wife to go into some attractive dude's house to "buy pills" and not answer calls 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Considering your other threads here - why do t you take action in your M to change things - since you're so unhappy in so many areas of the union? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 My husband doesn't always answers his phone.....I don't go chewing him out for it, nor do I expect an explination. I don't keep tabs on it, I trust him and he's an adult, he knows better, so I don't worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
patriciasex Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I have to disagree with most others here. When we are in a marriage or a genuine long term intimate relationship, the concerns and emotional well being of our partners is something we should care for. There is a delicate balance. People can use fears or insecurities to control others. So you cannot be led by this. But one partner spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex is so often used as a pretext for cheating it frankly shocks me that so many people are jumping on the "OP is insecure/controlling" bandwagon. No wonder things are so messy. Modern culture has evolved too quickly for humans to keep up. Our natural instincts are in conflict with modern sensibilities, religious beliefs, moral and ethical values, and social norms to such a degree that our heads are spinning. What a mess. OP. You are right to feel the way you do. It is all about how you handle it. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 There is still the little problem of "The OP has a thing for a co-worker" though. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 There is still the little problem of "The OP has a thing for a co-worker" though. And that her husband disrespects her and treats her like his maid. From her history he looks like he's cheating. But at this point we now also know he's a prescription drug junkie - look it up Emerald - it should be a HUGE concern for you and your family. What pills is he buying? What is YOUR boundary? When will you say enough of his crappy behavior is "enough"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Then a few hours later he called back and said his phone was in his truck & he had stopped by a girls house to buy some pills from her- he sometimes buys pills (hydros) from her for his knee pain because he doesn't have insurance to get his own prescription. Your husband is most likely participating in the distribution of a controlled substance, a felony in most states: "But unprescribed and unsupervised use of these controlled substances (and many others) is thought to present a danger to individuals and to society in general. So, for decades, lawmakers have stepped in to regulate the use, abuse, manufacture, and sale of illegal drugs. Though there is a longstanding federal strategy in place to combat the abuse and distribution of controlled substances, each state also has its own set of drug laws. One key difference between the two is that while the majority of federal drug convictions are obtained for trafficking, the majority of local and state arrests are made on charges of possession. Another difference between federal and state drug laws is the severity of consequences after a conviction. Federal drug charges generally carry harsher punishments and longer sentences. State arrests for simple possession (i.e. possession without intent to distribute the drug) tend to be charged as misdemeanors and usually involve probation, a short term in a local jail, or a fine -- depending on the criminal history and age of the person being charged." Were he to be arrested and charged, his attention to his phone would be the least of your problems. Why would you go along with this ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Since you dislike so many things about your H - why don't you divorce him? Link to post Share on other sites
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