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Hello all. I am 32 and been married 8 years with a great family with twin boys. Family is of most importance to me. Here is my problem. About 5 years ago, after having kids, I felt my wife has gradually lost interest in me as far as passion. It started small.

 

I noticed she would not climax anymore with sex, when before it it was no issue. Long story short, it has gotten to the point where she will no longer even french kiss me, she won't partake in foreplay, she no longer allows me to go down, kiss hey neck, etc, all of which I use to do to turn her on. She hasn't climaxed from me in 5 years. She says it is uncomfortable now if I touch get down there or kiss her breasts.

 

About 2 years ago she started talking to her ex bf about sexually explicit things and I found out. I found out and we moved on after much drama. I am the type of person that enjoys satisfying her and I feel I can't. I stay in great shape and an very attractive. I feel lost. I am so tempted in having an affair but have resisted. I do not think I can go the rest of my life without making out, making passionate love, etc.

 

We talk about it. She says she doesn't have sex drive anymore and has lost attraction in me, although she uses toys alone frequently. Kids give us less time to be alone, but I don't feel that it would matter anymore if we had more alone time. I just want to make things like they use to be.

 

Is there any chance she could become sexually attracted to me again? Or are we on a road headed for affairs/ divorce? I don't know how much more I could take. What should I do?

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Sadly it sounds like she has replaced EX-BF. You seem to be trying but if she doesn't want to work on your marriage there isn't anything you can do. Ask if she will go to counseling. If she says no, a lawyer may be your only option.

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Yeah I was afraid of that. If I told her we were going to end our relationship, she would be willing to try anything. Just don't know if it would be worth it. I don't see how having no sexual attraction to me can be reversed. Is this issue common in marriage these days? Do people just power through it even if you aren't happy?

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Hello all. I am 32 and been married 8 years with a great family with twin boys. Family is of most importance to me. Here is my problem. About 5 years ago, after having kids, I felt my wife has gradually lost interest in me as far as passion. It started small.

 

I noticed she would not climax anymore with sex, when before it it was no issue. Long story short, it has gotten to the point where she will no longer even french kiss me, she won't partake in foreplay, she no longer allows me to go down, kiss hey neck, etc, all of which I use to do to turn her on. She hasn't climaxed from me in 5 years. She says it is uncomfortable now if I touch get down there or kiss her breasts.

 

About 2 years ago she started talking to her ex bf about sexually explicit things and I found out. I found out and we moved on after much drama. I am the type of person that enjoys satisfying her and I feel I can't. I stay in great shape and an very attractive. I feel lost. I am so tempted in having an affair but have resisted. I do not think I can go the rest of my life without making out, making passionate love, etc.

 

We talk about it. She says she doesn't have sex drive anymore and has lost attraction in me, although she uses toys alone frequently. Kids give us less time to be alone, but I don't feel that it would matter anymore if we had more alone time. I just want to make things like they use to be.

 

Is there any chance she could become sexually attracted to me again? Or are we on a road headed for affairs/ divorce? I don't know how much more I could take. What should I do?

 

You mentioned this started about 5 years ago after having kids. Perhaps the issue isn't with you per say perhaps she doesn't feel attractive. If her sex drive is her reason it doesn't explain her often use of toys.

 

I honestly wouldn't say it's you. So don't harvest that. I too have had twins, I know what a toll it takes on your body both physically and mentally (I also have 3 other children). I thought it would get easier after babyhood however as I looked back babyhood was easiest (they are 15 now).

 

Although you can't *make* her feel better about herself (regardless of how attractive you think she is) you can be a supportive, loving husband and encourage the process. How often do you two go away even for a night or two?

 

That all being said you can't prevent her *choice* in obtaining an affair. That would be all on her. As it would be on you if you so choose that route. You can only be the best *you* can be.

 

She has already sought validation from OM once (that you know of) so the possibility is real. Have you been to MC?

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Yeah I was afraid of that. If I told her we were going to end our relationship, she would be willing to try anything. Just don't know if it would be worth it. I don't see how having no sexual attraction to me can be reversed. Is this issue common in marriage these days? Do people just power through it even if you aren't happy?

 

I think it's common for those who married the wrong person to begin with...which in itself I feel is more common than you think...

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Yeah I was afraid of that. If I told her we were going to end our relationship, she would be willing to try anything. Just don't know if it would be worth it. I don't see how having no sexual attraction to me can be reversed. Is this issue common in marriage these days? Do people just power through it even if you aren't happy?

 

Ting.. ting.. ting... this was/is me. I wasn't attracted to myself so I *thought* I wasn't attracted to my H. I couldn't climax during sex because I had body issues the projected onto my H and I lost desire... However I wanted to climax so I would self satisfy. I would still have sex with my H and he learned not to bother working on satisfying me because it would just end with "just f**K me"...

 

I've been to counseling, I'm currently working with a trainer, I'm eating healthy and I am constantly aroused and a toy just won't do. My H has a low libido as is so he wasn't concerned like you are when we were going through similar things. Because of such I'm feeling rejected. I am feeling attracted to myself... I feel desperately attracted to my H that I give him VERY energetic BJs (daily) in hopes that will jump start his desires to return the favor... not orally but in general to allow me to climax.

 

The whole thing has become a vicious cycle. I haven't been touched in over a week and have gone back to self stimulating because being healthier effects your WHOLE body.

 

**sorry I trailed on you post... just frustrated at the moment :/

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Don't have an affair. That will only complicate matters and your mental well-being.

 

See if she will go to counseling and work towards salvaging your marriage and family. If not, you have your answer.

 

Five years...this has gone on long enough.

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I don't see how having no sexual attraction to me can be reversed.

 

 

Is this issue common in marriage these days?

 

1) yes, 2)yes (due to social media)

 

 

first find out WHY she has no sexual interest. If she is masturbating with sex toys by herself, OBVIOUSLY she is still horny. Just not for you.

 

 

The first thing to check is if she is screwing some other guy or girl. Snoop in her computer, phone, her social media accounts. If you find something, do not confront her, dig some more. IF she is having affair, then that is your answer why no sex with you. IF no affair, then there is hope.

 

 

You might just be miscommunicating. She thinks "all he does is grab me all the time, I want romance!", while you are thinking "I am doing all sorts of romantic stuff, playing wither her breasts/azz/body ALL the time"

 

 

So learn to talk to each other and what your needs are. Maybe MC would help, or "the 5 love languages" book.

 

 

Try a full body massage with scented oil and soft music playing in the background.

 

 

Try getting her some hot lingerie and telling her how great she looks in it, if she has body image issues.

 

 

Tell her to masturbate with those sex toys when you watch in the room. Try using her favorite sex toys on her.

 

 

Try some porn with her, see if it turns her on. Try some role play on her...see if that can turn on her mind.

 

 

Tell her just how important sex is for you. That you can not tolerate a sexless marriage, and if she can not try to get hornier for you, you will have to do something drastic.

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She has self esteem issues & shes bored (talking to her Ex). I don't think she actually isn't attracted to you she's confused with her feelings and being bored in the relationship. I know exactly what shes feeling, i was married for 14 years. When you throw kids into the mix your days are all the same, kid routine, work, sleep, every day is the same and you lose the sense of your hubby/wife relationship and what it means to you. Taking each other for granted etc...

Counseling would help a lot, date nights, you HAVE to make time for you guys as a couple. I think the passion and love can come back if you really work on it.

 

She has to want to work at it too, hopefully she'll realize just what she has before its too late. (Like I did) :-/

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Ting.. ting.. ting... this was/is me. I wasn't attracted to myself so I *thought* I wasn't attracted to my H. I couldn't climax during sex because I had body issues the projected onto my H and I lost desire... However I wanted to climax so I would self satisfy. I would still have sex with my H and he learned not to bother working on satisfying me because it would just end with "just f**K me"...

 

I've been to counseling, I'm currently working with a trainer, I'm eating healthy and I am constantly aroused and a toy just won't do. My H has a low libido as is so he wasn't concerned like you are when we were going through similar things. Because of such I'm feeling rejected. I am feeling attracted to myself... I feel desperately attracted to my H that I give him VERY energetic BJs (daily) in hopes that will jump start his desires to return the favor... not orally but in general to allow me to climax.

 

The whole thing has become a vicious cycle. I haven't been touched in over a week and have gone back to self stimulating because being healthier effects your WHOLE body.

 

**sorry I trailed on you post... just frustrated at the moment :/

 

a good way to get over body image issues is to take hubby to a lingerie shop, have him pick out lingerie, then you try it on for size. You buy all the stuff he picks that fits, and go home and screw like bunnies.

 

 

Anther way is to set up a profile at a sex forum type website (hopefully with his approval) and post some selfies in your profile, and see the tons of PM's you will get from other men. It will cure you of any doubts that you are not sexy in a day or two. If you can talk him into it, have HIM take the pictures for you to post while in your new lingerie

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Have you changed since you got married? Gained weight, for instance? If she sees you as less attractive, less assertive/manly, then you have to change for her to respond.

 

 

If the above doesn't apply, then she's probably changed, either hormonally or attitudinally, and it's unlikely to change. You can work on changing yourself, and become more independent and much less responsive to her needs, and see if that works over time (but set a limit for things to happen, and get out after, if any improvements aren't sufficient).

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a good way to get over body image issues is to take hubby to a lingerie shop, have him pick out lingerie, then you try it on for size. You buy all the stuff he picks that fits, and go home and screw like bunnies.

 

 

Anther way is to set up a profile at a sex forum type website (hopefully with his approval) and post some selfies in your profile, and see the tons of PM's you will get from other men. It will cure you of any doubts that you are not sexy in a day or two. If you can talk him into it, have HIM take the pictures for you to post while in your new lingerie

 

I have suggested the lingerie thing but he is not interested. I would nothing more than for him to be this involved. After all these years I haven't decided if he is prudish or lazy. I am VERY sexually driven and would try anything new just for the thrill of trying something new even if I don't anticipate liking it. My H on the other hand gives me weird looks or distasteful looks so I don't venture far from *his* comfort zone. I initiate... I introduce new... I go to town and he pretty much just sits back and enjoys the ride. I try to get him to talk dirty... He can't go past a 1 on the "dirty talk" rector scale. Again, I try to mention fantasies (ie. Him Cummings on my tits) he fluffs me off as weird. I try to explore his fantasies and he has nothing... I try to bring them to surface and he shuts down.

 

I'm not saying I'm in a sex less marriage. I just feel I have to work my ass off satisfying myself as if he is a toy to masterbate with. I'm not a "lay on your back and make me cum" type of girl. It lacks passion on his part. I give oral 100:1 and he still thinks I "pressure" him. Of course one knows the difference between someone wanting to do it vs. Feeling they have to. I would rather he didn't. I will stop it the second I feel this is the case.

 

He doesn't know about my vibrator because masterbating/toy stimulating = cheating in his mind. He found one a few years ago I left behind and he lost his mind. I was made to feel I had a full on affair because it was the same difference to him... WTF?? Although I would NEVER cheat on him a fleeting thought has always been if a toy is the same difference than....

 

That leads to your second suggestion. My H is too insecure to do the sex forum thing. I would never take that on myself either (without his knowledge) and the pure suggestion again would make him loose his lid.

 

I have the misfortune to have a bff with a VERY vibrant sex life/partner. We speak VERY open and are ashamed of nothing when we talk. She is a wealth of info... However I think it boils down to having a very compatible partner sexually. I couldn't imagine anyone compatible with my H sexually but it might change for the right person. I also long for/fantasize seeing this as I deem my H a VERY attractive man. VERY fit, muscular and perfect form. Perhaps it's me he doesn't desire to do these things with. That's fine... why not seek it elsewhere then?

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Thanks guys. To answer some questions, we are both in shape and attractive. We don't get but maybe 1 night a month to ourselves. I am relatively sure she has not cheated but she was considering it at one time I found out. I try to be romantic but seems it always fails. We have sex 2x a week but it is obvious it is just to make me happy. We get along great and never argue. Everything is perfect accept her attraction to me. What drives me crazy is her thinking of other guys sexually instead of me. When she talked to her ex, it was like she was another person I didn't know (I read her texts). Very sexual. I'm sure she is being faithful now but she is obviously not sexually satisfied. I think it's just a matter of time before someone else comes around. Ill try to make more time for us and see. It's been so many years already it's so stressful. Thanks everyone for help

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Thanks guys. To answer some questions, we are both in shape and attractive. We don't get but maybe 1 night a month to ourselves. I am relatively sure she has not cheated but she was considering it at one time I found out. I try to be romantic but seems it always fails. We have sex 2x a week but it is obvious it is just to make me happy. We get along great and never argue. Everything is perfect accept her attraction to me. What drives me crazy is her thinking of other guys sexually instead of me. When she talked to her ex, it was like she was another person I didn't know (I read her texts). Very sexual. I'm sure she is being faithful now but she is obviously not sexually satisfied. I think it's just a matter of time before someone else comes around. Ill try to make more time for us and see. It's been so many years already it's so stressful. Thanks everyone for help

 

I think a spontaneous night/weekend out of town... In a hotel would do you both a lot of good. Book a spa day in between with a massage. It will get you both reconnected and on a better track for more spontaneous alone time to be anticipated.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am sure it's just simply she needs a spark lit under her bottom.

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Get the books, "the Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay and "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover ASAP.

 

Then get registered on the website 'married man Sexlife dot com' and tell your story there. MMSL is geared towards men who's wives have lost attraction for them and they have detailed plans in place for how to get attraction back.

 

For some people it does work. For some others it does not they can help decide whether to stay and endure or move on.

 

This is a very serious situation. She is very vulnerable to affair or just being a Walk-Away-Wife if she were to encounter someone who does trip her trigger.

 

You must act fast. If she does meet someone who turns her on she could be gone forever in a very short period of time.

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My advice would be do not be so positive she has not cheated or is not actively involved in some affair. You say you are confident that is not the case. What makes you so confident. Because she says so????

It is not uncommon for a woman to stop having normal sexual drive and attraction for her husband when she has her mind on her new and exciting lover As a matter of fact , that is a big red flag.

If Inwere you I would put a VAR in her car and start to do some serious snooping. Please don't say her phone is locked and that she guards it or that you do not have any access to her social media:

If the answer to any of those things is yes, you will soon here "I love you but I am not in love with you", and shortly after that you will find there is an OM.

You need to stop being so sure unless you can prove it. She was on the verge on a PA before. To think it can't happen again is reckless on your part.

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I will check that website out. I do close guard things now. I have passwords, cell history access, etc that she doesn't know I have.. not because I'm psycho possessive, but because I told myself I wouldn't let an affair occur, and if it got close again, id leave. With kids, she has basically no time at all for an affair. So that's why I'm fairly confident, but of course not certain. She has told friends in the past that she imagines another guy when we have sex, and ask friends if she should cheat. She won't look at me when we make love and always looks down. I can't get that out of my head. Things are better on the surface now and I think she is trying to stay faithful. I will check those books also. Thanks again everyone. I am finding ask these posts very usefull and reading each one over and over to help me through this

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Hello all. I am 32 and been married 8 years with a great family with twin boys. Family is of most importance to me. Here is my problem. About 5 years ago, after having kids, I felt my wife has gradually lost interest in me as far as passion. It started small.

 

I noticed she would not climax anymore with sex, when before it it was no issue. Long story short, it has gotten to the point where she will no longer even french kiss me, she won't partake in foreplay, she no longer allows me to go down, kiss hey neck, etc, all of which I use to do to turn her on. She hasn't climaxed from me in 5 years. She says it is uncomfortable now if I touch get down there or kiss her breasts.

 

About 2 years ago she started talking to her ex bf about sexually explicit things and I found out. I found out and we moved on after much drama. I am the type of person that enjoys satisfying her and I feel I can't. I stay in great shape and an very attractive. I feel lost. I am so tempted in having an affair but have resisted. I do not think I can go the rest of my life without making out, making passionate love, etc.

 

We talk about it. She says she doesn't have sex drive anymore and has lost attraction in me, although she uses toys alone frequently. Kids give us less time to be alone, but I don't feel that it would matter anymore if we had more alone time. I just want to make things like they use to be.

 

Is there any chance she could become sexually attracted to me again? Or are we on a road headed for affairs/ divorce? I don't know how much more I could take. What should I do?

 

What you should do is NOT have an affair. You should tell your W that you need this pattern to change and are willing to do whatever is necessary to make that happen, but she needs to tell you what that is. Tell her that you are at the point of considering divorce. Give her some time, maybe a year, to see if things change for good. If things do not change, or only change temporarily, then get a divorce and start your life over again with someone who is attracted to you. If she has an affair, you need to leave her without question.

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I will check that website out. I do close guard things now. I have passwords, cell history access, etc that she doesn't know I have.. not because I'm psycho possessive, but because I told myself I wouldn't let an affair occur, and if it got close again, id leave. With kids, she has basically no time at all for an affair. So that's why I'm fairly confident, but of course not certain. She has told friends in the past that she imagines another guy when we have sex, and ask friends if she should cheat. She won't look at me when we make love and always looks down. I can't get that out of my head. Things are better on the surface now and I think she is trying to stay faithful. I will check those books also. Thanks again everyone. I am finding ask these posts very usefull and reading each one over and over to help me through this

 

When you get on MMSL one of the first things they'll have you do is a very sincere and honest investigation into if there is currently a another man/men in the picture. If there is, nothing else that you do will have any impact and will all be wasted effort.

 

You need to be aware that married women have trysts that take place in literally minutes. They are not like single women that need to be wined and dined and have romantic walks on the beach in the moonlight. Married women have a home and family and kids and companionship at home. If they are in the market for some extra excitement, 5 minutes in the storage room at the office is all that is needed.

 

You will need to do your due diligence in investigating to see if there is someone else. This means covertly tapping into emails, Facebook, cell phone, txts, FaceTime etc etc. as previously mentioned a voice activated recorder in her car and other places she may have private conversations can reveal a wealth of information.

 

Even if she isn't involved with someone else at the moment, it sounds like she may soon be looking for one. You must act fast.

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What you should do is NOT have an affair. You should tell your W that you need this pattern to change and are willing to do whatever is necessary to make that happen, but she needs to tell you what that is. Tell her that you are at the point of considering divorce. Give her some time, maybe a year, to see if things change for good. If things do not change, or only change temporarily, then get a divorce and start your life over again with someone who is attracted to you. If she has an affair, you need to leave her without question.

 

That kind of ultimatum will only work if he has a higher sex rank market value than her and only if he is completely ready, willing and able to follow through with the threat.

 

This needs to be methodical and step by step. This is where programs like MMSL come into play as they have focused game plans to work things through methodically and in sequence.

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That kind of ultimatum will only work if he has a higher sex rank market value than her and only if he is completely ready, willing and able to follow through with the threat.

 

It's not a comparison, and yes, he needs to be ready to follow through with the threat. If you can't, then there is no point in faking it. She will test you and that is not just a woman thing. Men test their wives with other things all the time.

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