confused83 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I am so confused about whether i made the right choice or not. Long story short ive always felt in the relationship that i dont come first but have kind of accepted that because the girl im now engaged too had a 1 year old son when we met (the dad has nothing to do with him and did walk out on her loads and treat her badly). Basically we've been now together for almost 2 years and are recently engaged. We've just had a massive argument thats even involved her mum and ended up me filling the car with my stuff and leaving. Heres the story: Everything was amazing and we've been discussing kids for a while now and both decided that we're ready for another as dont want a huge age gap between her son and ours as i see him as my own, we decided 2 days ago that she was going to cancel her appointment for a depo so we could try for one, then yesterday she went out with her mum for the day (whos always wanted to take her daughter and the son to lapland) and suddenly told me her mum was gutted about us trying because she wanted to go to lapland and so shes decided to put our life on hold, stay on the depo until theyve been to lapland next year, i obviously got annoyed at this and said i actually cannot believe we're now waiting another year to even start trying and having a huge age gap between the kids all because of a trip to lapland that the kid (whos 3) probably wont even remmeber and its not like we couldnt all go when family is complete. Again long story short, i ended up telling her how much she'd hurt me over this, she told me i was being a drama queen and said i was a mardy TW.. i then just said if my feelings about our future dont even matter then whats point me being here? she replied 'there isnt a point' so i got my stuff and left. shes now text me saying dont ever come back because her ex kept leaving her and now im doing the same. i cant help feeling manipulated and hurt and actually stupid how shes been about all this? was i right to get my stuff and go or was it stupid? i no deep down it was childish to accept her way of arguing and no deep down i should of told her to forget it and just cooled off a bit but this was 2 days ago and shes still not apologised because still blaming it all on me for walking out? at my wits end that it seems the only way this works is if i say sorry, i fight for us and i take all the blame. i feel manipulated. everyone will think we're 18 reading this but im actually 31 and shes 29. i know its petty but im sick of taking all the blame all the time even when its me whos hurting ive got to just act like i dont care or all this happens? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Do you think you could live and thrive - long term - in the relationship as it is now, with priorities the way they are, decisions made the way they are, etc. Or are you expecting that once you marry and have a child together, that things will change and balance out? I always advise: if things are not working now, don't expect (a) a wedding, or (b) a new child, to change things for the better. That's a gamble that doesn't offer favorable odds. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 maybe the conversation went something like this: Her: Hey mom, I'm gonna have another kid Mom: WHAT!!!???? Did he propose to you to get married yet? Her: well, no...he just wants me to get pregnant Mom: Why? ... Why would you want ANOTHER kid with some guy who refuses to marry you. Just like that other guy did. Her: well...I don't know. I kind of like him Mom: Like him? What are you crazy.... Her: I kind of see your point Mom: NO WAY are you getting off birthcontrol until you are in a stable marriage Her: I guess you are right. What should I tell him though Mom: Tell him...your hair is wet, no ..wait, tell him you can have a kid after we go to Lapland. Yeah, tell him that. Her: OK (in other words, why the heck do you want to have a kid before you married her??? She was already hurt that way once.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 ^^^^^^^^ Bingo. OP- I would also add that there is nothing wrong with wanting to live life a bit before burdening herself with another child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Like the other poster, I suspect there might be something she's not telling you --- like how she feels about not being married but already planning a child. Could it be so was so quick to end things because she feels you're not truly committed? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I can understand why you are hurt but you both handled this poorly. First I agree that since she already has one child out of wedlock, I don't see the point in Planning another. How far are you in the wedding planning process? If she doesn't even have an e-ring on her finger, you can't really blame her for wanting to take her child on the trip. Again why you were justified in being hurt, you both handled the next pieces poorly. Mature people who want to build a relationship don't just give up & walk away when things get tough. They acknowledge the pain & work through it together. My advice to you: send her a huge bouquet of flowers & an apology note. Something like this. While I was deeply hurt by your change of heart regarding our family planning, I reacted immaturely by walking out. I am genuinely sorry. I love you & [insert son's name]. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Please forgive me. I'd like to come over later to make it up to you & to show you that you can count on me always. Love, confused 83 If she doesn't already have a ring, show up with one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused83 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 She has an engagement ring which was over £1000 we are serious and as stated before we are planning a wedding but discussed children because didn't want a huge age gap between the children. The posters who suggest us doing it out of wedlock it is 2014 and we are planning marriage but don't want to rush a wedding date I can understand why you are hurt but you both handled this poorly. First I agree that since she already has one child out of wedlock, I don't see the point in Planning another. How far are you in the wedding planning process? If she doesn't even have an e-ring on her finger, you can't really blame her for wanting to take her child on the trip. Again why you were justified in being hurt, you both handled the next pieces poorly. Mature people who want to build a relationship don't just give up & walk away when things get tough. They acknowledge the pain & work through it together. My advice to you: send her a huge bouquet of flowers & an apology note. Something like this. While I was deeply hurt by your change of heart regarding our family planning, I reacted immaturely by walking out. I am genuinely sorry. I love you & [insert son's name]. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Please forgive me. I'd like to come over later to make it up to you & to show you that you can count on me always. Love, confused 83 If she doesn't already have a ring, show up with one. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 . The posters who suggest us doing it out of wedlock it is 2014 and we are planning marriage but don't want to rush a wedding date who is this "we" that is planning all this? Your GF kicked your butt out the door. "YOU" want this kid and are worried about age differences, not her. And you are too pigheaded to see that. Good thing the marriage is off, you are not communicating with her at all. You just want everything your own selfish way. That is NOT the basis for a solid marriage, and she knows it. She's been to the circus once, and looked behind the curtains already. You are not going to pull this over on her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 we are planning marriage but don't want to rush a wedding date ... God forbid you rush the wedding, but you are quite happy to have another baby??? NO sense there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 exactly, she it listening to his "plan", and it stinks more than an open big can of Surströmming that's been baking in the midday sun 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 The posters who suggest us doing it out of wedlock it is 2014 and we are planning marriage but don't want to rush a wedding date It doesn't matter if it's 1814, 1914 or 2014 as the date has nothing to do with it. Marriage helps serve as a structure so that it's not quite so easy for people who aren't ready for commitment to do this to each other: i then just said if my feelings about our future dont even matter then whats point me being here? she replied 'there isnt a point' so i got my stuff and left. shes now text me saying dont ever come back Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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