wish-i-knew Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 A workmate mentioned that he and his wife had not had sex for 17 months. I suggested he needed to do something about it. He got embarrassed that he mentioned it and dismissed the topic. Based on another comment and the fact that he is counting the months, I think being in a sexless marriage is a problem for him. I know that couples go through phases, but to me, 17 months sounds like a very long time for no sex. He is in his 40's. Married for 20 years with 2 teenagers. My question is: Once a marriage becomes sexless for an extended period of time, is the sex likely to begin again without some form of counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It's actually not normal for a relationship to become sexless, especially for that amount of time. They probably have some serious problems that aren't related to sex. The sad thing is, this is very common but it usually doesn't get resolved, and they rarely divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 It's actually not normal for a relationship to become sexless, especially for that amount of time. They probably have some serious problems that aren't related to sex. The sad thing is, this is very common but it usually doesn't get resolved, and they rarely divorce. That is truly very sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 My question is: Once a marriage becomes sexless for an extended period of time, is the sex likely to begin again without some form of counselling? "No" is the general answer to your question. One partner can threaten divorce, the other will participate on a temporary basis and then things generally revert back. The behaviors and resentment that lead to sexlessness are learned. Couples need guidance to develop the communication necessary to break the cycle. Usually professional help is required... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) Sexless marriage is a returning theme on the forums here. Interestingly there has been a spate of them this week. One started off as an "i'm worried I'm thinking of having an affair" and as the thread went on a near sexless marriage appeared. With counselling it can be resolved, but ultimately if one of them doesn't want to have sex, or has reached the "I love you but am not in love with you" phase, then the choice is black and white and sadly, brutally simple. Stay in the sexless marriage for the sake of the children. Or get divorced. Edited December 18, 2014 by jackslife 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I'm one of those women who was in a sexless marriage for more years than I'd care to remember so I understand the emotional, mental and even physical struggle it takes and the gut reaction to "fix" things. I can't speak for others but in my own experience, I'd like to still believe that anything is possible if/when BOTH people are reading from the same page. It's no secret that the longer a couple is together their relationship changes including their sex life. It's perfectly normal to see it shift and/or even diminish over time particularly when children are involved. Again, in my experience, communication is often a major factor. Couples talk but they forget how to talk about the things that REALLY matter. After many years together, communication about the really deep stuff gets lost and ultimately forgotten when you're eyeball deep dealing with the the tedious conversations about money and kids and work. Unfortunately, the longer couples go without talking about the deep stuff, the harder it is to come back around even with the best professional intervention never mind on their own. Again, I'm a hopeless romantic at my core BUT I've also learned a few things in my life and have come to the sad realization that life is not a carefully scripted Nicolas Sparks movie. The only way to even begin to "fix" this issue is to start the conversation. Find out where his partner's heads at. Maybe she is feeling the same way but was too afraid to bring it up or maybe she doesn't even realize that there is a problem. Depending on how that conversation goes will determine whether or not marriage counselling is an option (any kind of therapy is ALWAYS a good option in my book). Either way, they can't even begin to fix anything until someone takes the first step as uncomfortable as it may be. If not, it's a VERY long and grueling haul living in a sexually unfulfilled relationship. It has a way of permeating and tainting every other aspect of ones life. Trust me on this. Good luck to your friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 really [/i]deep stuff gets lost and ultimately forgotten when you're eyeball deep dealing with the the tedious conversations about money and kids and work. Unfortunately, the longer couples go without talking about the deep stuff, the harder it is to come back around even with the best professional intervention never mind on their own. This is so true. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 20 years of marriage is a very long time, so is 17 months without sex. However, without more understanding of that full 20 years, the love, sex, affection, closeness, and other parts of the marriage its hard to say what is needed. Was the sex mostly good or ok for those 20 years, or has their been a death spiral? I think therapy can help and is worth a try, but if there is no major (or apparent) issue in the marriage - then going to a therapist with a specialty in sex therapy is helpful. We recently completed nearly 9 months with a sex therapist who spent most of this time making sure our marriage was not the cause of sexual declines, before digging deeper. It has helped a bit to improve things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 (edited) 17 months is like forever. It IS a big deal for most men to go that long. It COULD simply be a medical issue, i.e. hormones robbing her libido. A trip to the doctor's office can fix that. It could also be simple loss of libido because she is asexual...or some say LD. THAT may be harder to fix. Maybe she is tired and bored, and sex no longer even enters her thinking. MC can sometimes fix that. Them both reading "the 5 love languages book" and learning how to talk again may help. But there are a ton of other reasons he may not be getting any sex, and the rest are all BAD reasons: she is having an affair, and his role is now beta provider for her she checked out of the marriage but has not yet served him a divorce she only wanted kids, and now that she has them she no longer needs him she wants to control/humiliate him she is BPD, or has other emotional defects She has "found herself" as a lesbian and dislikes sex with men now and so on HE needs to do some snooping on her, see if anything is going on. IF he finds anything, he needs to KEEP IT QUIET while he gathers more info. He needs to talk seriously to her about how important sex is in his life. Since he already went 17 months, I am going to guess it is NOT that important to him since he would have blown a gasket by now if it had been. Maybe she jus does not realize how much this is depressing him? maybe he is close friends with other couples, and he can ask the woman what they think is going on? A lot of time friends of the same sex tell each other intimate marital details that he might need to know to fix things. but there are a few websites like this one--suggest he come on these to get some advice on what to do once he has snooped a little bit. Edited December 19, 2014 by spanz1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 This is usually a difficult situation to fix, and most people who endure a sexless marriage just stop talking about this because the general advice is that they must be doing something bad to make their partner not want sex. If I was hurting and sex starved and made the monumental effort to ask for help, and the response was to ask what bad things I was doing to make them not want me, I'd give up too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Unfortunately, the longer couples go without talking about the deep stuff, the harder it is to come back around even with the best professional intervention never mind on their own. Thank you for your reply. It sort of confirms what I feared - this situation is unlikely to just change on its own, especially given that it has reached the 17 month mark! And my friend is non-confrontational, so I would imagine he would find it difficult to even raise the subject, let alone pursue it for some resolution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 20 years of marriage is a very long time, so is 17 months without sex. However, without more understanding of that full 20 years, the love, sex, affection, closeness, and other parts of the marriage its hard to say what is needed. Was the sex mostly good or ok for those 20 years, or has their been a death spiral? Thanks for your reply Dichotomy. I don't know what his previous 20 years were like, but working back 17 months, seems like things stopped after his birthday last year. He has never said anything negative about his wife, so I assumed it was just a 'sex' issue, but as you say, there are other aspects of the marriage that may need to be addressed, and these are not going to get resolved on their own... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 A workmate mentioned that he and his wife had not had sex for 17 months. I suggested he needed to do something about it. He got embarrassed that he mentioned it and dismissed the topic. Based on another comment and the fact that he is counting the months, I think being in a sexless marriage is a problem for him. I know that couples go through phases, but to me, 17 months sounds like a very long time for no sex. He is in his 40's. Married for 20 years with 2 teenagers. My question is: Once a marriage becomes sexless for an extended period of time, is the sex likely to begin again without some form of counselling? It seems conceivable to me. If two people want something to work, they can make it work, but honestly, I've never seen it happen and continue, at least. (meaning sex resume and continue) But, to another point, many couples stay married without having sex anymore. Sexless does not automatically mean divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 17 months is like forever. It IS a big deal for most men to go that long. But there are a ton of other reasons he may not be getting any sex, and the rest are all BAD reasons: but there are a few websites like this one--suggest he come on these to get some advice on what to do once he has snooped a little bit. Spanz, you are right, the possible reasons as to how they got here are endless! He didn't elaborate, nor did he ask for advice, otherwise, as you suggest, I would have directed him here for starters. When he told me about his situation, I was shocked, and unfortunately reacted so. My comment was 'you need to fix this'. I know, not really very helpful, but as I say, I was very surprised by his revelation. I asked the question to LS in the hope that someone would say that things can improve without intervention, although I knew this was highly unlikely, especially given the amount of time that has passed. If we broach the topic again, I'll try to be more helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Wish I knew, please forgive me if this offends, but I have had many-a-married man tell me he is in a sexless marriage because he was trying to get some from me. Does this mean it's not true that he is in a sexless marriage? No, it is true. But, the reason for such a personal revalation to you is dubious. Just putting that out there. Just know that this is not your problem to fix. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 This is usually a difficult situation to fix, and most people who endure a sexless marriage just stop talking about this because the general advice is that they must be doing something bad to make their partner not want sex. If I was hurting and sex starved and made the monumental effort to ask for help, and the response was to ask what bad things I was doing to make them not want me, I'd give up too. Yes, that's it. Most couples just don't talk about it (it's embarrasing and hurtful) and the few who do still don't change anything permanently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 17 months is like forever. It IS a big deal for most men to go that long. It COULD simply be a medical issue, i.e. hormones robbing her libido. A trip to the doctor's office can fix that. It could also be simple loss of libido because she is asexual...or some say LD. THAT may be harder to fix. Maybe she is tired and bored, and sex no longer even enters her thinking. MC can sometimes fix that. Them both reading "the 5 love languages book" and learning how to talk again may help. But there are a ton of other reasons he may not be getting any sex, and the rest are all BAD reasons: she is having an affair, and his role is now beta provider for her she checked out of the marriage but has not yet served him a divorce she only wanted kids, and now that she has them she no longer needs him she wants to control/humiliate him she is BPD, or has other emotional defects She has "found herself" as a lesbian and dislikes sex with men now and so on HE needs to do some snooping on her, see if anything is going on. IF he finds anything, he needs to KEEP IT QUIET while he gathers more info. He needs to talk seriously to her about how important sex is in his life. Since he already went 17 months, I am going to guess it is NOT that important to him since he would have blown a gasket by now if it had been. Maybe she jus does not realize how much this is depressing him? maybe he is close friends with other couples, and he can ask the woman what they think is going on? A lot of time friends of the same sex tell each other intimate marital details that he might need to know to fix things. but there are a few websites like this one--suggest he come on these to get some advice on what to do once he has snooped a little bit. Quick, jump to conclusions - it is all HER fault???? All wish-i- knew said that his colleague was 17 months in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is a couple issue surely, with both parties requiring to be looked at closely, for reasons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Quick, jump to conclusions - it is all HER fault???? All wish-i- knew said that his colleague was 17 months in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is a couple issue surely, with both parties requiring to be looked at closely, for reasons. Sometimes its not. I will admit, that our couples sex therapist, spent many months making sure our marriage was solid, and I was not a jerk before actually addressing specifically sex in detail (lots of detail) in our marriage and before marriage. I went along and did what ever work the female MC asked me to. Finally, after several months, this wonderful female marriage sex therapist turns to my wife and says " You know what? You got an amazing attractive husband, a rare find, one many women would love to have. You need to get your kinky boots back on and take care of him better like you used to do. I would like to see you solo for a while". I could have hugged that female therapist. You see whether its no sex, low sex, affairs, or other things - a spouse can beat themselves up "am I a bad spouse, do I need to be better or change?" In the last year there have been some minor improvements in our sex life, but having this assessment was as major relief for me. So intervention can be helpful in more ways than one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Quick, jump to conclusions - it is all HER fault???? All wish-i- knew said that his colleague was 17 months in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is a couple issue surely, with both parties requiring to be looked at closely, for reasons. good point, we did not hear much about what HE has already tried to solve the problem. Maybe he is abusive, never brushes his teeth, is on a Kim-chi diet...and is clueless. But reading between the lines....him asking for help, getting defensive after he mentioned it to the friend...sounds like a kicked dog...he is just going into the corner to lick his wounds. I would bet its mostly her fault. Maybe she is jonseing for an Alpha male, and he is beta. 17 months, like i said, IS forever. No alpha guy would wait hat long...she would have been kicked to the curb by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted December 23, 2014 Author Share Posted December 23, 2014 Wish I knew, please forgive me if this offends, but I have had many-a-married man tell me he is in a sexless marriage because he was trying to get some from me. Does this mean it's not true that he is in a sexless marriage? No, it is true. But, the reason for such a personal revalation to you is dubious. Just putting that out there. Just know that this is not your problem to fix. Hey Popsicle, no offence taken. At all. He may have well been scouting. But I am also very sure that this was not just a line. For him it is real. And I also agree, definitely not my problem to fix. But it does make me realise how hopeless most of us at resolving our relationship problems. I guess if I were in his shoes, after 17 months, I would be looking for outside help, because after such a long time, if the words/emotions already exchanged have not fixed anything, this situation is not going to suddenly fix itself... Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 When I was getting divorced my best friend confided in me that he and his wife had not had sex in almost 6 years....6 YEARS She had basically become the man of the house (working late, coming home expecting dinner to be made, kids taken care of then off to her on line chat rooms) and he is the woman (work plus cleans the house, cuts the lawn, grocery shops, cooks, cares for the kids etc). He avoids confrontation and simply goes on because he doesnt want to lose his house or his kids. That was almost five years ago and nothing has changed. My point being, nothing is going to change unless you man up and take action; talking, counseling, what ever it takes. Life is too short to live a life without love! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JayJ Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 A workmate mentioned that he and his wife had not had sex for 17 months. I suggested he needed to do something about it. He got embarrassed that he mentioned it and dismissed the topic. My question is: Once a marriage becomes sexless for an extended period of time, is the sex likely to begin again without some form of counselling? My marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years. When the problems started just after we married we spent years and thousands of dollars on therapy with many different kinds of therapists with no luck. In my experience on other websites that deal with sexless marriages if a marriage has gone a year or more with no sex the chances are the couple won't resume sex even if they decide to stay married to each other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 My marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years. When the problems started just after we married we spent years and thousands of dollars on therapy with many different kinds of therapists with no luck. In my experience on other websites that deal with sexless marriages if a marriage has gone a year or more with no sex the chances are the couple won't resume sex even if they decide to stay married to each other. Sorry to hear about your situation JJ. And that is a frightening statistic... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 You must be very close with your co-worker for him to mention this. I initially thought the OP was male, but a few other replies seem to imply that's not the case. The situation could improve if they get to the bottom of why sex has been absent from their marriage. That is a conversation he should be having with his wife though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wish-i-knew Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 You must be very close with your co-worker for him to mention this. I initially thought the OP was male, but a few other replies seem to imply that's not the case. The situation could improve if they get to the bottom of why sex has been absent from their marriage. That is a conversation he should be having with his wife though. There were 3 of us having a conversation, and my friend's comment was made in an unguarded moment, not as seeking advise. As I said, he quickly changed the subject. Agree - it is up to him and his wife to sort out. I was just curious to know from others on LS if given the length of time that has elapsed, this was something that could be solved without some professional help. That's all. And from the comments received so far, it seems highly unlikely... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts