Husband cursed me in front of daughter

[Daisy2013]

Last night my husband knew I was upset with him. I expressed myself as I've been in counseling to learn to speak my emotions and what I'm feeling rather than shutting down. I wasn't ugly nor did I say it in anger, more of in a disappointment type attitude. Well, he started screaming "F you" over and over, this went on about 10 minutes, at least. In between, it was "I hate you, I'm done with you." I didn't reply and just sat there. Our 17 year old daughter was there on the sofa next to me the entire time, the look on her face heartbreaking. She didn't say a word.

 

We have had a difficult marriage. He is always gone and has always put everyone before us, I can't even get him to do anything around he house. I foot the mortgage and most of the bills, the kids' college tuition and before that, their school tuition. At times, I cover some of his bills. I am paying for his truck too, that will be paid off in August. Plus my own car, that he was miffed when I bought it a couple of months ago. He works hard, income I'm the mid-30's, yet he NEVER has money. Christmas rolls around same time every year. I have paid for it too all these years because he never saves or plans, and then curses the entire holiday season about how much he hates it. He spends it with his family and has always refuses to visit with mine on holidays. I don't need gifts, in fact, after this long, I don't even desire things. I've forgotten about that sort of stuff spending my resources raising the girls.

 

He says horrible things to me. I've asked him to go to counseling. He refused earlier this year and still refuses.

 

I think last night broke the straw for me. I'm heartbroken how he acted in front of our daughter, although both of them have heard it all before. They know things have always been bad.

 

Thing is, I hate it leave when I don't know what I've done and what makes me a horrible person. The one time I got anything out of him was a couple of weeks ago and he said I'd become a holy roller going to church and he didn't marry one. He doesn't do church. I know I've grown up and become responsible, having to because I can't count on him.

 

How does one leave not knowing if they did everything possible or are the problem after all? I wish he would tell me because I told him I would try to change.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Rainbowlove]

Unless he is willing to change his behavior and deal with his rage, there's nothing you can do to fix this.

 

He's abusive. Does he acknowledged afterwards his behavior is wrong after he cools down or does he put it on you and blame you for it?

 

What are either of you teaching your daughter about marriage and relationships and how women should be treated by men? Do you want her to end up in the same type of relationship?

 

You are no doubt emotionally battered. Continue in counseling, but if he's unwilling to do self-work, this is a dead end.

 

Leave.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Rainbowlove

[Daisy2013]

Unless he is willing to change his behavior and deal with his rage, there's nothing you can do to fix this.

 

He's abusive. Does he acknowledged afterwards his behavior is wrong after he cools down or does he put it on you and blame you for it?

 

What are either of you teaching your daughter about marriage and relationships and how women should be treated by men? Do you want her to end up in the same type of relationship?

 

You are no doubt emotionally battered. Continue in counseling, but if he's unwilling to do self-work, this is a dead end.

 

Leave.

 

Thanks for your reply. No, he doesn't apologize, it's my fault. He won't do counseling to learn to communicate, I've asked. I'm scared my co-dependency has hurt my daughters as they have not seen a healthy marriage. But by the grace of God, my 19 1/2 year old daughter seems to have it together and is in a good R with a good man who loves her. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders about things with them.

 

He also called me the "C" word last night, in between the F you and I hate you. Strangely, he has cut back on his drinking since being diagnosed with high blood pressure. I'd have thought less drinking would help him communicate with me.

[Realist3]

Have you ever confessed your affair?

[Rainbowlove]

Even if you have confessed an affair, this behavior is abusive and bull ****. No one deserves to be treated that way.

 

Find your strength. Get healthy. Get whole. Get out.

[Daisy2013]

No. His years of ignoring me and putting me to last place led me to fill the empty hole inside. I didn't go looking for it, an A would never have crossed my mind. But I take full responsibility for my actions. If he were "safe" and I could talk to him, yes, I would, so we could discuss our needs in our M. I've begged him to tell me what he needs and wants, but he never has. I've begged him to attend counseling with me in hopes it would open that door. We have never been able to "talk" or "share". He isn't that type, while I desperately need the intimate connection emotionally. I tried to share something with him once this past year in hopes to open that door and he exploded at me and said he wasn't interested. My A gave me some hope hat had long died, that I am worthy and valuable to someone.

 

Short answer: no.

[Rainbowlove]

You are worthy and valuable, but not in that marriage.

 

If someone ever talked to me that way; especially in front of my kid, they had better sleep with one eye open.

 

Life is too short to live under those conditions.

[Daisy2013]

My daughter just told me he texted her saying he was sorry for talking like that in front her her. She told me we had a miscommunication so we are both at fault. I will I guess let this one bounce off and try to speak again.

[d0nnivain]

It's good that your husband apologized to your daughter. She's 17 not 7 & is grown up enough to realize or at learn that people say stuff in anger. It doesn't fix your marital issues but you shouldn't be concerned that you have scarred your daughter for life.

[Realist3]

The reason I asked was the thought that maybe he found out on his own. If this is his normal behavior then you probably should get out.

[Rainbowlove]

In my mind, he needs to apologize to both you and your daughter - together.

 

Give him a pass this time, why not?

 

The pass, though, is about you being afraid to address the real issues. I get it, believe me, I do.

 

He has got to do more than apologize, he needs to take real steps to prevent that from happening again.

 

That's just in my mind, though. This is your life and marriage.

 

All the best to you,

 

RL

[bathtub-row]

Show your daughter what it means to have choices and leave this jerk. If you don't, you will find her marrying a man just like her dad, and staying, just like you've done. If your therapy was worth 2 cents, he or she would be telling you that this man isn't worth another second of your time, and that he will never, ever change.

[elaine567]

The fact you are basically financially viable without his input, means you do not need to put up with him any longer.

15 mins of "F you, hate you and the C word" in front of your daughter is no small thing.

He is nuts, not to put too fine a point on it, and the sooner you divorce him, the better for all concerned.

[Arieswoman]

Daisy2013, I am sorry about your situation.

 

To put it quite bluntly your husband is an out-of-control, abusive nut-job.

 

Please, please make plans for you and your daughter to leave him. I am very concerned that this will spill over into physical violence.

 

Find a lawyer/solicitor to find out about what your rights are with regard to property and financial support, then go.

 

No-one deserves to be treated like this.

 

Good luck.x

[Daisy2013]

Thank you for your words. This will not go unnoticed or just pass. I recall about two weeks ago I had the talk with him, saying we ended to come together as a couple and be "one" or we would need to go our separate ways when our youngest graduates HS in May. It seemed he heard me because I was quite clear and he seemed to communicate a little better...then this. I truly think he doesn't love me or want to be married, and that's ok. If he would just say it. We weren't a good fit and if we hasn't married under our circumstances, we likely wouldn't have lasted in the dating world. I think would truly be happier on his own, can watch TV, drink his beer, hang with his large close family, and have no responsibility.

 

I will talk again to him about this. It will not be rugs wept. It's not the first time. He hasn't ever been physical. Only once when he wanted to have sex earlier this year and I said no. He took it anyway. And held himself in front of me telling me to "suck it" and clicking to me as if I were a dog. I think he had been drinking. Other than that one time, no physical violence.

 

Thanks again for your support in this difficult situation.

[beach]

Have a voice (again!) and speak your truth.

 

Remind him his words and behavior is completely unacceptable!

 

And IF he isn't capable of stating how he feels calmly and clearly to work toward a resolution - then you have a decision to make.

 

He's abusive - and yes, you've allowed it - and your daughters have a horrible example of a male role model!!!

 

Why did he apologize to the daughter but not to you? That's terrible! The apology should have been to YOU before her!

 

Your H doesn't respect not honor you. If he can't be trained differently I can't see reasons to stay for more abuse. If he won't go to counseling there may be no hope - no change = more misery.

 

You pay everything now - you may be better off without him - since he doesn't seem like a positive partner that carries 50% of the responsibility within the union.

 

I'd bet money a counselor would find that he feels threatened by you being the responsible one - and his angry outbursts are him feeling inferior to you.

[Rainbowlove]

He took it anyway?

 

That's called RAPE!!

 

You are making excuses...it was only one time and he was drinking.

 

You are not safe.

[Satu]

You are worthy and valuable, but not in that marriage.

 

If someone ever talked to me that way; especially in front of my kid, they had better sleep with one eye open.

 

Life is too short to live under those conditions.

 

I agree. It's totally unacceptable. That would be enough to end the marriage for me.

[Satu]

Thank you for your words. This will not go unnoticed or just pass. I recall about two weeks ago I had the talk with him, saying we ended to come together as a couple and be "one" or we would need to go our separate ways when our youngest graduates HS in May. It seemed he heard me because I was quite clear and he seemed to communicate a little better...then this. I truly think he doesn't love me or want to be married, and that's ok. If he would just say it. We weren't a good fit and if we hasn't married under our circumstances, we likely wouldn't have lasted in the dating world. I think would truly be happier on his own, can watch TV, drink his beer, hang with his large close family, and have no responsibility.

 

I will talk again to him about this. It will not be rugs wept. It's not the first time. He hasn't ever been physical. Only once when he wanted to have sex earlier this year and I said no. He took it anyway. And held himself in front of me telling me to "suck it" and clicking to me as if I were a dog. I think he had been drinking. Other than that one time, no physical violence.

 

Thanks again for your support in this difficult situation.

 

You are in a genuinely dangerous situation that you need to you and your children out of.

 

Don't bother talking - he's mentally unhinged, and won't change no matter what he or you may say.

 

You are well past the point where talking became pointless.

 

Divorce him and live a normal life with normal people in it.

 

Your husband is insane.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Satu

[whichwayisup]

Your husband is an emotionally abusive A HOLE! Shame on him.

 

Time for you to divorce him. Your marriage is in shambles, it's doing damage to you and to your daughter. Trust me, she would probably be so happy and relieved if you two got away from him.

[Daisy2013]

Thank you. We will be talking when he gets home as he left early this morning to go to a football game. It's come to the end if he won't face we need help. And I'd be glad to listen to his beefs with me if he would JUST TELL ME.

 

And strangely, our children adore him. Which is good, they should. He's never really been around for them after they outgrew their young childhood and they know everything they have has come from me. But, they feel sorry for him because of the way he is and I'm afraid if I leave he will win at holiday time etc. They prefer his family because it is large and it's like a party and alcohol is flowing so everyone having fun. Mine is "boring" to them. No drinking and just regular family. In fact, if I travel 2 hours away on Christmas to visit I will likely be alone. He never will go with me, always goes to his who are in town, and now that they are grown I won't force them to go with me. Sometime I just stay home on the holiday.

[beach]

From everything you've stated - why not skip the "talk" and just file for divorce?

 

You have a husband who:

screams at you

Forces sex on you

Doesn't contribute financially to the family obligations

And shows your daughters a terrible example for a husband

Won't go to counseling to change

 

 

I think you'd be better off without him.

 

But that's just me weighing the pros and cons.

[bathtub-row]

So, basically, he raped you. What a charming man. And you still want to discuss things with him. Wow. These guys know the right women to pick - the ones who will tolerate being called names, who will accept their husbands being horrible examples for their children, who force sex on them and treat them like trash.

 

I'm sure another conversation with him will change everything. Hang on to that sh***tty marriage for as long as you can. It's the admirable thing to do.

[elaine567]

Daisy2013 why do you allow him to treat you like this?

[Daisy2013]

Daisy2013 why do you allow him to treat you like this?

 

The ugly words came through the years. He was actually a kind and easy going person when we met. He still is to all but me. I ignored the red flags early on about money and putting his family first because his family is tight and that's the way it is/was. He still borrows from his mom and sister when he runs low. I thought he would grow as I did, but he chooses to remain a victim. For example, the battery in my daughter's car died this weekend. I am replacing it. Normally, she would, but because it's her 1st year in college and she's working less and pays her car and insurance, I want to help her. He doesn't have the money and his response was "let her boyfriend buy it" as he is wealthy and would like to spend money on her, but she won't let him and supports herself. I am buying the battery.

 

To answer you. I've learned in therapy I have co-dependent issues. My FOO isn't healthy. Although much better now, my mom might be borderline and histrionic, and was abusive when I was a child. My father, divorced from my mom, is a cold person, probably somewhat narcissist. He's very wealthy, but wouldn't offer a dime to help. And that's ok! His money. But he barely knows his grandkids.

 

All I want is to give love and be loved. All my life that's what I've wanted and didn't seem to have. Simple. I stuck around thinking "if only I do better." i don't mean to ramble in my answers. I think I'm letting it all out.