Married to an adolescent

[Lillibet]

My husband's immaturity, passivity and lack of ambition is holding our family back and I don't know if it's time to move on or if something can be done to change things.

 

We've known each other since the age of 14. We were together for 3 years after finishing school but I got disillusioned with his lack of maturity and moved on. We met up again a few years later after my marriage ended, and he seemed to have grown up, at least enough to have a job and be independent. We got married 18 months later. We're now in our early 40s, have been married for 12 years and have three primary school aged children.

 

He has been with the same company for 15 years, after a friend gave him a job there. He works part time and doesn't earn enough to support the family. Full time work is not available and wouldn't pay enough anyway.

 

I feel like he's squandered all of his talent. He's very smart and was dux of our graduating high school year. He was admitted to a law/commerce double degree but managed to fail so many courses they kicked him out. He's gone back to university a few times but his only achievement has been to rack up a huge debt with nothing to show for it.

 

I look after the finances simply because he won't do it. I shop, cook, clean, and deal with everything the children need done. I also do most of the lawn mowing and all of the general maintenance around the house, once again because he won't. Arranging services or tradesmen, resolving conflicts, making appointments - all me. I make him pick the children up from school on the days he's home but if I hadn't told him he has to, he wouldn't even do that.

 

When he's not at work he spends his time playing Xbox games, sometimes up to 16 hours a day. He has a degenerative problem with his hip, which does cause him pain at times, but I think he uses it as an excuse to do nothing else but work and play games. His personal hygiene has declined to the point where I stopped kissing him a couple of years ago because I can never be sure what his breath will be like.

 

I've never been idle. I was a nurse but a back injury and three children close together put paid to that career. I've just graduated with a degree in another field and am looking for a job now. I know that once I find work I will be carrying a double load as he will make noises about 'helping' but won't actually do anything useful. Just the thought of working full time on top of everything I already do brings me to tears.

 

When I married him I thought he had grown up and would do whatever was necessary to help us get ahead. After our second child was born it became clear that all the 'ambition' he expressed was really just him nodding and saying 'yes dear' to shut me up. There's no reason he couldn't be working elsewhere, in a similar position that pays better, other than his lack of desire to do so.

 

This is not the life I expected to have. We should be doing well and providing a good future for our children. I never imagined that at our age now we would still be renting, in debt to both our parents, living week to week, and sleeping apart (mostly due to his snoring, but I don't offer sex and he doesn't ask, so that's become a once-a-year event). Yes, I can now work and earn a decent income, but alone I can never earn enough to make up for the wasted years. It will take both of us doing our best.

 

I've tried talking to him on many, many occasions. He nods and looks concerned, assures me that he'll do his best, then goes back to doing the same thing again, knowing that I can't maintain the pressure for long. He tells me he loves me, and if I really push he'll cry a bit. He makes me feel like a complete heel for expecting him to be the protector and provider I thought I was marrying.

 

If we didn't have children I would have left him (again) years ago. Now I hesitate because I'm not yet financially independent and the children and I wouldn't be any better off.

 

I don't know what to do. I'd rather find a way to make him step up than get divorced but there's a limit to how long I'm willing to hold on hoping for change.

[angel.eyes]

I'm sure you're incredibly frustrated. You've been married for twelve years, and he's always been like this. What has prompted you to consider divorce seriously now? Has something changed? Did something happen recently?

 

It would be helpful to know what prompted your recent change of heart.

[oldshirt]

It is possible for him to change and a few people have done it. The chances of him changing into the man you want him to be are basically nil and even if he does improve to a noticeable degree, his chances of relapse are great.

 

 

Here's the real kicker though, in order to make him make any appreciable improvement you will have to blow something up. The only thing that may possibly motivate him enough to step up is if you move out with the kids and file for divorce or have an affair with another man/men. Those are the only things that will get him off the couch and even that is questionable.

 

 

You are already sleeping in separate rooms and in a sexless marriage. That is enough to motivate most men into action but he seems ok with it so you will have to crank it up a few more notches. The only thing that will get him to change is if he truly realizes you have had enough and are out the door. however realize that some men are lazy enough that the peace and quiet of not having a woman around bitching and kids around whining and making messes actually sounds pretty good. Since he's not sexually motivated (my guess is other hours of the day he's not playing video games, he's spanking to porn) and doesn't seem to care that youre not sexually active, he will likely let you go.

 

 

Therefor my recommendation is start preparing to move on without him. Finish up your program. Search out the best job prospects for yourself and your children without him in mind. Start working with a divorce attorney to get a realistic grasp of what your post-divorce life will really look like and work with him/her to plan every step of your departure and divorce in a manner that will be fair and equitable enough that he won't fight it (he doesn't seem like the type that will put up much of a fight. He'll want it as quick, cheap and easy as possible) but yet will still be in your best interests.

 

 

Do this all on the down low and get your "I's" dotted and your "T's" crossed as much a possible and then pull the ejection handle and move out, deliver the papers and at that time if you are even willing to give him a second chance, give him the ultimatum of transforming into someone completely different or sign the papers and don't fight it.

 

 

My money is going on that he will let you go without a fight. Oh he may huff and puff and say some words, maybe even cry a little, but he won't actually do anything. That will be your sign. When he agrees to the terms (which he will because you have already done all the work) that will be your sign it is over and you can walk away in peace knowing that it was meant to be.

[loveboid]

Does he have an undiagnosed condition like ADHD? Even though people don't believe in it the organization techniques might help. Maybe dyslexia? It could be why he did poorly in school even though he's smart and gave up to play video games.

 

I heard a divorce lawyer say immaturity was one of the top five reasons he saw for divorce.

[Satu]

Does he have an undiagnosed condition like ADHD? Even though people don't believe in it the organization techniques might help. Maybe dyslexia? It could be why he did poorly in school even though he's smart and gave up to play video games.

 

I heard a divorce lawyer say immaturity was one of the top five reasons he saw for divorce.

 

Good point.

 

Also consider Dyspraxia.

[d0nnivain]

I think you have to ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q:

 

 

Would you be better off with him or without him?

 

 

The answer to that Q tells you what you have to do next.

[Tiger Lily]

I think couples counseling might offer you some much-needed support.

 

Ideally, it seems your husband could do for individual counseling as well. IMO, he seems affected by depression (which often hits after the teen years, possibly attesting to his ability to succeed when younger). However, only a professional could evaluate him.

[oldshirt]

I think you have to ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q:

 

 

Would you be better off with him or without him?

 

 

The answer to that Q tells you what you have to do next.

 

 

 

Yes, that was always sage advice from the original relationship advice site LOL

[Rejected Rosebud]

You are enabling him to remain as he is. I'm not saying it's your fault and I would probably do the same thing! But as you fill in for all of his lacks it makes it very comfortable for him to just be like this! Counseling might help your marriage if both of you are into working on it … which it seems he is not.

[xxoo]

I've tried talking to him on many, many occasions. He nods and looks concerned, assures me that he'll do his best, then goes back to doing the same thing again, knowing that I can't maintain the pressure for long. He tells me he loves me, and if I really push he'll cry a bit. He makes me feel like a complete heel for expecting him to be the protector and provider I thought I was marrying.

 

I'm not suggesting that you can solve this issue with communication, because I don't think he is going to change. But how does he make you feel like a heel? Do his tears make you feel bad for him? Why?

 

Why is he crying? They sound like manipulative tears to me: make you feel bad, and you back off. He's a grown man playing video games instead of providing for his family. He can cry all he wants but you should not back down from the facts. Keep applying the pressure and make him feel uncomfortable. He is WAY too comfortable right now.

[hoping2heal]

I don't know what to do. I'd rather find a way to make him step up than get divorced but there's a limit to how long I'm willing to hold on hoping for change.

 

I don't know that there is a way to get him to step up. I mean, it sounds like you have repeatedly communicated your feelings and concerns. The fact that you are in debt, living paycheck to paycheck, and unhappy are still not enough to motivate him to do anything.

 

Have you expressed to him that things are getting so bed you're contemplating the possibility of divorce?

[Poppygoodwill]

It's funny, I know someone a little like him. My friend has been "finishing his PhD" for around ten years. It's never going to happen, but he won't admit it and get off his bum and find a job and just get on with it. He does take care of hte kids, but overall he's depressive and lacks motivation and doesn't contribute nearly as much as his high powered lawyer wife does to the relationship - financially or otherwise.

 

I asked his wife once, given all this, why she seems to be okay with it? It doesn't drive you nuts? I asked.

"I knew who he was when I married him," she said.

 

I've always remembered that and been a bit in awe of her perspective on the situation. She consciously made her bed and now she's lying in it, no complaints.

 

though you say you thought he had changed, I imagine this has always, always been an issue. YOu knew who he was when you married him.

 

Doesn't mean you want stay married ot him. Sounds like life would be easier without having to drag him along behind you, along with everything else you're doing for work, kids, etc.

 

But maybe, just maybe, you decide to accept him as he is, as you married him. And once acceptance is there, your mind will be peaceful.

[Lillibet]

Thanks for all of your replies. Hearing (reading) other people say what I already knew is surprisingly helpful.

 

I don't think he sees our current situation as a problem at all. There's food on the table and a roof over our heads - what more could I want? I could take away the Xbox - I've done it before with other timewasters he's found - but he would just sulk for a bit then find something else useless to do.

 

He makes all the right noises when confronted about his lack of achievement, and by the time I worked out that he was lying about what he actually wanted out of life, we already had two children. The third was an accident shortly afterwards.

 

Of course I feel like a heel when he cries and says he loves me and will do whatever it takes to stay together. I understand that he's being manipulative but the funny thing is that I don't think he realises he's being manipulative. He really does feel it at the time.

 

There are a few reasons I'm reluctant to leave:

- I'm not financially independent yet. I want us to be better off, not just in the same situation somewhere else.

- His younger brother has terminal cancer and I don't think his mother would cope with me leaving at the moment.

- One of our children is extremely emotional and volatile, and I worry about the effect it would have on her.

- A purely selfish reason - I badly want to move overseas, and if we're separated before then I won't be able to take the children out of the country.

 

I don't think he has any particular disorder that might account for it. One of his brothers is exactly the same, only worse because he's never had a wife to rein in his tendencies, and he's had every test under the sun. Nothing wrong with him except a bad attitude. His other brothers are responsible family men.

 

What triggered this now? It's been simmering for years, really, but I'm within arms reach of financial independence for the first time in years. There is now the prospect of being able to make it on my own, and the children are also finally all at school.

 

The children are all going to stay with their grandparents in a few days. I will be sitting him down and giving him explicit expectations and deadlines, making sure I mention the D word in big, flashing letters. Maybe I need to do that in the context of formal marriage counselling to really drive the point home.

 

I think very soon I will be better off without him.

[xxoo]

Of course I feel like a heel when he cries and says he loves me and will do whatever it takes to stay together. I understand that he's being manipulative but the funny thing is that I don't think he realises he's being manipulative. He really does feel it at the time..

 

You say "of course" you feel like a heel, but I don't think it's an "of course". This is your contribution to the dynamic, and if you might get a different response (or at least feel differently about the situation yourself) if you could release the guilt you feel when confronting him. He's spinning it all around and making YOU feel bad. Bull crap.

 

What is there for you to feel bad about?

[Lillibet]

You say "of course" you feel like a heel, but I don't think it's an "of course". This is your contribution to the dynamic, and if you might get a different response (or at least feel differently about the situation yourself) if you could release the guilt you feel when confronting him. He's spinning it all around and making YOU feel bad. Bull crap.

 

What is there for you to feel bad about?

 

You're right, I know you are, it's just hard for me not to empathise with his emotional pain. I'm not emotionally invested in the relationship any more but he obviously is.

 

I obviously need to work on being heartless so I can put myself and the children first.

[hoping2heal]

You're right, I know you are, it's just hard for me not to empathise with his emotional pain. I'm not emotionally invested in the relationship any more but he obviously is.

 

I obviously need to work on being heartless so I can put myself and the children first.

 

I don't think standing your ground is heartless at all. The fact is, you have expressed your unhappiness over and over again. He says he will do what it takes but he doesn't mean it - you know that now because NOTHING has changed. He might have his heart in the right place and be attached to you - but that does not mean you should have to life a life feeling overtaxed in all areas just so you don't hurt his feelings. You two are supposed to be a team for crying out loud and he just wants to be the fourth child. It is unkind and inconsiderate towards you that he has been so lazy.

 

He makes the decision to live a life that is the product of being unmotivated but that doesn't mean you and your children should have to do so. I hope very much you can reach this man and light a fire under his ass to wake up and fight for his family and his wife and become the man you all deserve.

[xxoo]

I obviously need to work on being heartless so I can put myself and the children first.

 

It's not heartless. It's strong leadership, which he desperately needs. The enabling does him no good at all.

 

These same skills will be necessary when your kids are older, I promise. Practice now or risk raising mini versions of him.

[Mal78]

Does he have an undiagnosed condition like ADHD? Even though people don't believe in it the organization techniques might help. Maybe dyslexia? It could be why he did poorly in school even though he's smart and gave up to play video games.

 

I heard a divorce lawyer say immaturity was one of the top five reasons he saw for divorce.

 

This is a good point. I do believe my H has ADD/ADHD why? Because he could sit with Lego for hours... and hours. Otherwise he can't sit still nor keep to one particular task.

 

Apparently Lego and video games are high on the list of things ADD/ADHD can really focus on. I think the video games for one because there is SO much to focus on that their hyperactivity kicks in and helps them focus that much harder to maintain.

 

Either way, what ever the reason if he doesn't get help I'm sure this marriage is heading south especially since the pressure is on getting a job and since you do all the finances he never feels the consequences for his lack of ambition and the minimal income he brings in.

 

Let me ask you something, if he wants or need something such as a video game does he ALWAYS get it? If he doesn't because of affordability reasons does he throw a tantrum? Do you just make sure his "entertainment funds" are always available to avoid these conflicts?

 

I'm sure you don't want to live this way for the rest of your life. It's been long enough and he is quite content were he sits regardless of misery.

[Mr. Lucky]

Calling him an adolescent is an insult to adolescents everywhere. I've got 4 of them, all pretty hard workers.

 

He sounds classically narcissistic. I'd guess his perception of needs begins and ends with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lillibet]

Let me ask you something, if he wants or need something such as a video game does he ALWAYS get it? If he doesn't because of affordability reasons does he throw a tantrum? Do you just make sure his "entertainment funds" are always available to avoid these conflicts?

 

Unfortunately his mother tends to give him either cash or gift cards for birthdays & Xmas, so that's when he buys his games if I've said no. He doesn't throw a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants, he just sulks for a bit and finds a way around it. He doesn't always ask before buying. More than once I've found transactions on the bank statements that have turned out to be games or expansions, usually using money I've earmarked for other purposes.

 

I banned him from playing online a few years ago but relaxed the rules a couple of months ago so he could play with his sick brother who lives in a different town. Give him an inch and he takes a mile - he's now constantly playing online with dozens of strangers, and just rolls his eyes when I tell him to stop. The children take great pleasure in hiding his headphones so he can't talk to other people in game.

 

Gee ... I thought I had a handle on what was going on, but writing it all down makes it apparent that the situation is much worse than I had thought. I haven't even mentioned his personal hygiene yet!

[Lillibet]

Questions for those of you in the know: Can you go to see a marriage counsellor alone? Would you recommend it?

 

I don't know how to approach telling him I've had enough and I'm wondering if professional input would make it easier.

[MidwestUSA]

Questions for those of you in the know: Can you go to see a marriage counsellor alone? Would you recommend it?

 

I don't know how to approach telling him I've had enough and I'm wondering if professional input would make it easier.

 

Yes, you can and should. He/she can give you ways to broach the subject.

 

 

Please don't leave us hanging on the personal hygiene!

[Lillibet]

It's nothing extraordinary, just what you'd expect from a grotty teenage boy (apologies to those who have great teenage boys). If he's not on a day shift he won't shower until after lunch, at which point he brushes his teeth for the one and only time for the day. Hair is washed maybe once a week if he remembers, always well after it needs to be done so it always looks lank and dirty. He was much cleaner when we first got married but doesn't seem to see the point in doing more than he wants to now.

 

The tooth brushing thing in particular was a massive contribution to the death of our sex life. I stopped letting him kiss me about 4 years ago because I could never be sure if getting close to him would be a pleasant experience.

[MidwestUSA]

 

The tooth brushing thing in particular was a massive contribution to the death of our sex life. I stopped letting him kiss me about 4 years ago because I could never be sure if getting close to him would be a pleasant experience.

 

 

 

This alone would be enough for me! Eeew. Honestly, I don't know how people can stand to feel dirty. Much less expect anyone to want to get near them.