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Lonely Young Wife Struggling


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Feeling so Lonely in my Marriage

 

I am 22 years old my husband is 24.

My husband & I have been together for over 5 years, married for a little over a year. We have a son who is a year old. My husband plays WoW (World of Warcraft) every day. Things have become routine. He goes to work, takes his gaming laptop with him & plays at the office. (He works for his dad so he gets away with stuff like this) he comes home and helps me give our son a bath and spends maybe an hour with us. Then he goes back to his laptop & starts playing. He plays with a group of friends and always keeps his headphones on so he can talk with them.

 

I don't remember the last time we had a date together. Our "quality time" consists of putting a movie on to watch, then he falls asleep 15 minutes in. I am actually very attracted to my husband, but his sex drive is much lower than mine. We have occasional sex, it's not bad but it's rarely truly satisfying for me. I crave a deep physical & emotional connection, I want to have deep conversations about life with someone...My husband just isn't my intellectual match..our conversations are superficial & often one sided. Lately I have found myself wondering what it would be like to be with a man who didn't play games, a man who was romantic & made me feel loved and valued & could hold a real conversation. I am young, attractive and full of passion and I want to share it with someone who will appreciate it.

 

I have begged & pleaded with my husband to stop playing WoW because he doesn't prioritize things right. Once I threatened divorce & he told me he would give up playing. He started playing again 3 months later. I feel like a fool for staying in this relationship. There have been many times even when we were dating that I had a gut feeling that I should leave him. I became pregnant & we had a shotgun wedding. Here we are a year later & I just don't know what to do..I am torn because I absolutely love our son & I don't want to act selfishly and do something that will damage his childhood. My son means the world to me

Edited by honeyfox
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I have played the game you mentioned (WoW) and know all too well how addicting it can be. You have to make a very hard stand on this, he doesn't have to quit entirely but he needs to learn how to manage his time better and make time for both you and your child. If can't do that, than quitting would be the only other alternative. You have to lay it down to it, what is more important to him, the game, or you and stand firm on it. Again I am not saying he has to quit entirely, he just needs to be able to manage his time better, but if that is not possible for him, than he needs to quit.

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Your husband hasn't fully grown up yet. Can you get him to agree to counseling? Maybe if he hears from a professional that he is damaging your marriage. If you can't do counseling, can you talk to his parents?

 

Another option might be that you develop friends / interests outside of marriage & one night per week go out to volunteer or just have fun leaving him home to baby sit. When he realizes how much fun child care isn't, perhaps he'll pay more attention.

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tobrieornottobrie

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I know you mentioned that you talked to your husband about how his gaming habits bother you but have you talked to him about any of the other issues that you mentioned? I think as d0nnivain suggested, counseling may be a really good option for the two of you to work through some of the issues that you're dealing with. Marriage is hard work, it takes a lot of patience, nurturing, and effort and issues don't solve themselves. I hope that you and your husband can find the right tools to help you work through this difficult time. Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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He's still a boy obviously, but that's not an excuse - he's a father and husband and needs to be acting like one.

 

Demand he engage in your lives or get going. I'm sorry, but he's more interested in a video game than his wife and son.

 

You are enabling this behavior.

 

We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him that this behavior is okay by allowing it. Heck no, girlfriend.

 

You love your son enough to teach him how a woman should be treated? Because this isn't it, sweetie.

 

Drastic times call for drastic measures. Counseling might help, but he needs a damn dose or reality and quick.

 

Be firm and be honest about how you feel and what he needs to do to save his family. It will only get worse.

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You are living with an24 year old infant. He has gotten away with it because he works with Dad.

Find yourself an adult to live with. But divorce him first . Don't be a cheater

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a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

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a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

 

Puke. Puke. Puke.

 

Good lord this is not on her. My goddess, pay no mind to this one, honey. Hit the delete button and don't look back.

 

Blah, blah, blah...

 

Your boy needs to grow up and show up or he's going to lose it all. Stand firm in knowing this is the truth.

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Before you do anything else, you need to make sure he knows that this is intolerable for you, and that you didn't get married so that you can be lonely for the rest of your life.

 

You have to make sure that he really knows this.

 

Once you've done that you can consider possible solutions.

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print out a copy of this, and put it on your refrigerator door:

 

 

http://cdn1.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1259927/South-Park-World-of-Warcraft-dude.jpg

 

 

its the south park WOW dude, in case he asks. Maybe that will send him a message

 

 

you can also watch that episode on tv when he is in the room...just for laughs.

Edited by spanz1
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a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

 

How absolutely insulting towards men. There are many very intellectual avid communicators. What bunk. :rolleyes:

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a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

 

 

what? Oh wait, guess I'm not intellectually intelligent enough to understand this stimulating post. Nevermind.

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a portion of the problem is you. Blah, blah, blah

 

Hmm, well HoneyFox, now you know what he does when he's not playing WoW.

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Michelle ma Belle
a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

 

There are SCADS of men who ARE all that and MORE! Trust me. I have one :love:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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There are SCADS of men who ARE all that and MORE! Trust me. I have one :love:

 

yeah... well, ask them if they like it. or like their marriages. lol. likely not. what guy wants to come home and listen to his wife complain and yak all day. let the guy have his down time. ask a man to pick between chatting with his wife for hours or playing some games or doing some hobby he enjoys. you think the men will pick you? perhaps the ones without friends...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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hi, if you go, i hope you plan a good future, just make a check-list of rent, baby-sitters, heating, whatnot, give it a run-through in your mind's eye

 

(no relation to newmoon lol)

 

if you have no friends, proceed with caution, total isolation is not a great alternative xx

Edited by darkmoon
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Sounds like how my man can get. Ive never met a guy like that besides gay men. But they are probably out there. I think what keeps me is our laughter, fun and humor. I do crave the romance, we don't even make out or hold hands honestly haven't in years, but if he's not into it im not gonna push it. Maybe try to get into the gaming with him? Be happy he's doing that and not on meetup sex sights or going to the bar. He just sounds lazy. It's easy to get lazy when your comfortable. Deff try n do a date night if u can. It helps

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I feel so sorry for some of the posters here who have been so limited in their interactions with men that they have such low standards and expectations on the emotional intelligent of them. And for the men who accept that their standards are the national standards and that this is all that men can aspire to. Well, shame on you. Just because a person is not introspective, emotionally mature, or curious about others does not make this the bar or the norm.

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OP, I think you should approach this in the direction of him not spending enough time with you and your child, not the game. If he wants to play on the job and his boss lets him and still pays his salary - eh, I don't see anything necessarily wrong with that. But if he's shirking his responsibilities as a partner and parent, then that needs to be addressed and he needs to know that that won't fly with you. If you must give him an ultimatum then do so.

 

a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really.

 

I'm sorry that you have such low opinions of men - I can assure you that some men really do enjoy intellectually stimulating conversations, and not just for 'a short time'.

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a portion of the problem is you. you cannot expect to emote with your husband and have deep, emotional conversations with him on a regular basis. that is a job for a woman, and your female friends. your husband isn't your girlfriend and perhaps you need to have some of those to have stimulating conversations with. if you did find another guy - who was your intellectual match - he would only be that for a short time - men are fundamentally not avid communicators and want to veg out and enjoy bonding time and down time with other guys (especially after work) and have sex and eat. super simple needs, really. i think take control of your own life and interests and perhaps that will motivate him more. if you're sitting in the house staring at him playing games and stewing about it that'll just cause you angst and tension. find yourself a group - alone or with your child - and get out. he might see you having fun and want to join. couples' activities are a great way to get conversations going and reignite marriage/dating.

 

There is some truth in there because you are letting him get away with it and then resenting him for it. If you let the situation go on nothing good will come out of it. Bitching him out about it is really not going to help you, after a while he will stop hearing you and you will just get angry for nothing.

 

You have not mentioned whether you worked. If you don't, consider looking for a job, at least part time:

  1. It will allow you to interact with other people
  2. It will prevent him from feeling entitled to play games in all his free time because he is bringing home the bacon
  3. You need some independence if you want to have the option to consider separating
  4. Your little one will benefit from the interaction with other kids in a daycare

 

Look for activities outside the home and go alone if he is not interested (offer for him to come along but don't insist). An easy one is working out - if you go to the gym a few times a week he will practically HAVE to step up.

 

I wanted to say you could play some video games with him. But WoW is such a gigantic time sink, it's a horrible thing to be addicted to, and you can never catch up to his level anyway. So maybe find some OTHER video game to play together, maybe a racing game you can play on the TV sitting close together.

Edited by Turtles
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There is some truth in there because you are letting him get away with it and then resenting him for it. If you let the situation go on nothing good will come out of it. Bitching him out about it is really not going to help you, after a while he will stop hearing you and you will just get angry for nothing.

 

You have not mentioned whether you worked. If you don't, consider looking for a job, at least part time:

  1. It will allow you to interact with other people
  2. It will prevent him from feeling entitled to play games in all his free time because he is bringing home the bacon
  3. You need some independence if you want to have the option to consider separating
  4. Your little one will benefit from the interaction with other kids in a daycare

 

Look for activities outside the home and go alone if he is not interested (offer for him to come along but don't insist). An easy one is working out - if you go to the gym a few times a week he will practically HAVE to step up.

 

I wanted to say you could play some video games with him. But WoW is such a gigantic time sink, it's a horrible thing to be addicted to, and you can never catch up to his level anyway. So maybe find some OTHER video game to play together, maybe a racing game you can play on the TV sitting close together.

 

Exactly is what one adult supposed to do with another on something like this that is not "letting them get away with it"? Seems like such a parent/child approach that I cringe.

 

How is going to the gym going to make him have to step up?

 

OP - you are both adults, talk to him and go over what you are looking for. I strongly recommend couples counseling to allow a third party to help steer the conversations. He does seem to be in arrested development and I wonder if this is a passive aggressive rebellion about being a spouse and parent which means you are left holding the bag.

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Don't let it be all or none. Compromise. It's not healthy to make him give up something he is passionate about even if it's not your passion. Find/pursue your own passions and hobbies. He can work around that for a while (ie.watching your son for 3 hrs while you take up a class you enjoy).

 

If you expect him to give it up completely or on your terms he will resent it/you and things (particularly your communication) will get worse. Any ultimatum at this point will fall short as he will justify his WoW as nothing all that bad (he is not cheating, doing drugs.... drinking...ect)

 

My H obsession/passion/hobby is Lego. Of course at times it can be VERY frustrating and I feel he is neglecting my needs by spending hours on a project, however so am I obsessing over it. I am only responsible for my own thoughts and feelings so I took up going to the gym 4x/week. Now that is a healthy compromise as he is home minding things as I am out and not (we have 5 kids). Before all this he quit for a month. He was miserable and I was not getting the best of him. I would rather get the best of him sometimes than the worst of him most of the time.

 

Honesty though, if you don't find something to do for you this won't work. You will continue to be miserable and he still will be playing WoW content as can be.

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Exactly is what one adult supposed to do with another on something like this that is not "letting them get away with it"? Seems like such a parent/child approach that I cringe.

 

How is going to the gym going to make him have to step up?

 

OP - you are both adults, talk to him and go over what you are looking for. I strongly recommend couples counseling to allow a third party to help steer the conversations. He does seem to be in arrested development and I wonder if this is a passive aggressive rebellion about being a spouse and parent which means you are left holding the bag.

 

Why is it going to make him step up? Because he will be thinking of his hot wife surrounded by other men. He will feel insecure and have to up his game. It won't even be a conscious decision for him to make. You're utilizing the way men think to your advantage.

 

You can talk to a man from sun up to sun down and get NOWHERE. You can complain about how immature this guy is all day long and that is all TRUE but it still will get you NOWHERE. Couple counseling MIGHT work but just as likely might just feel like a bunch more WORDS to him. Women like to talk, men like to do, is basically what the original post was alluding to - it's simplistic, of course, but you get the point. I'm sorry if it feels like you're playing a stupid mind game.

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Yikes, why did you have a child with this guy if you were having issues like this? Sorry, but it sounds like you married a manchild. You might need to separate from him to show that you will follow through with a divorce if he does not get his act together.

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