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Trying to Love an Older Woman


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NeverGonnaSettle

I'm posting here because I need to hear from people in committed relationships that are not working... and those that are. Have you had similar misgivings? Did you work past them?

 

I am a 40yo male looking for a long term, committed relationship. I've had very few that have lasted more than a few months. As a 'sensitive' guy, when I end a relationship, it's because I feel that I'm not being true to myself. Still, it's hard to know if I'm just very in touch with my needs and feelings or just a commitment phobe. Yes, I've done therapy every-now-and-again.

 

Currently, I've been involved with a wonderful human being, a woman 10 years older (50) than I who shares my values, loves me, and really has her life together. She's thoughtful, generous, well-loved by her family and friends, and gives me all of the attention I could ever ask. She is a person who's both deeply intellectual AND highly positive towards life. Someone who is utterly self-sacrificing, but highly stable and professionally accomplished.

 

But I'm not happy. Internally, I obsess over the slightest awkwardness in her touch, the slightest 'smell' of age about her menopausal body... and I wake up with stomach cramps over the thought of continuing something that my spirit says it doesn't want. "She's not The One."

 

Yes, I'm in therapy, but it's slow. I feel almost foolish assuming therapy willl help me psych myself back into emotional equilibrium.

 

BUT! She is the greatest partner I have ever had; she listens intently, she remembers details of my life that I don't, we share the same values, the same music, the same politics and religious perspectives(!), she's always game for anything, and still she's a stable person with interesting stories and vast life experience... and yet part of me recoils that it's like dating a mother figure.

 

I've told her recently I'm working through big relationship anxieties and she knows my history. She's understandably apprehensive, but she hasn't run. We've been together eight months and DID break up briefly. Ultimately, we felt our admiration and friendship were too strong, so we coupled up again.

 

Still, the sex is awkward; while I can please her, so far, she can't do anything for me.

 

I do want children some day and she's not opposed to adopting... but I have to make it through the here and now and I'm afraid to even make any major vacation plans.

 

For what it's worth...

At least I can say that I always treat her very, very well and she lets me know she feels very well loved and well-attended. I introduce her to my friends, I get along well with hers and I plan things around her. I also look out for her unspoken needs e.g. restocking her fridge before her return from an extended business trip.

 

So, what do I do?

My body says: "Nope. You're on borrowed time. Here, have a stomach cramp and dose of 24hr anxiety."

My head says: "She's freakin' amazing! I've never had a relationship this healthy!! What the hell is wrong with you???"

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The way you talk about her would suggest a far greater age difference than just 10 years and tbh as a woman closer to her age than yours, I would be appalled, humiliated and totally pi$$ed off if my partner felt about me the way you feel about her.

 

You say you don't want to waste YOUR time. Well at the moment you are wasting HER time. If this relationship is not working for you then you should end it.

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Your login name says it all. Nobody is ever going to be perfect, you can always find something about a partner that will annoy you, love over looks the annoyances and sees only the good.

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oh my...this is not good at all. And as another poster stated your feelings about your partner would so humiliate her. Honestly, you need to end this now. These feelings about her on a physical chemistry level are not going to change. Also, you wanting kids is a huge deal and she can't produce those for you....I highly doubt you would be satisfied with adoption.

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Go with your gut on this one.

 

You have a chronic history of short term relationships and lack the personal structure for a long term meaningful relationship so there is no reason to believe that this R is going to be any different.

 

Your basic instinct is always going to compel you towards younger, fertile, vigorous females so this lady does not stand a chance. Normal, healthy men also wrestle with this conflict but they have the basic relationship frameworks that allow them to bond and establish meaningful LTRs even if the firm bod and youthful vigor is fading. In other words they can deal with and accept "imperfect" and are able to 'settle.'

 

You are not able to reconcile these conflicting desires and aren't able to settle for one long-lasting, imperfect R so there you can not in good faith subject her to the torment of dealing with your issues.

 

It is cruel and unconscionable for you to lead her to believe that this is a potential LTR.

 

The issue of children is also a serious issue. Children are imperfect and require a life time of bonding and commitment. That's one issue that should give you pause for pursuing children.

 

The other issue is subjecting a 50 year old woman to dealing with diapers and ear infections and colick and Drs Appointments etc at this point in her life.

 

Do both of you a huge service and let this one go.

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quoththeraven

You are a commitment phobe and you are not relationship material. 40 and never had a real relationship says it all. Break up with this woman so she can find someone who deserves the wonderful things that she offers. You do not deserve any partner in your current state. You are nitpicky, harsh, cruel, and unaccepting of your partner. Normal people do not create mental lists of all of their partner's flaws (which honestly, the "flaws" you perceive in your current partner are petty and are just an excuse for you to dump her because you're a commitment phobe).

 

You probably think you are settling, and as your user name says, you're never gonna settle. So let this lovely woman go find someone awesome who thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread, which it sounds like she is. She is actually the one who is settling...with you. She's capable of mature love, and you have nothing to offer her.

 

Your "treating her well" is just the bare minimum of basic and not even very sincere "thoughtfulness" and certainly does not match up to what she offers you. You introduce her to your friends and buy her groceries? Big whoop. That's barely scraping the surface of being cordial as a partner. Are you going to be holding her "menopausal" head if she's vomiting from chemotherapy if she gets cancer next month? Are you going to love and cherish her as she continues to age and deteriorate, as we all do? You aren't even getting the job done sexually after eight months; I highly doubt your lack of attraction to her is going to get any better.

 

You, my dear, are the one with all the flaws.

 

If you truly feel that you can have a relationship one day without being a petty flaw-noter and abandoning every partner, then get into serious therapy. Like three days a week. For a year or more. And stay single. And then after a year, see what your therapist thinks. But don't inflict yourself on any more nice women who deserve vastly better than a casual fling who secretly harbors deep resentments and is enjoying all the benefits of a relationship while making his plan (and his Mean Girls burn book list of a woman's "flaws") to leave from Day One.

 

No matter what, this woman who is "motherly" in your eyes is never going to be a good partner for you, because you've chosen someone that will never be acceptable to you, which is what commitment phobes do. So just end it now instead of milking her for her companionship so you don't have to be alone.

 

At 40, you are now on the cusp of physical decline yourself. Picture yourself in ten years when your sexual abilities are declining and you are dating a 40 year old woman who comes on here and posts about her disgust with your aging body.

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I'm in my early 30s and am with someone 18 years older. It works because she has the maturity of someone her age but lives like someone my age. That being said, she sounds a lot like the woman I'm with in terms of relationship material. However, like the other posters have pointed out, you don't seem to be on the same page in terms of potential for a good relationship.

 

If she has low expectations for the relationship and is just with you for the companionship and to pass the time, then by all means continue. But if expectations rise and she sees you as more than that, then it might be courteous of you to tell her the truth and jump ship.

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NeverGonnaSettle

Having read the many comments so far, first I will say thank you. I appreciate your investment and responses.

 

That said, I'm not a piñata. As deeply flawed as I may be, it is unnecessary to judge me so harshly or project the face of others who have callously done their lovers wrong.

 

This is not a flight of fancy for me. My girlfriend is someone who offers me tremendous sympathy, empathy and companionship. In all but our sexuality, I am overawed by her generosity and her humanity. I am humbled at her investments in me and I work hard to honor them, anticipating her needs in return.

 

To get to the crux of things, I realize my description of her body flaws was offensive; I didn't share it out of disdain or misogyny. In my head it's real, even as I try to ignore or embrace it. The root of my pain comes from childhood abuses from at the hands of older, female caretakers and the residues remain to this day. Therefore, as one can only do in anonymity, I am admitting to you all that I have dark but very real places that are holding me back and I just don't know how to handle it. Yes, I recognize the eventual irony that a) I may be in her place very soon, and b) my next lover will inevitably age, as well.

 

Anyway, yes. I'm 40. If I simply run from yet another relationship, what will I have learned? I'm trying to work this out, trying desperately to figure out how to move beyond my ingrained anxieties…

 

But the professional help I’ve found so far does seem too little, if not too late.

Edited by NeverGonnaSettle
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NeverGonnaSettle

Maybe the real question is: How do I live with myself on the other side?

Okay? Maybe that's what I need help with ...

 

I will feel like a failure.

I will have lost my very best friend.

I will have hurt her deeply and disappointed so many friends, family and acquaintances.

 

I know this is not unique. I know people have been through worse... (Divorce!)

 

I am just terrified to move forward into such self-doubt knowing I [will] have thrown away a relationship with an amazing person who has so much to offer.

For No. Rational. Reason.

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Having read the many comments so far, first I will say thank you. I appreciate your investment and responses.

 

That said, I'm not a piñata. As deeply flawed as I may be, it is unnecessary to judge me so harshly or project the face of others who have callously done their lovers wrong.

 

This is not a flight of fancy for me. My girlfriend is someone who offers me tremendous sympathy, empathy and companionship. In all but our sexuality, I am overawed by her generosity and her humanity. I am humbled at her investments in me and I work hard to honor them, anticipating her needs in return.

 

To get to the crux of things, I realize my description of her body flaws was offensive; I didn't share it out of disdain or misogyny. In my head it's real, even as I try to ignore or embrace it. The root of my pain comes from childhood abuses from at the hands of older, female caretakers and the residues remain to this day. Therefore, as one can only do in anonymity, I am admitting to you all that I have dark but very real places that are holding me back and I just don't know how to handle it. Yes, I recognize the eventual irony that a) I may be in her place very soon, and b) my next lover will inevitably age, as well.

 

Anyway, yes. I'm 40. If I simply run from yet another relationship, what will I have learned? I'm trying to work this out, trying desperately to figure out how to move beyond my ingrained anxieties…

 

But the professional help I’ve found so far does seem too little, if not too late.

 

You need to be honest with her....seriously. And in my personal opinion you need to leave her. If all this stems back to abuse of some form you have to understand you have been lugging that baggage around for most of your life...it could take years to move past and you may never move past it. You may acknowledge and understand how it affects you but accepting to the point that you can be with this woman is really not likely.

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Find another therapist, one who specializes in abuse. I'm sorry that you had to go through that as a child. Nobody should have to suffer like that.

 

The age thing for you is a big issue and right now it seems something you just can't get past. No matter how loving and kind this woman is, in your head you love her and she is great, your gut and insides are screaming otherwise. She triggers you and you associate her body/age with pain and awful memories from your past and that's not going to go away...At least not without counseling.

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Poppygoodwill

I used to be a lot like you. I had trouble maintaining relationships for more than a couple of years. I would panic and bolt. or more likely, I would choose someone who was not long term material from the beginning and so it would find its natural end, and I would be spared having to confront my fears.

 

Then I started dating someone who was a little older than me (for teh first time; usually I dated men who were younger) and we were a good match in many ways. And it scared the hell out of me. And I decided that with that man, I wouldn't run. I wouldn't bolt. I would grit my teeth, force myself to see through the anxiety and be a better person. A person who could love him the way he deserved. I was also very tired of chopping and changing relationships, and I could see that the problem was me. I wanted to change.

 

I went into intensive therapy for about a year a half, spurned on by panic attacks that set in when my impulses were telling me to run, but I stayed put. I had to go on drugs to keep myself calm. And twice a week before work I'd get on the bus adn go see my therapist to talk about why I was so afraid and for the first time, really explore what lay beneath it.

 

The relationship didn't survive. But I finally confronted my fears, and fought some demons, and put some to rest. I felt so much better. Clearer and lighter and calmer.

 

And with this calmer mind, I ended up choosing someone who was much better for me, who is my best friend. And we got married, when I was 45. Something I thought wasn't even possible for me. So you never know.

 

If you want to change, and be different, you can be. You just have to commit and put in the work.

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I think you're making a big mistake by continuing this relationship. And just because you have walked away from many relationships before doesn't make you a commitment phobe. If more people were willing to do that, there would be far less screwed up marriages in the world.

 

This relationship is a mistake on many levels. While relationships can work where the woman is older, the couple usually starts out at a younger stage. But you're not on board with this and it will require you to sacrifice way more than you should. As far as I can tell, there's no question that you need to end this and move on. As for her, she should know what she's asking of you and should know that it's too much to ask of anyone.

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For Gods sake break up with this woman already. She is 50 not 90 and has plenty of time to find a loving man who will love all of her. If you are 40 and want your own children, can't stand her smell or touch why are you with her? Just drop her and get a 30 year old or younger to make you happy. Please don't be cruel and selfish and hold on to this woman just because she's nice. You are wasting her time and it's not fair. Grow a pair and move on.

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I am just terrified to move forward into such self-doubt knowing I [will] have thrown away a relationship with an amazing person who has so much to offer.

 

Yes she has alot to offer but maybe not for you.

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I'm posting here because I need to hear from people in committed relationships that are not working... and those that are. Have you had similar misgivings? Did you work past them?

 

I am a 40yo male looking for a long term, committed relationship. I've had very few that have lasted more than a few months. As a 'sensitive' guy, when I end a relationship, it's because I feel that I'm not being true to myself. Still, it's hard to know if I'm just very in touch with my needs and feelings or just a commitment phobe. Yes, I've done therapy every-now-and-again.

 

Currently, I've been involved with a wonderful human being, a woman 10 years older (50) than I who shares my values, loves me, and really has her life together. She's thoughtful, generous, well-loved by her family and friends, and gives me all of the attention I could ever ask. She is a person who's both deeply intellectual AND highly positive towards life. Someone who is utterly self-sacrificing, but highly stable and professionally accomplished.

 

But I'm not happy. Internally, I obsess over the slightest awkwardness in her touch, the slightest 'smell' of age about her menopausal body... and I wake up with stomach cramps over the thought of continuing something that my spirit says it doesn't want. "She's not The One."

 

Yes, I'm in therapy, but it's slow. I feel almost foolish assuming therapy willl help me psych myself back into emotional equilibrium.

 

BUT! She is the greatest partner I have ever had; she listens intently, she remembers details of my life that I don't, we share the same values, the same music, the same politics and religious perspectives(!), she's always game for anything, and still she's a stable person with interesting stories and vast life experience... and yet part of me recoils that it's like dating a mother figure.

 

I've told her recently I'm working through big relationship anxieties and she knows my history. She's understandably apprehensive, but she hasn't run. We've been together eight months and DID break up briefly. Ultimately, we felt our admiration and friendship were too strong, so we coupled up again.

 

Still, the sex is awkward; while I can please her, so far, she can't do anything for me.

 

I do want children some day and she's not opposed to adopting... but I have to make it through the here and now and I'm afraid to even make any major vacation plans.

 

For what it's worth...

At least I can say that I always treat her very, very well and she lets me know she feels very well loved and well-attended. I introduce her to my friends, I get along well with hers and I plan things around her. I also look out for her unspoken needs e.g. restocking her fridge before her return from an extended business trip.

 

So, what do I do?

My body says: "Nope. You're on borrowed time. Here, have a stomach cramp and dose of 24hr anxiety."

My head says: "She's freakin' amazing! I've never had a relationship this healthy!! What the hell is wrong with you???"

Age is not a matter! Everyone has flaws. Follow your heart. Sex is important but it is not everything. Hope you see her positive side. At least she is willing to have sex with you mean she loves you. Isn't that more important?

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Age is not a matter! Everyone has flaws. Follow your heart. Sex is important but it is not everything. Hope you see her positive side. At least she is willing to have sex with you mean she loves you. Isn't that more important?

 

If his skin crawls and is he kind of grossed out by her body (saggy aged skin etc) how is that more important? This woman, no matter how loving she is, sets him off and reminds him of his past abuse. His happiness and mental health is at risk here. Feeling anxiety and being stressed out isn't good.

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Sex is not the most important thing, but it still is a big factor in a ltr or marriage. If your skin is crawling and her smell turns you off, then the intimacy part of your relationship is doomed. There's no way to get around that.

 

I don't see why there's a rush to settle. Yes, she's an amazing woman, but just not for you. You're only 40, there's still time for you to find someone fitted for you both emotionally and physically. It sounds to me like you and her would make much better friends than a couple.

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You're 40 years old and you say you have never had a relationship beyond a few months...

 

I think the fact that you found such an incredible person to be your partner and you are STILL able to fault find should be your first clue that you wouldn't know "the one" if she smacked you on the face.

 

As another poster mentioned, we all have faults and flaws and part of a loving relationship is accepting the other and being accepted in kind.

 

You seem to have an impenetrable wall. Smell of aging? Oh boy.

 

I'm not sure anyone here will really be able to give you any useful relationship advice because it is quite clear that you don't have a problem in your relationship, you have a "you" problem. Something internally that needs to be resolved. This is about you, not your partners.

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smell of age? like what? fish? granny age-appropiate cologne? moth balls?

 

confused, am old and only smell of what i want to, with no complaints i might add

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smell of age? like what? fish? granny age-appropiate cologne? moth balls?

 

confused, am old and only smell of what i want to, with no complaints i might add

 

Right? Sounds like he's talking about someone much older.

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But I'm not happy. Internally, I obsess over the slightest awkwardness in her touch, the slightest 'smell' of age about her menopausal body...

 

 

I'm curious...what does 50 smell like? As I'm getting close, although a couple of years to go, I'd like to avoid this old age odor. I'm often told I look like I'm in my 30s (good aging genes, I guess), yet my smell will give it away soon. Has she told you what 40 smells like?

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Maybe the real question is: How do I live with myself on the other side?

Okay? Maybe that's what I need help with ...

 

I will feel like a failure.

I will have lost my very best friend.

I will have hurt her deeply and disappointed so many friends, family and acquaintances.

 

I know this is not unique. I know people have been through worse... (Divorce!)

 

I am just terrified to move forward into such self-doubt knowing I [will] have thrown away a relationship with an amazing person who has so much to offer.

For No. Rational. Reason.

 

You just move forward with your truth. You are not married to this woman and although she is a good woman you shouldn't let that fact keep you with her. It sounds like you have more of a mother/son relationship than a romantic one. Friends, family and acquaintances will get over it and won't care as much as you think. They may not even be shocked given the age difference and may be expecting it. I must ask why would you get involved with an older woman given your past abuse regarding women older than you? Have you tried dating women much younger than you and how did that work out?

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still_an_Angel
I'm curious...what does 50 smell like? As I'm getting close, although a couple of years to go, I'd like to avoid this old age odor. I'm often told I look like I'm in my 30s (good aging genes, I guess), yet my smell will give it away soon. Has she told you what 40 smells like?

 

 

 

My partner is in his mid-50s, I have smelled this 'age' smell sometimes but its really not offensive. Its like when you have a teenage son who has taken up a sport that makes him sweat heaps, and you can smell it all the way from his tshirt to his socks. That strong sweaty smell that you identify with a teenage boy, and you just know a teenager's sweaty clothes are in the room or the car somewhere. Or when you come across a baby, they have that sweet smell and its quite distinct in their baby breath. You pick that baby smell on the towels that the baby has used, you know? Its somehow like that, but with my partner, he sometimes smell like clothes that have been stored in the cabinet for a long time and has taken on the woodsy smell of the cabinet, something like that. I smell this strongly behind his ears if he is not freshly showered.

 

 

I think with my partner, I notice his movements more than anything, like his flexibility. I don't want to drag him around on the floor because I know it gets uncomfortable on his knees. And I don't want to see him struggle to get up. Or when I show him something on my phone and I see some sort of shake on his arm when he reaches over, and I see it again when he puts his glasses on. I also see it sometimes as he gets out of the car, that very slight, almost unnoticeable hesitation as he pulls himself up.

 

 

Hope this helps :o

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