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I feel like i have fallen out of love. Should i tell him everything?


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For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

 

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really hang out with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i don't ever really feel satisfied. I have told him what i like, but he is pretty inexperienced as he hasn't been with many girls.

 

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this guy i used to be friends with and had a major crush on back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved. We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before starting to come back. I have never done a No strings attached thing with any guy ever, so it felt a bit wrong to me, but i thought that maybe a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told the guy that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

 

So after a few days this guy starts to reply less and less, and then eventually says he doesn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he doesn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

 

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on the rocks, and i don't want to come across like an awful person being i am still married, and no reply. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

 

So i told this whole story as i desperately need advice:

 

1) Should i tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with the other guy.

 

2) Do you think this could just be a phase? I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love with him, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things. My emotions are all over the place right now.

 

3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself. Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way. We have never done anything sexually with each other, and i really care about my friendships, especially as i don't have many close friends. Some people think that his goal was to sleep with me and then i came on too strong. Do you think i should blame myself for him ignoring me and stopping talking to me? Do you think i did all i could to save the friendship and should just leave it alone now? After him ignoring me and not talking to me for over a month now, i still fantasize about him every day sexually.

 

I just don't know what to do at all. I do not work currently so every day i constantly dwell on the whole situation, and feel very lonely and unfulfilled in my life. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't, and i just don't know what to do. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this with this other guy. I am disappointed in myself and feel ashamed. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to include everything.

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Ninjainpajamas
So i told this whole story as i desperately need advice:

 

I already could have told you what was going to happen, but then I realized you already crossed that bridge with the other guy and now he's gone.

 

The guy never really cared about you, you just opened the door and like most guys he's at least considering going through it, but he got cold feet...the risk didn't seem worth the reward.

 

You're just in a weak and vulnerable state, and unlike women who typically run for the hills from men like this, guys do the opposite and capitalize on your vulnerability because they see an opportunity...only through guilt/conscience but more importantly consequence and lack of initiative do they really start to back down.

 

I think you going after the other guy will just make you look even more foolish.

 

1) Should i tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with the other guy.

 

You're the one that opened the door. Honestly I wouldn't tell him, people don't tend to understand others who cheat or are considering cheating, they will likely demonize you and get all hurt over it, then hold this anger and resentment towards you.

 

I think your guilt is going to do you in though, I think you were kind of looking to cause waves, you were looking for attention either through being with the other guy or doing something that cause the situation to change, now you're kind of in a void now stuck in limbo since the other guy bailed...and now you're feeling stupid, otherwise you would've still been riding that train.

 

2) Do you think this could just be a phase? I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love with him, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things. My emotions are all over the place right now.

 

A phase? seriously, wtf is wrong with people and their brains? do they really just believe things will change no matter what on their own? what utter insanity.

 

You're being the typical female in a situation like this, worried about walking away and the consequences...even though you are not happy and can't do anything to change the situation, so you just keep going back and forth building up the balls which will probably take you 5 to 10 years or even more to exactly do something about it.

 

3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself. Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way. We have never done anything sexually with each other, and i really care about my friendships, especially as i don't have many close friends. Some people think that his goal was to sleep with me and then i came on too strong. Do you think i should blame myself for him ignoring me and stopping talking to me? Do you think i did all i could to save the friendship and should just leave it alone now? After him ignoring me and not talking to me for over a month now, i still fantasize about him every day sexually.

 

The next typical female thing you are doing is just blaming yourself and being all insecure and low self-esteem about all this.

 

It doesn't matter how he sees you, because trust me he wasn't really that interested anyway...he's just stringing you along and was having a good time with you, stop taking it so seriously.

 

Look at it from his perspective, regardless of what you tell him you're still married, that means high risk of drama and a more difficult time to do some no-strings action because he might actually get caught up in it, and then he has to risk his own reputation if it gets out and causes a whole embarrassing firestorm.

 

So the fact that you are doing this or that is likely pretty irrelevant in the big picture, the guy is thinking about himself...not so much you and your situation, he's not emotionally attached to you or anything.

 

It's also not a "friendship"...don't be so pathetic, you're really just back-pedaling and making yourself look like a loser...make a stand somewhere and have some pride or self-respect and stop worrying about consequences and who's thinking what, you're being a coward about everything and not even thinking of what the hell you are doing and how they is going to affect your husband...you need to wake up and think about what you're doing here.

 

I just don't know what to do at all. I do not work currently so every day i constantly dwell on the whole situation, and feel very lonely and unfulfilled in my life. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't, and i just don't know what to do. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this with this other guy. I am disappointed in myself and feel ashamed. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to include everything.

 

Stop making excuses and trying to find the easy way out, women can be such a pain in the @ss because they fear confrontation so much and having to rock the boat. If you're unfilled in your life then take responsibility for it, and try to do the things you need to do to make yourself happier instead of trying to find the easiest most convenient and painless way for YOU to accomplish that.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and making yourself a victim so that you can justify every crazy and irrational thought that you have. Stop complaining and whining about someone not coming in and sweeping you off your feet and making it all better, stop acting like you have no other choice but to do and think the way you are thinking.

 

If it's not you to cheat (which is probably isn't for most people but they do it anyway) then take yourself out of the situation that is really just making that inevitable because you desire so much fulfillment...others put the big girl pants on and accept the consequences, cheating is a sharp sword, it's not just this ideal scenario where you just get everything you want and your needs are finally met...you're sacrificing one thing for another, whether it be your relationship, pride, commitment and whatever else...it's not an easy thing to do, so realize that doing so is only going to cause you even more problems even though you might be getting something out of it at the same time.

 

You need to really start making a change, whether it be in your relationship, to leave, or to fill up your own time and life with other things. But you can't have it all in this perfect little box, you've got to grow some ovaries and stop feeling sorry for yourself and figure out what you're going to do...don't linger in this inbetween and expect some miracle to come in and fix it all, because it won't...every decision comes with it's consequences, so think about which path you want to go and take it...you can't just b*!ch about your life forever and act like you can't do anything about it when you know you can, you just don't accept the consequences.

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I don't think you went about this in the best possible way and before you actually do anything else, you should really ask yourself what it is you want from your life. You are still young, there is nothing wrong with having made mistakes and yeah it's possible you did marry too young.

 

It is easy for many people to be tempted to do things things they know is wrong or perhaps not well planned. I can't say if your marriage is doomed or if it is just a phase you are going through. Whenever there is a communication breakdown, like you feel he doesn't respond well to you, your emotions etc. then you need to make him aware of this, that it's really important to you. Now if you feel you've exhausted all your options in this regard, and that it doesn't seem possible to salvage, then yeah, you likely need to re-evaluate your entire life and what you want from it.

 

The guy you started talking to, seemed to be very sure what he wanted, but I highly doubt it would do you much good, unless you actually feel the need to just live out your sexual fantasies. Maybe that's exactly what you need, but it could also just be an impulsive reaction for feeling you've missed out on things.

 

What is it exactly you feel you've missed out on, or is it just this "unsure" feeling like something is lacking, (ignoring for a second your problems with your husband). I often believe many people have this invisible feeling like they need to do, achieve, be a bunch of things that are just pure rubbish, because they see other people do or have certain things.

 

If you knew what you wanted from life, at least the core things, then you should pretty much always know what path to take. I really get the feeling you are a bit lost, and you should probably find out what exactly it is you want to do with your life.

 

No matter what, there is no shame and nor should you feel bad about being in this situation, because this is your life, you should be in control of it and do exactly as you want. There are people much older than you that face similar life decisions. Despite the situation not being ideal for you or your husband, we all owe it to ourselves to live a fulfilling life, whatever that may be.

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I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply to me, and i figured that many reading this may think i am totally wrong to do what i did.

 

When i said just a phase i meant due to my emotions being up and down right now. Maybe i hoped it was a phase, kinda how people go through a mid-life crisis and then snap out of it. I wondered if me feeling unfulfilled would not last forever, and my health problems have also made my emotions go haywire.

 

However, after a year of feeling this way, i started to think maybe this isn't a phase, and then with this other guy talking to me, i started to think if i was actually willing to talk about these things with him, and consider meeting up with him, i really think it is time for me to sit down and figure out a way to move forward, but i was not sure how to do so.

 

I am not too scared of the confrontation at all, i have been thinking of it for the past few weeks, i was just wondering how to tell him everything, and whether i should mention this other guy also. Another side of me wondered about trying everything possible to see if anything changed my mind, even counseling, although as previous posters stated at this point it doesn't seem like my feelings are going to magically revert back to before all this happened, and i am going to be madly in love again.

 

I also appreciate the comments about the other guy. I think it was just an attraction to another guy who was paying me some attention i lacked from my husband, and a fantasy i have built up in my head. I then blamed myself after he disappeared because i am the married one.

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For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

 

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really hang out with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i don't ever really feel satisfied. I have told him what i like, but he is pretty inexperienced as he hasn't been with many girls.

 

I'm wondering why you feel so powerless?

 

Others have suggested things you could do, to which I'll add:

 

- Get marriage counseling

- Get individual counseling

- Get a job

- Join a club

- Volunteer for a charity

- Go to school

- Mentor a "little sister"

 

Many activities you could do to broaden your horizons, expand your world and lift your spirits. And none of them involve cheating on your husband or lowering yourself to that level.

 

Thank Heavens your hook-up partner grew some stones. You've been given a second chance - what are you going to do with it :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Flash

Tell your husband everything. Give him the chance to attempt to meet your needs before you actually cheat again. And yes you did cheat. Having the relationship you did with this other man that you initiated is cheating .

If you are not in love the divorce him. It happens. But if you have any respect for your husband as a person you should have this confrontation or discussion in a manner that he gets to understand how far this has gone so that he fully understands the consequences.

And yes, if you tell him about this other man, he is going to suspicious of your actions and it may be harder for you to get away with cheating the next time.

If he knows about OM and does not react, there is your answer on what you need to do.

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I

 

Thank Heavens your hook-up partner grew some stones. You've been given a second chance - what are you going to do with it :confused: ???

 

yes, you really dodged a bullet.

 

 

A good book for the both of you to read is "the five love languages". It is based on the fact that people have various wants in having a fulfilling marriage/love. But they are different for different people. You probably have one set of wants, and he has another. So you do not really understand each other when you talk/act. It sounds like you are the type that needs a lot of support/stroking/listening too, and he does not understand that.

 

 

so certainly #1 is trying to communicate more.

 

 

After really trying, DO be open and truthful with your husband.

If things are really that bad with no change in site, ask him for a divorce. Or ask him for a hall pass to see other men. Finding old flames online and sex chatting with them is only going to lead to cheating...which will complicate, rather than solve, anything in your life.

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An affair will never fill a void. It will only create another one.

 

You claim your husband wasn't supportive but he says he was. Since you have different ideas about what that looks like, did you tell him what you wanted / needed? My husband isn't that great at figuring out what I want / need but if give him a specific idea he will most likely provide it. For example: I need a hug; could you perform this household task? please flirt with me by text more; can we go away for a romantic a weekend please?

 

If you are clear about what you want, most men will give it to you. Asking him to be more supportive is not concrete enough; you have to be specific. See above.

 

I would tell your husband that you were on the verge of cheating & that helped you to realize that your marriage is in crisis. Then ask him to work with you to fix it. If you are unwilling to do that just divorce him. He deserves better than a cheater.

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Thank you for all the replies, i really appreciate the feedback. Like someone else said, there are two sides to the story, so he could well also have many things that bug him about our relationship that he has not expressed to me.

 

I think someone mentioned me shutting him out in a previous post. I tried many times to express things to him for months and i got shut down in my responses. He would just say "i do do that," or "I don't act like that you are taking it the wrong way." I got so frustrated feeling like i was not being listened to that i just carried on and stopped telling him my concerns. I was focused on my illness, and trying to get better.

 

I by no means think my husband is to blame at all. I have just been going back and fourth in my head these past few weeks in how i should go about saying/moving forward, and i guess as my emotions are so up in the air i wanted to ask people out of the situation their thoughts.

 

I am not saying my behavior was right, it was very wrong and i know this. I looked for attention from this other guy, and created a fantasy in my head that never existed. I thought this guy could possibly be everything i want that i lack with my husband. It is obviously very unrealistic, but i guess when you are in a certain place emotionally it makes sense to you.

 

The issue is that i have fallen out of love with my husband, and i am wondering if there is any way to get back to how we were. If there is, i really want to work on things, but i don't know if it is too late. I think the comments here have been very helpful. Maybe marriage counseling is a good step forward. If after this i still don't feel any different, i think it is best to move on.

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Flash

Tell your husband everything. Give him the chance to attempt to meet your needs before you actually cheat again. And yes you did cheat. Having the relationship you did with this other man that you initiated is cheating .

 

Giving your mind over to someone who is not your partner *is* cheating, I suppose. I have a lot of time to reflect on this idea, and the many chances I had to step back from a situation which may have (and may still do) ruin my marriage.

 

As someone who went down the OPs road and went further, I don't think that a tell all session is necessarily the best thing. I struggled with the idea of confessing for along time - I did in the end but more than a year down the track, I am not convinced it is *always* the right approach. I had already crucified myself (and I still do) for what I did, and if I could wind the clock back, maybe I would not have admitted anything.

 

In OPs case, because she seriously entertained the idea of taking things physical, perhaps it is the right thing to do, but we all have less than pious thoughts from time to time.

 

On the other hand, there must be countless BS who are none-the-wiser and their lives are no different because of it. OP, many people come to these boards because they have a problem to solve, so you are more likely to find someone aggrieved about their particular circumstances than some random bystander in the street who you might solicit for advice.

 

However, communication is the key. Without it, relationship simply cannot thrive.

 

If you are not in love the divorce him.

 

I love this line instead: "Love is a verb, not a feeling", so I disagree entirely with your premise. Love is work, often hard work. My advice, is "if you're not in love with him, work on it". But don't chuck it away because you don't feel it right now. These periods can go on for months, but can be resolved with work.

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